Who is in the wrong here?

[hoodvic4]

Friend is visiting his hometown with his partner. Group of us went out last night for dinner and drinks. Afterwards friend and partner invite me back to their flat they've rented for the weekend.

It's 1.30 am and I've fallen asleep on their sofa. I am abruptly awoken by friend saying 'you need to go home'. He phones me a taxi and becomes rude to the taxi operator and other taxi taking over an hour. Friend is basically shoving me out the door at this point. So I have to walk home - 3 miles at 2 am. No text from friend to check if I even get home okay.

So this morning I text him and am like what was that about. He replies that his partner was messaging him asking him to get me to leave as he wanted to go to bed. I was sleeping...why couldn't he have went to bed?

This friend I am very close to, he has stayed over at my house I can't even count the times, when he is home visiting without his partner he will stay here 3/4 nights in a row. I run him about here there and everywhere when he is here. I have never ever kicked him out of my house.

I would understand if I was drunk causing mayhem and wanting to party but I was sleeping on the sofa. This morning he is saying it's not a big deal, it's not shocking and won't apologise.

So am I being unreasonable or is he?

@lousanne

His partner is a millionaire, trust me, he wasn't worried about me damaging anything.

We're multimillionaires and it really upset me when friends spilled red wine on a white sofa in rented Airbnb. Ruined my weekend in fact.
What a shitty attitude you have to other people's money.

On this thread: if It makes you feel better to understand your friend's point of view - if I rented a place with DP and his mate came back for drinks and then was staying over uninvited (fell asleep by accident or not), I'd be thinking: great, now we have to be hungover tomorrow dealing with DP's friend. What if he/she stays all day? She/he will def come for breakfast, they don't seem to understand when to leave.

So I'd want you to leave too. BUT I wouldn't kick you out. I'd be fuming with DP and annoyed that romantic weekend is a bit overshadowed, but I couldn't kick out a person on the street at 2am.

yeah, but OP didn't spill anything, so untwist your knickers @lousanne.

And if you don't want people falling asleep on your sofa, don't invite them round late at night "for a drink" after an evening out drinking.

OP,

I am glad you are angry.

You should be.

He is not a friend.

He is utter scum to turn you out on the road to walk home.

He would be blocked and he certainly would never stay in my home again.

He put his boyfriends demands ahead of your safety.

I repeat he is not a real friend and I wouldn't waste another moment on him.

You have EVERY right to be furious.

This is no friend OP. Does not matter how superficially nice his partner has been to you in the past as his true colours have been seen with his selfish and uncaring demand that your friend kick you out in the middle of the night, a line woman, to walk three miles. Especially, especially given recent high profile attacks on women. For the sake of simply waiting one hour to be sure you got home safely, you get my kicked out? Selfish, pure selfish, uncaring people - the pair of them. It is both of them. Your friend very easily could have said, we called a taxi abd it’ll be here in an hour, go in to bed and I’ll be there soon. Plenty of examples as to what a real friend would have done - wait for taxi, put blanket over you (even a coat!).

Clearly emotions running high right now, so just don’t answer him for a while. Particularly as his attempts at gas lighting you to justify himself is akin to pouring gasoline on a fire. What an idiot.

He’s not a friend. The partner is not a friend. That’s proven . They don’t really care about you, your safety, your well-being.

Whether you want to remain as acquaintance is another matter. If so, tell him you’re too disappointed and hurt by both of their actions and you need him to leave you alone for a while, stop giving you ridiculous excuses for treating you with total disregard as he’s only making it worse.

In answe to your question though, he and his partner both are in the wrong. Not you. At all.

@Mummyoflittledragon

What a gaslighting pig to tell you the responsibility should be on you for getting you home, not them. That’s exactly what you were trying to do by phoning around for a taxi. Except you weren’t allowed to wait in the house for one to collect you. The moment they invited you back to the holiday house, your safety was also their responsibility.

I also think this is unforgivable and they’ve truly shown you who they really are and how much you are worth to them. Friend and partner the same. In fact your friend is worse as he should have felt a great deal of loyalty to you and accountability for your safety.

There will be other holiday lets, other opportunities to shag. There can never, ever be another you.

I don't think you understand the meaning of gaslighting. It doesn't just mean 'someone was mean to me and I'm a lady'.

Hilarious how people assume op must be a raging out of control alcoholic cos age fell asleep in your good pals company? Christ, give me 2 vinos nowadays and I’ll sleep anytime anywhere

Yes. They wanted to have sex and regretted you being there
To throw you out is wild. And I don’t care what the reasons are. You take care of your pals (- even if they WERE too drunk! Especially then
I’d have been a statistic,if my pals had chucked me out anytime I was drunk/ inconvenient and the same for them, with me!? )
Mental… imagine if you’d been mugged or worse? How would they have justified themselves to your families and friends?
“ oh well we invited her back, courtesy or not and she had the audacity to fall asleep , not a peep after 1am and it really made it hard for us to have Airbnb sex so we waited an hour before chucking her out…..”
you’d have been hurt if they’d chucked you out at 3pm !?
Up to you if you want to stay pals, but your friendship is waaaay down his list of priorities
If you were 21, you’d probably got a kebab and walked home anyways, oblivious: but not when you’re all adults in your 30s.

PurplePikachu 1030

Why does it matter if the OP is a women? Anybody can be vulnerable walking at night especially after alcohol consumption.

@SoniaFouler
Did you read the OPs comment? Well then, you'll know that the OP was asleep and not chatting to or making a noise with the friend, therefore your second comment makes no sense.

@SoniaFouler
Hands up... saw your third comment. 😲🤭

@AlCalavicci
My thoughts exactly 🕊️🤭

He isn't a friend! You are convenient for him when he needs you. I'd be ending the friendship over this. No-one should be kicking anyone out at 2am regardless of gender or sexuality so long as said person isnt causing it nuisance. Which, as you were sleeping, it's very doubtful you could have been!

So all these blaming the op would be fine if someone kicked their dd out at 2 and told them to walk home.

Plus i dont know why they asked the op back if they didnt mean it.Op took them at their word.She cant mind read.

@BorderlineHappy

So all these blaming the op would be fine if someone kicked their dd out at 2 and told them to walk home.

Plus i dont know why they asked the op back if they didnt mean it.Op took them at their word.She cant mind read.

I agree with you that the OP INBU. But I think you should have written 'your DC', not just 'DD'.

I have two sons and I'd be furious if someone kicked them out at 2 am and told them to walk home alone. Admittedly, a female is a more likely target, but no one should ever be put in a situation that may put them in danger, male or female, and walking alone after dark is dangerous. Especially if they've been drinking.

Sounds like his partner is jealous of you/your friendship

Absolutely end this friendship.

My take from this is friend was shitty, listened to partner and felt they had to get you out, the shoving you out the door bit makes me uncomfortable. Also it’s clear their partner doesn’t like you. Any view from anyone else that was with you in the original group or was it just you three?

@AcrossthePond55 I said DD as the op is a woman.
And all the posts blaming her are women.

As a DM to 5 sons I'd be very pissed off if someone did this.
Especially 30 year old adults who should know better.

It is not and never will be acceptable in any way. He sounds vile to be honest, to do that to you, a woman in this day and age.
I would never speak to him again. He is not your friend.

No man should allow a woman to walk any distance on her own at night or the early hours. Women have been attacked walking around the corner. It’s not acceptable behaviour.

@Misty333

No man should allow a woman to walk any distance on her own at night or the early hours. Women have been attacked walking around the corner. It’s not acceptable behaviour.

Is the reverse also true, given that men are more likely to be attacked, seriously injured, and murdered by strangers?

@PurplePikachu

Just checking…are you a woman? Because anybody who leaves a woman to travel home alone late at night is an absolute dick. If you’re a man then maybe it’s a bit different (although still very rude). If you’re a woman I would honestly end the friendship over that.

Erm...Why on earth is it different if it is a man? Seriously!!

Unless your friend is in a very abusive relationship, he really is NOT your friend.

Judge people by what they do. He put you in an unsafe position to please his partner. I fear he is mainly now trying to ensure that he can still have convenient accommodation at yours. Why must you be a vastly better host than he was?

People have blamed the partner for instigating it, but it was your friend who physically shoved you out the door at 2.00 am - the person who has known your for 15 years and often crashed on your sofa. It was also your friend in a tantrum with the taxi firms and the person who wouldn't let you wait one hour there in safety.

His behaviour is worse than the shitty partner IMO as instead of admitting he put you in danger and apologising, he then bleated about being between a rock and a hard place.. poor man what a dilemma placate my partner so we can have sex or throw my friend out to walk home at 2.00 am. How ever did he make that difficult choice?

He can't admit that and he can't apologise that's why he's saying crap like you should take responsibility for your own safety. I think his reaction was rubbish. Clearly your biggest mistake was trusting him.

If he brings up this old chestnut again tell him the best way for you to take responsibility in future is never go out with friends who have so little regard for your safety.

I'm sorry you've lost a long term friendship on top of being treated like that, it really sucks, but ultimately you've found out now that you just can't trust him and its lucky that this time you had nothing worse than a long cold walk home in scary circumstances and got home safely, but no thanks to your uncaring selfish "friend". The friend who stayed on the phone with you in the middle of the night however is a real keeper!

twll him hw is a toe rag AND never see him again