People who really love and enjoy life, what's the secret?

[zorrow]

Have been going through what I think is an existential crisis for quite some time and just wondered, what is it that makes some people love their life so much? Is it their mindset? Is it money? Is it relationships?

I've not been able to rtft but for me, health is massively related to happiness. If you are fortunate enough to not have serious health conditions, or to be worried about the health of the people you care about, it's a massive thing that shouldn't be taken for granted.

Health scares drag me down. Worrying about becoming unwell, especially when coupled with a real phobia of medical settings, is really detrimental.

I think if you're fortunate enough to have good physical and mental health it's a good starting place to go on and achieve the things you would like to in life which leads to happiness.

Getting divorced.
I know some posters get cross when people like me advise 'ltb' so quickly for relationships that are clearly miserable, but it's because I'm so much happier, and just want to spread the word. If it's doable.

Actually, divorce probably comes under what a lot have people have already suggested on this thread 'live in the moment' (ie don't wait till kids have left) 'stop being a people pleaser' (ie staying for kids) 'stop martyring yourself' (ie making yourself miserable trying to make your family work) 'do more of what you like' (more time to do hobbies when ex has dc)

www.actionforhappiness.org

Hhhhhhhhh

I was going to put the list below, then realised that a lot of it is around luck. I'm not sure I'd be able to do the below if I had a terminal medical condition, or suffered from poor mental health, both of which can be related to things you have no control over. All very well saying 'positive mental attitude' when you're not homeless, or unhealthy.

So my answer is luck and a positive happy attitude

Mindset.
Enjoy what you've got and be content.
Enjoy the moment,
Appreciate what you've got

I love life and feel happy.
It is a lot to do with mindset, I meditate, do yoga, am spiritual, do t sweat the small stuff. But it’s mainly feeling in control of myself, I’ve worked hard to have a job I love and gives me purpose, I surround myself with good people, I put time and effort in to my relationships and keep fit and healthy, I have lots of fun. I take a lot of personal responsibility and if something isn’t right I change it. I believe what ever happens I will be ok as I can rely on myself to pick myself up and get back in my feet.
There’s lots of information about internal v’s external locus of control, I am definitely naturally an internal locus person. It’s a good topic to read up on for anyone wanting to be happier and more positive.

@arethereanyleftatall

Getting divorced. I know some posters get cross when people like me advise 'ltb' so quickly for relationships that are clearly miserable, but it's because I'm so much happier, and just want to spread the word. If it's doable.

Actually, divorce probably comes under what a lot have people have already suggested on this thread 'live in the moment' (ie don't wait till kids have left) 'stop being a people pleaser' (ie staying for kids) 'stop martyring yourself' (ie making yourself miserable trying to make your family work) 'do more of what you like' (more time to do hobbies when ex has dc)

I agree with this. My life has been so much more enjoyable since getting divorced, so much less stress because I don’t have to please.

I hate to say this, and will probably get my arse handed to me over this, but....

All the people that I know that are very happy and love life have loads of money!

One in particular is married to a man with a very successful business. She is a SAHM and is able to really love it as there are no money worries, they live in a beautiful house with a pool, she can buy expensive organic food to cook beautiful meals for the kids, she has fun having beauty treatments, personal training sessions and buying loads of nice clothes. They also have two very expensive holidays per year and UK mini breaks to luxury hotels.

I do think having money makes life more enjoyable

Gratitude
Extreme personal responsibility
Taking care of friends who take care of you
And a happy marriage/relationship which is really only possible with a huge dollop of grace for one another.

Also, not having unrealistic ideas about 'being happy'. Happiness is a byproduct of living a purposeful, truthful life and that can be quite hard work. It's not the goal or apermanent state of being. It comes and goes like everything else.

@arethereanyleftatall

Be more dog.

Brilliant, I just couldn't help thinking of weeing up the next lamp post and trotting off with my tail in the air!

But I do know what you mean - sniff around, wag at other dogs, look for the next adventure, the next squirrel. Walks and snoozing by the pub fire. Dogs know the secret to a good and satisfying life.

My all time favourite quote for recipe for happiness is from Dodie Smith (101 Dalmations, I capture the Castle).

''Noble deeds and hot baths''

If I had a family crest I would so have this as my motto. It is true.

Looking after yourself and helping others is a great starting point.

@Badhairday101

I love life and feel happy. It is a lot to do with mindset, I meditate, do yoga, am spiritual, do t sweat the small stuff. But it’s mainly feeling in control of myself, I’ve worked hard to have a job I love and gives me purpose, I surround myself with good people, I put time and effort in to my relationships and keep fit and healthy, I have lots of fun. I take a lot of personal responsibility and if something isn’t right I change it. I believe what ever happens I will be ok as I can rely on myself to pick myself up and get back in my feet. There’s lots of information about internal v’s external locus of control, I am definitely naturally an internal locus person. It’s a good topic to read up on for anyone wanting to be happier and more positive.

I agree about the internal/external locus. Even when I was deeply depressed I always thought it was all my fault, not the world's fault. That made it easy to take responsibility for getting happier and staying happier. must be harder for people whose natural inclination is to want the world to change in order to be happier.

@IseeScottishhills

@Blueeyedgirl21

Yes! A bit of luck, a bit of get up and go/planning and simple pleasures like you have both described are exactly what keep me feeling that life is a gift.

I 've been through plenty of life's shadows but I keep looking for the light. One of my parents died very young (36) and especially as I overtook him in age I have always felt that I have been given so much more time to be in life. He relished life, worked hard, had oodles of love and fun to share.

@LumosSolem I totally agree with you about the importance of good health. I left an abusive relationship when my DS was two years old. I found us somewhere to live near friends and family. I worked full time in a demanding job. I was always happy and upbeat, my son was happy we really enjoyed our life. We had zilch in the way of money or anything else. I was however young and very fit and healthy, we were always outdoors in the countryside or by the coast as lucky to live near them. I was always optimistic and ‘glass half full. I am much older now over the last eight years I have found it increasingly difficult to be happy. Many of my close family and friends have got ill or old and died. I am lucky in that I now have a good husband who is a very kind man. We have a comfortable amount of money to live on.I miss my DS really my only remaining family as he had to move a 7 hour drive away for work. He and his partner have decided not to have DC which is entirely their choice. I would never mention it but that is source of great sadness to me.I had a lot of caring responsibilities for elderly family members which I never minded. Since those responsibilities ended I have been constantly ill.I feel like I wake every day with a new ailment! I am now finding it difficult to manage my house and garden now which I did used to enjoy. I recently developed worrying symptoms associated with cancer and I fully expect more bad news. I feel my optimism has just been replaced with sadness for what the future holds. I do try to count my blessings and I appreciate previous support I have had from MN. I know there are others worse off than me and I am grateful that I have known happiness in my life.

@StarsAndSky0

I think you're either that kind of person or you're not, OP.

If there's a secret I'd love to know what it is, I've always been a miserable so-and-so!

I've been both, so it's not 'either/or'.

The secret? Know that you are in the moment, now, and you cannot be anywhere else. This moment, now. The past is gone, the future doesn't exist. Now is all that counts.

Set your criteria for happiness. Mine is 'no/not much physical pain' and 'a roof over my head'. It those are fulfilled, I'm happy. It's my baseline. Anything extra makes me even happier. A cup of tea, a message from someone I care about, a sunny day, a pattern of frost on a window... all extra happy things. My clothes make me incredibly happy. I rationalised my wardrobe so that every day I can dress in clothes that are comfortable and that I enjoy wearing. My bed is a place of incredible happiness, so many pillows, duvets, so much lovely fabric. And so on.

Banking. Bank every happy moment. Notice, and tell yourself 'That's one in the bank!' No-one can ever take that happy moment experience away from you. You had it, experienced it, it's yours. It's in your bank account of happy times.

Try it. If I can be happy, anyone can!

@MsFannySqueers It sounds as if the past 8 years have been really difficult for you.
I am so sorry that you are feeling so (understandably) down and I really hope that you DON'T get any more bad news but that whatever is wrong with your health is easily fixed.

@wantanotherdog Thank you for your kind words.

In my opinion it is definitely not money based. I really agree that you need to be happy with yourself and if you are, life is pretty good. But that might be because I have seen the other side and I have also seen some very angry, unhappy, miserable rich people.

[quote MsFannySqueers]@LumosSolem I totally agree with you about the importance of good health. I left an abusive relationship when my DS was two years old. I found us somewhere to live near friends and family. I worked full time in a demanding job. I was always happy and upbeat, my son was happy we really enjoyed our life. We had zilch in the way of money or anything else. I was however young and very fit and healthy, we were always outdoors in the countryside or by the coast as lucky to live near them. I was always optimistic and ‘glass half full. I am much older now over the last eight years I have found it increasingly difficult to be happy. Many of my close family and friends have got ill or old and died. I am lucky in that I now have a good husband who is a very kind man. We have a comfortable amount of money to live on.I miss my DS really my only remaining family as he had to move a 7 hour drive away for work. He and his partner have decided not to have DC which is entirely their choice. I would never mention it but that is source of great sadness to me.I had a lot of caring responsibilities for elderly family members which I never minded. Since those responsibilities ended I have been constantly ill.I feel like I wake every day with a new ailment! I am now finding it difficult to manage my house and garden now which I did used to enjoy. I recently developed worrying symptoms associated with cancer and I fully expect more bad news. I feel my optimism has just been replaced with sadness for what the future holds. I do try to count my blessings and I appreciate previous support I have had from MN. I know there are others worse off than me and I am grateful that I have known happiness in my life.[/quote]
I can relate to this . I understand how you feel. Sometimes things just seem to too the other way and it’s so hard to tip it all back. Life can have no obvious problems but there is still a feeling of sadness and having lost something important which can’t be regained.

@MsFannySqueers - it sounds like you have devoted your life to caring for others and now feel a bit lost. Can you give yourself a massive, I mean MASSIVE dose of self care? I did that a few years ago and it was life changing. I can feel my resources running low again after lockdown, deaths in the family, MH issues in the family and lots of other things I've needed to take care of, and I plan another massive dose of self care next year.

If you meditate and work on creative visualisation it can massively reduce pain and inflammation. Journalling can help off load all those sad unprocessed thoughts about missing DS and wishing he'd have children etc. Creating a bucket list of small and big, free, cheap and once-in-a-lifetime challenges can help you focus on your own desires again instead of busying your life caring for others. It sounds like you have a lovely DH so maybe you could scoot off on some adventures of your own together.

These people generally sponge off their parents or have a lot of credit card debt.

@LucySullivanIsGettingMarried I grew up in a family where we ate out everyday, went for overseas holidays every year, stayed in 5 star hotels, lived in a 5000 square feet house with 8 bathrooms and 6 bedrooms. My dad drove a BMW (cost the equivalent of £150k in my home country due to certificate to own a car and import taxes). I have no student loan debt as my parents paid for law school in London.

I don't have that lifestyle now but I can categorically say I am a lot happier despite owning a much smaller flat than my parents' house. I live in London which is an amazing city and with endless things to do. You get used to material things. My parents are used to their house and they see their daily restaurants meals in the same way you see Tesco or Asda. They like their holidays but due to pandemic, they haven't really gone on holiday bans and anyway real life isn't an endless holiday. A car is a car whether it is a BMW or a Honda. They aren't into designer clothes or personal fitness sessions- they run around their local park for exercise and I can tell you that any London park would also suffice. Exercise is exercise. And yes they can afford nice clothes but at a certain price point, it's all marketing and you don't need to be mega rich to have nice clothes anyway.

Money is important to pay your mortgage and to meet your daily needs but it doesn't necessarily make you happy. You are not 100 times happier if you eat at Salt Bae's steak restaurant as opposed to my £40 meal with my hubby at a Chinatown restaurant (which I have as a weekly treat). I don't think I would be 7 times happier if I ate there everyday as opposed to every week. Might even be ok with eating there monthly as opposed to weekly.

Happiness and a positive outlook doesn’t have anything to do with having loads of money. I agree you need a certain amount to cover bills and meet your basic needs each month and that is important for mental health, living in poverty is stressful and damaging.
I don’t personally agree if I was suddenly wealthy it would make me any happier. In fact I’m sure there are studies that show people who win the lottery initially say they feel happier, but over time their happiness levels decrease to what they were prior to the win.
More money isn’t the answer, it would probably be easier if it was though.

Jesus! He is life 😃

There is a huge difference between what you actually need and what you want.