How to make Christmas special again?

[Xmascandoone]

Please help restore my love of Christmas. I used to really enjoy the planning, making cards and little presents, decorating, getting together with friends and family etc

However, over the last 15 years, life has not been kind. My DH and I have not been able to have children despite many years of fertility treatment. Our last hope was adoption but this was refused after months and months of the application process, in part due to historical sexual abuse in DH’s extended family.

As a result, we’ll never have the family Christmas that I thought was on the cards. I have never been able to host Christmas in my own home as my siblings won’t travel to me - they live abroad and have pets and young children which means that, quite understandably, they want to stay put at Christmas. My parents died many years ago. DH is NC with his family so we don’t see them.

We could travel to my siblings for Christmas but to be honest it gets a bit depressing to always be the guest at someone else’s table - sleeping in fold-out beds and fitting in with everyone else’s plans and traditions, not to mention the huge amount of travel involved.

For a few years we tried to book ourselves a special holiday over Christmas but it didn’t distract us from the empty feeling, and I missed the traditions of Christmas at home. We can’t afford to do that this year anyway.
We’ve had a couple of Christmas days with friends, but again, it feels as though we’re just add-ons, and watching them with their children can be really hard.

How do we make ChrIstmas special again? At the moment, we have nothing planned. DH just shrugs when I ask him what we should do. I have boxes full of beautiful Christmas decorations and tableware and I can’t be bothered to put them up or plan anything. We’ll end up sitting around eating too much and watching tv on our own and it will be just like every other day.
I don’t know how to make it mean something again. All it does now is exacerbate the sadness of our childlessness.

Sorry this is so full of self pity. Please be kind. And, this may make me sound horrible, but I don’t want to volunteer at a soup kitchen for the day. I want to be selfish and have a lovely day with my DH. I know that other people’s lives are not like a John Lewis Christmas ad either, but the distance between what I pictured for myself and the reality is hard to bear.
I don’t really know why I’m posting. Just hoping someone has some ideas about what to do to get through this period.

Have you thought of volunteering on Xmas day instead ?

Really sorry to hear your story. The adoption process is tough, sorry you didn't get to the end of it.

We were approved adopters, but then our placement broke down after two months.

Things like this do make Christmas doubly hard.

Op, I’m sorry to hear you’ve had a rubbish time.
Try to make your own traditions with your partner. What about booking a gorgeous restaurant for christmas dinner?
Or a beautiful hotel for Christmas Eve, with a lovely walk christmas morning and a meal in a country pub? Or a hotel, then a day in bed, loads of christmas munchies, bottle of champagne, christmas movies on tv?

I don’t want to sound horrible, but no, I don’t want to spend my Christmas days doing good work for other people. It feels as though because I can’t have children I’m not allowed to have my own Christmas and I’m only allowed to facilitate other people’s.

I’d go abroad every year.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry, you sound very much like you are grieving for your lost future and I hope you can find some peace.

As for the day itself, I would suggest still use the lovely Christmas things you have, plan your most favourite meals, have bucks fizz for breakfast and maybe a long walk.

And maybe spend the evening planning a holiday or looking forward to the things you want you do together as a couple. I hope this doesn't sound insensitive and that you have a wonderful day.

We just said 'fxx it' the first Christmas, and didn't have turkey or anything.

Strangely liberating in a way.

The sky did not fall in..

Feel for you though..

You're posting because you feel incredibly sad & want to reach out to people. I think that's a really healthy thing to do. Don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. That's a lot to be thinking about. Christmas can change so much, through life, can't it? Reflecting life back at you. Volunteering can be a wonderful thing to do & I bet could really help.

But it's not right for everyone

Sorry to hear you’ve had such a hard time. I definitely don’t think you should be volunteering at Christmas! I was going to suggest a glamorous holiday somewhere with sunshine, or else a couple of days in a lovely pub somewhere beautiful where you won’t have to lift a finger.

OP has said twice that she doesn't want to volunteer. Not sure why people are still suggesting it. I'd also go for a luxurious holiday in the sun or maybe some kind of hotel where they make their own traditions if you know what I mean. I'm sorry though, it's such a shitty time of year

GoodnightGrandma
Have you thought of volunteering on Xmas day instead?

Good grief, OP, has already said she doesn’t want to do that
@Xmascandoone I’m sorry the adoption process fell through for you, that must be really tough. How about doing something with friends on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day, going to a carol concert in the lead-up, treating yourselves to a couple of nights away in a hotel on the in between bit if possible and then on the day itself, buying in all your favourite foods, morning parkrun if that’s your thing and then lots of yummy food and drink, cocktails etc.
I hope you have a lovely day when it comes

@mynameiscalypso

OP has said twice that she doesn't want to volunteer. Not sure why people are still suggesting it. I'd also go for a luxurious holiday in the sun or maybe some kind of hotel where they make their own traditions if you know what I mean. I'm sorry though, it's such a shitty time of year

Because not all of us type as fast as replies come through

Stop suggesting volunteering fgs! She said no. Why do the childless/childfree need to be mother bloody Theresa at Christmas?!

OP I have no suggestions, I was in the same boat for so many years, and it is utterly shit. Take care

Do something physical like a hike in the countryside or a coastal walk - I always find that this perks me up even if I have to force myself to go. Have a dinner pre prepped ready to pop in the oven afterwards when you'll be windswept and welcome a drink and feet up in front of a film. If you don't fancy the outdoors perhaps there is an epic (new) game you might both like that you could buy and immerse yourself in together .

Because not all of us type as fast as replies come through

It’s in the OP!

I'd get out the beautiful Christmas decorations and use them.
And the same with the Christmas tableware.
We also don't have children, and never will, due to infertile, and it took years to come to terms with it.

But now I focus on making my own life as lovely as I can, including using all the things that I bought in anticipation of the family that never happened.

Your post was painful to read, I can't imagine anyone feeling anything other than a huge amount of sympathy for you. How horribly unfair that your DH's difficult life is a reason to punish you both now. It's hardly as if child abuse is rare, there must be loads and loads of adoptive parents who have this (secretly) in their own past or in their families. Those decisions just give people another reason to be frightened into hushing up their own experiences of abuse.

But anyway. The point of your post was how to make Christmas special. I'd do something you can't feasibly do with kids.

I'd escape.

I think I'd book a holiday somewhere snowy, and learn to ski properly. Maybe a group holiday, in one of those ludicrously expensive catered chalets, or in a good hotel in a resort, the hotel would have a heated swimming pool outdoors, and a spa, and there would an amazing restaurant serving fondue or goulash soup. I'd book a sleigh ride on Christmas Eve and find a local church to attend on Christmas day, even if the whole service was in German. I'd drink gluhwein until I was pickled in it and even my sweat was scented with cinnamon. And I'd thank my stars for one or two days I had NO kids because it is really tough going skiing with kids.

And the following year I'd go to Vienna and do the Christmas markets and eat cake and coffee, and attend a concert.

And the next year, St Petersburg, to watch the ballet and drift through art galleries.

Then, Reykjavik. New York. Every year a different place.

You’ve answered your own question: yiu want to spend it with DH in your own home treating yourself.

That sounds wonderful.

You need to put a list together of what you would enjoy: luxury food, Christmas movies and games.

You and dH need a brain storming session to decide what treats you want and make it a completely self indulgent day as a couple.

I’m sorry @Xmascandoone. I’m not even in a situation like yours but definitely lost my Xmas mojo after some really shit times and it’s never really come back.

Just a thought, have you thought about going on holiday over Christmas? Just thinking along the lines of a change of scenery and pace, trying new things and making Xmas something completely different than the usual old trope.

@SapatSea

Do something physical like a hike in the countryside or a coastal walk - I always find that this perks me up even if I have to force myself to go. Have a dinner pre prepped ready to pop in the oven afterwards when you'll be windswept and welcome a drink and feet up in front of a film. If you don't fancy the outdoors perhaps there is an epic (new) game you might both like that you could buy and immerse yourself in together .

I second this. Buy and wrap presents for each other, play games. It’s only one day, as hard as it may be. Are there like minded friends you could get together with ?

Can you start planning your own 'grown up' traditions?

Is there a lovely old house you could visit? ( We went to Hampton Court one year, for example) Where you can take part in something old and traditional but not as expensive as a holiday?

Do lots of Christmas markets and get drunk on mulled wine together?

Go to a church service (lovely whether or not you believe).

I guess I'm suggesting taking part in more traditional and community events together so that when xmas day comes around you are ready to relax and be at home together and enjoy a lovely indulgent day with food and drinks you both love.

Typical Mumsnet, OP "I don't want to volunteer in a soup kitchen"
First response "Have you thought of volunteering?"
your post is so sad xmascandoone I really feel for you.
I know you said you can't afford a holiday, could you afford a luxury UK Christmas break in a fabulous hotel and be completely spoiled for a couple of days?

Go to a lovely hotel with log fires and fuck loads of champagne. Get a huge bath in the room and soak in it together. Read books, take hikes and eat chocolate.