How to make Christmas special again?

[Xmascandoone]

Please help restore my love of Christmas. I used to really enjoy the planning, making cards and little presents, decorating, getting together with friends and family etc

However, over the last 15 years, life has not been kind. My DH and I have not been able to have children despite many years of fertility treatment. Our last hope was adoption but this was refused after months and months of the application process, in part due to historical sexual abuse in DH’s extended family.

As a result, we’ll never have the family Christmas that I thought was on the cards. I have never been able to host Christmas in my own home as my siblings won’t travel to me - they live abroad and have pets and young children which means that, quite understandably, they want to stay put at Christmas. My parents died many years ago. DH is NC with his family so we don’t see them.

We could travel to my siblings for Christmas but to be honest it gets a bit depressing to always be the guest at someone else’s table - sleeping in fold-out beds and fitting in with everyone else’s plans and traditions, not to mention the huge amount of travel involved.

For a few years we tried to book ourselves a special holiday over Christmas but it didn’t distract us from the empty feeling, and I missed the traditions of Christmas at home. We can’t afford to do that this year anyway.
We’ve had a couple of Christmas days with friends, but again, it feels as though we’re just add-ons, and watching them with their children can be really hard.

How do we make ChrIstmas special again? At the moment, we have nothing planned. DH just shrugs when I ask him what we should do. I have boxes full of beautiful Christmas decorations and tableware and I can’t be bothered to put them up or plan anything. We’ll end up sitting around eating too much and watching tv on our own and it will be just like every other day.
I don’t know how to make it mean something again. All it does now is exacerbate the sadness of our childlessness.

Sorry this is so full of self pity. Please be kind. And, this may make me sound horrible, but I don’t want to volunteer at a soup kitchen for the day. I want to be selfish and have a lovely day with my DH. I know that other people’s lives are not like a John Lewis Christmas ad either, but the distance between what I pictured for myself and the reality is hard to bear.
I don’t really know why I’m posting. Just hoping someone has some ideas about what to do to get through this period.

Do you like animals? I know of two couples who adore their furry babies. A puppy or a kitten?

I'm sorry op, life is so bloody unfair sometimes

I would try and make sure I was as busy as possible in the days leading up to Christmas, such as throwing a drinks and nibbles party, getting out for walks, going to Christmas events in your area etc so that by the time the day comes round you'll be ready for a relaxed day at home with loads of fabulous food, drinks, film, games. That way the day at home with DH will feel more like a welcome treat rather than something forced on you.
Maybe go to the beach for a walk on boxing day and take a flask of hot chocolate and some treats. Even if the beach is a couple of hours drive away, it's something nice to do.

Or maybe a walk and book into a lovely country pub on boxing day

I think you need to decide what constitutes a good day for you. If you're not religious and don't have kids to do the whole Santa thing for then what are the things you can indulge yourselves in? Last year was the first year I've spent Xmas without any of my family due to covid travel restrictions. In the absence of Xmas day parkrun I ran round my local park dressed as Santa as the sun came up (much to the bemusement of the local dog walkers), then spent the rest of the day with my "bubble" friend. We had a huge Xmas dinner, the weather turned vile so we lit the log burner, put our PJs on and ate a copious amount of cheese and wine and played board games. On Boxing Day we barely moved other than to heat up leftovers and refill wine glasses. It was bliss!! Outdoor things are always refreshing in the morning before settling down for good food and drink. Or if you live in a city it's a great time to explore it on foot while it's really quiet. I'm not religious but I do like a Xmas eve church service and a pub dinner.

One poster last week was full of love for her guinea pig (I have to admit finding that hard to understand as I have never being fond of rodents, but each to her to own!)

@Xmascandoone I think that it's ok to be a bit sad through Christmas. You don't need to have wall to wall fun and laughter. Just some good times be it an hour, an afternoon or a day

@Xmascandoone

We both really like the idea of having an open house on Christmas Eve of Boxing Day, but when we’ve tried to similar things in the past we’ve found that most of our friends who don’t have children have gone to stay with their families, and those with children seem to be too busy. It doesn’t help that we’re a bit off the beaten track, so people can’t just pop round when they’re nearby. Everyone is so busy at Christmas with their families.

I think that perhaps @CanIPleaseHaveOne has it in a nutshell - we will be sad, but need to try to manufacture some small moments of festive joy in amongst the sadness.

Yeah, it might be a bit too close to the day itself.

But a bit earlier or mid-Christmas/NY

I would do a proper hike (if the weather is terrible) drive for an hour or so and then a long walk (taking into account of the lack of daylight!). I'd love to climb a steep hill sing enjoy the view from the top and dong mind driving on Christmas Day as roads are clearer than normal.

Then home to champagne and a cheese board!

And not to diminish your sadness or sound competitive but I struggle at Christmas too albeit in different circumstances to you. I think this time of year magnifies your emotions and I’ve had many when I’ve plastered a smile on whilst wishing it was the new year already. Please know you are not alone in finding it a hard time of year xx

@TreaslakeandBack

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

It might be a terrible idea but child free friends throw a massive Christmas Eve open house. Decorations, tree, preparations, canapés, fizz. It’s 3pm until whenever, bring whoever. So lots of elderly relatives in chairs, excited children in finery rampaging around hyped up on sugar with balloons, adults chatting with canapés.
Christmas Day just the two of you, tidy up!, church service, walk then grown up dinner for two with your presents could be quite a relief after that!

She doesn't want to be around kids, understandably.

Also tidying up after a load of rampaging kids the next day

We both really like the idea of having an open house on Christmas Eve of Boxing Day, but when we’ve tried to similar things in the past we’ve found that most of our friends who don’t have children have gone to stay with their families, and those with children seem to be too busy. It doesn’t help that we’re a bit off the beaten track, so people can’t just pop round when they’re nearby.

I wouldn't be thinking open house/just pop in, or necessarily large gatherings. Just a few friends for a relaxed convivial meal - time to talk, drink and eat. I doubt your childless friends will be staying for weeks with their families, so a few days after Christmas they may well be up for it. Especially as they may have experienced the same feelings of being add-ons that you are trying to avoid! I would invite them now with a clearly defined plan and date, rather than throwing it out as a vague idea and seeing how people react. As a guest I would commit to a specific invitation more than a casual open house type thing.

Bless you OP

In your shoes I’d try and just do things that you enjoy on the day. Out of the suggestions on this thread the idea of a beach walk with a flask of hot chocolate is the one that appeals to me the most. I would get out of the house and do something physical at some point- it always makes a difference to my mood
I like to cook so I’d make a special meal but if that not something you enjoy then get lots of yummy things that make you feel special.

I’d splash out on a bottle of something that you’ve always wanted to try but that doesn’t fit into your normal budget.

And I’d plan a pub lunch with friends for boxing day.
I hope that you are able to find some joy in the day

I think it will likely get easier over time now that you are at the stage of accepting life without children. In past years its probably been much harder as you were in limbo. Hopeful of having children but sad it was taking so long/was so hard.

Now you know you won't have them, in time, you can learn a new way of living that becomes less centred around children and more around the other relationships you have.

Some options are;

• fancy meals out
• baking - get into cooking more, surpass yourself.
• look for similar people locally. Join a club etc where you may find other couples. Lots of couples don't have kids for various reasons and may like to share Xmas.
• go away, even cheaply in the UK.
• go on a long Xmas walk, stopping off for lunch or take your own.
• reach out to others locally who may be on their own and see if they'd like to join you.

The key is really accepting your life now. For what it IS, rather than want you wanted. It won't be easy and it's certainly not fair, but that's the hand you've been dealt. Counselling may help.

Once you have acceptance I suspect you'll find these traditionally "family" days much easier.

Oh OP, I wish I could hug you.

I’m in such a similar place as you. DH and I have TTC unsuccessfully for ten years. DH is NC with his family. He doesn’t want to go down the adoption route yet. Lost my DDad a while ago. I hate putting the Christmas tree up, and wouldn’t bother if It were just up to me. Everything feels a bit pointless. We’ve tended to go on holiday for Christmas for a few years now, but you’re right, it does still feel very empty. You don’t forget it’s Christmas Day.

Id give anything to be able to have that Christmas advert Christmas Day, with the kids and presents and a house full of family and happiness. I hvent totally given up hope yet, although it is looking more and more unlikely.

I don’t have any practical advice unfortunately but just wanted to say that I’m sorry you have to deal with this. It’s shit, totally and utterly shit and completely unfair.

Have you tried counselling? If not I would recommend to get some. Not to be dramatic but I've tried it a couple of times but finding a good one who I click well with has been life changing for me.

Take a long look through the recent MN posts about Christmas - anxiety about who’s going where, what food to prepare, what gifts to buy, how not to offend and not be offended - I’ve found them quite depressing. Use your lovely decorations and do whatever you and DH enjoy. The Hallmark Christmas is a bit of a fantasy even with kids - the noise, the fights, the over-tiredness and the total mayhem they can bring. Have a lovely indulgent time - you don’t need to leave home to do that

Could you not maybe ask on social media or something similar if anyones spending Christmas alone?
Invite them to yours and host. You'll meet some great people. I've done it before and consider them as family now.
I know it's not the same - but it's something op.

OP, I really feel for you and your DH. That is a rotten hand to be dealt with. However, I really like your attitude and if you want to have the most Christmassy Christmas, then we can help you find the motivation to get going.

Can you write a list of all the Christmas things you’d like to do (like put the decorations up, get the tree up etc) and give yourself a lovely advent calendar full of lovely Christmas events or tasks to do? E.g. 4th December - put all the decorations up. 5th December - put the tree up. 6th December - do a drinks audit and write a list of what we need. Planning lovely things helps me be motivated even when I don’t feel so lovely.

As for the day itself, you and your DH do what you want. I had what ought to have been a rotten Christmas last year with just me and DH but it really wasn’t, because we decided we’d cook a lovely meal together, radio on, bottle open. It was brilliant when the odds were stacked against us. I spent the days leading up prepping, baking for the neighbours and making the bits on the side which was a great distraction and enjoyed myself, even though I was also very sad.

Delia, Jamie and Nigella are here to help. If you don’t already have their Christmas books, get them and sit down with a cup/glass of something delicious this month to get some inspiration.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas OP. Let us know what you do - I’m sure it will help others in the future, too.

It is shit and unfair as others have said.

Still - here are some ideas:

Go for a swim in the sea. If nothing else, you’ll spend the rest of the day delighted to be warm and dry.
Celebrate xmas as though in a different country. Look up what people eat, play etc… in Germany or Greece and cook, try etc… it
Get a properly engrossing and ideally coop board game. I’ve heard good things about the Sherlock Holmes consulting detective game.
Read a story aloud to each other. MR James ghost stories are very Christmassy without being schmaltzy.

Firstly I feel for you .Christmas is made to be such a "Family Day" like an exert from a JL advert! Reality is often tired Mums trying to cater for everyone . What about a trip to the seaside ,Wrap up warm .Take some Turkey SW from M and S and other treats . Maybe a nice meal at a Restaurant instead .If at home ,make everything look nice .Maybe be glad of one another and look to the future .Do you like dogs ? They can be such good company .Nothing will ever make up for your loss ,but as you go through the next few years to build up your own traditons as well

I know this sounds ridiculous to most people but before I had children I had my dog who I treated like a big baby, I put the decorations up for him, I bought him gifts my DH bought him gifts and we would surprise each other on the day as the dog opened them ( I know it’s stupid) but it helped me so much. The day was opening gifts, walk on the beach, Christmas meal, dog had a meal too.

My dog was my little doctor he got me back from a really dark place. I’m not saying a dog will replace a child but it really helped me at the time. The dog died a few years ago but my favourite videos are of him on Christmas morning opening his gifts.

Not read all PP but -

1. Can you not adopt a baby or child from some Eastern European or 3rd World countries?
2. Invite about 20/30 local neighbours for drinks over the Xmas period - even if you don't know them (i.e. ''hire a crowd'').
3. Buy lots of large expensive pine scented candles ( available from the Q.. shop).

Christmas is a strange time with lots of memories and expectations and hope. I live on my own and it occurred to me some years ago to wonder what the big deal actually was as I'm not a Christian. So I just stopped doing it and don't miss it at all. I'm much happier now that all that expectation has gone. My DS doesn't either. He can't be bothered with it as an atheist.

Foster a dog over the holidays?
Sorry if this is not an idea that would suit.

A couple of answers to PPs’ questions:

I’ve had several rounds of counselling, through the IVF years, and also after the adoption process broke down. I can’t say that it has really helped to lift the grief long term, though I think it helped in the short term.

I don’t have a dog. But I have three cats. I adore them, but none of them will consent to wearing festive hats

But I have three cats. I adore them, but none of them will consent to wearing festive hats

Ha ha, nor will mine. I do get them special Christmas treats and a Christmas day toy to disdain play with.

Not read all PP but -
1. Can you not adopt a baby or child from some Eastern European or 3rd World countries?

Wow.