People who really love and enjoy life, what's the secret?

[zorrow]

Have been going through what I think is an existential crisis for quite some time and just wondered, what is it that makes some people love their life so much? Is it their mindset? Is it money? Is it relationships?

Don't let fear be the deciding factor for any decision you make (unless it's truly life threatening like playing with a poisonous snake or something)

And gratitude. Learn a bit about it - buy a book or something. I used to hear people wang on about gratitude all the time and I never understood it, but then I learned about it and now I do.

It's impossible for an intelligent and emotionally aware person to be truly happy with life. You can be a good person or a happy person, but not both.

I know where you're coming from with this but ultimately its no true.

It is true that highly intelligent and emotionally aware people often struggle to reconcile the compromises in life and are painfully aware of where their morality or ethics clash with the need to be pragmatic. This is partly why I think intelligent teenagers and young people often find life such a struggle: they become painfully aware of the cognitive dissonance between the approved way of living your life and the realities.

But that's where wisdom comes into play. The longer you are alive, the better you become at reconciling these things, realising the limits of your ability to control the world and the fact that no-one ever achieves perfection in all areas of your life.

Wisdom as opposed to raw intelligence means learning to be at peace with these compromises as long as you have done what you can to be true to yourself. And this is partly a factor of growing up and having experiences.

@DeepaBeesKit

It's impossible for an intelligent and emotionally aware person to be truly happy with life. You can be a good person or a happy person, but not both.

This is complete balls. My grandfather was both. He had less than many but was content with simple things and what little time & money he had was often spent helping others.

He constantly told me "if you have your health and your loved ones, and you know where tomorrows dinner is coming from, you are rich".

Yes, I think part of what makes me happy is my intelligence and emotional awareness. Caring about and thinking about others is fulfilling.

@TammyTwoSwanson agree re fear.

I gave up a council house to move into a private rented house 20 miles away so that I could go to Uni. I was fucking terrified but I did it anyway!

My dad made life miserable growing up, then my ex controlled everything. So now I find joy in the simplest things. Like the cat sitting on my bed or a walk on the beach.

I truly believe that a big part of it is how one feels physically - and that this becomes much more important as we age. Eating healthy food, doing enough exercise, being out in daylight every day, getting sufficient sleep and generally being physically comfortable goes a long way.

Not RTFT but for me - exercise. In many forms.
Run - alone, small groups, large groups, club, races, all weathers.
Swim - at the pool or with the bonkers open water posse.
Cycle - alone or with friends.
Walk - sometimes the 30 min walk in the dark with my audio book over the fields with my head torch is the high light of my day.

I noticed as I've matured I've stopped thinking the grass might be greener elsewhere and appreciate what I have more.

If you can adopt that mindset to enjoy what you have it helps a great deal, but obviously you have to be in a good position with all the basics in life first before you can do that.

But I do notice that some people, even when they have a lot of advantages and material things are still never happy and always searching for the next thing.

Also whatever you do, you need to feel that your life has purpose and meaning, whatever that is for you.

@Time40

I truly believe that a big part of it is how one feels physically - and that this becomes much more important as we age. Eating healthy food, doing enough exercise, being out in daylight every day, getting sufficient sleep and generally being physically comfortable goes a long way.

Definitely. Good self-care is critical.

I suspect the main thing is to stay away from social media (including MN - I have had very, very long periods away from MN because it so often feels like entering a gladiatorial ring).

Stop staring at your phone. I don't have a phone and get a huge amount of pleasure from standing at bus stops, chatting to strangers, listening to other people's conversations, observing what they are doing, etc, etc, etc. In other words, engaging with real life and real people.

I look for the best in everyone, I appreciate the good that I do have, I try to help people as much as possible while maintaining boundaries so I'm not taken advantage of.

I've always been a happy person, even if objectively I haven't had reason to be.

I'm a very happy content person. I think it's mainly something you're born with.

I strongly disagree with the posters who think it comes from not thinking too deeply about things. I'm a "thinker" (eg I read a lot of non fiction) and while I can see that there are lots of things wrong with the world, it doesn't stop me feeling happy on a day to day basis. My default setting is positive.

Derren Brown's book Happy is interesting on this subject.

I think it’s having a good relationship both with your partner and with your family.

Having a group of close friends.

Having a social life and a decent standard of living.

Having a job you enjoy.

And a dog. Definitely.

I decided to not be unhappy.

I cut out people that were dragging me down and were a drain in my emotions, people that gossipped, people that were CFs. I stopped going to places that I felt obliged to attend, such as work night outs. I don’t like them as I like to keep work and home separate. My work life have not suffered and my home life has improved by my non attendance.

I focused on educating myself on things I like and was interested in, which lead to new hobbies and interests.

None of this cost me anything. I had more time because if I had an activity to look forward to, I sped through the mundane jobs like housework. Otherwise I would’ve procrastinated all day.

I found I actually needed less money as well because I stopped trying to buy my happiness and only spent on things I really needed or wanted, like a family day out or a nice dress to wear when I did an activity I really wanted to attend.

I think it’s achievable for most people they just need to decide what’s important to them.

My first step was medication to help with my anxiety. From there, my head cleared to allow me a lot of clarity that I used to lack. Clarity helped me realise that so many things just don't matter at all, like what you have, what other people think of you etc. I think having that state of mind - and the knowledge that you CAN put yourself first - is key.

Plus the obvious like taking care of yourself, exercise, healthy diet, lots of water etc. That definitely supports a positive life.

Also be wary of these people who you think 'really love and enjoy life'. Chances are at least some of them are putting on a front, they may suffer with their mental health or hidden disabilities. Everyone fights secret battles.

What i find has worked for me is giving limited headspace to the painful stuff...even when you are going thought it and goodness knows I have been through it. Like Scarlett O'Hara I will try and limit the amount I feel at once...yes possibly easier said that done and I don't know how I do it but it gets me through. I try my best not to drown in it. I find "having a good cry" or "letting my feelings out" massively unhelpful. When my husband died, the best comfort I had was to spend time with my family and friends talking about totally other frivolous stuff.

Try to make sure there's always something nice to look forward to. Atm I've got a wedding (not mine!), a Dr Hook gig, and a 4 day mini holiday. The other thing is don't let your life get boring. If you're bored in your marriage, shake it up! If you're bored at work, change your job, if you're bored with your kids - ah maybe that's a step too far!

I made a big list (and advise others to do the same) of things I found to be wonderful and respectable in other people. Then I started picking things from the list that I felt I could fit into my life, and working towards them. My self respect went up. Then I started to simply ignore anything I could that dragged me down. Nothing essential, but just other people being crappy or putting pressure on me. I stopped responding. As a result, they stopped bothering me. This has left me with only the amazing friends, and things that make me respect myself filling the gap left by the flakes.

I'm infinitely happier.

Journal every morning focusing on good things and working through any bad feelings I have.

I stopped seeking approval from others and I started accepting them for who they are and that they are not a reflection of me or my worth.

Focusing on having pleasant interactions with others rather than confrontations. It's never worth it imo.

I also lived for six years in a developing country with little infrastructure so I am beyond grateful for things like my childrens' schools, the activities they have access too, electricity and clean running water, and being able to buy and cook what I like.

I still get bored, grumpy, down, have bad days, have major issues in my life, but I honestly do enjoy and love life the vast majority of the time.

Trying not to overthink/worry, being grateful for everything you how, things can generally be much worse in life. Trying to plan bits and get out there in nature, stay in touch with friends and family.
I can be an over thinker and have to actively not allow myself to go there with anxiety and worry, I often have to force myself to just get on with things.
Enough money to be comfortable helps, it’s harder to enjoy life when you’re stressed about money or don’t have enough to do things-I’ve been in both scenarios and having more money does equal happiness in that way.
Cheesy as it sounds, it’s just trying to make the best out of most situations-for example, I was messaging with my mum this weekend and she was complaining about how she hates winter, it’s too cold to go out much, the dark nights and mornings..on and on..I totally get it, but every suggestion I had it basically embracing it..hot chocolate with marshmallows, hibernating at home with some good films and books, putting twinkly lights up, looking forward to Christmas etc, fluffy socks and big jumpers, maybe cooking some winter comfort food, wrapping up and getting out for frosty walks...she moaned about it all. Most of the time I try to embrace life and just be grateful for it and be excited about the little things. It doesn’t always work and when I start to lose interest in things, I see I’m heading into a bit of depression, so I try to ramp it up a bit. Also having things planned and to look forward to helps a lot

I would say i love and have joy in life.

I think my partner is amazing, we've been together 11 years and I think he is beautiful. Looking at him makes me happy.

My son is a joy. Though we have many challenges as he has additional needs. I am thankful for him.

I'm fulfilled with work and I take on lots of side projects that make me feel like I'm giving back. I'm mentally stimulated.

I exercise and look after my body. This gives me joy.

I appreciate small things. Having a coffee in the autumn sun, when my son has a huge belly laugh, watching a movie cuddling my partner.

We've had a really tough few years and I think I try to look for the best.

*Things you have

'My dad made life miserable growing up, then my ex controlled everything. So now I find joy in the simplest things. Like the cat sitting on my bed or a walk on the beach'

This. Imo those have experienced real life challenges including tragedy and severe illness really do enjoy the simple things and find joy in just being, for example just not having hospital appointments and the associated shit to deal with is a brilliant week.

I know people who have lived relatively charmed lives and they are the most fucked up, unresilient people I know.

I think it's a way of thinking and 'being' that I've had to learn - recognising being contented, feeling gratitude. I also have always been able to keep moving forward in life and (eventually) leave things behind that aren't working out. I suppose it's quite a Buddhist outlook - all things are transient and ephemeral - some things are joyful and happy and some are shit. My experiences have made me who I am but I choose how they effect me as a person and how to move forward, so self acceptance too I suppose?

Having said that, surely no-one LOVES life all the time? There's always some sort of daily grind, even if you are the Queen

I used to be a bit miserable and discontented (is that a word?!) with life.
I was in an abusive relationship which I left, but then kept comparing myself to others, what they had and how their lives looked from the outside.

I now have a wonderful DH and our DS. We still have our problems, don't have a lot financially but I have learned to find the joy in life. A quiet coffee in the morning before everyone else wakes up, DS smile when I get him out of his cot, a walk around our beautiful town with the pram and dog. And the biggest change is not comparing out life with anyone else's.