DH wants to be a content creator

[Wazza89]

DH and I are struggling for money. He works 5 days a week and I’m a SAHM (because childcare costs, etc). We never have enough money to go away and my mum has stepped in to lend us money for DS shoes when I can’t find anything secondhand. We BOTH have past debts and have been reckless with money pre having kids.

However, I feel there are ways to cut back. DH never brings food into work. He says he buys a Tesco meal deal which I understand isn’t exactly expensive, but still costs more than bringing food from home in. We have two cars between us and his is on finance. I’ve told him we can share mine (and I would even make him the registered keeper as he drives more than me), but he won’t consider it. We could also downsize the 3-bed house we rent, but he doesn’t really want to because the third room is his gaming room/man cave. He spends a lot of time in there streaming and making social media content. He says he wants to earn a full-time income doing what he loves (don’t we all?!) and has watched a lot of Gary V and other famous podcasters and YouTubers (self-made millionaires). He’s put a lot of money into business ventures that have never materialised and equipment for his social media stuff, etc. In the past, I’ve tried being supportive but now I’m at the end of my tether as I feel he is not being responsible or realistic. We’ve already had to borrow money this month to get his car serviced.

When I tried bringing it up the other day (very tactfully), he tried giving me a hug and telling me everything would be alright once DS is in school full-time and I go back to work. Other times it’s been when his latest project takes off, etc.

I know it’s the sunken cost fallacy but when I’ve snapped or not shown interest in his latest money making scheme, I’ve been told I’m not being supportive and he genuinely seemed gutted. His mother, on the other hand, is always incredibly supportive and tells him he can do anything he puts his mind to. Likes everything on his social media, etc! There’s nothing wrong with having ambition, but I wish he’d worry more about the now which I constantly am!

LTB isn’t an option until she has some peace of mind and choices with a bit of financial security. She doesn’t have the means to move out - she would need a few grand to set up new, if she can even find a landlord with a suitable property who will let to a single mum on benefits and 0 hour contract above 40 other applications…!

Finding a job can be just as hard at the moment, especially with school and childcare mixed in.

He doesn’t sound that much of a B to me anyway. He’s working 5 days a week, he’s ambitious and isn’t pressuring her to work, he’s reassuring her when the kids go back to school things will be better.

But if she has her own ideas about what she wants to do with the income, she needs to put her foot down about doing a budget together so she has some choices and independence.

Wow, it really sounds like a crock of shit that child care should all come out of your wages. They are his kids as much as they are your kids. If nobody is home, who is going to watch them? I don't understand this division of money thing where you end up having nothing and he ends up having everything. All tthe money that is made should be both of yours. I don't see why he should be the only beneficiary of the Universal Credit you get, because he gets to keep his paycheck and has a free nanny/housekeeper with benefits paid for by the largesse of the UK taxpayers. You're the one running around scrimping and pinching pennies and changing your life, and the lord of the manor is just belching and putting his feet up and playing games on his computer like a manchild. Oh, I'm so mad!

We had a discussion last night and he’s tied down. He can’t give the car back until he’s paid 50% back. Same with some of his equipment and the Adobe subscription he has. I did a list of all our outgoings last night in the hope to show the council that we have more going out than coming in and we need to downsize (we’re on the housing list), but that’s actually not the case! We should have a spare £200 left for shoes, repairs, haircuts activities, etc,. so I don’t know where that money is going! I know he brings food into work so I’m going to start making him sandwiches and prizing it into his hands! I receive less than 600 a month and I’m still paying a substantial amount of bills! He tried hugging me last night and telling me it would all be okay and that everyone is in the same boat! He also said that he’s more determined to succeed than ever (be it by streaming or starting a business) and one day we’ll buy a house! But to be honest, I’m not interested! I’m fed up of being in this situation!

He sounds deluded. I have no time for this nonsense ‘when I’m KSI I’ll buy you a house.’ It’s not realistic and I’d find it very off putting.

And £200 a month disappearing while you scrape for insurance and child’s clothing is disturbing.

He's driving me nuts and I don't even know him.

You are a family and a team.

Time and money should be 50:50.

Agree with PP about pooling resources, paying all bill from joint pot and having same disposable income.

Same with time. You work full time caring for your DC. Then you need to pool your time - decide how much you will spend actively together and then 50:50 leisure time and caring for your DC evenings and weekends.

You can spend your freed up evenings and weekends as you wish - working, resting, socialising, retraining.

If you get 30hrs free childcare in the next year I would be looking to what career you want to develop and invest in for the long term.

You are with someone who has repeatedly failed at business start ups and is not taking equal responsibility for the time and money needed to support a family. This will erode the love year on year - don’t indulge him like his mother does - his fantasies and aspirations don’t negate or subjugate yours. Plan for a financial future without him - always good to have options and financial freedom. If he shoulders the responsibility of time and money 50:50 then all is good - if he doesn’t you are set up to support a life with your DC.

Have you analysed your spending to see where the money, especially the 'missing' £200 pm is actually going?

Most banks and credit cards these days allow you to download transactions into a spreadsheet, so you can analyse and categorise them. Sounds like this would be a useful exercise for all your accounts for both of you.

But you definitely need to reprioritise as a couple. Because at the moment, it sounds like he's spending an awful lot on non essentials that benefit only him, when you don't get anywhere near the same amount of personal spending money and you're struggling to pay for essentials for your home and child. This is all the wrong way around, but getting him to see it will be a challenge.

We’ll done for having the budget conversation! Now keep pressing until you get equal opportunities.

I can assure you not everyone is in the same boat. He’s deluded. You need to ask him to send you the extra £200 each month otherwise it will just disappear.

This is actually a really common story, I’ve seen similar anecdotes in fiction over a century old. Basically you married a ‘dreamer’ who can’t or won’t understand his real position in life. ( I hope he doesn’t drink as that often goes hand in hand with this!) He gets all of his self-esteem from the image in his head of himself as a future successful rich businessman and will resist strongly any attempt to make him see himself as he really is, ie an optimistic broke guy who will never make big £ from social media. He’s missed the boat on that.

Having two cars in the situation you describe is bizarre. We have a high income, and a kid at private school, but we only have one car, and it’s nearly 9 years old. Another one would be handy, but we don’t need it and would see it at a ridiculous unnecessary extravagance. I don’t think his attitude to car and house size is normal, and renting a house with a soare bedroom when yoh can’t afford kids chose is, again, ridiculous. But you know that. The problem is him and i don’t know how to help with that. Maybe ask his mum to talk to him, or better a counsellor (but they’re expensive and eat money so I’m not sure that’s wise here). Or maybe just start looking on rightmove and showing him houses and start talking about “when we downsize.” Basically try to take control and see if he lets you.

No one is tied into an Adobe subscription, that's not how they work. He's such a bullshitter.

Who the fuck has subscriptions and equipment but can't clothe their child? Pathetic.

He can’t give the car back until he’s paid 50% back. Same with some of his equipment and the Adobe subscription he has.

Well that's clearly bullshit.
Why would he give his equipment back when he's paid half of it off?

Tell him to sell it and pay off the balance.

You have a child together; I'd really consider moving to having a joint pot for bills, groceries etc rather than you pay this bill, he pays that.
A couple of reasons for this;

You'll know if the bills are actually being paid. If he's shit with money, you could find you are in rent arrears which (assuming you are on the tenancy agreement) you'll be equally liable for.

You should both have equal spending money. For us, our salaries go in to the joint pot, then we have a standing order to our personal accounts for spends. How we spend that is up to us - if DH wants to fritter his on Tesco Meal Deals that his choice but he'll have less for other stuff.

@Wazza89

Sorry to drip feed but I need some further advice. I worked out that if I were to work 30 hours per week, by the time I account for childcare (I’d pay approx £181 per month), fuel and all the bills I currently pay … I would only have £34.41 spare for clothes, activities with ds, etc. That’s IF I cut down on some of my bills (e.g., deleting Amazon Prime, asking creditors to reduce costs, etc!). Mind you, that’s if DH doesn’t change his spending habits! Think I need to be firm!

This is an incredibly good deal for childcare. I'm looking at nearly £1000 a month.

Is that £34 a week extra ? That's almost £1800 a year - it'd go a long way towards covering clothes & shoes for DC, costs like Christmas and birthdays etc.

Time he sold the equipment and grew the fuck up.
Maybe you should get all the money paid into your bank account and you take control of all spending and see if you can put a stop to the missing £200 per month. How does he in all conscience spend that while you are borrowing money for kids’ shoes?
He’s clearly irresponsible and if you aren’t willing/able to leave him, you should at least be insistent on complete financial control until this situation is resolved. If he has credit cards cut them up.
All the money coming in needs to be shared - bills first and any extra is split between the two of you. Things for your child, be that clothes or childcare is a shared cost - you shouldn’t be buying those things out of your share. Have an account of your own that he cannot get to and if he incurs any more debt, the payment comes from his money, not the joint. Failure to agree to these conditions would be a dealbreaker.

He doesn’t sound that much of a B to me anyway. He’s working 5 days a week,
Big deal. No need to applaud a fish for swimming.

he’s ambitious
He's a dreamer with no business plan. Or clue.

and isn’t pressuring her to work
Purely because he 1) won't pay for childcare & 2) doesn't want to be in loco parentis on evenings & weekends, as it gets in the way of his hobby "side business".

he’s reassuring her when the kids go back to school things will be better.
He's Future Faking without any access to facts or guarantees.
Why does the family have to wait until OP can get back to work?
Why does he refuse to buy his child shoes, while he runs a car on finance he can't afford, & insists on a 3-bed rental he can't afford, so he has space for his expensive hobby equipment (that is also on finance, which he can't afford)?

Yup. sounds like a B to me, @FabriqueBelgique.

so lots of expenditure on 'hobby' - no income
he might want to be a content creator
sounds as if he needs to grow up

When does the OP get to indulge her dreams? I’m sure that working a zero hour contract job around ft childcare wasn’t her childhood ambition either. But when you are a parent, your babies needs outweigh a parent’s wants.
Bloody man children are infuriating!

OP - I'm guessing the missing £200 goes on "bits"? Tesco lunches 5 days a week would be £60 per month. That's if he buys nothing else when he's there. And then the cakes and whatnot you buy when you're out and about with your kiddo. It's so easy to spend £200pm between you on bits and pieces.

In your situation, what I would do is this -

Pool your income and divide the remainder between you each month.

I understand that about £600 of your money is cash-in-hand (right?). So I get that you pay for certain things in cash.

But regardless, look at the total of what you're both bringing in.

If £200 per month is what you have left over, then take £100 each for the month.

Or take £100 for kid/house stuff - like shoes, repairs, unexpected bills, etc. THEN split the remaining £100 between you, which gives you each £50pm to spend on whatever you want.

Look - at the end of the day, you've developed a dynamic with each other where his money covers certain things, yours covers certain things, and he's had a feeling of independence to spend a lot on things like his own car, video equipment, etc. Which is why you've been going to your mom for financial support. Financially, the two of you are operating completely separately.

I'm a big fan of separate finances in a relationship - BUT only if one person isn't screwing the other person over.

If you're going to stay together, this has to change. End of story. Your values and dreams are JUST as important. You DESERVE to be financially secure - and if you're ready to purse that, you deserve NOT to be dragged down.

I don't understand how you don't know where your money is going? I'm rubbish with money but I can understand bank statements. I go back through three months statements and write down my expenditures in different columns. When you compare them to your expected outgoings, you'll soon trace where the money has gone.

@madisonbridges

I don't understand how you don't know where your money is going? I'm rubbish with money but I can understand bank statements. I go back through three months statements and write down my expenditures in different columns. When you compare them to your expected outgoings, you'll soon trace where the money has gone.

She knows exactly where her money is going. On all the bills. She doesn't know where his is going because he's a selfish, wasteful, financially controlling knob.

@AwkwardPaws27 no it’s 34 a month I’d have left. The combined cost of childcare and fuel to get to my current job (which pays min wage) would cost over £200 and my outgoings are just under £600 (including council tax, food, gas & electric, water and personal loans, etc). In the past when I’ve told him he has to pay more towards bills (or I’d leave), he did but ran out of money before the end of the month so I gave up! My mum’s been stepping in to help and it’s upset other members of my family as they feel she’s being taken advantage of!

[quote Wazza89]@AwkwardPaws27 no it’s 34 a month I’d have left. The combined cost of childcare and fuel to get to my current job (which pays min wage) would cost over £200 and my outgoings are just under £600 (including council tax, food, gas & electric, water and personal loans, etc). In the past when I’ve told him he has to pay more towards bills (or I’d leave), he did but ran out of money before the end of the month so I gave up! My mum’s been stepping in to help and it’s upset other members of my family as they feel she’s being taken advantage of![/quote]
Maybe because she is being taken advantage of! It is not acceptable that your mother is having to supply basics to a family with two healthy working age parents and one child.