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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend inviting teenage daughter along

281 replies

almahart · 24/11/2021 07:15

Had plans to meet with a friend I haven't seen since before pandemic. We were going to go to the theatre but it's a short show and would have had a drink before/after. I was looking forward to a grown up catch up.

I said I'd get tickets. She messaged me to say can I get one for her daughter (15 ) too.

I don't want to.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable- but how would you handle?

OP posts:
Practicebeingpatient · 24/11/2021 08:59

@waltzingparrot

Could you tell her you've only booked two tickets and she and her daughter can have them and you'll do grown up drinks with her for a catch up the following week. She may actually decide she'd rather go to the theatre with you.
This is an excellent idea.
coconutpie · 24/11/2021 09:01

YANBU. It will totally change the dynamic. I would say you were hoping for a catch up just the two of you, as grown ups and that if she can't make it, you can arrange for another day.

Warmduscher · 24/11/2021 09:06

If you haven’t replied yet, just say you’ve already bought the tickets and that you’d be happy to meet up with her and her DD another time (if that is indeed the case).

TractorAndHeadphones · 24/11/2021 09:08

OP you don’t have to explain yourself if you don’t want the daughter there just say it. Your friend deserves no more consideration anyway

withgraceinmyheart · 24/11/2021 09:12

Just be honest and say you were looking forward to a catch up just the two of you. Don’t offer to rearrange and do something else if you actually want to see the show.

Then it’s down to her to push it which is massively rude.

DrGoogleSaysSo · 24/11/2021 09:14

YANBU that would change the dynamic and you would feel obliged to make some kind of chit-chat with her dd.
Just be honest and tell her you were looking forward to a child-free evening.
Good luck!

ILoveYouMoreTheEnd · 24/11/2021 09:16

@Warmduscher

If you haven’t replied yet, just say you’ve already bought the tickets and that you’d be happy to meet up with her and her DD another time (if that is indeed the case).
As above plus say I wanted to have a glass of wine or whatever with you and catch up. I totally get what you mean by head space, it's already too much drama and all you wanted was to go for an enjoyable night, without kids and relax. X
fernfarm · 24/11/2021 09:18

Are you sure the daughter is planning to tag along for the drinks too? I've done this before when I've seen a play or gone to an exhibition with a friend and it's something I thought one of my children would enjoy. DC has just met us for the play part of the evening, although admittedly I'd usually just go out for a meal/drink beforehand and go straight home after a theatre trip.

Even if that's not your friend's plan, maybe you could suggest you do that, so you have some time with just the two of you? As others have said, it's not rude to say you were looking forward to an adults' catch up, and a 15 year old should be able to make their way home alone by public transport or minicab.

thisplaceisweird · 24/11/2021 09:19

Honesty is the best policy.

'You know I love DD but was hoping for an adult catch up with drinks!' and then leave it there, see what she replies.

WeALLdeferTOtheDOG · 24/11/2021 09:21

I wd not cancel show- I wd say something along lines of:

“I wd love to see (15 yr old) and hear how she’s getting on but cd we arrange to do that another time? I haven’t seen u in so long and there’s things I want to tell u about. Hope that’s ok - we cd do coffee and cake with (15 ur old) soon. Hope that’s ok.”

Or something along those lines - 15 is such a limbo age and I know my kids really benefited from spending time with my friends but I did that sparingly out of respect to my adult friendships and also because I needed time with adult friends.
A bit of tact will give u the outcome u want without causing offence.

GinIronic · 24/11/2021 09:22

If I wanted to see the play, I would buy one ticket and go by myself.

LosingTheWill2 · 24/11/2021 09:25

I agree with pp. message friend to say you were hoping to have a catch up just the two of you.

GiltEdges · 24/11/2021 09:28

*When people have kids these are just things you have to accept, the kids are a part of their life.

I say this as someone without kids myself but I am happy for friends to bring their children along to things we do together, because they are their children and kind of important! *

@cookiemonster2468, I couldn't disagree more. It's perfect possibly and indeed healthy for someone to retain their own identity and spend time away from their children, particularly when said children are mid teens.

There's no reason OP 'has to accept' anything. Her friend's DD is 15, so no necessity to bring her along e.g. for childcare reasons. If friend wants to spend time with her DD she should do it on her own time, not when she's already made plans with the OP. It completely changes the dynamic of the evening.

OP, I'd just be honest with your friend that you've got a lot going on at the moment and were hoping for an evening just the two of you. If she doesn't understand, she's not a friend worth having.

LittleMysSister · 24/11/2021 09:46

I would just reply something like "Ah, I didn't realise DD wanted to see this play too, you two just go together and we can catch up another time."

She'll probably come back insisting you go as well but just hold firm and say "No honestly, you girls have a lovely evening together and you and I can sort a dinner together when you're free".

Then she has the option to accept that offer, or realise that you don't want to go with her daughter and revert to the original plan.

Palavah · 24/11/2021 09:52

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

I'd say no because I want to talk to you about something personal, When you meet her don't say anything about it, If she brings it up, say "Oh it doesn't matter now, we've chosen the paint."
Why would you be so obtuse?
Chamomileteaplease · 24/11/2021 09:53

Send one of the polite messages suggested above but not one that suggests she and her daughter go! You said you wanted to see the show so don't play games.

Most people would understand that a 15 year old is often not welcome.

If she gets shitty then so be it.

KerryWeaver · 24/11/2021 09:54

@SarahBellam

‘Why don’t you go and see the show with your DD and we can have a grown up catch up another time. What date suits you?’
This.

Upfront but not rude.

Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 09:59

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

I'd say no because I want to talk to you about something personal, When you meet her don't say anything about it, If she brings it up, say "Oh it doesn't matter now, we've chosen the paint."
Grin
SeasonFinale · 24/11/2021 10:04

Message back - ha ha you had me going for a moment then! I have the 2 tickets for you and me. See you at X bar for a catch up before the play.

DickMabutt73962 · 24/11/2021 10:05

@TwoLeftSocksWithHoles

I'd say no because I want to talk to you about something personal, When you meet her don't say anything about it, If she brings it up, say "Oh it doesn't matter now, we've chosen the paint."
😂
Opus17 · 24/11/2021 10:11

@almahart

It's the headspace that this takes up that pisses me off the most. And the thoughtlessness. Would you like to come with me and my dd to see a play is one thing. I could say yes or I could say no. No problem. Can you book my dd a ticket for something we had already discussed puts me in a different position.

I have a list of things to organise. This one should have been simple and enjoyable and now is a pita.

The play has a short run, I can't do any other evening (cos childcare).

Totally agree with you, op. It's actually quite rude to not ask and just assume, and this would piss me off. I'd call her to say politely I'd rather it just the two of us. if you don't want to do that, I'd just cancel
grapewine · 24/11/2021 10:15

@IslaInthesun

Just say I didn't realise you were busy,let's rearrange for a time when you're not so we can have a proper catch up
This. How annoying. Go to the theatre alone.
Skeumorph · 24/11/2021 10:20

Definitely be honest and push back because it sounds like you need to nip this in the bud. Or now that the DD is coming to an age where her mum clearly thinks she can start including her in the 'grown up women' stuff... suddenly your friendship will have a permanent plus one.

ThorsLeftNut · 24/11/2021 10:21

Honesty is the best policy.

‘Oh sorry friend, I thought it was just the two of us for an adult catch up? Is your DD really wanting to see the play? If so we’ll catch up another time’

FortunesFave · 24/11/2021 10:22

Oh I'd just say "Oh so sorry! Something has come up...can't go but I'm so looking forward to seeing you for a good catch up. When is another good time for you? I'll fit in with your timing"