How to make Christmas special again?

[Xmascandoone]

Please help restore my love of Christmas. I used to really enjoy the planning, making cards and little presents, decorating, getting together with friends and family etc

However, over the last 15 years, life has not been kind. My DH and I have not been able to have children despite many years of fertility treatment. Our last hope was adoption but this was refused after months and months of the application process, in part due to historical sexual abuse in DH’s extended family.

As a result, we’ll never have the family Christmas that I thought was on the cards. I have never been able to host Christmas in my own home as my siblings won’t travel to me - they live abroad and have pets and young children which means that, quite understandably, they want to stay put at Christmas. My parents died many years ago. DH is NC with his family so we don’t see them.

We could travel to my siblings for Christmas but to be honest it gets a bit depressing to always be the guest at someone else’s table - sleeping in fold-out beds and fitting in with everyone else’s plans and traditions, not to mention the huge amount of travel involved.

For a few years we tried to book ourselves a special holiday over Christmas but it didn’t distract us from the empty feeling, and I missed the traditions of Christmas at home. We can’t afford to do that this year anyway.
We’ve had a couple of Christmas days with friends, but again, it feels as though we’re just add-ons, and watching them with their children can be really hard.

How do we make ChrIstmas special again? At the moment, we have nothing planned. DH just shrugs when I ask him what we should do. I have boxes full of beautiful Christmas decorations and tableware and I can’t be bothered to put them up or plan anything. We’ll end up sitting around eating too much and watching tv on our own and it will be just like every other day.
I don’t know how to make it mean something again. All it does now is exacerbate the sadness of our childlessness.

Sorry this is so full of self pity. Please be kind. And, this may make me sound horrible, but I don’t want to volunteer at a soup kitchen for the day. I want to be selfish and have a lovely day with my DH. I know that other people’s lives are not like a John Lewis Christmas ad either, but the distance between what I pictured for myself and the reality is hard to bear.
I don’t really know why I’m posting. Just hoping someone has some ideas about what to do to get through this period.

I just want to say that DH is not shrugging it off. He’s so sad as well. His shrug is full of woe, rather than disinterest. We’re both equally at a loss.

@Xmascandoone

I don’t want to sound horrible, but no, I don’t want to spend my Christmas days doing good work for other people. It feels as though because I can’t have children I’m not allowed to have my own Christmas and I’m only allowed to facilitate other people’s.

I understand this completely.🌷🌷🌷

And I wish that the person who made the very first comment had read your OP properly!

I’ll read the thread later and when I have time to consider it properly I’ll be able to make some suggestions, one or two of which might help. But I just wanted to say that I heard you.

Some seaside resorts do a fancy dress, charity swim in the sea. You can just get wet up to your knees. It's a great family atmosphere on Christmas morning. You can just go & watch if you don't want to swim & donate while you are there, normally a few people with buckets

I have no words of wisdom but I do wish you and your DH a beautiful Christmas whatever you decide to do.

@GoodnightGrandma

Have you thought of volunteering on Xmas day instead ?

Oh fgs!! Read the op!

OP, your post is sad. I recommend buying and reading the Christmas chronicles by nigel slater. He's a snob, no doubt, but the recipes are lovely and he has no children so it's all about making Christmas beautiful. Of course you should put all your decorations up and use your lovely tableware.

@CounsellorTroi

Go away away to a delightful isolated log cabin and get pissed for 3 days on expensive alcohol.

DH and I did this for New Year once - booked a cottage with a hot tub. Had a fab time.

This is my dream Xmas.

Me and my partner (kids with grandparents) isolated for 3 days.

I'd take all my nice underwear, and wear it all (for 10 mins!).

I'd go on a longish walk each day. Spend the rest of the day in bed!

Id exist off cocktails and expensive nibbles. All day. No heavy turkey or bread sauce thanks! Maybe a smoked salmon baguel with champagne for brekkie.

Phone off work emails off. Watch films that we never actually watch. Read a good book.

Bliss!!!

I’m so sorry that both you and your DH are both so sad. Have you thought of being foster parents, I know that in the part of the country I live they are desperate for foster parents, especially for older children.

I’m sorry OP it’s really really shit.

I longed for children and family Christmases for many many years too; with some very painful life events making for some very sad Christmases- for a long time I was single too and I also lost my mum at Christmas - so whilst my story has a different ending I do have nothing but empathy for the pain in your post.

For me I did have siblings and nieces and nephews closer by who with much love did bring me into their Christmas traditions and, whilst it was a little bit like being a guest at someone’s table as you say, it was enough for me to enjoy the day. The other thing that made a huge difference to me was my dog -
I know that’s a tired old cliche and absolutely not for everyone but for some people - me included - animals can be a real comfort.

I have some friends who have no children who have the most wonderful Christmases
every year - it’s the pinnacle of their year and they very definitely spend from the evening of the 24th until the day after Boxing Day just the two of them (yes plus dog) and never deviate. They plan their menu ages in advance - researching and weighing up lots of different options and trying to refine the absolute perfect menu (they are both real foodies and great cooks), plus coming up with wine pairings and different cocktails. It’s a bit of a standing joke that we look forward to hearing what they’ve settled on each year and drooling in envy. They go really luxurious and decadent and choose beautiful decorations, tableware, glasses etc.

Another friend who didn’t have her children with her one year booked a beach hut with another friend (but obviously would work in a couple) and took an amazing picnic and a load of champagne.

Personally I always like the idea of a walk by the sea with a flask of hot chocolate - maybe a tot of something in it for the non driver. Or other beautiful location if no nearby coast. If you have any nice friendly pubs nearby with a community feel it might be nice to call in? Could you book a concert or show for Christmas Eve, or dinner in a fabulous restaurant if that’s more your thing.

For me books were/are also a big thing - I like to pick seasonal reads through December and there’s something quite special about reading by the light of the tree on Christmas Eve night.

If money allows I would book a little cottage by the sea or the highlands. I would load up the car with lots of good things and some of your favourite decorations and buy a real tree when you get there.
Somewhere within a walk of a good pub or a few shops to potter too.
I would make sure it has decent internet so you can watch some good films, take games and maybe cook together while knocking back some good fizz.
Music on fire lit and just enjoy your surroundings. It can be low key and still special for you both.

I'm so sorry OP for your sadness, it is justified and I truly hope that one way or another you find a way to have a lovely Christmas this year.

I was going to suggest the same things as other posters of nice Christmas activities couples might enjoy but as you've already said that's not worked in the past I'm going to suggest some other things.

How about you use Christmas to celebrate your marriage and the love you have for one another.

Fill an advent calendar with happy memories or things that appreciate about one another.

Cook together whilst listening to a plsylist of your favourite songs

Think about what your favourite activities or hobbies are and maybe base the afternoon around them.

Go for a walk together

Get dressed up and go out for drinks on Christmas eve.

Buy each other books and exchange them on Christmas eve

We both really like the idea of having an open house on Christmas Eve of Boxing Day, but when we’ve tried to similar things in the past we’ve found that most of our friends who don’t have children have gone to stay with their families, and those with children seem to be too busy. It doesn’t help that we’re a bit off the beaten track, so people can’t just pop round when they’re nearby.
Everyone is so busy at Christmas with their families.

I think that perhaps @CanIPleaseHaveOne has it in a nutshell - we will be sad, but need to try to manufacture some small moments of festive joy in amongst the sadness.

@Xmascandoone

We both really like the idea of having an open house on Christmas Eve of Boxing Day, but when we’ve tried to similar things in the past we’ve found that most of our friends who don’t have children have gone to stay with their families, and those with children seem to be too busy. It doesn’t help that we’re a bit off the beaten track, so people can’t just pop round when they’re nearby. Everyone is so busy at Christmas with their families.

I think that perhaps @CanIPleaseHaveOne has it in a nutshell - we will be sad, but need to try to manufacture some small moments of festive joy in amongst the sadness.

Fake it till you make it op.

OP - everyone on this thread is rooting for you and dh, and will surely be thinking of you on Christmas Day.

Who would have thunk it? [christmas tree]

Ah op, I really feel for you. I think the worst of it is that you don’t have your parents either. I don’t want to minimise, and I know you may not accept this, but Christmas with children can be difficult for many. You have a lot more than others, you’re in a loving relationship for one.

Can you eat out for Christmas? I definitely think you need your decorations out. Christmas is for everybody.

I’m not sure what career path you have taken but could you teach or be a TA to get the lovely Christmas run up activities that they do in schools? Particularly primaries. Do you have a dog?

You could also begin to make lovely Christmas traditions at home such as going to a wreath making class, Christmas markets or foraging. Just some ideas.

I hope Christmas surprises you and is pleasant for you both this year, you really deserve it.

In your position, I would forget about a traditional Christmas and get away from it all by booking a fabulous holiday somewhere warm & sunny, where Christmas isn’t a big thing. How about Morocco?

@zoemum2006

You’ve answered your own question: yiu want to spend it with DH in your own home treating yourself.

That sounds wonderful.

You need to put a list together of what you would enjoy: luxury food, Christmas movies and games.

You and dH need a brain storming session to decide what treats you want and make it a completely self indulgent day as a couple.

@zoemum2006 is 100% right - you can plan and have a wonderful day, @Xmascandoone!

What is clear from this thread is that everyone with children is probably exhausted and therefore fantasising about running away to the highlands to live off cocktails and Waitrose canapés for the entire festive season.

There's this pervading view that Christmas is just for children - that's bollocks. It is for everyone and there really aren't any rules so you can spend it however you want.

I'd sit down together with a nice bottle of wine and think up some nice things to do. My husband and I still do this. Some of the things we've done include:

City break in Stockholm in early December
Christmas markets in Germany
Bath Christmas market
Having a few meals out in favourite pubs and restaurants
Planning a Christmas Day meal menu together and cooking it
Ditching the whole idea of a meal and buying a load of nibbles from Waitrose and M&S
Christmas Day walk through the city of London
Binge watching favourite films with popcorn and beer
Meeting up with friends for a Christmas meal
Ice skating
Decorating the tree and our house with really extravagant decorations.

Basically, it is a time for you both to treat yourself and do the things you want to do, but don't normally.

Enjoy!

And when you're childless, possibly single, and miserable at the thought of a lonely Christmas - being told to volunteer and work on what is probably one of the few days you have off is unkind.

So sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds incredibly hard.
I agree with PPs that you should eat/drink/watch whatever is your fave, sleep in, go for a walk somewhere peaceful and beautiful, plan lots of good things for next year, and perhaps arrange a fancy (grown up) festive party/dinner before or after Christmas, so you can enjoy all your lovely decorations. Make that your new tradition? We usually have family over when we put up our tree at the beginning of Dec instead of later in the month. Xx

I wondered if I could suggest a different thought from a slightly different perspective? Just as an idea, which might not be relevant to you.

I'm working with a psycholologist at the moment to try to sort out anxiety disorder, and one of the things I've figured out is that I had a couple of really difficult bereavements during my childhood, that still have a massive hold over me. I have a lovely full life, but I just struggle to be in-the-moment sometimes. It's just because of these difficult memories that really dominate my thinking, just because I never got over them during my childhood, when they happened.

Anyway, I have spent quite a long time talking to this lovely therapist about it. Now I've gradually reached a place where I can start to let go of the need for the people that I lost, and where I can concentrate a bit more on the life that I have now. I don't want to make that sound like an easy thing, because I completely know that it isn't, and certainly not in your situation.

It's quite a hard transition to make, and it took me a long time, but talking about it to a completely sympathetic and very patient listener is helping me to get there. Or at least is helping.

It really resonates with me that you feel the loss of your child so powerfully at Christmas.

I think we all feel it, from reading your opening post and I feel for you so much.

Looking at it a slightly different way again, I kind of wonder whether it might make sense to have a Christmas where you give yourself permission to be sad, and to fully feel that loss, because sometimes I think it's necessary to grieve.

The last few years, we’ve tried a new game (board or cards) every Christmas and spent part of the afternoon playing that, we’ve built up a nice collection with a few firm favourites. We stick on a Christmas film, have a little glass of something and play the current favourite.

I’d think of a few new traditions to try out then every year, see which ones you fancy doing again and add in new ones as you think of them.

Just a thought, but what if you tried moving Christmas? Pick a date in Jan or Feb (cold, miserable, everyone needs cheering up). Treat actual Christmas day just like another day. But on your New Christmas, invite friends (well in advance) then go all out, get the decorations up, cook the full shebang, play games, swap presents, drink, eat, and be merry. Some (childless) friends of mine used to do this every Feb, and it was amazing- people were guaranteed to be free, old friends got together, a great way to cheer up the dark, cold months and something to look forward to. If you must, spend actual Christmas planning it

Dear God, people have pointed out the volunteering issue but equally bad are all the 'I'd go on holiday' posters when OP has specifically said a) they've tried that multiple times and it's not what she wants and b) they can't afford it this year anyway.

FFs I sometimes wonder if my very unremarkable school was the only one in the whole UK that taught reading comprehension for about 13 sodding years!

OP your problem is that none of these suggestions or things you've tried previously are ever going to be ideal, because they are not what you want from Christmas. Until you accept that you're life is not going to be what you envisioned then everything anybody suggests is going to be a poor second best. I would honestly suggest that when you can afford it you try counselling. It's not a fast process, but that's the only way you will eventually be able to see whatever you choose to do in it's own right, rather than a back up option for what you really want (and if life was fair, because you sound like you'd be an amazing mum,) to be doing.

Other than that I can only suggest going for a lovely walk in nice surroundings in the morning, or possibly something like a fun run or christmas swim (even if you only watch and don't participate) to get enveloped in that christmas feeling of a big group of people together, all in good moods, often dressed up and wishing each other a happy christmas. Then maybe food at a pub that has a good atmosphere and will be full of all different people not just families. Maybe a midnight mass service even if you're not practicing - I find they make you think about things that are bigger than us, even if not religious. Honestly then I would have a nice few drinks on christmas eve, snuggle up by the TV and watch something funny. Don't feel obliged to speak to your siblings if you think it'll bring you down - say you'll ring them boxing day or whatever.

I would definitely decorate your house - it's not for families, it's for everyone living in the house. I always decorated mine even when I was living alone, as does my widowed gran etc. It's something nice to brighten up the house in december. And also do all the fun christmassy things around christmas - go to a carol service, christmas football, winter wonderland, ice skating, round the shops in london - whatever you like to do. It's not just one day, it's the whole season, and that season can mean anything you want it to, not just 'santa and children.'

I hope you have a lovely christmas xx

@Xmascandoone

What is clear from this thread is that everyone with children is probably exhausted and therefore fantasising about running away to the highlands to live off cocktails and Waitrose canapés for the entire festive season.

Yup! Not to downplay the very real pain you are feeling at what you’re missing, very few people are truly happy with their lot.