How to make Christmas special again?

[Xmascandoone]

Please help restore my love of Christmas. I used to really enjoy the planning, making cards and little presents, decorating, getting together with friends and family etc

However, over the last 15 years, life has not been kind. My DH and I have not been able to have children despite many years of fertility treatment. Our last hope was adoption but this was refused after months and months of the application process, in part due to historical sexual abuse in DH’s extended family.

As a result, we’ll never have the family Christmas that I thought was on the cards. I have never been able to host Christmas in my own home as my siblings won’t travel to me - they live abroad and have pets and young children which means that, quite understandably, they want to stay put at Christmas. My parents died many years ago. DH is NC with his family so we don’t see them.

We could travel to my siblings for Christmas but to be honest it gets a bit depressing to always be the guest at someone else’s table - sleeping in fold-out beds and fitting in with everyone else’s plans and traditions, not to mention the huge amount of travel involved.

For a few years we tried to book ourselves a special holiday over Christmas but it didn’t distract us from the empty feeling, and I missed the traditions of Christmas at home. We can’t afford to do that this year anyway.
We’ve had a couple of Christmas days with friends, but again, it feels as though we’re just add-ons, and watching them with their children can be really hard.

How do we make ChrIstmas special again? At the moment, we have nothing planned. DH just shrugs when I ask him what we should do. I have boxes full of beautiful Christmas decorations and tableware and I can’t be bothered to put them up or plan anything. We’ll end up sitting around eating too much and watching tv on our own and it will be just like every other day.
I don’t know how to make it mean something again. All it does now is exacerbate the sadness of our childlessness.

Sorry this is so full of self pity. Please be kind. And, this may make me sound horrible, but I don’t want to volunteer at a soup kitchen for the day. I want to be selfish and have a lovely day with my DH. I know that other people’s lives are not like a John Lewis Christmas ad either, but the distance between what I pictured for myself and the reality is hard to bear.
I don’t really know why I’m posting. Just hoping someone has some ideas about what to do to get through this period.

@EdinburghFreddy

It’s in the OP!

I feel for you OP. We weren’t able to have children either. We spent our first 20 odd Christmases hosting my in-laws (they always stayed until New Year) and it was exhausting. Our parents have all gone now - the first Christmas without them felt odd but we realised we had to reinvent it for ourselves. And we always have a self indulgent Christmas. Put up all your decorations. I’ve started really going to town on mine whereas before we just had the tree and the cards.

You and your DH deserve to use your lovely things. They do not have to be kept for some far off imaginary time - use them now and make the house the sort of place you would want to visit.

I just want to say as well from the other side of the table as it were, my husband and I have a large family and when we invite people to join us - single or a couple - it is because they are special to us and we want them to be a part of our family. I really hope that none of our non relatives have ever felt that we only invite them because we have to. We do it because we love them.

As others have said, you are grieving for the life you thought you would have. Don't feel guilty for that. Put up your decorations, they might not make you feel better but not using them when you see everyone around you with decorations up might make you feel worse.

@GoodnightGrandma

Have you thought of volunteering on Xmas day instead ?

Ffs read the OP!

Also childless, and family have sacked us off this year. I think the important bits for me are lovely food, decorations and candlelight and Christmas music. Getting out in the fresh air for a bit also makes me feel better (and stops me eating my weight in quality street for breakfast) and having a rough plan helps me not to think of the day as just like any other. So our plan this year is:

DH and I are planning midnight mass, an early bike ride, followed by a special breakfast then cooking Christmas lunch at a leisurely pace (but only the bits we both like best, and not the stuff we normally cook for others) . We'll go for a walk along the beach before opening presents. We've agreed this year that we will each spend up to £10 on choosing a surprise for the other so that we can afford a bigger donation to a food Bank. We'll listen to Christmas music - I adore carols so I get to control the playlists in December, we'll have lots of candles lit and I have a shortlist of Christmas films I've never seen. Then we'll have a leftovers tea also Including things like sausage rolls and pickled onions to nibble at through the evening. If any of our single neighbours are around we'll invite them in n to play board games/ cards in the evening.

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

It might be a terrible idea but child free friends throw a massive Christmas Eve open house. Decorations, tree, preparations, canapés, fizz. It’s 3pm until whenever, bring whoever. So lots of elderly relatives in chairs, excited children in finery rampaging around hyped up on sugar with balloons, adults chatting with canapés.
Christmas Day just the two of you, tidy up!, church service, walk then grown up dinner for two with your presents could be quite a relief after that!

I really feel for you and want to send the most unmumsnetty of hugs your way. If a break away isn't a possibility, what about doing something physical to get the endorphins going? A swim in the sea, a hill climb, a super long cycle followed by Christmas lunch? Pop over to friends with little Christmas day food gifts or do some RAOK on Christmas Eve?

but only the bits we both like best, and not the stuff we normally cook for others

Yes, we did this last year and will do again this year. Very liberating not to have five different vegetables to prep!

OP, I was you for a number of years whilst struggling with fertility issues and having a family living on the other side of the planet. DH also NC with his family. I was feeling lonely and left out at Christmas (admittedly, struggling more with the physical distance between my family and us).

When we were invited by friends to spend Christmas with them, I was grateful and felt blessed that we do have friends we mean so much to, that they would include us in their special day.

When we spent time with family, I was eternally grateful we were able to afford the trip and spoil everyone with exciting presents but most of all, to spend Christmas with them, making memories and sharing an amazing time.

We spent many years just the two of us at Christmas too, DH & I. We made our own traditions that we were looking forward to each year. A fancy meal out leading up to Christmas. Buying the best food & wine for the big day and enjoying long walks, Christmas movies and candle light in the evenings. Buying each other a mixture of nice and silly presents, the anticipation of gift opening (to see his face opening his "fun" presents!!!!)

You are absolutely justified to feel the way you do. I've been there. And yes, deep down I was yearning for something else, something more, a family of my own. But I did try really hard to shift my perspective and be grateful for what we DID have. Each other and the magic of Christmas (cheesy as it may be, I LOVE IT!).

And I am so glad I did because we do have amazing memories to look back on, even from them time when it was just the two of us for the whole do the festive period.

You have all my sympathies, and I wish you a peaceful, blessed Christmas this year and for the years to come xxx

Thank you for all your lovely thoughtful replies.
I think I may not have been entirely clear, because this is very much not our first Christmas in this situation. It is 15 years since we started fertility treatment, and four years since our adoption application fell through. I thought that over time we would learn to live with it but over the years Christmas has become increasingly hard.
I’m sorry for all the PPs who find themselves in a similar situation.

We’ve done the fancy holidays abroad option, but it made us feel very disconnected. We even did St Petersburg (@PennyWus) but discovered that they don’t actually celebrate Christmas until 7th January so 25th was just a normal working day for them and lacked Christmas spirit, despite thick snow.

I’m talking to my DH while reading these replies and he feels that going to a hotel is almost the opposite of what we need. He thinks a hotel break is lovely when life is busy and you need some time away together on your own, but that what we need is to feel included and part of things.

Some years we’ve thrown everything at it - big tree, Christmas cookery courses, carol concerts, advent calendars, stockings, elaborate gravy - but it didn’t assuage the sadness, so maybe there is no answer and we just need to accept that we can’t have the ‘traditional’ Christmas that we want.

I think you need to try to involve DH so it doesn’t feel it’s all on you.

Can you tell him you feel like you’ve lost the magic and want to chat about the day, come up with some ideas together about what to eat, what to watch, whether to go on a walk etc.

You don’t need other people around you to make Christmas special. But your other half needs to stop shrugging and help you plan. Make it Crystal clear how important this is.

In the run up to Christmas do some days out, National Trust houses, maybe an illuminated trail, market etc., Plan a lovely meal out Christmas Eve.
On the big day itself a champagne breakfast, presents around the tree. A drive or walk somewhere scenic. Treats and a film in the afternoon and a full on traditional dinner by candlelight in the evening.
Decorate house and table as beautifully as you can. You are both worth it.

but it didn’t assuage the sadness, so maybe there is no answer and we just need to accept that we can’t have the ‘traditional’ Christmas that we want

You could try forgetting about tradition and focus on doing the things you like. E.g. have your favourite meal, no matter how un-Christmassy.

Do something that would be impossible with children.

Go away away to a delightful isolated log cabin and get pissed for 3 days on expensive alcohol.

Organise a party for friends and neighbours. Be a wonderful hostess and treat your loved ones to cocktails, nibbles and Christmas luxuries.

Get yourself exactly what you want this Xmas. Sounds like you've had a time of it- treat yourself!

Your post was so difficult to read OP. I felt so much grief and sadness and confusion.
As I have read through the replies, I kept finding myself asking, "what would your Christmas be like if you didn't do anything?". What would it be like if you didn't put the decorations up or eat loads of food or watch loads of telly this year?

(Also, I recommend the book Plan B, I found it very helpful).

Before things changed for me I had comparable feelings for different reasons. A smart person helped me figure out some rituals that in the end really gave me Christmas back. I am eternally grateful! Ritual is very much a part of us humans, it connects us to the passage of time, to the past and to the future. Creation of your own rituals could really help with the grief you both have suffered. It can also make room for your love for each other to come though the grief.

Put the decorations up together - make that a date with seasonal drinks, foods, music, Christmas movie in the background etc.

Plan, plan, plan! A carol service before the day, a visit or two to friends before the day, an evening stroll to look at the shop windows, etc.

Bite sized, small, gentle excursions, and events.

On the day - a nice Christmas breakfast at a dolled up kitchen table? Set your coffee table as your Christmas table, (why not?) and have your meal there with a movie! Who says it has to be in the dining room. A nice walk while the roast is cooking. Why have too much food? If there are the two of you shift quantity for quality and exquisite food.
You may have lead your dh by the nose but you can start to reclaim this day/season, and make it personal, sweet and intimate for you two.

@GoodnightGrandma

Have you thought of volunteering on Xmas day instead ?

@GoodnightGrandma

Glad to see your read the post! Read the last paragraph

Go away away to a delightful isolated log cabin and get pissed for 3 days on expensive alcohol.

DH and I did this for New Year once - booked a cottage with a hot tub. Had a fab time.

Chloemol - I’ve already answer this.

There are so many lovely ideas in this thread - thank you all.

@CanIPleaseHaveOne

Before things changed for me I had comparable feelings for different reasons. A smart person helped me figure out some rituals that in the end really gave me Christmas back. I am eternally grateful! Ritual is very much a part of us humans, it connects us to the passage of time, to the past and to the future. Creation of your own rituals could really help with the grief you both have suffered. It can also make room for your love for each other to come though the grief.

Put the decorations up together - make that a date with seasonal drinks, foods, music, Christmas movie in the background etc.

Plan, plan, plan! A carol service before the day, a visit or two to friends before the day, an evening stroll to look at the shop windows, etc.

Bite sized, small, gentle excursions, and events.

On the day - a nice Christmas breakfast at a dolled up kitchen table? Set your coffee table as your Christmas table, (why not?) and have your meal there with a movie! Who says it has to be in the dining room. A nice walk while the roast is cooking. Why have too much food? If there are the two of you shift quantity for quality and exquisite food.
You may have lead your dh by the nose but you can start to reclaim this day/season, and make it personal, sweet and intimate for you two.

Great post.

I totally get you about volunteering. I do a lot of volunteer work through the year, but I don't think I'd (currently) want to do it on Christmas Day.

I'd suggest making Christmas day as easy as possible, and having your own traditions.

What about going out and having a Christmas meal at a nice restaurant on Christmas Eve? Then come back, have mulled wine and put on carols, perhaps go to midnight mass if you want.

Christmas Day, sleep in and have something special like pancakes for breakfast. Then have something to do-a board game, watch a movie (you could choose one to be your Christmas watch every year if you wanted) while eating snacks of crisps and nuts.
Have an easy dinner (something you really like but can just put in the oven) and then open presents.

So make the Christmas day about what you want to do and not what everyone else does.

@Xmascandoone

Thank you for all your lovely thoughtful replies. I think I may not have been entirely clear, because this is very much not our first Christmas in this situation. It is 15 years since we started fertility treatment, and four years since our adoption application fell through. I thought that over time we would learn to live with it but over the years Christmas has become increasingly hard. I’m sorry for all the PPs who find themselves in a similar situation.

We’ve done the fancy holidays abroad option, but it made us feel very disconnected. We even did St Petersburg (@PennyWus) but discovered that they don’t actually celebrate Christmas until 7th January so 25th was just a normal working day for them and lacked Christmas spirit, despite thick snow.

I’m talking to my DH while reading these replies and he feels that going to a hotel is almost the opposite of what we need. He thinks a hotel break is lovely when life is busy and you need some time away together on your own, but that what we need is to feel included and part of things.

Some years we’ve thrown everything at it - big tree, Christmas cookery courses, carol concerts, advent calendars, stockings, elaborate gravy - but it didn’t assuage the sadness, so maybe there is no answer and we just need to accept that we can’t have the ‘traditional’ Christmas that we want.

I think you can but embrase small rather than big. Small carol service, small gravy , small tree etc.

Maybe the expectation of assuageing the sadness is too ambitious - maybe accept that you will be sad but will also have some pleasure and warmth.

I am really sorry OP, it is a tricky one.

The only thing I can think of - and it will take a while to build, and you might not want to do it - is make your house a sort of community hub at Christmas.

IE get known for having a big drinks party on Christmas Eve, and a smaller group of people round for a relaxed Boxing Day meal. You’d still be alone on C’mas day, but it would matter less.

You’d have to start small and build.

The other option is do you have other childless couple or single friends you could build a Christmas Day tradition of alternating hosting with?

My suggestion is to forget about Christmas Day and instead have a whole month of Christmas starting now. Go slowly, taking time to do something seasonal each day - that could be taking a walk on a crisp, cold day, or setting out some candles, making a warm winter soup, choosing some books to read in the evening, deep cleaning a room, browsing some ideas for food, shopping for that food, bringing some of the outdoors inside, etc.

All small things that are probably things you do, but just leaning in to them a little more until you are really in touch with your feelings. If you feel like decorating you can. If you don’t, then don’t (but choose it to honour your needs and desires rather than beating yourself up with phrases like “can’t be bothered). It’s perfectly ok to do or not do as much or as little as feels right.

You said going abroad makes you feel disconnected so you have traditions and sensations that are important to you.

By the time Christmas Day comes you’ll have had a slow month of gentle preparation, and you may find that it’s easier to work out what you need from the day as it gets closer.

I know that probably feels like a very long non-answer.