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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend not to bring dog

294 replies

iloveayankeecandle · 21/11/2021 07:10

My friend has a dog. Likes to jump up a lot to start with but then calms down. My daughter hates dogs and my other daughter crawls now so is all over the place. We do not have a dog.
So at Christmas my friend comes over and previously has brought the dog with her. Well my eldest daughter now has a fear of dogs. My husband has said he doesn't want the dog round due to my daughters fear and other daughter being dog height with my crawler. I'm not keen either but don't want to hurt my friends feelings. AIBU?

OP posts:
Whycantibeapuppy · 22/11/2021 19:36

So I’m the crazy dog lady, no kids and my dogs are my world BUT I absolutely would never take them somewhere they were not welcome and I always ask first. I’ve had a friend mention her little one was scared of dogs and because mine is so soppy with children we arranged a meet outside of our homes to acclimatise the little one to dogs.

It has only been a problem with one friend who had been happy to have my dog there for upwards of 6 months then suddenly changed her mind. Told me whilst we were on our way to hers (halfway through a 2 hour journey) she text saying please leave the dog in the car. I live in Portugal and it was 40 degrees that day. Not happening.

You are not unreasonable at all but so be prepared for your friend not to come round. I have just taken on a second dog, a rescue, and she can’t be left alone so I am currently turning down invitations until she is used to being left home. Even before the rescue, with my current dog I would turn down long term invitations and won’t leave my dog for more than 3/4 hours.

You are in the right but try and be understanding if she chooses the dog over you. For some of us, they are the only children we will ever be able to have ☺️

h1nch · 22/11/2021 19:39

I have a dog snd would always ask if it’s ok to bring my dog, even to friends houses where we have been many times. I think just say “please would you mind not bringing the dog. Youngest is crawling around now and eldest had a bad experience and is apprehensive about having a dog in the house” if they don’t like it they can make a decision about whether or not they still want to visit. Perhaps they could visit with the dog another time when the kids are not around then everyone would be happy - even the dogs!

Tigger1895 · 22/11/2021 19:44

@Peace43

The dog jumps a bit and then calms down. So apart from the first 5 or 10 minutes he’s not a problem all day? You sound a bit OTT. If it was me I’d be a bit miffed and do something different for the day. You won’t get a dog sitter for Xmas and it’s not fair to leave the dog home alone all day.
She invited the human not the canine. Why should she have to do something she is uncomfortable with because a dog would have to stay home alone? I’m going to guess you are the type that would put the kids in the garden and welcome the dog.
1ittlegreen · 22/11/2021 19:59

@alienbaby

Just get your kids used to dogs.

This is why so many kids these days grow up to have various forms of anxiety

Oooooh perhaps she could borrow someone's dog everyday to get the kids used to it? What a cracking idea. That seems totally feasible and I'm sure will be a pleasure for all concerned. Do people rent dogs by the hour?
babybrain86 · 22/11/2021 20:19

YANBU to ask her not to bring the dog, if she's a good friend she will understand.
We had a party (pre covid) and asked our friend not to bring his dogs, although we love dogs their new pup was very, very lively and there were quite a few small children coming.
He brought the dogs anyway promising to keep them on leads, then let them off lead, pup ran into the house and smashed our tv. Turned into an expensive trip out for him!

LizzieW1969 · 22/11/2021 21:08

My DH is allergic to dogs and we also have 3 cats. So that means that we can’t have dogs in our house. It means that meet ups with my DSis and her family happen elsewhere, as they have a dog they can’t put in kennels. We either stay with them or meet up elsewhere.

But surely leaving her dog at home for a 2 hour visit on Christmas Day isn’t too much of an ask for your friend?? It really wouldn’t be fair on your DD to have a jumpy dog forced on her on Christmas Day, which is supposed to be a magical day for young children.

me109f · 22/11/2021 21:42

If you don't want the dog, tell them to leave it at home, or lock it up in their car or tie it to a tree outside.
I love dogs, as do my neighbours. 25 years ago there was a girl, (about 28) with a very large dog hanging around my neighbours house. They were out so I invited her to come indoors and have a cup of tea until they got home, which she did. As she was settled in with her tea I heard a rattling sound and this sodding animal was lifting its leg and pissing on the arm of the sofa she was sitting on. This girl was quite unperturbed, and just watched this animal do its business in my living room. I was furious and just chucked them both out. She gave no apology and didn't offer to help clean up.
Unless a dog is very used to you and a strange house, I have found they can be very difficult unless well trained, sometimes stealing food of racing around skidding on the carpet damaging the carpet.
If you have frightened kids, I would just keep the dog away from them full stop, at least until they are old enough to be at ease with them.

Ellejay67 · 22/11/2021 22:34

As you've decided to stop "gift giving", maybe there's no point in you having people over at all, dog or no dog. I mean you could always move your butt and go to hers for a change? Hopefully she'll move on to some more appreciative friends.

Marvellousmadness · 22/11/2021 22:52

Tell your friend not to bring the dog
But also socialise your oldest with dogs. Don't enable her fear

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 22/11/2021 22:55

Please stand up for your dc. My late mum had a dog and refused to believe anyone could not like being around it. She was utterly blinkered by dog love.

My DS was terrified and cowered behind me whilst my mum belittled her fear. We never went back. My DS remembers
It to this day. Stand up and tell your friend you love her but the dog is not welcome.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 22/11/2021 22:55

Dd not DS.

Mirw · 23/11/2021 02:04

Use your friends dog to get your daughter used to dogs again. Then the situation is sorted.

wetotter · 23/11/2021 06:35

@Mirw

Use your friends dog to get your daughter used to dogs again. Then the situation is sorted.
That's been discussed a few times earlier on the thread, and OP is already accustoming her DC to friendly dogs in controlled circumstances.

A bouncy one in their own home at this stage isn't part of the plan, and I think that's the right call.

Sisad · 23/11/2021 07:43

A widowed nearby friend ( their can opener ) loves dogs & keeps 3 of them indoors , 4 days ago her brown male lab fell realy ill, one vet to other & finally told suffering from salbutamol ( asthma puffer ) poisonlng , this is Spain countryside , gothim stabilised & got homevfoung the puffer on the floor punctured, so he'd had the full dose. Dogs can smell the reidue from it & yes it smell sweet , dont suppose she bothered to read the folleto or can't read Spanish, Security precautions ,keep out of sight & reach of small children .She'll have a huge vets bill & one day she'll have a bad accident or die because of this , I'm tactfully going to get her to get comfy kennels, this past Sunday at the next village along where we have our Sunday sun & coffee a lady ( yes they don't mind talking to English in Spain )told me 2 dogs died in a week for same poisoning , had a beautiful small lab cross in Essex years ago well behaved put upwith small grandchildren mauling her about .Suprise one cold winter morning , she was asleep in her basket with 4 other cats , all snuggled together.

Morgysmum · 23/11/2021 07:53

No, not at all, tell your friend, about your daughters dog phobia, just say she can come but not the dog, this gives her time to find a kennels or someone else to look after her dog.
A normal dog person, would be fine with this, or she could get a bit annoyed and whine about it, but stand firm, she should have trained it better, not to jump up at people,(even if it calms down) it can be done.

Morgysmum · 23/11/2021 08:04

@Mirw, not with this dog.
If she wants a dog, to get over a dog phobia. You don't want one that jumps up. You need a small older dog, which is going to frighten her, then she might want to stroke it, but you cannot force it and from the sounds of it, jumping up. It's probably this dog that has scared her off dogs in the first place. It takes probably longer than just a few days and someone who knows how to help people with dog phobias.

SnozPoz · 23/11/2021 08:43

It's your home and your children - you absolutely anbu. You just have to tell her straight. I have dogs, I love them, but I would never dream of taking them to someone else's house without good reason or asking first... and for Christmas? Definitely not! She will need to get up early and take her dog for a long walk before coming to yours and leave to get back in time for the evening walk. Part of the responsibility of being a dog owner.

LouH1981 · 23/11/2021 09:17

I’m a dog owner with young children. If a friend asked me not to take him to their house I wouldn’t be offended at all. You have to put your daughters feelings first. You don’t want her scared in her own home. Then maybe gradually you can help her with her fear in time.

Valenciaoranges · 23/11/2021 09:41

Dogs can be very frightening especially to small children. They bark, have big teeth that can bite, jump up etc. I am so fed up of how some owners seem to think that dogs are like stuffed animals, all soft and cuddly. They are animals who, if not properly trained of monitored can be extremely dangerous. In the last week alone a large jumped up at me, scratching my leg, leaving me shaking and several other dogs not on leads near main roads, pavements etc. My daughter was bitten on the face by a dog when she was small and has scars which will need plastic surgery. The dog was a much loved pet; this happened in the home.
As a society we have to accept that dogs can be dangerous and that too many dog owners aren't responsible.

PleasantBirthday · 23/11/2021 10:05

@LouH1981

I’m a dog owner with young children. If a friend asked me not to take him to their house I wouldn’t be offended at all. You have to put your daughters feelings first. You don’t want her scared in her own home. Then maybe gradually you can help her with her fear in time.
Why would your default be that you bring a dog into someone's house unless they say otherwise?
WalkingOnTheCracks · 23/11/2021 11:58

@honestlywhy

Why not arrange to meet her outside of your home and let the children stay home with your partner?
To accommodate the dog, you mean?
Tamrastarr · 23/11/2021 16:48

If you don't want the dog, please say so. The people blaming you and your daughter are being ridiculous! My brother always wants to bring his large, excitable dog to our house. I have a dog and my dog really dislikes it. Why should my dog feel upset in its own house? It's like inviting someone you hate over for the day, knowing it will be a nightmare. You wouldn't do it. Some people with dogs are extremely entitled and I hate it when they just turn up and expect that their dog will be welcome

Original poster
iloveayankeecandle · 23/11/2021 17:39

@Mirw no thanks. It's the wrong type of dog to get my daughter acclimatized. Especially over Christmas time. I'm not doing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveayankeecandle · 23/11/2021 17:40

@Ellejay67 wow. Rude. She lives with her parents so not appropriate to go round with two children, plus it's the same problem of her dog being there!!!!
I've asked to stop gifts this year as we are grown ups and I'm struggling to pay for presents for my own children. Let alone a 40 year old woman!

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 23/11/2021 20:06

honestlywhy
Why not arrange to meet her outside of your home and let the children stay home with your partner?“. I had assumed this was Christmas Day?

If it is, don’t be ridiculous.

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