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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH wants to be a content creator

280 replies

Wazza89 · 23/11/2021 14:27

DH and I are struggling for money. He works 5 days a week and I’m a SAHM (because childcare costs, etc). We never have enough money to go away and my mum has stepped in to lend us money for DS shoes when I can’t find anything secondhand. We BOTH have past debts and have been reckless with money pre having kids.

However, I feel there are ways to cut back. DH never brings food into work. He says he buys a Tesco meal deal which I understand isn’t exactly expensive, but still costs more than bringing food from home in. We have two cars between us and his is on finance. I’ve told him we can share mine (and I would even make him the registered keeper as he drives more than me), but he won’t consider it. We could also downsize the 3-bed house we rent, but he doesn’t really want to because the third room is his gaming room/man cave. He spends a lot of time in there streaming and making social media content. He says he wants to earn a full-time income doing what he loves (don’t we all?!) and has watched a lot of Gary V and other famous podcasters and YouTubers (self-made millionaires). He’s put a lot of money into business ventures that have never materialised and equipment for his social media stuff, etc. In the past, I’ve tried being supportive but now I’m at the end of my tether as I feel he is not being responsible or realistic. We’ve already had to borrow money this month to get his car serviced.

When I tried bringing it up the other day (very tactfully), he tried giving me a hug and telling me everything would be alright once DS is in school full-time and I go back to work. Other times it’s been when his latest project takes off, etc.

I know it’s the sunken cost fallacy but when I’ve snapped or not shown interest in his latest money making scheme, I’ve been told I’m not being supportive and he genuinely seemed gutted. His mother, on the other hand, is always incredibly supportive and tells him he can do anything he puts his mind to. Likes everything on his social media, etc! There’s nothing wrong with having ambition, but I wish he’d worry more about the now which I constantly am!

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 24/11/2021 16:08

He can't afford all this 'equipment' (or the second car, or the lazy lunch options). He's asking you to work to pay for those things. Think about that - he wants you to get a real job to subsidise his hobby. While he won't pay for shoes for his child.

You need him to present you with a full budget and account of actual expenditure, for the last year or two, showing where the money goes. Then he can make his business case for you taking on more work.

Just to take one example, the lunches. £3 on a 'meal deal' daily. (Deal implies bargain but that's only the case if you'd otherwise have been eating in a cafe). Multiply by 5 days in 48 working weeks and that's £720. Whereas 75p a day for packed lunch = £180 a year.

You can buy a lot of children's shoes for £530 a year.

lottiegarbanzo · 24/11/2021 16:11

The other thing is that I think you need to start speaking openly about your situation, with friends and family. Tell people that you cannot afford shoes for your child. Tell them that, at the same time, he spends money on buying hobby equipment on finance and won't contemplate moving to smaller house because his hobby needs its own bedroom.

Shame him, simply. Don't hide the truth. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you're trying to do your best for your child.

dustofneptune · 24/11/2021 17:09

OP - it sounds like you've reached a point in your life where you value financial security and stability, and you are ready to take serious steps to pursue it. You can do that with or without him. The most important thing is that you do it.

It doesn't matter if you've had problems managing money in the past. I was atrocious with money when I was younger. And I had a couple of partners who were equally bad (actually - even worse).

If I had stayed with them, they would have dragged me further down the hole. That doesn't mean it has to be the same for you - but if you're going to financially thrive AND stay in the relationship, you are going to have to hold yourself accountable. You definitely can't just rely on him to sort it all out, or keep plodding along. You need to properly sit down together and go through your finances and create a plan of action. If he's not willing to do that, you have a big problem.

I'm a dreamer too, so I can relate to your partner. BUT I also know that I can't experiment with businesses unless my finances are stable. It's out of the question. This means that I'm currently holding off on business ideas I want to explore, because I'm working on more urgent things like saving for a deposit, etc. He doesn't need to give up on his dreams, but he does need to get realistic about his responsibilities and limitations.

The problem with Gary V and the like is that they brainwash you with stories like "I was broke, in debt, not even a penny to my name - and I became a multi-millionaire by taking a chance". I used to listen to all of those people. It completely gets into your head and makes you feel like you're a complete loser if you DON'T try.

Ultimately, what I think is this -

You need to get in there, open up a spreadsheet or draw a chart on a piece of paper, and work out what your household budget is. Have you ever done that? Your income, his income, and all of your outgoings? Car, TV, bills, etc.? Do you have a separate bills account? Or do you just each have your own bank accounts and pay individual things?

You can then look at what you could cut down on - and you can see what you actually have in disposable income at the end of the month. Whatever that amount is, some of it can be set aside as spending money for each of you. He can buy Tesco lunches with that if he wants, and you can buy whatever you want to buy. Some of it should also go into savings - even if it's £25 a month, or whatever.

If you look at the spreadsheet and realise you actually have no disposable income at the end of each month, then you need to address that by reducing costs, making more money, or both.

The bottom line is that you need to be a team on this. Nothing wrong with him being a dreamer. Dreamers can have many positive attributes. But the foundation of your financial relationship - and your life together - needs to be stable in order for him to pursue his dreams fairly. Otherwise you're not a team at all. You're each on your own agenda and may as well not live together.

KatharinaRosalie · 24/11/2021 17:30

He expects you to do childcare during the day and work nights and weekends, while he dicks around with his influencer career?
It's also really convenient for him not being to able to afford child related expenses.

Mummabear89 · 24/11/2021 17:32

As the editor for my content creator husband I can tell you that you aren't being unreasonable. We have been making YouTube videos for 2 years now and have only just got to 230 subscribers. My husband would love to make it his full time career but knows that it's unrealistic to just rely on that. Maybe when we actually hit 1000 subs and 4000 hours watch time we might be able to do the YouTube channel as his career but for now we both work full time and make videos every week.

ESGdance · 24/11/2021 17:40

What sort of Dad is he?

Swerves basic provision of his DC (shoes!!)

Doesn’t think childcare costs of his child are his responsibility.

Doesn’t think parenting his own toddler is his responsibility or priority as he spends his evenings and weekends playing and hiding in his man cave.

Frankie20018 · 24/11/2021 17:43

OP you will get help with childcare from UC. You won't qualify for the free 30 hours until he is 3 but you will get back 85% of any costs you have to pay for childcare regardless of your child's age. Also the first £293 you earn is not taken into account for UC and it is now only reduced by 55p for ever pound you earn over this so you could be much better off working.

Idony · 24/11/2021 17:50

300 to 1000 followers is nothing. I have double that following me taking photos of leaves and mushrooms, and triple watching me decorate my house. No one is interested in 'content' from a middle aged man who thinks he's in any way relevant to anything. He hasn't got a job or any bright ideas - what on earth makes him think anyone should pay attention to him?

You know what the rest of your life looks like with this loser, especially as he can't wait for you to return to work and pay for him to play games all day.

Yespresh · 24/11/2021 17:58

@Wazza89 I dont mean to alarm you but your husband sounds like my adult son who has just had an ADHD diagnosis. Might be worth looking into. There are several types of ADHD. Hope this helps.

DaisyStiener · 24/11/2021 18:07

You just need to start putting the foot down OP
DH was like this all our youth : thought it was the POINT of getting paid to make sure to have zero in your account by next payday Angry
If I hadn’t eventually said enoughs enough, we’d still be in dire straights : but his wardrobe would be amazing!
Why do guys al think they’re going to be rockstars or footballers?
Show him the film Fight Club and keep repeating
“ you are not a beautiful or unique snowflake”
He’s in a band and about 2 years ago he’s like “ oh I’d like to start touring “
“Touring? At 35? That time has passed DH, sorry to stomp on your dreams …”
We now have a small baby but were trying at the time lol
He now has a “social” band
Tell DH only on his own time, and if it doesn’t leave a majority of work/childcare etc to you. I don’t think guys make half the money girls do anyways? He’s be better to do a gay OnlyFans at least it would be done quickly ! Grin

Foot DOWN OP , my friend left her partner of 20 years because of this ! Within 3 months she’d bought her own flat !!

blackcurrantjam · 24/11/2021 18:24

I think you need a financial overhaul.
He works full time I think.
You work part time.
Pool some/all money.
Buy shoes for children out of both monies.
Each have spending money out of both monies.
Each have savings out of both monies
Get a good job/retrain while toddler is small.
Make financial plans

sgtmajormum · 24/11/2021 18:27

I could have written your post. Exactly the issues I had with ex DH *note the ex here.
Drowning in debt but he wouldn't cut his cloth accordingly. I'm afraid I found our polar opposites on finance too much and split up. I have no debts now and although not well off am comfortable and know what I have coming in. He on the other hand hasn't got a pot to piss in.
I would have a serious think about whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life, because I doubt he will change. Good luck op

Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme · 24/11/2021 18:33

I thought you meant on Only Fans when I read ‘content creator’…maybe that’s an option? 🤔

DrSbaitso · 24/11/2021 18:34

@Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme

I thought you meant on Only Fans when I read ‘content creator’…maybe that’s an option? 🤔
Only OP can say!
PerfectlyUnsuitable · 24/11/2021 18:35

I agree that the number f followers he has is low.
I mean I am in IG, I have about 300 followers and that's after a full year not posting anything at all. People follow you just because. They arent always interested in what you have to offer. And therefore don't make good market material.

Having said that, you need to sit together and reiew ALL your expenses.
Out a budget together, look at how much you spend in each area. Account for every penny and THEN decide what is a more reasonnable way to doing tings.
Do yu have the best deal re electricity/internet?
Do you need netflix or any other subscription?
How much do you spend on food etc etc....
And include things that areally are non negociable like shoes for your ds!!

THEN I would look at you working in the evening/weekends.

FabriqueBelgique · 24/11/2021 19:19

Coming from a different angle:

I think the first thing you need to do is manage your budget. Once you get your money problems sorted in your heads, everything else will feel a lot easier to work out.

You need to write down exactly what’s coming in and when, and to who’s bank account (since on benefits it’s all over the place!)

Then your joint-responsibility outgoings:

Rent / council tax
Water, Gas, Electric
Internet
Joint debt payments

^ Add these up. Put it somewhere you both can see it and know it. (These pretty much stay the same monthly, if a bill changes, edit the list straight away)

Now UC pay-day every month you and your DP have a half-hour breakfast meeting and pay the bills.

Chat about what else you’ll need to pay for together this month - the kettle needs replacing, the kid needs new shoes, the MIL’s birthday.. Order / go get those things today.

  • Use your child benefit to pay for your children’s breakfasts, snacks, lunch, school things. If you don’t have a bunch of bank accounts to separate things, withdrawing it and keeping it in a separate purse is an idea! -
  • If you eat any meals as a family, do your monthly food shop here. You could withdraw cash to keep separate for weekly fresh food top-ups (on the same two days each week, to be organised) -

Then divide whatever’s left by 2. Whoever got paid the UC transfers that amount to the other. Hey presto: Equal Opportunities within the relationship

Now you both have money.

DP if free to buy whatever he wants for lunch, wear what he wants and pursue his dreams. (Except in reality his money will be probably be gone in 5 minutes and he’ll learn the reality of your situation)

You are free to budget and make careful purchases, slowly building up an independence fund.

In the short-term you’ll be able to stop worrying about what he’s doing. Let him get on with it. (Don’t even roll your eyes when he tells you what he’s gone and brought now! Just be like “well good for you dear!” and get on with your day Grin

Focus on you and what you want and what you’re doing in life.

In the future you’ll be in a much better position to make any bigger life changes.

Kanaloa · 24/11/2021 20:35

He’s refusing to budget or pool money though. For those saying joint money for bills and children’s things, budget for luxuries. OP is asking him to do this and he says no because he needs a gaming room and nice car and up to date expensive equipment and to have lunch from the shop every day.

I mean what are you supposed to do with that? OP is literally saying if she worked she would need to pay all childcare out of her own wage because he wouldn’t contribute. She’d be better off financially if she left him and went for child maintenance.

Tigger1895 · 24/11/2021 21:11

It sounds like he’s living in a different universe. If you can reduce your expenses by bringing lunch to work and cutting down on car ownership that’s where you start. You don’t continue living outside your means in the belief you’ll be the next big content creator.
Not saying he can’t but cut the cloth to suit your measure at this moment in time.

blackcurrantjam · 24/11/2021 21:14

@Kanaloa

He’s refusing to budget or pool money though. For those saying joint money for bills and children’s things, budget for luxuries. OP is asking him to do this and he says no because he needs a gaming room and nice car and up to date expensive equipment and to have lunch from the shop every day.

I mean what are you supposed to do with that? OP is literally saying if she worked she would need to pay all childcare out of her own wage because he wouldn’t contribute. She’d be better off financially if she left him and went for child maintenance.

Well that in itself is LTB!
EightWheelGirl · 24/11/2021 21:15

People always mention Gary V, but he was a successful business before starting the business mentor ship stuff. Think it was a big wine business.

My friend is trying to copy him but can’t seem to grasp that nobody wants to be mentored by somebody who hasn’t walked the walk themselves.

NoSquirrels · 24/11/2021 21:17

@lottiegarbanzo

He can't afford all this 'equipment' (or the second car, or the lazy lunch options). He's asking you to work to pay for those things. Think about that - he wants you to get a real job to subsidise his hobby. While he won't pay for shoes for his child.

You need him to present you with a full budget and account of actual expenditure, for the last year or two, showing where the money goes. Then he can make his business case for you taking on more work.

Just to take one example, the lunches. £3 on a 'meal deal' daily. (Deal implies bargain but that's only the case if you'd otherwise have been eating in a cafe). Multiply by 5 days in 48 working weeks and that's £720. Whereas 75p a day for packed lunch = £180 a year.

You can buy a lot of children's shoes for £530 a year.

All of the above.

Stop subbing him.

SunscreenCentral · 24/11/2021 21:20

Ask him to meet you half way

MostlyGuesswork · 24/11/2021 21:55

@NewlyGranny

You're not his mum, to be bigging him up, encouraging his vague plans, you're the mother of his DC and dependent on his earnings!

Ask him to write a business plan with projected costings and waymarkers on a timeline. Have him use a week's holiday to do a trial run and look at the content he creates and the responses within that week. He needs to convince you to back him, so he needs to go all out. Keep checking whether he's working or just gaming.

If he won't sacrifice a week, he's not serious and doesn't earn your support.

Spot on.
Frozentoes2 · 24/11/2021 22:49

To all those telling OP to get a job - she can’t afford childcare!!

And to those saying get evening or weekend work - looking after a toddler all day IS work. Why should she have to run herself into the ground while he works 9-5 then comes home in time for the kids bedtime. Telling her to get a job is literally the same as saying he should get a second job on top of his full time day job to earn them more cash, because looking after a toddler all day long IS work! (Just ask the nanny’s who make a living from it!)

And the OP does work prt time as a cleaner AND she’s on a zero hours contract - she’s obviously trying her best to support her family!!

OP there are some on here who just want to rip apart anyone who says they are a SAHM. There is at least one poster on here who crops up on every single SAHM thread recently and they are always aggressively hostile to the OP - it isn’t you.

In answer to OP’s question - I would encourage his dream as a side hustle but really really try and get him to save at the same time. Could you make his lunch for him? And if you really need cash could you look into tutoring? Rates can be quite high and you can sometimes do it online from home.

Frozentoes2 · 24/11/2021 22:50

Am not trying to say you SHOULD get a job OP - just that if you wanted to that one could be a good option?