Who is in the wrong here?

[hoodvic4]

Friend is visiting his hometown with his partner. Group of us went out last night for dinner and drinks. Afterwards friend and partner invite me back to their flat they've rented for the weekend.

It's 1.30 am and I've fallen asleep on their sofa. I am abruptly awoken by friend saying 'you need to go home'. He phones me a taxi and becomes rude to the taxi operator and other taxi taking over an hour. Friend is basically shoving me out the door at this point. So I have to walk home - 3 miles at 2 am. No text from friend to check if I even get home okay.

So this morning I text him and am like what was that about. He replies that his partner was messaging him asking him to get me to leave as he wanted to go to bed. I was sleeping...why couldn't he have went to bed?

This friend I am very close to, he has stayed over at my house I can't even count the times, when he is home visiting without his partner he will stay here 3/4 nights in a row. I run him about here there and everywhere when he is here. I have never ever kicked him out of my house.

I would understand if I was drunk causing mayhem and wanting to party but I was sleeping on the sofa. This morning he is saying it's not a big deal, it's not shocking and won't apologise.

So am I being unreasonable or is he?

@Platax

.....but I didn't damage anything what a strange way to look at it. That's like me saying that my friend can't come to my house because he might damage something, unlikely!

But did the partner know that? If you broke or damaged anything in the air bnb they would be liable and would also have a bad rating on airbnb which might affect future bookings.

You should really have started making a move to leave when you felt yourself getting sleepy. I'd be quite hacked off with any guest who just assumes that if they keel over they'll be able to stay overnight - it's not the same as being invited to do so.

His partner is a millionaire, trust me, he wasn't worried about me damaging anything. He also recently had me at his flat for the weekend and knows I wouldn't damage anything.

I'd rather have no friends than have friends like that, who would put me in that situation...

Value yourself.

Sorry, I just reread post and saw his partner is male. Is your friend bi, could still be insecurity?

Perhaps his partner doesn't actually like you.

In Mumsnet land many choose their friends over their partners as friendships last longer than many 'relationships'. They'll see your friend as being unfair for doing as his partner wanted rather than looking after his friend and having a 'scene' with his partner.

It's pretty crap the way they behaved I'd give the friend the benefit of the doubt here as he may be in an abusive relationship, just remember if future that he may be your friend they probably aren't.

To me the biggest issue is your friend and partner thinking it is ok to leave you out on the street walking home alone at 2 am in the morning. That is the bit that really really matters because that is NOT being a friend!!

The boyfriend’s reason for wanting you gone is irrelevant. Whether or not they really meant it when they invited you round is irrelevant. Your presence on the sofa in a different room wasn’t stopping anyone else going to sleep.

For fuck’s sake in the last year women have been murdered walking around in broad daylight, they’ve been kidnapped and murdered walking through busy areas in early evening, they’ve been murdered when they’re drunk, they’ve been murdered when they’re stone cold sober. Your “friend” will have heard about these things on the news, unless he lives under a fucking rock, and he was still happy to turf you out of the door, alone, in the middle of the night, to walk several miles home. He wouldn’t even let you wait for a fucking cab (although women have also been murdered getting cabs). I wouldn’t even do that to somebody I don’t like. And today he’s defending his actions!

What would he have said if something awful had happened to you? “Oh, well, she’d fallen asleep on the sofa you see and I didn’t want my boyfriend to be cross with me if I let her stay so I threw her out. I was between a rock and a hard place, the rock being the annoyed boyfriend and the hard place being my friend of many years risking being assaulted, raped or killed. I decided the latter was preferable for me.”

What the fuck?! Who does that??

He doesn’t care about your safety, ergo he doesn’t care about you. He isn’t your friend.

You are getting a hard time from some posters OP - oh of course, this is MN, where there are people who sit at their keyboards itching to be contrary over everything!

If a friend of mine kicked me out and left me to walk home alone in the early hours they would be automatically deleted as a friend. It is appalling behaviour.

I find it inexcusable that you were made walk home all that way alone at that time of night! ANYTHING could have happened to you and I don't want to even think about it! Thanks be to God you got home safely, and NO thanks to your so-called friend at all!
If I were in your shoes, I'd ask him how he would have felt had I been attacked on the way home, or worse? I would want him to have a very, very serious think about that! I can't for the life of me understand how he nor his partner could think it was OK! You were crashed out and could have gone home in the morning in the DAYLIGHT! You were not keeping anyone awake at all!
It doesn't matter if the partner is domineering nor if he's weak, just that he put you in a dangerous position and repaid your previous hospitality with what is flat-out unkindness, and putting you in genuine danger! I would be having a serious think about whether I could be bothered with him anymore after him proving he doesn't have my back in that way! You deserve better OP!

You've done nothing wrong and now he's gaslighting you. He has chosen his new millionaire boyfriend over a long loyal friend who's been there through thick and thin.
I'd be keeping my distance. Keep strong op.

Your friend definitely shouldn’t have kicked you out to walk home on your own. Very glad you had a good friend to talk to on the way home. I’m surprised they didn’t just call a taxi for you when you first fell asleep and then wake you when it arrived. If the partner wanted an intimate end to their weekend they shouldn’t have invited you back for a drink!
Definitely would keep friend at arms length and have a cooling off period of him not staying at yours the next few times he is home and just meeting him out with your other friends.

Not sure it's unreasonable to wake you up and ask you to leave. (I've been the person woken on the sofa quite a few times, and don't begrudge it!) However, he should have made sure you were safely in a taxi and, if you weren't, allowed you to stay for your safety.

Ridiculous. This guy is a grade 1 asshole. Nothing should override a woman’s safety; booting you out to walk home at 2am I’d unforgivable. He might say he “made the wrong decision” but it’s not hard to figure out what the right thing to do here is, basically tell his partner to stop whining and go to bed. You should just ghost this butthead from now on.

The thing I don’t feel comfortable with is kicking a female out, at that time to walk home in the dark alone.

I understand they may have wanted private time, but they didn’t even walk you home!!!

Why are posters creating imaginary situations about the OP damaging the air BNB or having an alcohol problem in an effort to justify her pal chucking a lone woman out in the street at 2am? It's bizarre 

@hoodvic4 I actually think you should be angry with your friend. Yes his DP asked him to get rid of you but he's the one who chose to do that. He chose to throw you out, jeopardise your safety and make it clear you weren't welcome.
That's on him

Have you actually told him how vulnerable you felt?

@hoodvic4

He has apologised and said he was stuck between a rock and a hard place with his partner and in the heat of the moment he didn't make the right decision.

Rubbish after-the-fact excuse.

I'd ditch them as a friend, end of.

Glad you are safe and came to no harm due to their dickishness

I think there's a few things here.

Firstly, possibly a lack of sensitivity on your part OP that maybe your friend and his partner might want to spend the night alone for intimate reasons. You accidentally fell asleep - no big deal between friends - but I think it's OK that he woke you up to ask you to leave. It's a very different vibe when you're 1:1 with your friend and when you're a third person playing gooseberry. I think the fact you've stayed over before maybe made you a bit blind to the situation.

Secondly, he said to you that it was all on them to sort out your lift home - is there some truth in this? Did you do anything to try and get transport home or do you sit back in a bit of a huff after being asked to leave, forcing their hand to sort it all out? If so, maybe they've got some reason to feel a bit pissed off with your attitude.

Thirdly, you are pissed off with your friend's partner because he "made" your friend kick you out, and presumably piled the pressure on to just get you out rather than let you wait. You're rightfully angry at him - but I think you're letting your friend off the hook a bit. What kind of person chucks a woman out in the middle of the night to walk three miles home on her own?! Especially when everyone's been drinking so the woman will be even more vulnerable!!! WTAF??! Your friend has acted like an unbelievable shit bag and even if his DP was driving the behaviour, he should also care and have loyalty to you. You should be FAR, FAR more fucked off with your friend for chucking you out, and then shrugging it off when you confronted him the next day. Yes, the DP is also to blame and I'm not surprised you want nothing more to do with him ever again - but your friend gave zero fucks about your well being and put you potentially at risk. And he's the one who's supposed to care about you.

I would honestly struggle to continue with this friendship. He chucked you out in the middle of the night on your own just because his DP was grumpy. He's not a friend. I'm sorry this happened OP but I'm glad you got home OK, and had another friend on the phone for moral support. I think it's a lot easier to pile all the blame onto the DP but the reality of it is that your friend let you down very, very badly and that's who you should be the most pissed at.

@hoodvic4

I actually had to bring it up to him today again. I woke up more angry about it this morning than yesterday and he was texting me as if everything was normal.

One of his replies read, 'Also partner has been so lovely to you etc that weekend you were down and for him to just want to go to bed and for you to go home as we were checking out the next day isn’t a cardinal sin. I apologised as it was a mess the way everything went on with taxis etc and we were all drunk and tired but I think your reaction is just too much. But if you can’t move past it that’s fine obviously I want to remain friends. Also if it was me int hat situation I would have taken accountability for myself and just got myself home. I don’t understand why the onus is all on us for this? If you don’t want to speak to partner moving forward that’s fine. But I think he’s been very nice to you and you can maybe cut him a break for this. But obviously not.'

He then text me a while later asking if we can move past this. Ive said yes but not 100 percent sure that I can but at the same time I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic or not.

I'd be furious with him. And inclined to respond to every single text from him with this and this only:

"I learned this week that you are the sort of man who would make a lone woman walk three miles home at 2am. I never knew that about you before, and I cannot unknow it."

He's such a lying wee shite. His partner has clearly not been lovely to you. And YOUR REACTION IS NOT TOO MUCH! He does not have the slightest right to expect you to 'move past it' - which really means he wants to abdicate all responsibility for his shitty action. He wants you to be his friend when he wasn't yours.

I agree that pushing you out without letting you wait for a taxi was wrong. It's highly unlikely you would have been raped or murdered actually (these things mostly happen in the woman's home) but in any case, it was mean to make you take the risk OR even simply to walk so far alone when tired and tipsy.

It does sound like it came from the partner and that your friend is trying to downplay it because he knows it was wrong but is trying to be loyal to his partner.

I'd suggest giving yourself time to let your anger subside. (Took me weeks / months once for my anger to completely subside following an incident with my sibling).

Then decide if you want to continue to be friends. After 15 years, I suspect you will do. You don't have to forgive but you will gradually forget and, unlike some posters on here, I believe people can make mistakes but still be worthy friends.

Wait till you're calm again before you discuss it with him again OR make the decision not to. Let time help you decide.

His partner is actually a journalist as well so absolutely knows about the stories in the news recently and the dangers of lone women.

Get rid of him. He's not a friend

Well, you've told him you can move past it so that's that.

You should have told him to fuck off and that would have been a better that's that.

A millionaire journalist?

@hoodvic4

He has apologised and said he was stuck between a rock and a hard place with his partner and in the heat of the moment he didn't make the right decision.

Darn right he didn't make the right decision. He allowed his partner to throw you out in the middle of the night to WALK three miles home. He is lucky something awful didn't happen. You know what they say...with friends like that who needs enemies?

@AlbertBridge

A millionaire journalist?

Yes