How to make Christmas special again?

[Xmascandoone]

Please help restore my love of Christmas. I used to really enjoy the planning, making cards and little presents, decorating, getting together with friends and family etc

However, over the last 15 years, life has not been kind. My DH and I have not been able to have children despite many years of fertility treatment. Our last hope was adoption but this was refused after months and months of the application process, in part due to historical sexual abuse in DH’s extended family.

As a result, we’ll never have the family Christmas that I thought was on the cards. I have never been able to host Christmas in my own home as my siblings won’t travel to me - they live abroad and have pets and young children which means that, quite understandably, they want to stay put at Christmas. My parents died many years ago. DH is NC with his family so we don’t see them.

We could travel to my siblings for Christmas but to be honest it gets a bit depressing to always be the guest at someone else’s table - sleeping in fold-out beds and fitting in with everyone else’s plans and traditions, not to mention the huge amount of travel involved.

For a few years we tried to book ourselves a special holiday over Christmas but it didn’t distract us from the empty feeling, and I missed the traditions of Christmas at home. We can’t afford to do that this year anyway.
We’ve had a couple of Christmas days with friends, but again, it feels as though we’re just add-ons, and watching them with their children can be really hard.

How do we make ChrIstmas special again? At the moment, we have nothing planned. DH just shrugs when I ask him what we should do. I have boxes full of beautiful Christmas decorations and tableware and I can’t be bothered to put them up or plan anything. We’ll end up sitting around eating too much and watching tv on our own and it will be just like every other day.
I don’t know how to make it mean something again. All it does now is exacerbate the sadness of our childlessness.

Sorry this is so full of self pity. Please be kind. And, this may make me sound horrible, but I don’t want to volunteer at a soup kitchen for the day. I want to be selfish and have a lovely day with my DH. I know that other people’s lives are not like a John Lewis Christmas ad either, but the distance between what I pictured for myself and the reality is hard to bear.
I don’t really know why I’m posting. Just hoping someone has some ideas about what to do to get through this period.

You need to have a very selfish Christmas You deserve it after all you have been through, and your siblings should understand this. I imagine it involving you telling everyone to f off, not buying a single gift and using the money to have fun with you and DH. I'd use the money to check into a fancy hotel with a spa and swimming pool.

I'm sorry, it is tough.

We couldn't have children either. We have spent a lot of Christmas's on our own, we love it! We have stocking in bed, then a posh breakfast.

We spend most of the day preparing a huge Christmas feast - traditional with everything. We go for a nice walk then eat and drink and be merry. We have arrive Christmas tree and give each other presents. Then we watch telly. I love it to bits!

DH and I do Christmassy things such as playing board games and watching Christmas movies. The excitement of a new board game plus getting out the old favourites feels very Christmassy. We have a full Christmas dinner (which we eat leftovers of for the next three days).

Bloody hell, the number of people telling OP to volunteer in Christmas day, despite her saying more than once that she doesn't want to is ridiculous. OP, I really understand where you are coming from. Christmas really is a loaded celebration, full of anticipation and expectation, and I think we could all do with stepping back from that. Just make this the first of many Christmases that you do your way. Go for a curry. Get drunk and sung karaoke. Eat fishfinger sandwiches. Stay in bed til 2. Do whatever you and your husband want to do and make it your Christmas tradition. I'm so sorry to read about your difficulties. You can have a fab Christmas.

That sounds tough, and me heart goes out to you.

I know it’s not remotely the same, but we’ve not seen our grown up children for almost 2 years (Covid) and last Christmas was just a day full of self pity and too much alcohol. So this year, I’m inviting friends who don’t have children or won’t be with their children and I’m going to get caterers in to do the meal. And then when everyone has had a lovely, civilised adult day, I’ll go to bed and cry probably.

Do you have child free friends you can spend it with? It’s easier to fake some Christmas jolliness if you’re doing it for other people.

I think this is part of a wider picture of finding a happy future for you and DH with the hand you have been dealt. What kind of Christmas would you envy a bit in a couple with no children? Swimming in the sea on Christmas morning/ tipsy brunch with friends on Boxing Day/ hiking up a hill and having a flask of coffee and a croissant at the top on Christmas morning/ cottage in the highlands with no tv and an open fire or to a city to see a show. Have a think about what you want more of in your life and see if you can bring it in. You can change everything about your life now if you want and start again or you can keep things the same and plan some tweaks to make it the best version of Christmas Day at home with your DH you can. Do you have friends you can host around Christmas for drinks and board games etc and start some more of your own traditions?

I am sorry for your sadness.

Some aspects of your post resonate with me. I am fortunate to have children. But my mum died a few months ago and she was the heart of Christmas in our family. I have always loved Christmas but this year I am grieving my mum and also missing the loss of our family Christmas if that makes sense.

If your marriage is happy and you communicate with your DH I’d start by telling him how you feel and ask him not to shrug it off. Tell him it’s important to you to re-claim your joy in Christmas. Your DH needs to be at the centre of this.

Are there friends or relatives who would like an invitation to Christmas lunch? Or a drinks party or Christmas tea a few days before Christmas? Give you a chance to use your nice decorations / tableware?

If it’s crafting you miss I’d take it up again but maybe with the focus on winter rather than Christmas per se. As you get into it Christmas themes may work their way in. Similarly with baking. Lots of things can be more winter rather than overtly Christmas. But might lead you back to the love of Christmas.

Walking in the countryside. Christmas craft fairs? Christmas concerts? National trust houses? All these things are beautiful, but not focussed on children.

Plan the most delicious Christmas lunch you can. Plan a lovely outfit. Fine wine?

Join a choir or crafting group? Church service m/ Carol concert in a cathedral? See what a local museum has on offer?

I hope you find joy again.

Holiday?

“Have you thought of volunteering” will be the new “cancel the cheque”.

OP it sounds really hard for you. I can’t imagine the pain of going through IVF and adoption etc only to be thwarted at the end of it. Would fostering be the same criteria? I know it’s not the same but it just seems so awful that due to circumstance so far out of your control that you’d be considered unsuitable.

As for Xmas, maybe have a think about what makes for a fabulous adult Christmas. So I’d imagine midnight mass or Carol singing, lots of festive drinking, country pubs etc maybe a glamorous cocktail party for your friends - kid free preferably!! How about one of those Santa park runs or a Christmas Day open water swim etc - something to get the blood pumping that’s something people do every year. Make new traditions - we used to go to the beach at Skegness for a walk on Boxing Day. Totally not festive but it was something we looked forward to every year. Taking a flask of hot chocolate or something to make it feel like an indulgent treat instead of just a wild and windy walk.

We’ve also started celebrating Thanksgiving. Not American or in any way afflicted with the US! But as big foodies I wanted to try out some of the naughtiest dishes they traditionally eat. It’s also a good time to take stock before the madness of Xmas and be thankful for what you already have.

But most importantly look after yourself. Take advantage of the fact that you absolutely can do exactly as you choose to at this time of year, so protect yourself by choosing not to spend time with anyone who - inadvertently or not - would make you feel bad.

No useful wisdom other than its absolutely NOT selfish to look after yourself or be sad about a situation not of your choosing.

Longer term, can you get some counselling? It can be useful to have someone to offload these huge emotions on that isn’t involved in them directly (I had two years of counselling after IVF miscarriages and it probably saved my life).

Have a look at Tui cruises. They have a couple over Xmas day. There will not be many children and the boats are so big it will be fine. We went in August and barely saw any kids on the boat. It looks fantastic. There is a FB page for that particular cruise. Mainly couples going.

@PennyWus

Your post was painful to read, I can't imagine anyone feeling anything other than a huge amount of sympathy for you. How horribly unfair that your DH's difficult life is a reason to punish you both now. It's hardly as if child abuse is rare, there must be loads and loads of adoptive parents who have this (secretly) in their own past or in their families. Those decisions just give people another reason to be frightened into hushing up their own experiences of abuse.

But anyway. The point of your post was how to make Christmas special. I'd do something you can't feasibly do with kids.

I'd escape.

I think I'd book a holiday somewhere snowy, and learn to ski properly. Maybe a group holiday, in one of those ludicrously expensive catered chalets, or in a good hotel in a resort, the hotel would have a heated swimming pool outdoors, and a spa, and there would an amazing restaurant serving fondue or goulash soup. I'd book a sleigh ride on Christmas Eve and find a local church to attend on Christmas day, even if the whole service was in German. I'd drink gluhwein until I was pickled in it and even my sweat was scented with cinnamon. And I'd thank my stars for one or two days I had NO kids because it is really tough going skiing with kids.

And the following year I'd go to Vienna and do the Christmas markets and eat cake and coffee, and attend a concert.

And the next year, St Petersburg, to watch the ballet and drift through art galleries.

Then, Reykjavik. New York. Every year a different place.

Meanwhile, those of us who aren't Carrie from Sex and the City....

Me and DH had 17 Christmas's before we finally had a child. We used to buy luxury food ( nothing that needed cooking) have a lie in, late breakfast, a walk on the beach if it was nice then slob/eat/drink for the rest of the day. It doesn't take away the pain but at least we weren't with our extended families and hoards of children.

Hi OP, I feel the same in lots of ways. We also are unable to have children and Christmas feels very child-cantered nowadays. I like the idea of making grown up traditions with friends (childless ones) and maybe going away with them over xmas. I know you said you can’t afford to this year, but maybe you can do skating/Christmas meals out/midnight church services where there won’t be any children and make plans to go away next year. Maybe some day you’ll want to put out beautiful decorations, or maybe you never will, but hopefully you can find your own ways to enjoy it. Personally, I won’t be decorating, but maybe some day I will.

And yes to choir - I used to love singing in a pop choir before covid - must go back! They would often sing at local Xmas tree lighting ceremonies and did a special Xmas eve performance at Center Parcs, which I could never go to as a single mum, Xmas eve is busy for me! One thing I’ll definitely do once my kids are older and don’t need me to play Santa on Xmas eve, as it will just be so festive. And yes, it will be focussed around entertaining the families who are staying there, but most of the choir will be those for whom Xmas isn’t centred around DCs.

Ffs OP has said she can't afford a holiday.

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit

Typical Mumsnet, OP "I don't want to volunteer in a soup kitchen" First response "Have you thought of volunteering?" your post is so sad xmascandoone I really feel for you. I know you said you can't afford a holiday, could you afford a luxury UK Christmas break in a fabulous hotel and be completely spoiled for a couple of days?

Isn't that literally the definition of 'a holiday'? This is like a parallel universe sometimes.

I was in your position for many years. What saved my sanity was to focus on those things that I enjoyed doing during the year - a meal out, a surprise gift, visiting something/someone/somewhere, watching a re-run of Ben Hur (!), and do all of those things in condensed form at Christmas. It doesn't cost much, and you only plan as much as you want to.

No to me it's a weekend break, but I guess everyone is different.

Have you thought of inviting some other people, perhaps older people, who are spending Christmas alone and would rather not be, to have christmas lunch with you?

Plan a special day.

Firstly, get each other stockings. Doesn’t have to be much. Maybe plan to get ten presents each and a nice stocking.

Christmas Eve - Carol service, Christmas show, pantomime

Morning - prepare food, relax

Church / Carol service (even if not religious)

Lunch - full works

Afternoon - nice walk, board games, Christmas film,

Eve - cheese and biscuits ,

Buy special bits and pieces

Put up all the special decorations and make the house look amazing. Invite good friends for a meal either before Christmas or in the week between Christmas and New Year (or both), and crack out the good china.

Spend time outdoors walking or running in beautiful places so you appreciate being back in your warm Christmassy home. Go to a carol service or concert before Christmas, and a play or show in the week after.

If you have lots of other things scheduled it takes pressure off the day itself, and you are more likely to enjoy being peacefully at home as a couple.

@PennyWus

Your post was painful to read, I can't imagine anyone feeling anything other than a huge amount of sympathy for you. How horribly unfair that your DH's difficult life is a reason to punish you both now. It's hardly as if child abuse is rare, there must be loads and loads of adoptive parents who have this (secretly) in their own past or in their families. Those decisions just give people another reason to be frightened into hushing up their own experiences of abuse.

But anyway. The point of your post was how to make Christmas special. I'd do something you can't feasibly do with kids.

I'd escape.

I think I'd book a holiday somewhere snowy, and learn to ski properly. Maybe a group holiday, in one of those ludicrously expensive catered chalets, or in a good hotel in a resort, the hotel would have a heated swimming pool outdoors, and a spa, and there would an amazing restaurant serving fondue or goulash soup. I'd book a sleigh ride on Christmas Eve and find a local church to attend on Christmas day, even if the whole service was in German. I'd drink gluhwein until I was pickled in it and even my sweat was scented with cinnamon. And I'd thank my stars for one or two days I had NO kids because it is really tough going skiing with kids.

And the following year I'd go to Vienna and do the Christmas markets and eat cake and coffee, and attend a concert.

And the next year, St Petersburg, to watch the ballet and drift through art galleries.

Then, Reykjavik. New York. Every year a different place.

Great minds

I think you have to shift the 'can't be bothered' mind set and make it special for you and your DH. You want a lovely Christmas with DH so make it so. Get the most fantastic real tree, put all your beautiful decorations on it, do it with your DH. Put loads of lights on it and switch them on every day and snuggle up. Go to a National Trust Christmas lights display - read up on the reviews of ones near you. Or go to a pantomime or to see The Nutcracker. Go ice skating. Start traditions with your DH - make oranges with cloves in - they smell so good! Plan and make some sort of special desert for Christmas day or make a gingerbread house from scratch or with a kit. Have a buffet on Christmas eve and watch Christmassy movies. Get each other some nice presents - maybe make each other a card or present. Plan what tv to watch, get some games to play together - we have the adult version of sussed which is quite fun.

Just make loads of plans and traditions that you can look forward to each year - whatever you enjoy.

@AvonCallingBarksdale

*GoodnightGrandma Have you thought of volunteering on Xmas day instead?*

Good grief, OP, has already said she doesn’t want to do that
@Xmascandoone I’m sorry the adoption process fell through for you, that must be really tough. How about doing something with friends on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day, going to a carol concert in the lead-up, treating yourselves to a couple of nights away in a hotel on the in between bit if possible and then on the day itself, buying in all your favourite foods, morning parkrun if that’s your thing and then lots of yummy food and drink, cocktails etc.
I hope you have a lovely day when it comes

Apologies, I didn’t read that far ! No need to get your knickers in a twist 🎄