Friend inviting teenage daughter along

[almahart]

Had plans to meet with a friend I haven't seen since before pandemic. We were going to go to the theatre but it's a short show and would have had a drink before/after. I was looking forward to a grown up catch up.

I said I'd get tickets. She messaged me to say can I get one for her daughter (15 ) too.

I don't want to.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable- but how would you handle?

[SophieKat1982]

Had a similar situation a while back. At the last minute it was dropped in that her daughter was ‘going to love it’ despite there being no previous mention of the daughter being included in the lead up discussion plans.

I took my usual easy way out, I was genuinely busy with work and family so I just postponed.

You’re not in the wrong, your friend is. And does she expect you to buy the daughters ticket too? The whole thing deserves none of your headspace. Only you can decide on what to do but I know I would choose an easy route out, come up with some excuse and just forget it - it’s not you that’s in the wrong here and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If you want to see the play, see the play alone or with someone else.

[Lucyinthesky07]

Thinking of it from your point of view, I can see why you are annoyed.
Your friend should have arranged to go with her daughter, and set aside another catch up with just the two of you.

From the friend's point of view, she probably didn't realise how you would feel about it, but should have checked with you before mentioning it to her daughter.

From the daughter's point of view, she will probably be hurt if she is suddenly told she can't go (assuming her Mum has already told her).
Is she really likely to interfere with your time together?
At 15, I doubt she will be listening to your conversations, but looking at her own phone at the times the show isn't on.

If it was me I think I would grin and bear it, but make it clear to your friend that you want to meet alone the next time to have a one-to-one chat.

[DietCokeChipsAndMayo]

Oh I hate this, I have a friend who brings her 19 year old DD everywhere now that she’s an ‘adult’
Yes she is, but she’s still friends daughter and it completely changes the dynamic - no one of any age wants to listen to their Mum talk relationships or sex do they so those topics are completely out of bounds for example, all the conversation just ends up surface level chit chat
We’ve pretty much stopped inviting friend altogether now

[Marvellousmadness]

Be honest

"Sorry friend,just got a lot on my plate atm, so prefer to just us 2 to go and hang our. Hope that's ok if not then let's reschedule to another day please."

[theleafandnotthetree]

I've had this with my friend whose now 19 year old daughter will stay in the room and be part of the conversation when you call over. It's been like this since she was 15 or so. She is a great girl, great conversationalist etc but still, she is not my friend and of course there are certain things I wouldn't want to discuss with her. If it were mine, indeed with mine, I will say at a certain stage that we'd like some privacy or suggest they go elsewhere in the house. Flag that beforehand if necessary. It kind of puts me off calling there and I started organising to meet elsewhere, so far she hasn't suggested her tagging along.

[theleafandnotthetree]

@DietCokeChipsAndMayo

Oh I hate this, I have a friend who brings her 19 year old DD everywhere now that she’s an ‘adult’
Yes she is, but she’s still friends daughter and it completely changes the dynamic - no one of any age wants to listen to their Mum talk relationships or sex do they so those topics are completely out of bounds for example, all the conversation just ends up surface level chit chat
We’ve pretty much stopped inviting friend altogether now

I just don't know how people don't 'get' this, or why they themselves don't want the opportunity for non-family based chat. It's so narrow.

[FortunesFave]

@theleafandnotthetree

I've had this with my friend whose now 19 year old daughter will stay in the room and be part of the conversation when you call over. It's been like this since she was 15 or so. She is a great girl, great conversationalist etc but still, she is not my friend and of course there are certain things I wouldn't want to discuss with her. If it were mine, indeed with mine, I will say at a certain stage that we'd like some privacy or suggest they go elsewhere in the house. Flag that beforehand if necessary. It kind of puts me off calling there and I started organising to meet elsewhere, so far she hasn't suggested her tagging along.

I've got friends who've let their DD and DS "join in" since they were about bloody ten!

It's weird! And they don't have a filter and will discuss anything in front of their kids. Not sex but other things which might be upsetting for most kids.

I feel very uncomfortable around that.

[billy1966]

I couldn't be arsed with this and I certainly wouldn't be interested in giving up an evening to this.

I would text and say "oh I was looking forward to some adult time, I will leave you two, to some family time".

Do NOT go.
You are giving her the OK to do this.

On the dimest and most self absorbed do this.

[dontwannasaymyjob]

I'd want to be upfront incase this is start of teenage girl third wheel coming along every time. I'd would reply

"Hi F, no thanks. I got the tickets just for the two of us friends. Am looking forward to child free night.
(Your daughter) can join us another time when we plan family meeting ups and my children are around too as they can all catch up then.
See you on Saturday, shall we meet at xyz at 7pm? thanks
@almahart "

[billy1966]

@DietCokeChipsAndMayo

Oh I hate this, I have a friend who brings her 19 year old DD everywhere now that she’s an ‘adult’
Yes she is, but she’s still friends daughter and it completely changes the dynamic - no one of any age wants to listen to their Mum talk relationships or sex do they so those topics are completely out of bounds for example, all the conversation just ends up surface level chit chat
We’ve pretty much stopped inviting friend altogether now

I heard of a group of friends who were going to Rome for a weekend and discovered that one of them had booked a flight for her 18 year old daughter to come as she hadn't been.

She seriously pissed the other 3 off and didn't see the problem at all.

They went, but made a huge point of going off and doing there own thing.

Things have soured between them, as her friends thought she was really rude and spoiled the weekend.

She didn't ask was it ok, just assumed she could.

This was before Covid.

Thank goodness all of my friends are united in loving a break from their children, no matter how precious!

[CecilyP]

If you want to see the play, see the play alone or with someone else.

OP really does want to see the play and can only do that particular night. So if she does that she is likely to bump into friend and daughter which could be embarrassing. In fact, further catch ups could be off the cards.

[Harddecisionhelp]

I would just send 'would you mind terribly if it was just us? I was really looking forward to seeing you and having a child-free night so we can chat properly.' It's honest and I would understand completely if I received this reply.

[rookiemere]

I think I'd buy the three tickets- you want to see the play and this evening suits - and say shall we arrange another date for the two of us just to catch up.

[CecilyP]

I think I'd buy the three tickets- you want to see the play and this evening suits - and say shall we arrange another date for the two of us just to catch up.

I think I would too and just make the play the focus of the evening. A proper grown up catch up can be arranged for another time when there isn't a play.

[WinterSunglasses]

I would keep it short and say 'sorry, I can only get two tickets' and then leave the ball in her court. She may cancel, but I think you should go and see the play then and either offer someone else the second ticket or return it to the box office. Then arrange another catch up.

[theleafandnotthetree]

@CecilyP

I think I'd buy the three tickets- you want to see the play and this evening suits - and say shall we arrange another date for the two of us just to catch up.

I think I would too and just make the play the focus of the evening. A proper grown up catch up can be arranged for another time when there isn't a play.

Yes but the OP is having to suck it up when it's her friend who has misjudged things. What's to say she won't have her along on the next catch up if she says nothing? If you do go ahead as a threesome I'd be making sure at the end of the night that it was a once off and that next time you wanted it to be just you two. All in a very breezy, pleasant way of course, no need to fall out over it

[Gensola]

I have a friend who does this all the time, it is super annoying, I’m a teacher and I spend all day with teenagers and really hate it when I go to meet her for dinner and she’s brought one of her teenage kids. It ends up being forced conversation, I don’t want to discuss my business with teenagers. I think it’s very rude and entitled tbh, but I’ve never had the courage to say anything as she so obviously things it’s fine to bring them. I just see much less of her now!

[ChargingBuck]

@dontwannasaymyjob

I'd want to be upfront incase this is start of teenage girl third wheel coming along every time. I'd would reply

"Hi F, no thanks. I got the tickets just for the two of us friends. Am looking forward to child free night.
(Your daughter) can join us another time when we plan family meeting ups and my children are around too as they can all catch up then.
See you on Saturday, shall we meet at xyz at 7pm? thanks
*@almahart* "

Perfect.

Gets the job done, nice & breezy but also an air of assumption that the evening will remain as per the original invitation/arrangement.

It's so feckin cheeky to just TELL you to get the DD a ticket OP!
But as you say she is self-absorbed, she probably doesn't do a lot of 'reading the room'.

[DottyHarmer]

There have been quite a few similar threads of late - people bringing along husbands or dcs to a meet up with a friend.

I tend to agree with a pp in that some people seem to have doubled down in their marriage or nuclear family and have lost confidence in socialising or going out alone.

It is nonetheless very rude when a third party is sprung on the hapless friend. A while ago Dh arranged to go away for the weekend to a football match with an old friend. Dh turned up to find the bloke had brought his wife! Dh was absolutely steaming as why would he want to hang out on his own with a couple when his own wife and dcs were at home? At least OP has been forewarned!

[TalkToTheHand123]

Tell her friend to go to the show with her daughter instead?

Almahart was the one wanting to go, why should she miss out?

I'd try to get another ticket or go with someone else if she couldn't come and arrange drinks another time if her daughter couldn't come or wouldn't be allowed and next time make clear about the pre or post drinks next time.

[theleafandnotthetree]

@Gensola

I have a friend who does this all the time, it is super annoying, I’m a teacher and I spend all day with teenagers and really hate it when I go to meet her for dinner and she’s brought one of her teenage kids. It ends up being forced conversation, I don’t want to discuss my business with teenagers. I think it’s very rude and entitled tbh, but I’ve never had the courage to say anything as she so obviously things it’s fine to bring them. I just see much less of her now!

I get where you are coming from but this is kind of a passive aggressive way of dealing with it - sort of phasing someone out - for want of saying something early on in an assertive but polite way. She might have taken the hump and your friendship might have suffered or she might have thought 'fair enough' (and learned a lesson in a wider sense) and you could still be meeting up in a more satisfactory way. I do think we owe good friends a chance to amend irritating behaviours or ones that don't work for us rather than just quietly ditching them.

[Hope478]

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

I'd say no because I want to talk to you about something personal,
When you meet her don't say anything about it,
If she brings it up, say "Oh it doesn't matter now, we've chosen the paint."

Don't do this.

[Hope478]

@Harddecisionhelp

I would just send 'would you mind terribly if it was just us? I was really looking forward to seeing you and having a child-free night so we can chat properly.' It's honest and I would understand completely if I received this reply.

This is the best reply.

[LittleGwyneth]

Just be honest. 'To be totally honest I was looking forward to catching up just the two of us - would it be an issue if DD15 didn't come?'

[drunkensailorette]

Can you say you've already bought them or did she message you straight back? She's put you in a really awkward position and I don't blame you for being peeved!