People who really love and enjoy life, what's the secret?

[zorrow]

Have been going through what I think is an existential crisis for quite some time and just wondered, what is it that makes some people love their life so much? Is it their mindset? Is it money? Is it relationships?

Experiencing lockdown really increased my ability to be content with life's little pleasures.

I feel like I am a happier person.

I think being grateful and not being greedy helps a lot. I think 'greed' might be the wrong word for it, but my impression is that people in the UK have very high expectations of what life should look like- they expect a house with big garden in a picturesque location which is still walkable to all amenities as well as countryside; 2 perfect children, overseas holidays, a dog, a job with flexible hours and WFH, not too much stress and lots of leisure time to go to the gym, pursue hobbies, go on countryside walks etc. The reality is that a house in a pretty town usually costs a lot and needs a higher wage job to maintain esp if its also near to amenities and countryside; there are exceptions but that often is the case. Often the higher wage 'career' type jobs are in London/the SE where property is expensive. And so people move further and further out into the sticks to get that ideal house/ideal life with country walks and dog but then they also get the long commute or even if they switch to wfh/local work, they get the sense that their careers have been compromised. Basically you can't have everything so we should stop kidding ourselves that it is. We should try to structure our lives around what we prioritize rather than try to get everything and end up disappointed. I prioritize living near amenities and family and being able to walk/take public transport everywhere so i bought a small flat in London. I know that childcare for 2 children while paying a london mortgage would be too much stress so I am aiming for one child even though '2 children is the ideal'. My DH doesn't expect remote work, he has to go into his office in canary wharf everyday but he tries to look at the positives- more structure, getting a coffee from his favourite italian cafe etc. We both work pretty long hours but we are lucky that we can afford to go on lovely holidays and eat out at restaurants regularly so no point stressing about work; after all this is the trade-off.

I also don't want to say that we should have low expectation, because having low expectations because given the shrinking middle class, low expectations could mean poverty for a lot of people and that isn't great for them. But it wouldn't hurt for us to moderate and manage some of our expectations.

I just try to make the best of things. That's it, really. A friend really offended me the other week when she said "well, I'd be happy if I were you, your life is so much better." No, is isn't. She's got a lovely supportive husband who adores her, owns a nice house, family money and a safety net. I have none of that. If she wanted my life, she could have it. She's just so incredibly negative and doesn't appreciate anything she does have or the many things that go really well for her. Takes her good health for granted, and her mobility. Takes her friends for granted. Takes her job for granted. Takes everything for granted.

I had a massive fight with my partner over the weekend and we might be over now. I was very upset yesterday. Got up this morning, saw the beautiful clear sky and sun and went for a lovely walk for an hour before work to get a coffee and a pastry and posted a picture of some lovely autumnal leaves on Instagram. Said friend posts a comment about being jealous of my life. Jealous? I literally walked to a coffee shop and bought a coffee, just like she could have done. I could have sat here all day sobbing in my pyjamas. I just chose not to stew and be miserable. I can't control what happens with my relationship. It might work out. It might not. I'm choosing to enjoy my day regardless and to see the beauty in the small things.

@Technosaurus

Pursue hobbies and interests; enjoy your work or if you don't, minimise the amount of time spent there; know and manage your outgoings so live comfortably within your means (don't confuse this with simply "being rich", it's not the same); maintain your valued friendships; deal with your adult family largely on your terms (and accept that death is an inevitable part of life so when those you love aren't there you are in some way "ready" for the upheaval); if you want kids, have them, if you don't want them, don't; make the effort with people who do the same for you; always have something to look forward to, big or small; try new things and when you like something, do it a bit more.

I'm a funeral celebrant who deals with hundreds of life stories every year and the happiest ones pretty much all follow that trend.

I love this - thanks! Very helpful to hear someone speaking from the experience of so many lives

I was always a worrier. I looked for the things that might go wrong in the future, fixated on them and spent all my time trying to find solutions or worrying about how I was going to manage when they went wrong. More often than not, these problems didn't arise and I'd been worrying for nothing.

My ds is 16 and doesn't have a care in the world. He doesn't think about what might happen and lives purely in the moment. He obviously has teenage meltdowns and things to deal with but they are by that point real. No wasted time worrying about things that MIGHT happen. I now try and be like him. It's a much better way to live my life and I feel immeasurably better for it.

Gratitude for what you have
Don't compare or be judgemental
Surround yourself with other happy people
Take joy in simple things

Hobbies, friends, plans in the diary.

Being the right amount of busy, enough to feel fulfilled and purposeful but not a constant overwhelm.

I firmly believe that, barring MH/health problems or abusive partners, you choose to be happy and positive. It's a muscle, the more you exercise it the stronger it gets.
I can choose to start my day in a good mood which puts everyone else in a good mood or I can be cross and dissatisfied. Which makes my day, and the day of those around me, shit.
Several of My colleagues are always cross, moaning and dissatisfied. It makes them unpleasant to be around, doesn't make their day go any faster anf means they live their life in misery. They could choose to just ignore the things they moan about every day but they don't, they choose to wallow in annoyance and complaint. They choose to see the bad. I try to see the positives in every situation, as my Mum would say "be a Polyanna"

This explains it well scottcdunn.medium.com/happiness-is-a-verb-53a871497864

We have a great aunt now in her early 90ties and dying of heart failiure in a care home. She has lost her DH after 60 years, knew illness, pain, hardship - but it is an uplifting pleasure to talk to her. She enjoys life and is happy in herself.
It seems that she:
has a strong faith (so hope for an afterlife)
takes pleasure in the simple things
takes nothing including herself and her illness more seriously than neccessary
knows her limits and abilities
once told me that one way to be happy is to stop moaning

Enjoying your own company/the simple things, with the aid of extensive therapy and medication. I strongly recommend evidence-based treatment. If one thing doesn't work as much as you would want, go back and try something else. There are loads of things they can try.

Having a break from Mumsnet. And social media in general. It really helps me, anyway.

Appreciate the positives in your life, including things that are ‘basic’:

• health (appreciate your body, nourish yourself)
• love (family, friends, pets, passions)
• some security (money/employment/somewhere to call home)

…for me if the above are mostly ok I’m doing alright. What level you take each element to is personal choice! Xo

some people are genetically at higher risk of depression etc. Meds and therapy can help them massively.

Boundaries (I can get very absorbed in stories of child cruelty, abuse etc. and it overtakes me) and am still working on these boundaries.
Having gone through hard times myself gives me an appreciation of how fortunate I am now.
Mental balance helped me choose a partner late in life who has all the attributes I consider important in a life partner and avoid all the drama of earlier relationships.
My greatest fear was always dying before my children reached adulthood and handing them a lifetime of issues to work through, abandonment etc. They are adults now so I've been lucky with that.
Accumulated wealth/career history has given me the confidence to walk away from any situation where people try to treat me in a way no-one should be treated. This is part of boundaries above but in relation to how people treat me rather than how much I allow myself to be affected.
I sound smug - believe me I'm not, I know it could all be taken away and life can change on a dime.

I know it sounds woo but I love being among trees and hills-makes me very happy. We moved to an area where we could access those places easily. Love the people you have in your life-if you can’t do that, disengage. Be grateful for small things. Appreciate what you have and don’t think about what other people have got.Don’t do things which would make you breach your moral code. And having enough money to pay the bills without worrying. I grew up in poverty and saw how it ground the adults down. Honestly, it is down to luck sometimes.

When I'm not having a bad bout of depression I love life.

I stay off Facebook, I've ditched weighing scales, I keep away from things that are designed to make me hate myself so much I'll spend money trying to "fix it".

I don't look for long term happiness as the main goal. I look for short term happinesses.

What can I do for me tonight? What can I do for me this week? What can I look forward to this year?

I also have a: what's in it for me, mindset.

It sounds selfish, and of course I'll do acts of selflessness. But when someone asks me for a commitment, I want to know what I'm going to get out of it. Will it be satisfactory to do it? My time is worth happiness and I deserve to be happy for doing things for others. If it's just going to cause more stress then I don't do it. Not my circus not my monkeys.

I listen to music that lifts me up.

I do silly things, and indulge my inner child.

It's taken a long time to get here, and a lot of therapy.

And some days weeks and months it's bleak but I don't always feel like life is dull. I love life.

I want my final form to be a bubbly old woman who knows every one and is always laughing. That's how I want people to remember me.

Lovely thread. I am very grateful for healthy adult children who are self sufficient. A husband who I love, and he loves me (and shows it) We live according to our means and are fortunate to be able to pay our bills etc. We are tight in some respects but generous in others, ie support local businesses, charities and always tip.
I work as a part time carer which gives me so much joy. I meet lovely people every day and I feel I'm making a contribution to society.
Our home is modest and quite minimalist. We are very content and forget to book holidays because we're happy pottering about either at home or with the dog, or close family and friends.
We have a very privileged life with good health and no major worries.
I love to read and follow current affairs but don't get caught up in what I can do nothing about, though I try to help where I can. At 58 I've embarked on a new study course.
I have learned to stay off social media, apart from MN because I enjoy reading other people's point of view (am quick to hide threads that irritate me!)
I guess I am very happy being contented

What an excellent question, its given me food for thought this morning.

I think 'knowing' that your DESERVE happiness is a key point. This is linked to self worth and self esteem.

To have flexible thinking - being able to think and believe what they are grateful for.

Not having rigid thinking or the need for power and control to feel safe. Not to have strict routines.

To understand that all emotions are an opportunity to learn about yourself.

Good, positive relationships. Helping others, work.

The people I know that are genuinely happy live life on their own terms, don’t worry about what other people have or waste time feeling jealous or resentful. They don’t expect anyone else to make them happy, they make their own plans and goals, don’t worry about what other people think, don’t maintain unhealthy relationships out of a sense of obligation or duty, and recognise how fragile life is so can genuinely value and appreciate what they do have while they have it.

Live in the moment, don't overthink things and have an outline of what you want your life to be like and go for it

@BlackeyedSusan

Be grateful for what you have.

Don't compare yourself to those better off, look how much more you have than others

Eat a good variety of veg. Supposedly your gut health effects your mood.

Fresh air and getting in nature with trees apparently too. (Was only half listening to the radio)

Don't be in a shit relationship.

Religion works for some. If your value lies in your relationship to/with God every day worries are easier to cope with and, I have found, the really big ones too. You get community with it which is an added benefit.

Agree with all of this

Why do people DESERVE happiness BloodyAlarms?
Obviously, I'm a grouchy old so-and-so, but it's a genuine question.

It's impossible for an intelligent and emotionally aware person to be truly happy with life. You can be a good person or a happy person, but not both

This isn't true, and I feel really sorry for anybody who thinks it is. Emotional awareness and intelligence increase the degree to which a person can maintain their personal boundaries, and develop self respect, both of which are key ingredients for happiness.

My life used to be absolutely awful. I was in an abusive relationship, living in poverty, and eventually became homeless. I had nothing and no one.

Thankfully that was a long time ago, and I now have a very happy life with a lovely DH and lovely children.

Experiences like that stay with you. When I receive an electricity bill that's so unexpectedly expensive that I will have to cut back on the food shopping and cancel some plans, or when I find out I didn't get that promotion I interviewed for, I do feel sad in the moment, but then I remember how fucking horrible it is to be beaten by your boyfriend and have to sleep outside in a piss soaked alleyway on a rainy November night in Newcastle, and suddenly all I can think of is how wonderful it is to have a loving family and a warm bed.

@MrsFoxyplease

The people I know who love and enjoy life are not overthinkers. They enjoy the superficial and don't look to the future too much. Don't look to deeply into their relationships with people. More a 'live for the moment' mantra.

I am not one of these people.
I would love to be.

The most miserable people Iknow enjoy the superficial and don't look deeply int their relationship with people. They tend to spend a long time looking at themselves instead.

Since I know only 3 or 4 persons who 'seem to' to fit the category, not sure my generalisation is very relevant. The only person I knew intimately who was genuinely happy was my father. He had a horrible childhood and was always making and active effort to catch up in life.
He was incredibly poor, working alone in mountains in the north of Spain since he was 5 (looking after cattle and terrified of wolfes and snakes). He made some money migrating and doing very tough jobs.

Once he had any space for happiness he was just the soul of our lives 24/7. Made eveyone around him happy. He died suddenly and young when he was 49 and I was early twenties. He did not fit a single sentence of this description or may others in this threads.

Happiness is just inside us and therefore individual to each of us if we want to pursue it.