Who is in the wrong here?

[hoodvic4]

Friend is visiting his hometown with his partner. Group of us went out last night for dinner and drinks. Afterwards friend and partner invite me back to their flat they've rented for the weekend.

It's 1.30 am and I've fallen asleep on their sofa. I am abruptly awoken by friend saying 'you need to go home'. He phones me a taxi and becomes rude to the taxi operator and other taxi taking over an hour. Friend is basically shoving me out the door at this point. So I have to walk home - 3 miles at 2 am. No text from friend to check if I even get home okay.

So this morning I text him and am like what was that about. He replies that his partner was messaging him asking him to get me to leave as he wanted to go to bed. I was sleeping...why couldn't he have went to bed?

This friend I am very close to, he has stayed over at my house I can't even count the times, when he is home visiting without his partner he will stay here 3/4 nights in a row. I run him about here there and everywhere when he is here. I have never ever kicked him out of my house.

I would understand if I was drunk causing mayhem and wanting to party but I was sleeping on the sofa. This morning he is saying it's not a big deal, it's not shocking and won't apologise.

So am I being unreasonable or is he?

I would never be able to be the same with him tbh and probably distance myself for a long time. That's just really horrible?? It sounds like you're really close and comfortable so for him to do that to do is awful. Also for his partner to agree to have a lone woman walk alone in the middle of the night, absolutely shocking. I wouldn't have even text him and would have let them both sweat a little.

Just read your update OP.
Your "friend" told the taxi firm to piss off when they actually phoned back offering to pick you up.
All the taxi firms you phoned said it would take an hour.

At that point he decided he literally couldn't wait an hour for you to leave and threw you out and to take a 3 mile walk home in the middle of the night. He just said you can't wait here you have to leave now?

That's the worst part of all this. The absolute worst. I don't know how he has the gall to brush this off as poor decision making! He should be begging your forgiveness.

Friend is basically shoving me out the door…I have to walk home - 3 miles at 2 am…No text from friend to see if I even get home okay.

No loyalty, kindness, or concern for your safety and well-being. He really didn’t care, did he?

This guy has relied on your hospitality countless times. You’ve provided friendship, home comforts and transportation 3 & 4 days in a row when he’s visited. Yet in one fell swoop he devalued/betrayed you and put you in a distressing and potentially dangerous situation, all to please his unreasonable partner. He couldn’t even be bothered to check on you after your 3 mile trek in the middle of the night.

The partner is obviously a pig, but your major anger should be focused on your alleged friend who has treated you with contempt and callous disregard, in both the deed and the aftermath. He is now pushing you ‘to move past this,’ as he fears he has messed up his lovely hometown accommodation. I wouldn’t be giving him the time of day.

The partner is a bully. Your friend is not a friend. I might forgive him but he’s not actually asking forgiveness, just trying to pretend nothing happened.

Losing a friend is not easy. But imagine he did this to anyone else you care about. Would you still hold him in any regard?

@hoodvic4

He has apologised and said he was stuck between a rock and a hard place with his partner and in the heat of the moment he didn't make the right decision.

Not good enough. Utter crap. Not a friend.

You were running him about here there and everywhere and help him out and let him stay over.

You were his rock.

He can ring his hard place when he next needs any one of these things.

You owe it to yourself.

What a gaslighting pig to tell you the responsibility should be on you for getting you home, not them. That’s exactly what you were trying to do by phoning around for a taxi. Except you weren’t allowed to wait in the house for one to collect you. The moment they invited you back to the holiday house, your safety was also their responsibility.

I also think this is unforgivable and they’ve truly shown you who they really are and how much you are worth to them. Friend and partner the same. In fact your friend is worse as he should have felt a great deal of loyalty to you and accountability for your safety.

There will be other holiday lets, other opportunities to shag. There can never, ever be another you.

It sounds to me like the partner's hospitality was short that day/evening and for whatever reason, maybe you snored and looked ''untidy'' he just wanted you gone. Probably tired, had too much to drink as well so common courtesy went out the door.

I think your friend is stuck in the middle and knows he should have stood up to his partner that night and just said, leave her be.

As your friend's partner is on your social media and you have counted him as a friend, instead of going through the proper one, why don't you pop around and ask what was going on that night for friend's partner want you gone in the early hours?

I don't do confrontation but I think you/he need to stop putting your friend in the middle and cut to the chase with the other one.

ps. you might find long term your friend is more under the thumb than you currently think...

I think a key aspect to this is that you're a woman and they're men. It is significantly more dangerous for a woman to be put out to walk home in the middle of the night than a man. So when you're friend said he'd have got himself home, well the context is different. A decent person would realise that you don't throw women out of houses in the middle of the night. I think the partner was a selfish ruthless prick.

I would never trust them with my safety again! If your going to go out drinking as a lone woman with friends without a trusted chaperone who cares how you get home I am afraid you are a target. I say this with personal experience sadly and as the Police told me at the time it will be very hard to prove because I had two drinks. I hope things have changed but reading the news about spiking recently which is what happened to me nothing has changed and my experience still frustrates me to this day mainly for the way the police reacted and assumptions made. If your a woman assumptions will be made to excuse what happened in fact anything to get rid of the negative crime statistic .
So please choose your drinking buddies very wisely because Your putting yourself at risk of harm. Plus I had a male friend who walked home got his head kicked in developed epilepsy which went on to kill him and my boyfriend also was attacked by a gang walking home after a party . The police were useless and he had hospital injuries. When drink is in the equation you get put in category stupid and treated as so.
If you go out with these irresponsible uncaring friends stay sober because you could need your wits about you. I am angry with your so called friends for making you take that gamble with your personal safety they are selfish as far as I am concerned.

Unforgivable!

*I think if you are drinking so much that you're falling asleep on someone else's sofa after a night out, you need to reassess how much you drink.
*
Why do people keep saying this. It was 1.30 am - I could have had one glass of wine with the meal and done the same (a large meal would be the bigger culprit tbh)

His partner is a millionaire, trust me, he wasn't worried about me damaging anything.

We're multimillionaires and it really upset me when friends spilled red wine on a white sofa in rented Airbnb. Ruined my weekend in fact.
What a shitty attitude you have to other people's money.

On this thread: if It makes you feel better to understand your friend's point of view - if I rented a place with DP and his mate came back for drinks and then was staying over uninvited (fell asleep by accident or not), I'd be thinking: great, now we have to be hungover tomorrow dealing with DP's friend. What if he/she stays all day? She/he will def come for breakfast, they don't seem to understand when to leave.

So I'd want you to leave too. BUT I wouldn't kick you out. I'd be fuming with DP and annoyed that romantic weekend is a bit overshadowed, but I couldn't kick out a person on the street at 2am.

Similar thing happened to me. Waiting for taxi, didn't turn up so was left on doorstep. I hadn't been before so couldnt walk home it was freezing too. Never spoke to her again ( BSC) bitch

"If not, why do ‘man hating’ and ‘victim mentality’ frequently come high in the list when asked why they don’t identify as feminists?"

That's our good friend female socialisation at work

Man hating = not prioritising men
Victim mentality = speaking up about everyday misogyny and discrimination

No I’d approach it like this.
Op: after considering your disgusting treatment of me I’ve come to the conclusion that you are no friend of mine. Consider us done. You’ll have to find some other mug to run your errands for you when you next want to stay in my town.
Our friendship is over.
Enjoy the rest of your life with the cunt you are with. Oh and make sure to tell him that he is precisely that, a cunt.
Then block him and his shitty boyfriend straight away. Make sure you cannot see any of their social media accounts etc.

You were all in the same house, but he messaged him?
Weird.

Should have walked you home, really shitty thing to do

Awful. Came back on because had to write - it’s so sad and 15 years of friendship but I’m not sure I could get over that one. What a fab other friend you had who talked you home.

End Friendship.

One of them might be cash rich but they're both socially poor and lack basic manners. It doesn't matter if its someone they don't know (taxi operator) or a 'best' friend, they treated everyone horribly. Only you know if friend was always like this or if partners lack of social skills is rubbing off (texting? what was that about? what an oddity)

If your being there annoyed the partner fine, for both men to act on that annoyance and put you at risk is not fine. Places aren't 'safe' for women by not being central London, the sad reality is that lone women can be attacked anywhere, wandering round in the small hours is dangerous. Can't bear to throw a blanket over a sleeping friend, call a taxi. Can't get a taxi immediately you wait for one. Can't find a taxi - he/they walk you home. Swearing at the taxi operator is also very telling. Not even bothering to check you made it home is inexcusable behaviour from a supposed friend.

Remind your 'friend' of all the times they have enjoyed your hospitality, and that making you walk alone put you at serious risk. I'm sure they want to move past this but this is one of those times when what you want is the bit that matters, its not their call. You decide how you are treated, not them. Tell them you value the friendship but they have damaged it and you need some space. You may want to return to the friendship in time on a slightly different footing and if so keep things open ended and vague. Not everything requires a scorched earth approach.

And don't have 'friend' as houseguest again (I suspect that's why they want to 'move past this', TBH, for the free accommodation, food and transportation suddenly at risk). Rude, self-involved cheeky fuckers.

I’m not one to like people staying over BUT if someone fell asleep and it was 2am, regardless of man or woman, just basic human kindness would tell me it’s not cool to kick someone out at that time to walk the streets alone. Unless the person was trashing the place ( and even then I would call the police to remove them and not sling them out ) there would be no justifiable reason to throw someone out the safety of the home at that time to walk 3 miles alone!

Be it a 5 month friendship or a 15 year friendship, That friend would be blocked and deleted from my life so fast.. I wouldn’t even want an apology, nor would I say anything to them, I would literally just remove myself and never make contact again.

Wow! That is NOT a friend! Thats a user. You were so lucky you werent harmed on that long walk home. You were vulnerable and he let that happen. I would steer well clear of that user -abusing a friendship.

"the operator said it would be over an hour and he just hung up. The operator then phoned him back and said you hung up, do you still need a taxi? And he said oh piss off and hung up on her again as he was trying to phone other taxis."

What a nasty, nasty man.

Why would you want to stay friends with him?

That is incredibly inhospitable of them. Proper manners and decorum say they should have let you sleep on their sofa for the night. What is it to them that you are on their sofa if they have a bed to go to?

No decent friend would send a woman out to walk 3 miles alone at 2:00 am, especially considering the awful violent crimes that have happened against women this year.

If someone did that to me I would want nothing to do with them.

take accountability? you were trying to phone a taxi that said would be an hour and they still chucked u out

i dont know how you move past this -whther or not the partner has been nice previously is irrelevant