How to make Christmas special again?

[Xmascandoone]

Please help restore my love of Christmas. I used to really enjoy the planning, making cards and little presents, decorating, getting together with friends and family etc

However, over the last 15 years, life has not been kind. My DH and I have not been able to have children despite many years of fertility treatment. Our last hope was adoption but this was refused after months and months of the application process, in part due to historical sexual abuse in DH’s extended family.

As a result, we’ll never have the family Christmas that I thought was on the cards. I have never been able to host Christmas in my own home as my siblings won’t travel to me - they live abroad and have pets and young children which means that, quite understandably, they want to stay put at Christmas. My parents died many years ago. DH is NC with his family so we don’t see them.

We could travel to my siblings for Christmas but to be honest it gets a bit depressing to always be the guest at someone else’s table - sleeping in fold-out beds and fitting in with everyone else’s plans and traditions, not to mention the huge amount of travel involved.

For a few years we tried to book ourselves a special holiday over Christmas but it didn’t distract us from the empty feeling, and I missed the traditions of Christmas at home. We can’t afford to do that this year anyway.
We’ve had a couple of Christmas days with friends, but again, it feels as though we’re just add-ons, and watching them with their children can be really hard.

How do we make ChrIstmas special again? At the moment, we have nothing planned. DH just shrugs when I ask him what we should do. I have boxes full of beautiful Christmas decorations and tableware and I can’t be bothered to put them up or plan anything. We’ll end up sitting around eating too much and watching tv on our own and it will be just like every other day.
I don’t know how to make it mean something again. All it does now is exacerbate the sadness of our childlessness.

Sorry this is so full of self pity. Please be kind. And, this may make me sound horrible, but I don’t want to volunteer at a soup kitchen for the day. I want to be selfish and have a lovely day with my DH. I know that other people’s lives are not like a John Lewis Christmas ad either, but the distance between what I pictured for myself and the reality is hard to bear.
I don’t really know why I’m posting. Just hoping someone has some ideas about what to do to get through this period.

@tara66
Thank you for your post. There’s a common misconception that adopting from abroad is easier than in the UK. As far as I remember you can’t adopt from abroad without going through the UK’s assessment process first (which we failed). You have to pay for the assessment (several thousand pounds). You are also expected to spend a lot of time in the country you’re adopting from (several months in some cases), pay huge sums in fees, and many countries no longer allow adoption from abroad anyway.
It isn’t the easy option, but thank you for taking the time to read my post and offer help.

I’m sorry I have just re read the OP and I didn’t read it as not wanting to see any children at all, more that watching them open their presents with their parents would be too hard.
Organise a big adult only party- maybe NYE?

When I’m feeling a little less miserable tomorrow, I’m going to sit down with this thread and make a big list of all the Christmas activities I can test out. Thank you for all the great suggestions. Everyone is so kind.

I would think about what you both enjoy doing the most (not just at Christmas, but any time of the year), and try and incorporate that into your day. You can decide between you what you want, if you don't like turkey don't have it, if you want to have a lie in until 2pm then do it! I would also put up as many decorations as you want. I love Christmas decorations and putting them up is one of the best bits, even though my husband only helps with the physical lifting elements so I largely do it on my own.

If timezones allow maybe have some video calls with wider family at times that work for you. I wouldn't be beholden to anyone else's schedule - there are plenty of other days around Christmas day that you can have a call at a time that works for everyone. Last year due to Covid we did a quiz over zoom in the evening and it was nice way to spend an hour.

OP it sounds as though the thing you used to enjoy about Christmas was being creative and hospitable, and making Christmas special for others. Assuming there is no-one you know who might be on their own on Xmas Day who you can invite, could you consider inviting someone in your community who you don't know, who maybe alone and desperate not to be?

If that wouldn't appeal, could you make Xmas Day a day to celebrate what you do have, ie a loving relationship? Forget the focus being on telly and alcohol. Be close to nature which can raise your spirits in lots of ways.....go for a good walk regardless of the weather, buy each other a nice present, decorate the house with symbolic greenery, wake with the sun, cook something delicious (wouldn't bother with turkey) tell DH why you love him and have an early night. Or something along those lines which might appeal. Put your physical well-being first and hopefully you will find the mind will follow.

This thread resonates with me so much and I am currently in a similar place in many ways. I can't have children, not eligible to adopt, have lost both my parents in recent years with no close family left, and am single. Growing up Christmas was always pretty special and magical for me, so to have it now the complete opposite is difficult because I just don't know what to do with myself. I got invited to my "bubble" friends last year which was absolutely lovely and amazing, and it's likely I will get a similar invitation this year, however, I cannot rely on them indefinitely to invite me for Christmas for the rest of my life. My enjoyment of Christmas is not their responsibility and I too end up feeling like a bit of a spare part. I find myself watching them all and in many ways it amplifies my own situation.

Anyway, I'm currently planning for Christmas alone (with spoilt pets!). I don't feel like I've completely found all my new traditions yet, but I'm working on it. Thing is I love all the decorations, the music, the films etc. I'm quite traditional in a lot of ways - I love an old fashioned Christmas and so I'm currently trying to create a day for me that will be pure indulgence - but have also picked up a few ideas off this thread too that I'm loving.

I've already got my tree up. There were a few weeks where I was in two minds about it but I think once you start not bothering, it's a slippery slope. So I made the effort and the tree looks fab. I've ordered myself the most indulgent Christmas hamper I can afford and have a few bits coming from Fortnum & Mason - nice champagne etc. Am planning a nice walk in the morning (if it's a crisp day), a nice relaxing breakfast - smoked salmon etc... . I'm going to do a stocking for myself with some luxury treats in it - perhaps a new perfume or piece of jewellery - something I wouldn't normally buy for myself. I'm going to have a nice long indulgent bath, read a chosen book, get cosy in some fab luxurious pj's, and then select a couple of my favourite films to watch. My furry housemates will also get spoilt - treats, few new toys, nice dinner. They have their own stockings.

I'm now also looking at a couple of Christmas Carol concerts in the days before - and I've just spotted something wonderful on Boxing Day that I fancy going to see and is right up my street!

Is it perfect? No... but the fact is I'll never have the kind of Christmas I REALLY dream of, but I'm gradually trying to create my own traditions based on things that I love.

You have my deepest sympathies OP.... and without wanting to sound like an arse, it really pisses me off that anyone alone or couples without children at Christmas are automatically told to go and volunteer. I have the greatest respect for people who do choose to volunteer at Christmas, however, it is not the only option for people without children or who are alone at Christmas who just want to find something magical to do on the day.

In future years I'll look at a cruise or other holiday at Christmas - it's already on my radar - but as I cannot always guarantee I'll get Christmas off work (or enough days around the day itself) to enable me to go away I have to create traditions at home too.

It's so hard OP - I get it. And it's more so because you cannot magic up the elements you need to create the Christmas you dream of. I am sending you massive hugs and I hope that you and your DH find something lovely to do at Christmas that if nothing else, puts a smile on your faces.

We had many childless years where we didn’t know if we would ever become parents and Christmas was a particularly hard time. We would always spend it with my dad and brother just have a cosy few days, including lots of expensive food and wine, a walk in the woods and usually a Lord of the Rings movie marathon (extended versions!). I do look back on those Christmases very fondly now especially as my wonderful dad is no longer with us, but we would avoid wider family with young children on Christmas Eve and Christmas day as seeing families with young children was not what we needed in that headspace. I hope you can come to some kind of peace around Christmas OP, sounds like you and your DH are lucky to have one another x

We don't have kids and after my Dad died we had our first Christmas with just the two of us.

We did a kind of anti-Christmas and go to the beach and watch braver souls than us go in the sea. We don't always do that but it is now what we like to do though we still do extended family Christmases some years. We had an evening barbeque once.

We never decorate though we do to watch Christmas lights going on in our town and have a hot chocolate and we will walk to a nearby street which does a lot of outdoor Christmas lights and will look at Christmas decorations in shops. We sort of collect photos of Christmas trees in the run up to Christmas and try to find the most outrageously small or odd.

Oddly by going the opposite way we enjoy it more now.

I have spent a few Christmas on my own and I think it’s very hard to recreate the ‘festive feel’ when there is only two of you anyway.
Even harder in your circumstances.

My gut feeling is that if you try and go all out of Christmas ‘like you are supposed to do it’, it will always feel wrong.

So I’d go with creating new traditions. Something that you would both enjoy doing and that you will keep ‘just for Christmas’ iyswim.
Maybe it’s a special dish or actually a meal in a plate watching a comedy. A small white Christmas tree rather than the big green ine you’ve always had etc… the idea is that whatever you do it has to be something that will make you smile or laugh. And then keep that tradition for next year :)

Ooh another thing we did one Christmas was write out 24 things to do - just little things like go out for a drink in the evening, check out the Christmas market or buy some chocolates on the way home from work....then put them all in a jar and randomly put behind the windows on an advent calendar. That was fun. We would open it in the morning knowing that there was a treat waiting for us.

I think try to enjoy the things about Xmas that arent centred around kids. Do you like church I am not particularly religious but I love church at Xmas you could go to a service or a Carol concert Xmas eve or day. Put your dinner one and have a long walk followed by a boozy xmas dinner and then maybe go to a freinds just for the evening either Xmas eve or day. Play some board games. Book a pantomime or theatre trip. Garden centre that's all xmassy.

My first thought was a cruise. I had visions of them being all 'gold sandals and the captain's table' but I was so wrong and what I loved is that you could have exactly the holiday that YOU wanted as there were so many different things to do and no enforced jollity/activity. My best memory was watching an open air film in the middle of the North Sea in the darkness wrapped in a blanket with a hip flask lying on a sun lounger late in the evening or on the treadmill going through the narrow fjords.

What if you start some new traditions? Here are some ideas I had:

-attempt at making a massive architecturally fantastic gingerbread house, it will probably be a big fail (it would be if I tried!!!) But it could fun and funny particularly if you get drunk. Could play holiday music while you do!! Pictures afterward would provide happy memories

-make Christmas cookies, allll different kinds, really beautiful ones, and have fun decorating them, then deliver to friends and neighbors doorsteps

-instead of Christmas movies, each choose a scary movie to watch while cuddled under a blanket with some mulled wine

-learn a tiktok dance, film it and send it out to friends and family (only if you're the kind to laugh at yourself!!)

-silly white elephant gifts for each other

-try out a new recipe together

-get a small dog, seriously! I had cats all my life, my two kitties were my great loves and when they passed I had to take a break from pet ownership because I was so grief stricken. We got a chihuahua at the beginning of covid and she is our little darling. Puppies require a massive amount of time and energy and they are so so loving. It is different to cat ownership (not that cats aren't lovely!) and I think could really help you with your grief. A small dog, especially raised from a puppy, should be no trouble with your cats.

I'm so sorry your adoption fell through, yes International adoption is tough and the process is grueling so that must have been quite a blow. Perhaps you have already addressed this but could fostering be a possibility? There are lots of older children close to aging out of care that could really use a family. Apologies if you have already tried this and my comment is hurtful, it is not meant to be at all.

I am sorry your feeling so sad about Christmas OP.
Christmas is a really hard time of year, I find. I think of all the things I have lost. The times in my life when I was happier. And think of those who are no longer in my life. The 'festive cheer!' Is bitter sweet, isn't it.

I am lucky and grateful to have 2 DC. But I have more love and nurturing to give and I am at the beginning of my Fostering journey. I enjoy taking care of children and love a busy household, I know it isn't the same in the slightest but could you consider fostering, if you would like children in your life (not just for Christmas, obviously!) and I realise it isn't for everyone. I am not even sure how I will find it yet as early stages.

Our cat also would never wear reindeer antlers etc. Way too degrading so quite right really 🤣

You articulate beautifully but sadly about your predicament. It's ok to be sad at Christmas - I honestly think the majority of adults are if they are honest. As many have said, Christmas heightens and intensifies any issues.

When I'm sad I like to think about happy future times and plan for them. Maybe you could make a list with DH on Christmas Day of all the things you'd like to do together and as individuals in 2022.

Wishing you all the best OP.

@Xmascandoone

What is clear from this thread is that everyone with children is probably exhausted and therefore fantasising about running away to the highlands to live off cocktails and Waitrose canapés for the entire festive season.

Yes.

Yes.

1000 times yes.

Canapés and marguerites. Please...

@SecretSpAD

And when you're childless, possibly single, and miserable at the thought of a lonely Christmas - being told to volunteer and work on what is probably one of the few days you have off is unkind.

Urgh yes fuck that.

I’m so sorry for you OP, I can relate a little bit to the feeling of never having the Christmas you dreamt of. It’s not the same because I do have a child but she has special needs and doesn’t really like Christmas. I’ve been a single parent since the beginning so it’s always been just the 2 of us, no big family Christmas. She’s a teenager now so no Santa or any of that stuff anymore. We will see family on the day but we will just be ‘add-ons’ and my DD will spend large parts of the day in a room on her own as she needs a quiet space away from everyone to be able to cope. It does make me sad but I try to make the best of it and just accept that it will never be what I’d hoped for.

I’m sorry life hasn’t been what you wanted it to be, I feel for you and the pain you have gone through hasn’t yet healed. In time, things will be better, different than you planned, but better than today, It’s perhaps small comfort, but life rarely turns out how you dreamed for anyone, even if at first glance others look to have everything you dreamed of.
My advice to you would be to take it slowly, be kind to yourselves and allow things to develop in their time. I would start by doing a few things together before Christmas Day. Put the tree and the decorations up as you always planned, and each year buy one special one that represents something personal to you both, maybe for example one from a country you have visited, pine cones from a walk etc, so over the years the sentiment is there. Maybe some from your childhood tree even. Plan some festive events, a Carol service or Christmas markets type thing. Maybe book a play or a show, maybe a shoe box appeal donation, or sponsor a child in a different country.
Start Christmas Day with a lovely walk somewhere, go out for dinner or have your favourites at home .something we do which we enjoy is over the year write on slips of paper things that have made you happy or been really funny, just little things and out them in a jar. You could do something similar and have a tradition of sitting for awhile on Christmas Day and reading through them to remember the good times of the past year.

It’s too late for this year, but have you considered fostering? I think the bar is lower than it is for adoption and there is a great shortage of foster parents. Maybe next year you could provide an amazing Christmas for some young children who would otherwise be in crisis? If you started the process now you could celebrate this year as your last easy Christmas on your own and look forward to all the trouble next year.

@Xmascandoone

What is clear from this thread is that everyone with children is probably exhausted and therefore fantasising about running away to the highlands to live off cocktails and Waitrose canapés for the entire festive season.

I love that you can have a sense of humour about this

Anyway, I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you've had such a hard time, and wish you all the very best in having a Merry Christmas x

I would definitely, definitely head off skiing.

A beautiful snowy resort, mulled wine, fondue, hot tub... bliss.

Your post is very sad, I'm sorry it hasnt come good for you OP. There's no answer that can fix the things you want and can't have, so all I can suggest is you focus as much as possible on building your lives around the things you can have and enjoy, and get as much from them as you possibly can - travel, good friends, rewarding work, fun hobbies etc.

The last two years have brought home how we all crave connections, not necessarily friends and family just seeing other humans.
We look at Xmas as a two week ish time, not a day. So work events count, a concert or cinema, Eden Project or National Trust count. Count all the joy.
Get out on non work days & Xmas day - Park Run, local swims, observe or join in, just make connections with other humans, no pressure, no obligations, just seeing others.
Best wishes to you both, you both sound amazing.

OP please don’t think that everyone is having a wonderful Christmas Day. I always have a little cry as I have so many close family members not here anymore. I’m divorced so have had to share Christmas day with my children’s dad. I try to plan the day. To be honest at the end of the day, although I’ve actually enjoyed it I’m glad it’s over for another year.