People who really love and enjoy life, what's the secret?

[zorrow]

Have been going through what I think is an existential crisis for quite some time and just wondered, what is it that makes some people love their life so much? Is it their mindset? Is it money? Is it relationships?

They remain willfully and happily ignorant of bad news and issues in the news. Not a bad way to be.

Agree about comparison being the thief of joy.
For those of us lucky enough to have a wonderful OH, life is much easier.
If possible a walk every day makes me feel much better mentally and physically.
A hobby or an interest.
As pps have said, some people are just born with a more optimistic, cheerful attitude.

I like a fair amount of this comes down to disposition: some people are naturally more happy go lucky and better able to roll with life's punches, others are chemically disposed to struggle more etc. That said, I think there are some general principles which make life easier to enjoy:

• Learning to be a good friend (particularly if you don't like your family) and nurturing friendships
• Having a good relationship with a SO who you trust and enjoy spending time with helps a lot, though you can be very happy without one and close friendships are much better than an inadequate partner
• BUT having good boundaries and not being a people pleaser is critical.
• Being comfortable with yourself and your choices and not living your life to please others or to keep up with others' expectations
• Worrying as little as possible about what other people think about you and refusing to do things just to fit in
• Being able to evaluate and learn from your past mistakes and take things forward in a constructive way; not dwelling on the past
• Enjoying your own company as much as possible and not being over-dependent on others

Is comparison the thief of joy? I’d say it depends what you’re comparing.

If ever I feel a bit down I take a moment to think about the many people who have it worse than me. From people within my own circle to those in other countries who face things I couldn’t imagine dealing with. That’s comparison and it makes me grateful for my life.

To be blunt, I love life now I have money. I’m not rich by any stretch of the imagination. But I don’t have to worry about bills. I can afford a nice holiday here and there etc. The absence of worry has given me the headspace to appreciate the small things. When your head is full of worries it’s hard to be happy.

I just make a choice to be happy. I'm aware that sounds trite AF but it really isn't: I look at any given situation and I try to find the positive. If someone hurts me, I try to find compassion for them - how hurt and damaged must they be to lash out at me? I have amazing friends and I work hard at maintaining that network. I trust myself and forgive myself when I fuck up.

But also I allow myself to feel sadness and anger and all those other emotions. I don't suppress anything, but I tend to move on quickly.

Oh and wine. And chocolate. I'm not one of life's self-deniers.

I would say I'm happy as a sandboy 90% of the time.

Condensing my work hours so I only work 3 days a week, the free time is bliss especially now my dc are older teens. I earn enough to get by and work overtime if I need to save for something. Jogging has also helped me so much over the past 16 years I never want to go but feel so much better both mentally and physically when I do.

My life is in no way enviable (most people wouldn't want or aspire to my life, I think) but I think I am generally happy or at least content.

I think it's a mindset. I am easily pleased by small things and enjoy my work. I like being busy and deal well with stress. I don't aspire to things or possessions and I'm not competitive. I'm not unduly bothered by my kids achievements or lack of or the way I look or how my house looks other than being reasonably clean and tidy.

I think social media has us convinced that if we are not having "the best day ever" or "living our best life" all the time, then something is wrong.

I only have Facebook and even then just check out local sites for info regarding events etc. I like mumsnet for the different opinions and viewpoints. Other than that, no social media at all.

I think it can be a combination of what you have (good relationship, enough money, good health etc) and your personality type (how you approach life). I was in an abusive marriage for over 20 years and would still say I've had a good life so far. I tend to look at the positives rather than the negatives and I'm very resilient to challenges. I've been in huge debt, drawing money out of one credit card to pay for another yet still would count myself lucky. I'm now in a great relationship and finances are stable and, of course, my life is easier but I think because of my outlook I just tend to focus on the good stuff.....that might explain why I stayed in such a bad relationship for so long...

Also think it depends on your expectations of life and how well you are achieving your goals. I am homely and like a fairly quiet life which is pretty easy to achieve and enjoy. If you have aspirations of success and wealth (like my ex), not achieving it will leave you dissatisfied.

@Meruem

Is comparison the thief of joy? I’d say it depends what you’re comparing.

If ever I feel a bit down I take a moment to think about the many people who have it worse than me. From people within my own circle to those in other countries who face things I couldn’t imagine dealing with. That’s comparison and it makes me grateful for my life.

To be blunt, I love life now I have money. I’m not rich by any stretch of the imagination. But I don’t have to worry about bills. I can afford a nice holiday here and there etc. The absence of worry has given me the headspace to appreciate the small things. When your head is full of worries it’s hard to be happy.

YY @Meruem and I should have added that to my post. I am comfortably off and have proven through working for myself that I'll always be able to pay the bills. That has given me the level of security from which happiness grows.

I grew up in a very precarious situation as well and so I don't think comparison is always the thief of joy when comparing how far you have come.

It’s absolutely mindset and appreciation. To the untrained eye I am a failure. I am a chronically ill single mother on benefits, no money, divorced, unstable future, no great achievements in life (apart from my son). But I was in bed for nearly 4 years begging to die in extreme suffering, I still suffer but not to the same extent and I’m so grateful that I’m able to function a little day to day and not wish to die from the unrelenting suffering that I am joyful, happy, appreciative of every small joy in life. My sister in law is RICH doesn’t work has everything you could ever wish for and she is miserable and can’t find joy in anything and is constantly searching for meaning in her life. I believe struggle, suffering and understanding of all we have to be grateful for is what makes you happy in the end.

Yes to exactly what @technosaurus says above.

After 40 years of being anxious and low-level stressed/somehow dissatisfied with life - and then enduring some sudden major life stressors in quick succession (bereavement/illness/then hit-and-run) - my life is very different, in a good way now - appreciating every hour of every new day, every day is a happy day.

Reminding yourself that any day free of worries and stresses should be enjoyed and appreciated for what it is.

The most Pollyannaish types seem to go through life without thinking much about it, and without reading much about history or current affairs. Quite often a love-and-light disposition is built on a profound incuriosity (which goes hand in hand with a certain navel-gazing solipsism and lack of care about other people).

However it's possible to learn and work at attaining some sort of base contentment. I default to melancholy a lot but have got a lot better at not wallowing in it. The "tricks" are all fairly boring. Take pleasure in little things - learning a new fact, meeting a new person, a favourite song, a good meal, getting lost in a film, a dog being silly. Count your blessings - there are so many ways in which my life is good. And the most boring of all - exercise. It's invaluable to good mental health.

I am one of these 😀
I have removed anyone from my life who is negative, full of drama and generally joy sucking. My adult dcs are thriving independently, I don't worry about them.
I put myself first. My life is fun and interesting. I have a great dh, we share interests but aren't joined at the hip. We ho out, travel and look after ourselves.
And we don't moan!!!

They don't overthink, they are grateful for all the good things they enjoy and they love to give...of time, of money, of energy and, at the risk of invoking a nauseating hashtag, of kindness. I agree with PPs that you won't find many of them on places like this.

They are better people than I am and happier for it.

I wish I knew! My default setting is annoyed/miserable/angry.

I try to do more of the things that I find enjoyable, so I arrange to see friends a lot for coffee. I try and spend more time by the sea, and petting dogs!

A good dopamine supply (as in their bodies produce the right amount and absorb it correctly).

It makes you feel completely different.

@THisbackwithavengeance

My life is in no way enviable (most people wouldn't want or aspire to my life, I think) but I think I am generally happy or at least content.

I think it's a mindset. I am easily pleased by small things and enjoy my work. I like being busy and deal well with stress. I don't aspire to things or possessions and I'm not competitive. I'm not unduly bothered by my kids achievements or lack of or the way I look or how my house looks other than being reasonably clean and tidy.

I think social media has us convinced that if we are not having "the best day ever" or "living our best life" all the time, then something is wrong.

I only have Facebook and even then just check out local sites for info regarding events etc. I like mumsnet for the different opinions and viewpoints. Other than that, no social media at all.

easily pleased.com is one of my nicknames! Little things do make me inordinately happy.

I disagree that if you're unhappy it's because you're made that way, unless you have a mh condition, like severe clinical depression.

I agree with Technosaurus and Smithfamilyrobinson. A lot of it is to do with having a balance in your life. Goals to achieve (however small, like couch to five k or learning basic Spanish); good friendships; self care; hobbies and interests; making your house as cosy and attractive as you can; volunteering has been shown to increase happiness; exercise, particularly things like running, cycling, yoga or Pilates; holidays or treats to look forward to.

I think it's also important to remove/minimise from your life things that don't give you joy: toxic family or friendships; a job you hate; belongings that you don't like; obligations you resent having etc.

You can work on each of these areas as they each help to change mindset. Also therapy can be a great way of improving happiness, especially if you have a therapist who works with you to change things rather than someone you just dump on.

It's a bit of everything.

I feel that mindset sets the tone - and mindset can be shaped and changed at will, also. I don't mean that if you are clinically depressed, you can suddenly snap out of it; but that you can gradually start to be conscious of your mindset and try to look at things in a new light.

It's about doing as much of what you love as possible, and as little of what you don't. Misery tends to set in when you are not happy with your life overall - when your actual life isn't in alignment with what actually brings you personal joy. I think that the "bringer of joy" varies for everyone.

For me, the biggest thing that makes me happy is not being on an enforced schedule. Choosing when I work, and what kind of thing I work on. If I am working a job I don't like (which is true at present), I work on changing my job and I work as few hours as possible in the process.

Because I'm freedom-motivated and very flexible, dreamy, introverted, into nature, etc., I try to shape my life accordingly. I consciously avoid situations that lead to the merry-go-round of "work more for more stuff / acquire more stuff and keep working to pay for it". And I tend to prioritise alone time, for creativity, dreaming, etc. I'm happiest when I'm in a thick forest, on top of a big mountain, or by the sea. So I'm working on incorporating that into my daily life as much as possible (not able to be there yet - but knowing I'm working towards it is something).

So I think it's about finding out what you actually value and prioritising that in your decisions.

It's also about removing the negative aspects of your life, as much as you can. Work you don't enjoy, harmful relationships, etc.

I used to be in an abusive relationship, working in a job I absolutely hated. I eventually, finally, left - and a year or two later, managed to leave the job also. When you've been through something like abuse, and basically gone through a complete emotional/mental breakdown, it gives you an appreciation for life and for freedom. Perhaps for me, this is why I'm so sensitive to any form of control, and perhaps it's why what makes me happiest is to pursue freedom in whatever form appeals to me.

What makes you feel discontent with your life, OP? Is it your job, friends, where you live? Are you bored? Unhappy? Frustrated?

@Technosaurus

Pursue hobbies and interests; enjoy your work or if you don't, minimise the amount of time spent there; know and manage your outgoings so live comfortably within your means (don't confuse this with simply "being rich", it's not the same); maintain your valued friendships; deal with your adult family largely on your terms (and accept that death is an inevitable part of life so when those you love aren't there you are in some way "ready" for the upheaval); if you want kids, have them, if you don't want them, don't; make the effort with people who do the same for you; always have something to look forward to, big or small; try new things and when you like something, do it a bit more.

I'm a funeral celebrant who deals with hundreds of life stories every year and the happiest ones pretty much all follow that trend.

This is a great post. I think making changes to life to be happier is possible even for restless overthinkers like me. For me it is involving retraining for a new career, taking a paycut but having lots more time and really prioritising doing things I enjoy. Next step: figure out if my marriage is the one I want to be in. Answers on a postcard, please! 😁

It is mindset. I don't crave holidays abroad,big house. I enjoyed my job,(nursing) I couldn't do a job I hated for fantastic sums of money. There was an online questionnaire a couple of months back,are you happy. Ironically at the moment, feeling quite down,which is very unusual for me.miserable and negative friends bring you down. I had a friend for nearly 40 years,saw her through everything trauma you could imagine. Health problems that were her own doing. You name it. Many times I thought of severing the friendship. Always moaning she had no money,yet,no mortgage and regular legacies of £250k, when relatives passed. In July she cancelled me, just because I said I was surprised she had her heating on,this is the mild SE corner of the UK. A few weeks later,I hear from her grandaughter,she suddenly died! Old saying,"If you can't do what you like,like what you do". I am a worrier. Things I saw while nursing. My youngest DD had a bad car crash recently going home from me,so made her promise to text when she gets back home,she left here Saturday,still waiting for the text

Be grateful for what you have.

Don't compare yourself to those better off, look how much more you have than others

Eat a good variety of veg. Supposedly your gut health effects your mood.

Fresh air and getting in nature with trees apparently too. (Was only half listening to the radio)

Don't be in a shit relationship.

Religion works for some. If your value lies in your relationship to/with God every day worries are easier to cope with and, I have found, the really big ones too. You get community with it which is an added benefit.

Having a relationship with yourself/ taking care of your inner life

I have been pretty happy throughout my life, always looking on the bright side, having hobbies, valuing friendships, living in the moment, but this is the thing that has brought a more sustainable level of happiness that feels more authentic.

I have done a lot of work and reflection on my inner world, how I react to things, how I project onto people, paying attention to things that 'trigger' a emotional reaction, trying to integrate my shadow side in a functional way (e.g. aggression into assertiveness) and realising that I have all the aspects alive in me that I may judge in others.

I don't really get spiked by anyone any more, I don't get offended, I don't lack compassion for others even when they are 'being vile'. I am not judgmental of people.

With that, my inclination for fun and not sweating the small stuff is much enhanced.

I also feel strongly that you should be able to face and allow difficult emotions to be what they are. I experience them from time to time but I am strongly against medicating away emotions as I believe they are there to tell us something important and need to be nurtured not obliterated and ignored.

And yes to not being a big consumer. As long as the bills are paid I choose time over money every time.

@Fritilleries

They remain willfully and happily ignorant of bad news and issues in the news. Not a bad way to be.

Oh yes!

I made a deliberate decision not to watch the news a while ago. It's definitely contributed to an improved happiness. People probably think I'm really ignorant though 🤣