Who is in the wrong here?

[hoodvic4]

Friend is visiting his hometown with his partner. Group of us went out last night for dinner and drinks. Afterwards friend and partner invite me back to their flat they've rented for the weekend.

It's 1.30 am and I've fallen asleep on their sofa. I am abruptly awoken by friend saying 'you need to go home'. He phones me a taxi and becomes rude to the taxi operator and other taxi taking over an hour. Friend is basically shoving me out the door at this point. So I have to walk home - 3 miles at 2 am. No text from friend to check if I even get home okay.

So this morning I text him and am like what was that about. He replies that his partner was messaging him asking him to get me to leave as he wanted to go to bed. I was sleeping...why couldn't he have went to bed?

This friend I am very close to, he has stayed over at my house I can't even count the times, when he is home visiting without his partner he will stay here 3/4 nights in a row. I run him about here there and everywhere when he is here. I have never ever kicked him out of my house.

I would understand if I was drunk causing mayhem and wanting to party but I was sleeping on the sofa. This morning he is saying it's not a big deal, it's not shocking and won't apologise.

So am I being unreasonable or is he?

I actually had to bring it up to him today again. I woke up more angry about it this morning than yesterday and he was texting me as if everything was normal.

One of his replies read, 'Also partner has been so lovely to you etc that weekend you were down and for him to just want to go to bed and for you to go home as we were checking out the next day isn’t a cardinal sin. I apologised as it was a mess the way everything went on with taxis etc and we were all drunk and tired but I think your reaction is just too much. But if you can’t move past it that’s fine obviously I want to remain friends. Also if it was me int hat situation I would have taken accountability for myself and just got myself home. I don’t understand why the onus is all on us for this? If you don’t want to speak to partner moving forward that’s fine. But I think he’s been very nice to you and you can maybe cut him a break for this. But obviously not.'

He then text me a while later asking if we can move past this. Ive said yes but not 100 percent sure that I can but at the same time I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic or not.

@BoredZelda

I'm pretty sure that's for me to decide and I didn't ask for an opinion on my drinking behaviours thank you.

Maybe not but getting so drunk you agree to walking miles home at 3am really isn’t smart.

If her "friend" I use that term loosely says she has to leave, what was she meant to do? Demand squatters rights?

Fuck my old boots he's manipulative.

Doesn't want to lose his free accommodation & lifts OP.
Because he sure as shit isn't talking the language of friendship.

And how the hell did he think you could "take accountability" for there being no taxis available when he so rudely woke you up to throw you out?

Telling you his partner has been oh so good to you is gaslighting fuckery. Don't accept a word of it. You don't need to fall out or have drama. You could simply choose to not be available next time he wants you to play host.

I agree with “hood” if it wasn’t pre-arranged that you’d stay the night it sounds like your friend didn’t consult with his partner before inviting you over and that’s where the partner feels intruded in his own place.
Totally agree though that it was stupid of your friend to kick you out and put your life in danger. Regardless of his partners “awkwardness” around your stay your friend should have stuck up for you to stay not their partner in this case as it was putting you in danger. Pretty selfish of your friends partner to ask your friend to do that as well. Sometimes partners can put that pressure on them I’m sure he wouldn’t have done that if it weren’t for the partner telling him to. Sounds like your friends gotta stand up for himself but in any case, good on you for standing up for yourself as well. That was not right what happened to you.

He's trying to minimise their shitty behaviour by pushing some of the responsibility on to you. He kicked you out, knowing that you had to walk home on your own. They made that decision, not you. Don't think I'd be able to move forward so easily. I'd definitely be avoiding the partner and I'd probably distance myself from friend for a while too. No more freebie stay over for him either!

@Mooloolabababy

He's trying to minimise their shitty behaviour by pushing some of the responsibility on to you. He kicked you out, knowing that you had to walk home on your own. They made that decision, not you. Don't think I'd be able to move forward so easily. I'd definitely be avoiding the partner and I'd probably distance myself from friend for a while too. No more freebie stay over for him either!

I'm definitely distancing myself from my friend for a while. I can't just go back to normal right now, I'm angry. And I very rarely get angry, never mind stay angry.

@IveNameChangedAgain2020

Unacceptable. He's a friend that doesn't give a shit about you or your safety. I'm sorry OP but I'd end the friendship over that behaviour - I could never imagine a friend treating me like this.

If he fully grovelled and apologised the next day I'd consider that it was done under the influence but the fact he shows no remorse would be it for me.

Same here. I would invite him to explain/apologise/grovel and would expect a delivery from Interflora.

I'd still never put him up again but might stay in touch.

In the absence of grovelling apology, that would be the end.

No man should order a woman to walk the streets alone at night.

@hoodvic4

I actually had to bring it up to him today again. I woke up more angry about it this morning than yesterday and he was texting me as if everything was normal.

One of his replies read, 'Also partner has been so lovely to you etc that weekend you were down and for him to just want to go to bed and for you to go home as we were checking out the next day isn’t a cardinal sin. I apologised as it was a mess the way everything went on with taxis etc and we were all drunk and tired but I think your reaction is just too much. But if you can’t move past it that’s fine obviously I want to remain friends. Also if it was me int hat situation I would have taken accountability for myself and just got myself home. I don’t understand why the onus is all on us for this? If you don’t want to speak to partner moving forward that’s fine. But I think he’s been very nice to you and you can maybe cut him a break for this. But obviously not.'

He then text me a while later asking if we can move past this. Ive said yes but not 100 percent sure that I can but at the same time I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic or not.

What a prick.

You weren't stopping his partner going to bed - he could have gone while you waited on your taxi.

You don't leave anyone to walk home alone at that time, that's not friendship, and his attempts to minimise that would be friendship ending.

Has his partner apologised to you? I bet not.

Also, this is a gay male couple sending a woman into the night alone?

But he wants to stay friends with you so he has somewhere to stay for free in the future.

next time he's around, invite him over, then chuck him out at 2am with no taxi and see how he feels...

I think he is looking at this from the male privileged perspective of walking home not being a problem - and I think you need to make it very clear that is the case and it is why you are so angry and until he gets that you arent sure that you can move past it

@JustLyra that was one of the things I said today, I said I've heard nothing from your partner and he has my number and has me on social media. Not a peep from him!

That's the part I don't get - I was sleeping on the sofa and they woke me up demanding I leave. It wasn't like I was in their bed. I know for a one hundred percent fact if the partner wasn't there my friend would have never thrown me out. A 15 year friendship and we have been through everything together and he has never ever done that or batted an eyelid if I've fallen asleep at his (which doesn't happen often but did in the uni days). So I know it was the partner which makes me really dislike him - not just for wanting me to leave but for putting my friend in that situation. In saying that, my friendship is with my friend and he has now damaged that by not standing up to partner.

This is a horrible treatment and I don't think any "Friend" would treat anyone like that. I'm sorry, dear OP.

@Quartz2208

I think he is looking at this from the male privileged perspective of walking home not being a problem - and I think you need to make it very clear that is the case and it is why you are so angry and until he gets that you arent sure that you can move past it

Totally agree with this. And to all the people blaming you for drinking too much, if OP was, that makes it even WORSE, to order a woman who has had too much to drink (not saying you had OP) to walk home alone at 2.00 am it just asking for trouble.. and all because they couldn't let you wait for a taxi and were being rude to the taxi firm. I'd be angry too OP.

And they have the cheek to say that its no big deal? hmm.

[quote hoodvic4]@JustLyra that was one of the things I said today, I said I've heard nothing from your partner and he has my number and has me on social media. Not a peep from him!

That's the part I don't get - I was sleeping on the sofa and they woke me up demanding I leave. It wasn't like I was in their bed. I know for a one hundred percent fact if the partner wasn't there my friend would have never thrown me out. A 15 year friendship and we have been through everything together and he has never ever done that or batted an eyelid if I've fallen asleep at his (which doesn't happen often but did in the uni days). So I know it was the partner which makes me really dislike him - not just for wanting me to leave but for putting my friend in that situation. In saying that, my friendship is with my friend and he has now damaged that by not standing up to partner. [/quote]
That you've heard nothing says a lot. And if your friend has gone from apologetic to "it was your fault too" then that's probably from them chatting about it.

Even if the partner was fuming that you were still there that's just something that you don't do.
You rant at your partner about their rude friend (if he felt it was rude) and you say that you don't want them invited back late at night again because they outstay their welcome. You don't chuck them out to walk home at daft o'clock. Especially a woman.

.....but I didn't damage anything what a strange way to look at it. That's like me saying that my friend can't come to my house because he might damage something, unlikely!

But did the partner know that? If you broke or damaged anything in the air bnb they would be liable and would also have a bad rating on airbnb which might affect future bookings.

You should really have started making a move to leave when you felt yourself getting sleepy. I'd be quite hacked off with any guest who just assumes that if they keel over they'll be able to stay overnight - it's not the same as being invited to do so.

Even if the partner was fuming that you were still there that's just something that you don't do. You rant at your partner about their rude friend (if he felt it was rude) and you say that you don't want them invited back late at night again because they outstay their welcome. You don't chuck them out to walk home at daft o'clock.

I agree you don't chuck them out to walk home, but I think it's perfectly reasonable to say they need to leave even if they do have to wait some time for a cab - so long, of course, that they can wait in the flat till the cab arrives.

After a very recent high profile case showing what can happen when women walk home alone, I couldnt bring myself to talk to anyone who forced me out on the street alone and in a vulnerable state at 2/3am

You are NBU here. Whatever the situation, it is never right for two grown men to let a lone woman walk home alone at 2am. They should hang their heads in shame.

know for a one hundred percent fact if the partner wasn't there my friend would have never thrown me out. A 15 year friendship

He threw you under a bus for a bit of cock OP.
Friends don't do that.

It's ok to feel angry. Bloody disappointing innit. Better to feel anger than sadness, or acceptance of any of the blame he's trying to make you swallow. Give it some distance, then do what feels natural & right to you. It's possible to stay friends with people who has given a major disappointment, but it means holding a bigger bit of you in reserve in case of future shitty behaviour.

You also don't need to make any sudden decisions or declarations, either because this kind of narrative + righteous anger can = impetuous behaviour, or to satisfy any of us gawking randoms here :)

15 years is a long time, & the disappointment must have felt pretty shocking, alongside the sheer slight of being bunged out into the night on Partner's orders. Like you are now of lesser value ... nasty.
But maybe in a few months you'll get some ease & comfort back in the friendship, & decide to continue. You just do what's best for you.

Hi op, perhaps you falling asleep on the sofa is something the partner is fed up with happening.
Still making someone leave at that time is off. I’m surprised gay men would not realise it’s dangerous as they are so often at risk of violence themselves.
But if he has apologised then that’s something. However I would be scaling back the helpfulness.

So dangerous to turn a female out that late at night.
He sounds horrid.
Not a jot was cared about your safety.
Women are far less physically strong than men, and should take great care walking alone.
Having said that, I have been attacked twice, both in daylight , by strange women, not men.
One a mugging, one by a random crazy.

No way should he of let you walk home on your own at that time of night. Even worse not even checking to make sure you got home safely. His partner obviously calling the shots in that relationship, but even so your friend should of insisted you stayed if no cabs available.

If they wanted to go to bed they could’ve walked you home in a pair and got a taxi back if you staying was such a huge issue. There’s no excuse

Shocking behaviour from your friend!

I haven't read the full thread but could his partner be wildly insecure and not want a woman staying over, even on the sofa and she threatened him to make you leave? (Not that that's a valid excuse)