DH wants to be a content creator

[Wazza89]

DH and I are struggling for money. He works 5 days a week and I’m a SAHM (because childcare costs, etc). We never have enough money to go away and my mum has stepped in to lend us money for DS shoes when I can’t find anything secondhand. We BOTH have past debts and have been reckless with money pre having kids.

However, I feel there are ways to cut back. DH never brings food into work. He says he buys a Tesco meal deal which I understand isn’t exactly expensive, but still costs more than bringing food from home in. We have two cars between us and his is on finance. I’ve told him we can share mine (and I would even make him the registered keeper as he drives more than me), but he won’t consider it. We could also downsize the 3-bed house we rent, but he doesn’t really want to because the third room is his gaming room/man cave. He spends a lot of time in there streaming and making social media content. He says he wants to earn a full-time income doing what he loves (don’t we all?!) and has watched a lot of Gary V and other famous podcasters and YouTubers (self-made millionaires). He’s put a lot of money into business ventures that have never materialised and equipment for his social media stuff, etc. In the past, I’ve tried being supportive but now I’m at the end of my tether as I feel he is not being responsible or realistic. We’ve already had to borrow money this month to get his car serviced.

When I tried bringing it up the other day (very tactfully), he tried giving me a hug and telling me everything would be alright once DS is in school full-time and I go back to work. Other times it’s been when his latest project takes off, etc.

I know it’s the sunken cost fallacy but when I’ve snapped or not shown interest in his latest money making scheme, I’ve been told I’m not being supportive and he genuinely seemed gutted. His mother, on the other hand, is always incredibly supportive and tells him he can do anything he puts his mind to. Likes everything on his social media, etc! There’s nothing wrong with having ambition, but I wish he’d worry more about the now which I constantly am!

Get a part time job OP , and he keeps the other stuff as a hobby - it may build, it may not— but at least you will have extra income— even allowing for a bit of work in an evening or weekend would make a big difference— there are even flexible evening call centre jobs you can do from home (using that 3rd bedroom)!!

@Winniemarysarah thanks for your feedback but I don’t live off my husband. We both pay bills. I buy all the food shopping (substituted by my cash in hand cleaning job). I pay for the water meter, gas and electric (which is on a meter) AND council tax! But frankly I’m sick or buying cheap, ‘smart price’ food and relying on my mother for ds shoes, etc. I will admit that I can be a bit careless and disorganised when I’m out and about with ds. He’s a fussy eater and if he won’t eat what I’ve packed for him then I’ll give in and buy him cake, etc. I also like a coffee when I’m out and don’t always think to bring a thermos (like some of my super organised mum friends 😂 but in all fairness I should!) He pays all the rent, and pays for fuel when we go out and about. He also pays for the tv license, broadband, and Netflix! His main expense is his car!

The job I’m in is min wage. I have no qualifications minus GCSEs and a TEFL I don’t know what to do with. I am also trained in hair extensions but it’s been so long I’m a bit nervous (I want to retrain).

I’ve been told by UC that I won’t qualify for free childcare until ds is 3. UC would also deduct 65p for every pound I earn. I worked out that if I were to do 15 hours a week I could earn up to £100 extra a month (after deducting childcare costs, fuel, etc., but I’ll double check this again as the whole universal credit issue is confusing for me! I could be wrong! Maths isn’t my strong point!).

It was actually my mother who told me it’s not financially worth it going back to work as I’ll be working for less than a min wage (after childcare costs) and she “wouldn’t bother”, however she’s been a sahm all her life and had well off parents and a husband who earned a fair amount. I know she can’t afford to keep lending me/us money!

I've got over 500 followers on instagram and I deleted my only post ages ago. People will just follow loads of people to try and get a follow back.

Objectively, do you think your DH has the personality/charisma to be a successful content creator? Is he particularly good at gaming, is he personable/funny/insightful? Does he have any contacts within that area?

Even if you weren’t earning actual money, the childcare costs you are saving your family are a direct contribution.
I hate this idea that the husband is working full time to provide, when he isn’t actually providing. He’s working ft primarily to finance his life, his car and his hobby and the OP is scrabbling around doing the less glamorous business of working out UC and trying to get the money together for her child’s essentials!

I think the issue is in your split of finances. It doesn’t sound fair to me.

You need to add up ALL household costs and pay these out of joint funds.

His car is not affordable. Not at the expense of not being able to buy his son shoes. FFS.

Each of teenagers have double your DH Instagram followers - and they aren’t influencers etc - just school and college kids.

Jesus. His follower numbers are completely lame. I mean, I also have 1000 followers on instagram and my last post was in September. I post photos from my Sims game .

I'm sorry but he really needs to stop behaving like a teenager obsessed with being liked. He's doing all this and causing a detriment to your family.

As an aside - let go of the idea that you should be earning ££ when working with a small child. No. You should be working to keep yourself in employment, to enjoy the pension contributions and keeping up with others so you're not disadvantaged years down the line. Go back to work, part time if you want. Start pooling all money, and pay for DS's childcare from joint funds. Have a proper 'come to Jesus' conversation with your husband that he needs to compromise on something else he'll end up penniless and potentially homeless trying to keep up with the Jones.

@Bobsyer has given very good advice @Wazza89 I would urge you to consider it. Can your mum help with childcare while you work? Also you can get good bargains on eBay and supermarket. I just got my son some trainers for £13 in Sainsbury's.

@Aderyn21

Even if you weren’t earning actual money, the childcare costs you are saving your family are a direct contribution. I hate this idea that the husband is working full time to provide, when he isn’t actually providing. He’s working ft primarily to finance his life, his car and his hobby and the OP is scrabbling around doing the less glamorous business of working out UC and trying to get the money together for her child’s essentials!

If only there was something OP could do about that.

I work in social and have for 10 years, it is nigh on impossible to make a living from it unless you have 100k+ followers and a genuine skill.

A close friend is a very famous make up influencer and gets a lot of income through sponsored content but she has spent years refining her talent and is also extremely attractive.

Gary Vee is an idiot to put it simply and a complete anomaly. I have no idea how that man continues to make money.

I’ve been told by UC that I won’t qualify for free childcare until ds is 3. UC would also deduct 65p for every pound I earn. I worked out that if I were to do 15 hours a week I could earn up to £100 extra a month (after deducting childcare costs, fuel, etc., but I’ll double check this again as the whole universal credit issue is confusing for me! I could be wrong! Maths isn’t my strong point!).

It's not your maths it's the bloody system they make it confusing!

Citizens advice can make sure you're getting everything you're entitled to and also help you make a budget.

They also help out with debt. Why not ask them for some help? www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

Also the extensions idea sounds amazing! Go for it!

Whoever said 'it's hard to retrain and costs money'. A lot of things in life are hard. I studied bachelor degree by getting a govt loan and downloaded PDF books so I didn't buy them. We are lucky we can get govt loans for us to study! Imagine - govt is borrowing you money so you can study.

My mum was a single mother to two kids with no CMS, she worked full time during the day and at nights learnt how to code. She was doing all-nighters in the office working for extra 'side hustle'. It was hell but we had no choice (well the other option was living in poverty).

I am not showing this up as an "example" or whatever; I just thought these are the usual things people do to afford a normal standard of living.

Isn’t your UC already deducting because of your partner’s wages?
www.childcarechoices.gov.uk/
This website is great for working out your childcare options

I don't see the problem with doing it as a hobby but he needs a lot more interest - I've got 35k insta just from posting my hobby, it took just over a year to reach 20k, I've never made any money through freebies but have had commissions which have been lucrative. He would be mad to Jack in his job before he's earning more online than in his job.

@lousanne

Whoever said 'it's hard to retrain and costs money'. A lot of things in life are hard. I studied bachelor degree by getting a govt loan and downloaded PDF books so I didn't buy them. We are lucky we can get govt loans for us to study! Imagine - govt is borrowing you money so you can study.

My mum was a single mother to two kids with no CMS, she worked full time during the day and at nights learnt how to code. She was doing all-nighters in the office working for extra 'side hustle'. It was hell but we had no choice (well the other option was living in poverty).

I am not showing this up as an "example" or whatever; I just thought these are the usual things people do to afford a normal standard of living.

Did you really think it was usual for people to work day and night to afford a normal standard of living? It isn’t.

And yes, some extraordinary people can do xyz. It doesn’t mean it’s possible for everyone.

He sounds like a selfish waster. He's embarrassing. I don't know how you bring yourself to have sex with him. I'd LTB.

In your circumstances 2 cars is ridiculous, a spare bedroom is ridiculous, not taking home packed lunches is ridiculous. Wanting to leave a job without having another solid income stream is ridiculous. He needs to grow up.

I don’t disagree that the OP would be better off in work and keeping her finances separate so he can’t blow every penny on junk. I still think the best way to achieve this is to separate- she could live in a smaller home, run the one car that she already owns outright and claim
support in her own name while she sorts out retraining. Especially if her mum is able to help with some childcare until free hours kick in at 3 years. I just think that trying to do any of this while her dh is still blowing money on crap will suck out any gains she could make because she really does need any money she can get her hands on to support herself to make improvements. As it is any additional money goes on improving his life and he’s too selfish to make any changes.
Pulling yourself up only works if you have a supportive partner or no partner dragging you back down.

OP can you work during the evenings/weekends when DH can look after DS instead of pissing about on the internet?

He can be a content creator, in his spare time. If he's one of the 1% or whatever who makes it then he can give up his full time job.

Look into getting rid of the financed car. Given the state of the second hand car market, the dealer might be willing to take it back on better than normal terms or you might be able to sell it and settle the finance without owing any more money.

I know a single meal deal sounds quite cheap, but they cost far more than the same food made at home/bought in multipacks, and add up hugely over time, so packed lunches an easy saving if you don't have loads of spare money.

Have you fully reviewed your budget and sought help with your debts? Depending on how bad it is, you might need a formal solution.

For both budgeting and debt, have a look at Moneysavingexpert, and do everything that's relevant.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/budgeting-debt-help/

I'd be telling him he needs to grow up and be more responsible, because you don't want to be endlessly struggling financially because he refuses to live within his means and spend responsibly.

Try to think about work in the longer term. If you wait, let's say 5 years before going back to work - that's 5 years less that you'll have in pension contributions, not to mention 5 years less work experience under your belt. Play the long game.

I don't live in the UK, but is it normal for a stay-at-home mother with a husband working a full-time job to get government assistance beyond the first year? I love the idea of help with education and childcare. But I'm a little ambivalent about the idea of subsidizing a household with two adults longterm.

People on low incomes can get top up help, which is as it should be since minimum wage really is very low.
And children do get some free hours at nursery when they are 3. I think there’s an assumption in this country that it’s not unreasonable to choose to look after your own child full time while they are still under 3. From a state point of view, that is. Individuals hold differing views on the value/importance/potential consequences of sah.

The hours at nursery are because this is for the child to socialise and develop and shouldn’t just be for the children of people on higher wages. It’s for the child more than the parents I think

Sorry to drip feed but I need some further advice. I worked out that if I were to work 30 hours per week, by the time I account for childcare (I’d pay approx £181 per month), fuel and all the bills I currently pay … I would only have £34.41 spare for clothes, activities with ds, etc. That’s IF I cut down on some of my bills (e.g., deleting Amazon Prime, asking creditors to reduce costs, etc!). Mind you, that’s if DH doesn’t change his spending habits! Think I need to be firm!