DH wants to be a content creator

[Wazza89]

DH and I are struggling for money. He works 5 days a week and I’m a SAHM (because childcare costs, etc). We never have enough money to go away and my mum has stepped in to lend us money for DS shoes when I can’t find anything secondhand. We BOTH have past debts and have been reckless with money pre having kids.

However, I feel there are ways to cut back. DH never brings food into work. He says he buys a Tesco meal deal which I understand isn’t exactly expensive, but still costs more than bringing food from home in. We have two cars between us and his is on finance. I’ve told him we can share mine (and I would even make him the registered keeper as he drives more than me), but he won’t consider it. We could also downsize the 3-bed house we rent, but he doesn’t really want to because the third room is his gaming room/man cave. He spends a lot of time in there streaming and making social media content. He says he wants to earn a full-time income doing what he loves (don’t we all?!) and has watched a lot of Gary V and other famous podcasters and YouTubers (self-made millionaires). He’s put a lot of money into business ventures that have never materialised and equipment for his social media stuff, etc. In the past, I’ve tried being supportive but now I’m at the end of my tether as I feel he is not being responsible or realistic. We’ve already had to borrow money this month to get his car serviced.

When I tried bringing it up the other day (very tactfully), he tried giving me a hug and telling me everything would be alright once DS is in school full-time and I go back to work. Other times it’s been when his latest project takes off, etc.

I know it’s the sunken cost fallacy but when I’ve snapped or not shown interest in his latest money making scheme, I’ve been told I’m not being supportive and he genuinely seemed gutted. His mother, on the other hand, is always incredibly supportive and tells him he can do anything he puts his mind to. Likes everything on his social media, etc! There’s nothing wrong with having ambition, but I wish he’d worry more about the now which I constantly am!

You both needs to put all your cards on the table, financially. Then agree a joint family budget. Then monitor expenditure against that budget (adjusting expenditure, or sometimes budget, accordingly).

There is no other option.

Your mother is being taken advantage of, by him. He's a user. Why isn't his mother financing her perfect darling's dreams?

Assuming your DH works 5 days per week. At £3 per day for a meal deal lunch.
That's £15 per week, or £60 per month.
Enough to buy his son a decent pair of shoes.
Not much of a parent if he is happy to see his son go without while he stuffs his face with a meal deal rather than taking something from home.

If he refuses to put his own financial cards on the table, it's game over really isn't it. Because that would tell you he is hiding something and that there is no trust in the relationship.

You can make a few savings already, no more lunches from shops tskr your own hot drink with you.

You also mention you pay tv license, amazon prime and netflix...wow cut one of them out. Do you really need all 3?

I only have amazon prime and netflix so I cut out the TV license as I dont each TV anymore, haven't done so for years. Just need to fill in that form online.

Even just cutting one subscription coild of paid for your child's shoes!

Seriously priorities!

@Wazza89 a minimum wage job at 30 hrs / week would pay £1092 a month (after tax & NI, without a pension scheme)?

Minus childcare & outgoings, you'd be increasing your monthly income by around £290 a month.

The problem with you making him packed lunches, is that's extra food from your spending, replacing his spending. What makes you think he'll give you the spare money, or spend it on your child? The evidence suggests he'll just spend more on his hobbies.

The good thing about my previous suggestion about a joint pot for rent & bills means that the money for bills is set aside first - so he can't say he's run out of money

@AwkwardPaws27 think I may have overestimated tax. Thanks for that

He wants the best for HIMSELF. He wants other people to perceive him as successful, nice car, nice house, SAHM looking after his kid.

Yet his son doesn't have shoes!

@Wazza89 no worries! There's a really good website called take home salary calculator which great for working out different scenarios and what you'll actually get paid x

Stop asking or taking money from your family

You need to cut your cloth & live within your income

Your partner seems very entitled
Man cave
Spending on his hobbies
Expensive car/s

Do both of you pay into a private pension?

Do you both have savings ?

I guess not, if you are borrowing from family

He is living a champagne lifestyle on a budget income

He would rather have gaming equipment and see his son go without stuff like new shoes than make his own lunches and bring them in.

What a fucking prick.

I’m going to start making him sandwiches

Ah nice - as you pay for the food shopping, he can keep the cash he spent on lunches and put it into his 'business'.

If I were you, I would get a full-time job, but I would definitely be putting money into a pension scheme, and I would definitely insist that the childcare costs be split. I honestly would not be bothered about the cost of the Tesco meal, because three pounds is not that much--homemade food isn't free, either.

[quote Wazza89]@AwkwardPaws27 no it’s 34 a month I’d have left. The combined cost of childcare and fuel to get to my current job (which pays min wage) would cost over £200 and my outgoings are just under £600 (including council tax, food, gas & electric, water and personal loans, etc). In the past when I’ve told him he has to pay more towards bills (or I’d leave), he did but ran out of money before the end of the month so I gave up! My mum’s been stepping in to help and it’s upset other members of my family as they feel she’s being taken advantage of![/quote]
Because she is being taken advantage of! Your partner isn't adulting and she's paying for it. You need to do what's the best for your child, and that means that his cushy life is over. You need to take over the finances or get your own small and cheap place.

Frankly, I don't get what you see in such a selfish father, but that's me.

Frankly, I don't get what you see in such a selfish father, but that's me.

Too bloody right. What a complete and utter dick. I'd be shaming him to his own family (not just his doting mother who is clearly of a certain type) if my partner was more concerned with his car than his son.

Put it this way - why is it that your job is going to be full time SAHP plus part time worker, and his is going to be full time worker and sitting on social media the rest of the time?

I lived with someone OP like this for a few years— he had champagne tastes yet beer money wages but wanted to look to the outside world that he was ‘doing well’ - luckily no kids involved but I had a pretty good job, not amazing money but enough and basically he used my income to fund his expenditure— I didn’t actually have an issue with a modest earning partner but I did have an issue with the fact he wanted to keep up a certain lifestyle based on my efforts.

Please don’t start making him bloody sandwiches!

I agree--fuck the sandwiches. He won't want to eat them. You will end up paying more for ingredients. He will want to have nice drinks to go with them. Etc.

Many years ago DH once came up with a similar idea. That he would really like to write a book and maybe he will be rich and famous. And I can work and earn money while he develops his writing career.
I kindly pointed out that I also have hobbies, one of them actually brings in some money (but clearly not enough to live on), what if I also wanted to jack in the job, what exactly are we supposed to live on? And why does he think he should have the option, but not me?

Luckily he came to his senses.

@G5000

Many years ago DH once came up with a similar idea. That he would really like to write a book and maybe he will be rich and famous. And I can work and earn money while he develops his writing career. I kindly pointed out that I also have hobbies, one of them actually brings in some money (but clearly not enough to live on), what if I also wanted to jack in the job, what exactly are we supposed to live on? And why does he think he should have the option, but not me?

Luckily he came to his senses.

Did he ever write the book?

Right, this is bollocks for you OP. You need to sit down with him and have a cards on the table conversation about all sources of income and all current outgoings.

Then, you need to both pay into a shared pot which will cover bills, rent, insurance, groceries, childcare, an allowance for clothes & shoes for DC, gas, electric, and subscriptions (you don’t need all 3 of Amazon Prime, Netflix and a TV licence though, and I really hope you haven’t also got Sky Sports….).

The amount you both pay into this pot should be proportionate to your income.

If you can’t convince him to do that, then you should prepare yourself financially to leave him because this will not get any better and any money you earn by returning to work is going to be frittered away by his fantasies and reckless spending

And if he doesn’t have enough to pay into the shared pot because of his ridiculous over commitments, well he can ask his own doting mother to help or he visits Citizens Advice for help with debt

This must be so frustrating for you OP and your husband definitely needs to take a look at what he’s spending money on, especially to stop your mum having to keep stepping in. However it does sound like your going to have to find some part time work as well unfortunately. I know it’s easier said then done, but your idea of part time shop work is actually a really good one. That is exactly what I do, my husband runs his own business and works away regularly so I work evenings and weekends to work around it. The handy thing about shop work is that there open late enough nowadays that you can get hours for after your husband is home from his job and also they have a high staff turnover, meaning there’s normally positions available quite regularly.