DH wants to be a content creator

[Wazza89]

DH and I are struggling for money. He works 5 days a week and I’m a SAHM (because childcare costs, etc). We never have enough money to go away and my mum has stepped in to lend us money for DS shoes when I can’t find anything secondhand. We BOTH have past debts and have been reckless with money pre having kids.

However, I feel there are ways to cut back. DH never brings food into work. He says he buys a Tesco meal deal which I understand isn’t exactly expensive, but still costs more than bringing food from home in. We have two cars between us and his is on finance. I’ve told him we can share mine (and I would even make him the registered keeper as he drives more than me), but he won’t consider it. We could also downsize the 3-bed house we rent, but he doesn’t really want to because the third room is his gaming room/man cave. He spends a lot of time in there streaming and making social media content. He says he wants to earn a full-time income doing what he loves (don’t we all?!) and has watched a lot of Gary V and other famous podcasters and YouTubers (self-made millionaires). He’s put a lot of money into business ventures that have never materialised and equipment for his social media stuff, etc. In the past, I’ve tried being supportive but now I’m at the end of my tether as I feel he is not being responsible or realistic. We’ve already had to borrow money this month to get his car serviced.

When I tried bringing it up the other day (very tactfully), he tried giving me a hug and telling me everything would be alright once DS is in school full-time and I go back to work. Other times it’s been when his latest project takes off, etc.

I know it’s the sunken cost fallacy but when I’ve snapped or not shown interest in his latest money making scheme, I’ve been told I’m not being supportive and he genuinely seemed gutted. His mother, on the other hand, is always incredibly supportive and tells him he can do anything he puts his mind to. Likes everything on his social media, etc! There’s nothing wrong with having ambition, but I wish he’d worry more about the now which I constantly am!

So annoyed for you

I earn a decent wage
I take packed lunch every day or night into work, there is no canteen

Some of my colleagues buy from the food van & spend £5 pet day on food

Your partner/husband must be spending £3 to £3.50 minimum on food per day

But you are borrowing money for your child's shoes

It sounds like you are living beyond your income

Do you need 2 cars ?

Can you work when he is at home ?

When my DC were small I was a student and then graduate and DH worked unpredictable hours, I worked evenings and weekends in a pub, could that work for you? It wasnt ideal but it meant I had an income that wasn't completely swallowed up by childcare (& escaped doing bedtime quite often )

@Wazza89

Sorry to drip feed but I need some further advice. I worked out that if I were to work 30 hours per week, by the time I account for childcare (I’d pay approx £181 per month), fuel and all the bills I currently pay … I would only have £34.41 spare for clothes, activities with ds, etc. That’s IF I cut down on some of my bills (e.g., deleting Amazon Prime, asking creditors to reduce costs, etc!). Mind you, that’s if DH doesn’t change his spending habits! Think I need to be firm!

Are you calculating that based on you paying for all childcare or based on your combined salaries?

It seems unfair to expect her to look after a baby all day, then work evenings and weekends, so her h can have luxuries. Honestly OP if you put up with this you are mad!

It might seem unfair but if that’s the only way op can get more money in the house what else can she do? His not willing to change anything.

She does everything and lives with him or I guess she can leave and do it all without him. Probably get more help that way.

Op you need to look for work around vyour DH. What hours does he work in his paid job? He needs to look after his child so you can work more because even a little bit will build up of your not spending more out

I would do some research how much a 2 bedroom property would be to rent. Compare this to the 3 bed price.
A spare man cave is costing X per month

But no money for shoes

This cannot continue !

Why are you putting up with this ?

Perhaps better to separate & claim child maintenance

Based on me paying for childcare because if he can’t afford to get his car serviced for £40 he can’t afford to split the cost of childcare. He doesn’t have money left at the end of the month as it is x

Pie in the sky disease. My dp also suffers from this. We've got completely separate finances and live separately despite having two children and being together. Otherwise I would be so angry all the time.
Can you sit him down, write list of incomings and outgoings and what would help and insist he picks at least one thing to change? It's not entirely their fault op, living on credit beyond their means, believing anyone can become rich by finding some magical solution that doesn't involve not only years of work but also a lot of luck and timing, is society's problem.

If he doesn’t even have £40 at the end of the month how is he going to buy good enough equipment for his streaming. It’s mainly a young persons game too.

My brother does it he streams and edits videos for hours every day, he goes to the events, meets with other creators and has his own merch. He doesn’t earn enough to not work and he has some very very expensive equipment.

@Wazza89

Based on me paying for childcare because if he can’t afford to get his car serviced for £40 he can’t afford to split the cost of childcare. He doesn’t have money left at the end of the month as it is x

Then separate. If you can't rely on him to care for your child what's the point? He can't afford to contribute to childcare for his own son so you can't work? That's bollocks.

He's refusing to allow you or your child any quality of life.

Realistically, if you can't work (I know you do occasionally) a full time job because he's physically preventing that, he's being financially abusive.

You need to find a job. Between the two of you, you can make it work.

@Horst he already has the equipment that’s the thing. We probably couldn’t fit it in a smaller house and that’s part of my frustration!

The only way i could make it work is if I found a job without travel costs (I.e. my local supermarket) and if I can get weekend hours or night shifts!

When did he get that stuff though because things are coming out every year new and upgraded it won’t be long before his stuff is low end gear.

My brother passes his stuff down and it works it’s way to my child as starter kit.

@Horst last year a lot of it is on finance

Ah crap so his over paying as well due to interest.

Honestly what are his good points?

You honestly would likely be financially better off of you separated, claimed cms and you’d get more help with childcare.

Then separate.
If you can't rely on him to care for your child what's the point?
He can't afford to contribute to childcare for his own son so you can't work?
That's bollocks.

He's refusing to allow you or your child any quality of life.

@girlmom21 has it.
He is financially abusing you OP. And his own child. What a tool.

@Wazza89 but all he pays for is rent, the car and broadband? So where does the rest of his money go? Or is he in a minimum wage job?

OP the hair extensions will be perfect considering how popular they are! A lot of start ups offer a big discount for the first few customers in exchange for review (whilst still making a small profit)

If you do it from home you will be able to offer late eve and weekend slots (really useful for office workers!) Local FB groups are a great place to find a client base.

Can you look into getting a grant for other beauty training?

Does your DH do weekday work and will he solo parent if you work weekends?

If your mum is SAH can she do childcare one day a week? Or can you find a friend to do a reciprocal thing with?

[quote Wazza89]@Horst he already has the equipment that’s the thing. We probably couldn’t fit it in a smaller house and that’s part of my frustration![/quote]
Leave him, & his precious equipment, to it.

If you rang a refuge & told them you need to leave the father of your child because he refuses to buy the child shoes, or contribute to childcare (or any child-related) costs, they would chalk you down as a financial abuse case & start giving you advice & help.

Have you been onto Women's Aid, Citizens' Advice, www.entitledto.co.uk/ yet?
I think you would end up WAY better off than you are currently.

Plus, CMS will take his contribution directly from his wages if he farts about refusing to pay for his child.

This man has made a virtual prisionor of you by his refusal to step up & grow the fuck up. I cannot see a single good point about him. What are you staying for?

@girlmom21 this is what I just can’t fathom. To be fair, he’s not on minimum wage but he is on a low salary/living wage. He does pay for the tv licence too (as well as broadband and rent). I don’t understand where the rest of the money goes. I know his car finance costs over £100 and he also has personal equipment on finance. The financial implications of returning to my current job part time (15/16 hours) are barely worth it. The only way around it is to find a local job (walking distance) which is evening/weekend which is what he’s asked me to do, but I still feel resentful (not about having to work, but about him!).

If you stay and go to work in the evenings. Do not let him have that money and do not move any bills into your name. Don’t even lend him a tenner tbh.

@Wazza89 you know the tv licence is about £15 a month don't you? It's really not much at all.

He needs to be really transparent with all of his incomings and outgoings. You shouldn't be unable to buy your son shoes without understanding why you can't afford it.

Are you honestly happy with him? You could claim help with childcare costs if you were a single parent on a low income. You'd be so much better off.

Why don’t you do a spreadsheet of all
The bills so you know exactly what is coming out each month. If he doesn’t want to do this with you- you have bigger problems than you thought. Finances should always be transparent.