People who really love and enjoy life, what's the secret?

[zorrow]

Have been going through what I think is an existential crisis for quite some time and just wondered, what is it that makes some people love their life so much? Is it their mindset? Is it money? Is it relationships?

@Technosaurus

Pursue hobbies and interests; enjoy your work or if you don't, minimise the amount of time spent there; know and manage your outgoings so live comfortably within your means (don't confuse this with simply "being rich", it's not the same); maintain your valued friendships; deal with your adult family largely on your terms (and accept that death is an inevitable part of life so when those you love aren't there you are in some way "ready" for the upheaval); if you want kids, have them, if you don't want them, don't; make the effort with people who do the same for you; always have something to look forward to, big or small; try new things and when you like something, do it a bit more.

I'm a funeral celebrant who deals with hundreds of life stories every year and the happiest ones pretty much all follow that trend.

Good answer Technosaurus

@UserThenLotsOfNumbers

I often wonder about this too. I agree with what PPs have said.

My granddad was a prisoner of war of the Japanese during World War Two. He experienced many horrific and traumatic things as you can imagine, all during his early twenties. He was deeply traumatised by his experiences and the POWs were all told after the war to keep quiet about their experiences and not express their feelings (I have seen an actual government leaflet given to them saying this). Sadly as a result of their experiences, many ended their own lives or developed substance abuse problems.

However, if you'd have met my granddad, you'd have seen a man who was always happy and smiling and friends with everyone. Always encouraging people to sing and dance and making them laugh. There was no real hint in public of his suffering, although I'm sure he suffered privately.

In his case, I believe despite everything he CHOSE to be happy. He chose to uplift himself and others. I'm not saying this was easy or he was some perfect person, but it was a choice and he made it.

That’s lovely, thanks for sharing

Lots of good advice

Similar to what others have said really, I feel very lucky for what I have in life and the country I live in. I notice friends always wanting for more, always moaning about the UK, the weather, politics etc. They think they'll be happier living elsewhere, having a better house etc but I am so grateful for what I have. I'm not rich but don't have debt or money issues which helps and I have an interesting job too.

Also, although I really wish I had children and overall they bring happiness. On a day to day basis, I think I'm probably happier without them. I dont feel stuck in the daily grind of life. I have time for myself and my husband and I have the freedom to do what we want.

Stop caring what others think is the main one.

A lot of the time the only reason we don’t do something (or feel obliged to do it) is because we fear disapproval. So if I want to do or not do something I reflect on what will actually happen if I follow my desires. Usually the answer is “nothing”. So I do what I want as much as possible provided it doesn’t hurt anyone. I have learned to accept possible disapproval and move on.

Another tip is to be generous without being a doormat but expect nothing material in return. It’s cheesy but helping others will make you happy.

More tips-exercise and nature. Clichés but true.
Try to be honest with people where possible and lose the fear of causing offence
Let things go - stop trying to control other people.
Stop micro managing your husband/kids. Let them make their own mistakes

My life has been so much happier since I’ve been ill. It sounds bonkers & I really struggled in the beginning, but I now appreciate all the little things so much more. Like walking the dog & making my children their packed lunch. I’m aware now that it’s an important part of the day for them & ive managed to get up and feed them - which can be an achievement some days.
I’m a single parent & I have loved every moment of it. I no longer feel guilty, because I know how blessed I am to still be alive rn, have another day with my children and create more happy memories.
Staying away from all news channels and msm also REALLY helps. Exist in the present & don’t worry about the future or the past.

@MatildaIThink

Don't compare your life to others and being happy with what you have, partner, children, possessions etc. That is why social media can be so toxic, someone is always doing something fun, someone is always posting some carefully curated picture or story.

Yes kids can be tiring, cleaning up sick for the fifth time in a day is never fun, having to get out of bed early almost every day, but then the little ball of love comes over, says "Mummy I love you", gives you a huge hug and it feels worth it. Cherish the little things, don't chase the big things.

Who said OP has kids? And what if she doesn't/cannot have them are you implying this is the only thing that makes life fulfilling.

Lovely for those struggling with fertility

Gratitude. Pure & simple

I am just grateful. Some days are tough, today is one of those days. I’ve gone through horrific unexpected grief twice in my life and have a diagnosed panic disorder as a result. But I’m happy because I appreciate the people in my life, hugs from my puppy, a hot cup of coffee, the breeze etc. I don’t take anything for granted so every day is worth it.

I’d also agree with those who said to stay out of drama. I never have drama, you control that.

My children, and wine.

Stop worrying about what you should be or have to be and be who you want to be.
Take pleasure in the little things, a sunset or you kids smile or a walk in the park.
Don’t compare.
Don’t compete.
Be kind.
Do things that make you smile.
Don’t feel guilty.
Say no.
Drink wine.
Sing and dance.
Be you and don’t apologise for it ( not often anyway)

And personal to me is the fact my dad took his own life when I was in my teens and it was bloody hard. Since then I promised I would not let him down and be thankful for the sacrifices he made to give me a good life and I’d make him proud.

Mindset.

This has been the worst 2years of my life (obvs covid and lockdowns but also having covid twice, massive relationship issues with my family that nearly destroyed me mentally, the death of my MIL, H having a breakdown and some not serious but painful injuries that stopped me exercising which was my only stress release, along with usual day to day stress) and I realised about 6 months ago that I don't want to feel sad or feel like a victim any more.

It has been one stress after another.

So I read Derren Brown's "Happy" and use the Fabulous app and learnt about stoicism.

I am much, much happier now I no longer view life as a struggle or paint myself as a victim. I talk more positively whenever I can.

I listen to a happy playlist on Spotify.

I try to live in the moment more and do the tasks I need to, and i try not to spend time in the past or worrying about the future.

I know I haven't had a hard life. I haven't had to deal with great sadness or pain. But my resilience was at zero and a life of negativity was weighing heavily on me.

I also know that I can achieve things once I get out of my own way.

Changing my mindset has genuinely made me happier. It took a few months. I slip now and again (covid a fortnight ago was hard).

But I am choosing no to feel sad. I am choosing not to feel like a victim. I am choosing to feel happier.

@ParishSpinster

Mindset.

This has been the worst 2years of my life (obvs covid and lockdowns but also having covid twice, massive relationship issues with my family that nearly destroyed me mentally, the death of my MIL, H having a breakdown and some not serious but painful injuries that stopped me exercising which was my only stress release, along with usual day to day stress) and I realised about 6 months ago that I don't want to feel sad or feel like a victim any more.

It has been one stress after another.

So I read Derren Brown's "Happy" and use the Fabulous app and learnt about stoicism.

I am much, much happier now I no longer view life as a struggle or paint myself as a victim. I talk more positively whenever I can.

I listen to a happy playlist on Spotify.

I try to live in the moment more and do the tasks I need to, and i try not to spend time in the past or worrying about the future.

I know I haven't had a hard life. I haven't had to deal with great sadness or pain. But my resilience was at zero and a life of negativity was weighing heavily on me.

I also know that I can achieve things once I get out of my own way.

Changing my mindset has genuinely made me happier. It took a few months. I slip now and again (covid a fortnight ago was hard).

But I am choosing no to feel sad. I am choosing not to feel like a victim. I am choosing to feel happier.

How brilliant! Well done you!

Personally I think your childhood & background plays a huge part in your disposition as an adult.

Over the years with friends & colleagues have always found that regardless of someone's financial situation, people who came from loving, caring homes & have supportive families seem to be able to take life's stresses and strains much more. Could be totally wrong, but this is definitely something i've noticed.

Not having a dickhead as a husband would certainly help ! But I seriously believe he is autistic, somewhere on the spectrum. Either that or he is extremely unkind.

However, having three adult daughters in their 30s, three lovely sons in law, being a hands on Nana to 6 wonderful grandchildren ( one is only 4 weeks old!) and having creative hobbies help a lot. Just wish I had more time for the hobbies
My happiest times are when on holiday together, all 14 of us. I pay for these holidays in holiday homes but it is money well spent. And days out together are lovely.

I think, for me, this is when money can buy happiness.
Sadly, Covid has cancelled, postponed these over the last 20 months but now at last we are hopeful for a Polar Express trip on a tram this coming Sunday and then a self catering holiday all together over the New Year!

A mixture of luck and personality.

@ThePlantsitter

I think they probably avoid Mumsnet and other social media tbh.

This is true. Every time I come on I feel depressed at the opinions and behaviour of other people. Particularly towards animals.

The right partner. A job I enjoy. The main worry we have is money but because everything else is lovely (relationship, baby, family, friends) it doesn't seem horrible just an obstacle we will both eventually overcome. And by money worry I mean the usual millennial couple can't get on the property ladder, sky high private rent, low paying nursing job.

wine

Therapy .

I had an absolutely horrendous childhood and I remember looking in the mirror aged 14 and telling myself that I would from now on be in charge of my own destiny and happiness.

I think from then onwards I had a drive that came from nowhere, and it was unhealthy looking back. I drove myself incredibly hard and set ridiculous standards, I had a lot of very unhappy years trying to sort my own therapy from sources that probably aren't recommended. Working ridiculously hard, spending time at weekends trying to perfect skills like cooking, gardening, doing up houses, mostly in the absence of relationships throughout my teens and 20's.

But now at 40+ I've laid off the gas and am very happily married, my career is very satisfying and we're lucky enough to have no money worries.

I've lost count of the number of times I've wished I'd been more care free in my earlier years and didn't feel so unsupported by family and those around me who should have been nurturing me and helping me feel loved.

The key here is that I'm very happy now but it took me the best part of 30 years to finally find who I was and get to happy so I don't think it's something that some people are lucky enough to have from birth to death unfortunately

The details of this will be different for everyone but it’s finding out who you are,what is important to you then living authentically for that. It’s important that these answers are about you and aren’t confused for societal, family or other external internalised expectations.

For some it might be superficial things for others it might be deep thinking. But it’s living for you, realising it’s about balanced contentment rather than swinging extremes of emotions.

@GinPin2

Not having a dickhead as a husband would certainly help ! But I seriously believe he is autistic, somewhere on the spectrum. Either that or he is extremely unkind.

However, having three adult daughters in their 30s, three lovely sons in law, being a hands on Nana to 6 wonderful grandchildren ( one is only 4 weeks old!) and having creative hobbies help a lot. Just wish I had more time for the hobbies
My happiest times are when on holiday together, all 14 of us. I pay for these holidays in holiday homes but it is money well spent. And days out together are lovely.

I think, for me, this is when money can buy happiness.
Sadly, Covid has cancelled, postponed these over the last 20 months but now at last we are hopeful for a Polar Express trip on a tram this coming Sunday and then a self catering holiday all together over the New Year!

GinPin2 - Sorry to go off topic, but I can relate totally. Not my husband, but my Dad, undoubtedly has undiagnosed Autistic Spectrum.

Could any other members of his family also be AS? as these things often have a genetic link. My Dad, brother, cousin and uncle are all on the spectrum and I sympathise hugely but life can be very difficult when you are one of the only neurotypical person in your family!

Gratitude. Accepting the things l cannot change and changing the things l can .