How to make Christmas special again?

[Xmascandoone]

Please help restore my love of Christmas. I used to really enjoy the planning, making cards and little presents, decorating, getting together with friends and family etc

However, over the last 15 years, life has not been kind. My DH and I have not been able to have children despite many years of fertility treatment. Our last hope was adoption but this was refused after months and months of the application process, in part due to historical sexual abuse in DH’s extended family.

As a result, we’ll never have the family Christmas that I thought was on the cards. I have never been able to host Christmas in my own home as my siblings won’t travel to me - they live abroad and have pets and young children which means that, quite understandably, they want to stay put at Christmas. My parents died many years ago. DH is NC with his family so we don’t see them.

We could travel to my siblings for Christmas but to be honest it gets a bit depressing to always be the guest at someone else’s table - sleeping in fold-out beds and fitting in with everyone else’s plans and traditions, not to mention the huge amount of travel involved.

For a few years we tried to book ourselves a special holiday over Christmas but it didn’t distract us from the empty feeling, and I missed the traditions of Christmas at home. We can’t afford to do that this year anyway.
We’ve had a couple of Christmas days with friends, but again, it feels as though we’re just add-ons, and watching them with their children can be really hard.

How do we make ChrIstmas special again? At the moment, we have nothing planned. DH just shrugs when I ask him what we should do. I have boxes full of beautiful Christmas decorations and tableware and I can’t be bothered to put them up or plan anything. We’ll end up sitting around eating too much and watching tv on our own and it will be just like every other day.
I don’t know how to make it mean something again. All it does now is exacerbate the sadness of our childlessness.

Sorry this is so full of self pity. Please be kind. And, this may make me sound horrible, but I don’t want to volunteer at a soup kitchen for the day. I want to be selfish and have a lovely day with my DH. I know that other people’s lives are not like a John Lewis Christmas ad either, but the distance between what I pictured for myself and the reality is hard to bear.
I don’t really know why I’m posting. Just hoping someone has some ideas about what to do to get through this period.

Maybe go around the world for Christmas at home? Have a traditional Swedish Christmas meal with all the Swedish traditions one year and go somewhere else the next year.

I agree with SultanOfSwing that you possibly consider fostering/ emergency fostering.

You sound so lovely. Would you consider fostering. There are many children in foster care, sibling groups who would love to spend Christmas and other times in a family situation, you and DH are a family. These children for whatever reasons are not with their own family but could be with yours

Have a read of this thread…it certainly made me feel better!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4407812-i-get-a-dready-feeling-as-christmas-approaches-and-i-m-not-sure-why

What is the spirit of Christmas for you op?

What made you feel happy in the past, during your childhood?

For me it's the lights, songs, winter air, films, games and Christmas dinner. Putting thr christmas tree up with all the old ornaments. For you it may be different.
It's sounds like you are trying to reconnect so trying something different hasn't helped.

I know you've said you tried counselling in the past but I would suggest trying again to delve deeper into your feelings of sadness.

I have DC and just looked at the calender sadly knowing I am working so much over Xmas and how little time I will have with family. The balance is off for many.

I feel for you so much.
Your infertility, which you can keep busy and avoid normally, is just laid bare at Xmas.
You can plan lots of lovely stuff but I can see it will always be not the day/life you wanted.
It must still feel so new and raw. 4 years is no time.
I think it might be one of those fake it til you make it situations. Go through the motions and it might gradually change.
Til then I would stop throwing too much money at it - save it for times of the year when things aren't so loaded and you can enjoy them.
Don't pressure yourselves into finding an "as good" alternative Xmas right now. Just battle through it holding hands and supporting each other. That's enough.

Hi OP,

One other thing that occurred to me - I get seasonal affective disorder at this time of year while kills my appetite stone dead, and is really inconvenient at Christmas lunch.

I bought a couple of Lumie Brazil SAD lamps and they have really helped me a lot. I keep them on from November to March in my kitchen now. I wondered if a couple of those might help take the edge off the "festive season" for you? (I never feel very festive either tbh.)"

www.lumie.com/products/brazil-sad-light

Huge hugs to you op. I can feel the sadness in your post. Would going away be an option? Alternatively as someone suggested, just do your own version of Christmas. It doesn't have to be decorations and big meals, you can just make it your own.

It sounds like you're having a really hard time but I love that you want to make Christmas mean something again.

I do have some ideas. For me, it's the small things that remind me it's Christmas, like getting all dressed up for dinner, doing festive make-up, cooking some special dishes (that we do only on this day), special music plays all day etc.

So, find some new traditions you can create for you twο, and have some ground rules like no tv just christmas movies, no social media, just time for you. Also, maybe plan some drinks/cocktails with friends?

It's really hard and I wish you find some plans that will become traditions and you will look forward to them every year.

Instead of going to someone else's house, could you invite them over to yours? That could give you the motivation you need to get into the Christmas spirit, e.g. decorating your house, planning dinner, preparing party games, etc.

Champagne for breakfast with smoked salmon. Then presents. Lunch make or buy your favourite meal rather than faffing around with turkey (unless that is your favourite meal) and pair with your favourite wine. Or go to your favourite pub/restaurant. After lunch go for a walk then watch a movie. Evening cocktails (buy some kits if neither of you usually make them) and mince pies while you listen to favourite albums. Cracking Christmas!

Xmascandoone your DH has articulated the feeling of not belonging anywhere, and although you haven't said it in so many words that's what comes across from your OP for you too.

I'm sorry if this sounds trite, but can you make it a day where you celebrate that you do belong somewhere, and that's with each other? Make it a day where you do things together and for each other, whether that's food, games, running a bath, going for a walk, watching a favourite film? Nothing will compensate for not having the child centred Christmas you always dreamed of, but use it to remind yourselves that you have each other and that you will deal with it together and be stronger for it.

Probably not on the cards for this year, but have you been really frank with your siblings about how you feel about Christmas? There's nothing wrong with saying to them that you'd love to have a chance to host a big family Christmas for once & as their kids get older it will become easier for them to travel. You're right, it's not fair for you to always be going to them. But I also think that you don't have to automatically accept that on the years you don't travel you should have to feel cast out into the cold.

You and your DH have my sympathy, in a fairly similar situation but without the heartache of adoption. It is hard always feeling like a bit part player in someone else's Christmas.

Can you articulate what your ideal day would look like (both of you)? And then put in place what you can? So if your ideal day involves basking in the glow of having given a well thought through gift, enjoying silly games ... a couple of mine but you get the idea.

Another idea is to imagine what your 8 year old self would have wished for for you in adulthood- finding my inner 8 year old has revived my love of crafting but yours might be horse riding, ice skating etc

And do remember that through your wonderfully phrased thread, you've let a lot of MNers in similar situations know that they are not alone, and take some comfort that they will all be thinking of you and wishing you well too

I'm so sorry. That's miserable. I don't know how helpful this is, but some things that come to mind:

• have you considered getting a dog?
• buying expensive fancy booze and having a very grown up Christmas with food kids wouldn't want to eat and focussing entirely on each other.
• ignoring Christmas entirely
• checking whether any of your friends are Jewish / Muslim etc and would consider including you in their non Christmas activities?
• going for a long walk somewhere really beautiful in the countryside on Christmas day
• therapy (I think everyone should have therapy)

Oh also I fully agree with PP - why shouldn't you be able to host Christmas just because you're not a parent? Hosting is great, gives you a focus and a purpose, and there's every chance that those with young children will be delighted to be looked after.

It's just me and my DP, no children for several reasons and our family are abroad. We have wonderful Xmas, never thought I was missing out. We still decorate the house, binge movies on Xmas eve, cook an extravagant xmas lunch...I'm talking lobster, wagyu, all the trimmings, drink expensive champagne (we go for a full splurge on food and drink), walk the dogs and watch movies in our pj's. Its wonderful and fun and our special way to celebrate.