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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend not to bring dog

294 replies

iloveayankeecandle · 21/11/2021 07:10

My friend has a dog. Likes to jump up a lot to start with but then calms down. My daughter hates dogs and my other daughter crawls now so is all over the place. We do not have a dog.
So at Christmas my friend comes over and previously has brought the dog with her. Well my eldest daughter now has a fear of dogs. My husband has said he doesn't want the dog round due to my daughters fear and other daughter being dog height with my crawler. I'm not keen either but don't want to hurt my friends feelings. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveayankeecandle · 21/11/2021 07:10

I suppose my other question is how to I ask?

OP posts:
JazzHandsYeah · 21/11/2021 07:13

Just be honest. Say what you’ve said here. That your DD is terrified and although your friend is welcome, the dog will need to stay at home.

alienbaby · 21/11/2021 07:14

Just get your kids used to dogs.

This is why so many kids these days grow up to have various forms of anxiety

WakeUpLockie · 21/11/2021 07:17

No I would definitely ask not to bring the dog. Christmas is not the time for exposure therapy.

My mum has a big border collie, retriever size, and when you are 1/2/3 that is enormous. Imagine a dog that size relative to your grown up size. That would be scary! Especially if bouncy and excitable/slobbery/breathing all over you.

Overthebow · 21/11/2021 07:17

YANBU. Unreasonable of your friend to expect to bring her dog to other peoples houses, especially with a crawling baby.

Peace43 · 21/11/2021 07:19

The dog jumps a bit and then calms down. So apart from the first 5 or 10 minutes he’s not a problem all day? You sound a bit OTT. If it was me I’d be a bit miffed and do something different for the day. You won’t get a dog sitter for Xmas and it’s not fair to leave the dog home alone all day.

BrassyLocks · 21/11/2021 07:19

You're putting your children's feelings and safety first. If your friend gets offended, too bad. It's your house and if you don't want a dog in it that's perfectly fine. As PP said, just explain the situation.

Original poster
iloveayankeecandle · 21/11/2021 07:19

Thing is, she's always brought the dog and it's been fine. But daughter had a bad experience with a dog since the last visit and I'd really not rather spend the entire visit of having to calm her down and have her hiding in her own home. I also have no idea what the dog would be like with the baby. I just feel really bad. She has no children of her own so her dog is like her baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveayankeecandle · 21/11/2021 07:20

Sorry, should have said it's only for a couple of hours. Not for the whole day.

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 21/11/2021 07:21

I would just say no dog. The dog worship in the UK winds me up. And i have a lovely dog myself.

alienbaby · 21/11/2021 07:22

So is this going to be your daughters life then? Breaking down in parks and cowering around every street corner because she had a bad experience with a dog and you are going to deepen that so it turns into a phobia?

Why dont you tell your friend what happened and see whether your friend bringing her dog can be organised to actually help your daughter overcome her bad experience

GoodnightGrandma · 21/11/2021 07:22

You shouldn’t have to have a dog in the house if you don’t want it.
Just tell her that it’s not to come over anymore.
I’m a dog owner and I wouldn’t be offended, but then I don’t take my dog to other peoples houses.

LadyCampanulaTottington · 21/11/2021 07:22

For her sake, help your daughter face her fear.

As someone who was crippled with anxiety and fear for most of her life, teaching her to face her fear is far more valuable to her than protecting her from triggering the fear.

One frees her, the other keeps her in fear forever.

bakingdemon · 21/11/2021 07:22

DH is allergic to dogs so whilst he loves them we have to ask friends not to bring them round. You should absolutely feel able to say that your kids will have a nicer time if the dog doesn't come to their house this time.

Orchidflower1 · 21/11/2021 07:23

Tell your friend what you’ve said here. She still has time to book a kennel/ make plans.
Your daughter’s Christmas should not be ruined because of the dog.

Yes MOST dogs are friendly and yes the dc do need to be less scared of them BUT Christmas is not the time to invest in this. Too many other things going on, to much excitement/ noise etc.

Be honest and tell your friend today. The longer you leave it the worse it is for you and the harder for your friend to find kennels.

wetotter · 21/11/2021 07:24

Yes, the DC need to become accustomed to and nitfrightened of dogs. But the way to do that is by introducing them gradually to good natured, non bouncy dogs. Not by having a bouncy one visit,

You have to tell your friend straight that you are sorry but the dog cannot visit because it was too alarming for DD1. Perhaps in future, but not now, especially as DD2 is crawling.

If she says that she has nowhere to leave to dog, tell her that if the dog is crate trained, it can come and stay in that in a separate room or tevutility room or in the garage (not her car, risk of theft). If the dog is not crate trained (or youbdint want it, even in a crate) then you' have to say that you'll meet another time - maybe lunch or evening drinks, when you both find sitters for DC and dogs respectively

Original poster
iloveayankeecandle · 21/11/2021 07:26

@Orchidflower1 I think you're right.
I just feel bad about it. But I'll just explain.
My daughter doesn't like dogs. She is happy to walk around a park and be near them. Her fear is not as bad as what some of you have suggested. I just don't feel comfortable having one in what is her safe environment. We are working on her getting closer to friends dogs etc but I feel like having one in her house and all over her is a bit much at the moment and would put our work we've done with her back.

OP posts:
Iamanicepersonreally · 21/11/2021 07:27

I love dogs, but I think you should absolutely ask your friend not to bring the dog with her.
I agree with those who have said that it's important to help your daughter to overcome her fear, but Christmas Day isn't the right time to start doing this.

Original poster
iloveayankeecandle · 21/11/2021 07:27

@wetotter your reply is spot on. We are working on it but I think it's just too much for two hours.

OP posts:
wetotter · 21/11/2021 07:30

Actually, the idea of using the friend's dog as a teaching aid to help,p DD1 overcome her current fear strikes me as a rather good one. But not during a shortbzchrustmas visit.

Perhaps if you put her off for that, you could re-arrange in ways that are productive of the aim helping DS1. After Christmas though, when the house is less busy/full.

If it's been a year since you last saw the dog (if that's what you mean by the dog never having met your now-crawling DD2) then you might find its calmed down a lot. That's not a reason to have it loose in the house at Christmas, just a thought on what may have happened in the interim

Iamanicepersonreally · 21/11/2021 07:30

Also, the dog should be perfectly OK for a couple of hours on its own, surely

RedWingBoots · 21/11/2021 07:31

If the dog is jumpy and you have a crawling baby tell your friend she is welcome without her dog. Otherwise the dog would end up locked in another room.

If she gets offended then she is no friend.

Btw I have one friend who knows her dog is jumpy so that dog has never been around my DD who is 3.

Yogaandcocoa · 21/11/2021 07:34

Say no

I had a similar request recently when a friend asked to bring her puppy to our house when she came to visit us with our newborn

SickAndTiredAgain · 21/11/2021 07:34

Of course YANBU. Not wanting the dog in your house is reason enough.

And as for your daughter’s fear, obviously work on this but having a bouncy dog come to her home for a few hours wouldn’t be the way to start going about this.

Yogaandcocoa · 21/11/2021 07:34

I told her I was uncomfortable so she didn't bring the dog