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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask friend not to bring dog

294 replies

iloveayankeecandle · 21/11/2021 07:10

My friend has a dog. Likes to jump up a lot to start with but then calms down. My daughter hates dogs and my other daughter crawls now so is all over the place. We do not have a dog.
So at Christmas my friend comes over and previously has brought the dog with her. Well my eldest daughter now has a fear of dogs. My husband has said he doesn't want the dog round due to my daughters fear and other daughter being dog height with my crawler. I'm not keen either but don't want to hurt my friends feelings. AIBU?

OP posts:
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 21/11/2021 10:45

If it is only for a couple of hours I would stick to what you have always done. And it could be helpful for your child to be around a nice dog - if she had a bad experience and you don't ever let her experience anything different she will develop a phobia or fear which will affect her later.

SecretSpAD · 21/11/2021 10:47

@alienbaby

I've just told her that I want to stop gift giving and that didn't go down too well

I see so this is an attempt to create an outrageous three threader with live updates

And don't forget she's not a parent so cue all the childless women don't understand frothers. Hmm
AnnaSW1 · 21/11/2021 10:53

I'd definitely tell them not to bring the dog. If I wanted to avoid any further comment I might say there's a dog allergy but generally I'd just tell the truth.

PleasantBirthday · 21/11/2021 11:06

Bringing a pet to someone else's house isn't the default. Why would she assume that's appropriate? Tell her you can't accommodate her dog for the visit.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 21/11/2021 11:08

I have a fear of dogs because I was exposed to them! Before I did my paper-round aged 13, I liked dogs. After the trauma of being chased by an aggressive Golden Retriever and dreading posting the newspaper where there was a dog who used to savage the paper, I just went off dogs big-time. I'm nervous now even around dogs although I'm fine with friend's dogs if they are reasonably well-behaved. Strange dogs, nope, don't want to risk it.

We even had a dog at one point, lovely soppy thing, but it didn't change my feelings when I see a new dog running towards me.

I don't know why people think exposure helps that much with dogs; it seems to me dogs are like children, they react in slightly unpredictable ways, and so being around them is never truly relaxing if you are dog-nervous. You might get your dd to like your friend's dog but this might not translate into a love for all dogs, it hasn't for me!

KurtWilde · 21/11/2021 11:08

Just realised OP said her friend is childless and her dog is like her child. Think you're going to struggle with telling her she can't bring her 'child' with her this year.

SeemingSeamstress · 21/11/2021 11:12

So your dh doesn't want it around. Your daughter is the same.

Why would you put not hurting your friend's feelings above those?

They have a right to say if dogs are invited - Frankly rather than being"hurt" now things are different, your friend should be pleased you let this wierd dynamic go on before.

You need to put your family first here. A real friend is someone you could raise this with without the need to walk on eggshells around feeling guilty etc.

"Hey friend, having ddog isn't going to work for us this year. Would still love for you to come but if that's a logistic issue let's plan coffee and a night out instead. Let me know what works best. Friend XX"

Simple. Or it is if she's actually a friend.

ChrissyPlummer · 21/11/2021 11:12

No it’s fine to ask. If I was the friend though, I’d ask you not to bring your DC if you ever go to visit her.

surreygirl1987 · 21/11/2021 11:23

Some of the comments here are ridiculous! Like: "Just get your kids used to dogs.This is why so many kids these days grow up to have various forms of anxiety". No. It's entirely upto the OP who or what she invites into her own house. If someone was scared of snakes and a friend wanted to bring her pet snake would that be okay??
Also, more importantly, dogs can be dangerous. I know for some dog owners they can't imagine their precious pet ever causing harm. But so many injuries and deaths are caused by animals about which that has been said. My brother has a lovely dog. I'm still not going to allow it to roam around with my crawling baby! My child's safety is my priority above all else. I was on a walk a few months ago along a woodland play trail and a dog literally ran at full pelt to my baby's pram (he was about 7 or 8 months old) and dived into his pram and went for his face. I had to literally wrestle the dog off him with my bare hands, screaming GET AWAY FROM MY BABY! Stupid owners came up to me and said 'oh sorry, he's never done anything like that before.' Yeh, there's a first time for everything.

greenpolkadot55 · 21/11/2021 11:36

@iloveayankeecandle

Sorry, should have said it's only for a couple of hours. Not for the whole day.
If its only for a couple of hours then she shouldnt mind leaving the dog at home. Christmas is not the time to begin dog therapy with your daughter. My daughters comfort would mean more to me that your friends feelings.
80sMum · 21/11/2021 11:51

The dog worship in the UK winds me up

I second this! The level of "dog worship" in this country has become utterly ridiculous, in my opinion.

I am frequently astonished by the comments I see on social media regarding dogs; comments that clearly demonstrate that many dog-owners view their pets' needs as being a higher priority than almost everything (and everyone) else's.

So many people with dogs ignore all signs to keep their dog on a lead, for example. Why? They must have seen the signs, so I can only conclude that they deem their animals' needs to be above those of wildlife, the environment and other people.

Dogs are not "fur babies" (what a ridiculous term that is)! They are dogs. Yes, they can make excellent pets and provide companionship. They're loyal and often devoted to their owners and a very close bond develops between owner and dog. But they're still dogs!

Original poster
iloveayankeecandle · 21/11/2021 11:53

@ChrissyPlummer this was literally the response I was waiting for. I wouldn't go to her house anyway cus she has a dog!! So the feelings mutual.

OP posts:
Barbie222 · 21/11/2021 11:56

Ew no. 'Getting used to a dog' is best done away from your own house. I wouldn't accommodate any friends dogs. Meet them outside for a walk and save your carpet.

Sandinmyknickers · 21/11/2021 11:57

Christmas is over a month away...can you not meet uo with your friend and her dog in the next couple of weeks to help daughter feel comfortable around the dog again and see how it acts towards baby?

Santaischeckinglists · 21/11/2021 12:01

Have you got a baby gate up? Suggest ddog can stay in the kitchen.. Remember she is your friend. And her ddog is important to her. Your dd may feel more secure if it is behind a gate. My dd was jumped on by a spaniel at 2. Being friendly but dd didn't know that. We got a dpuppy.
A Rottweiler
..
[grin
Cured dd!! They had a lovely relationship for 10 years...

HunterHearstHelmsley · 21/11/2021 12:07

Why do a lot of dog people assume their dog is invited? I've never invited a dog into my home and yet people have rocked up with them. I can't leave my cat on her own for any length of time so if I'm invited somewhere and no one will be home for her I just don't go. It's never crossed my mind to take her with me.

ColinTheKoala · 21/11/2021 12:10

@alienbaby

Just get your kids used to dogs.

This is why so many kids these days grow up to have various forms of anxiety

Biscuit
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 21/11/2021 12:11

If she is your friend she should be fine and should understand that it is not a good idea this year. It might not be a good idea next year or ever but you don't need to say that. It's just not a good idea this year.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 21/11/2021 12:12

Yanbu. I like dogs and no one in the house is scared of them. We too have a friend who is very attached to his bouncy dog. I like the dog in small doses but don't want it in my house. So I don't have it in the house. It's my house and I can choose not to have dog if I don't want it.

It's fine, friend understands.

ColinTheKoala · 21/11/2021 12:12

@liveforsummer

But it's usually always dogs people want to bring to others homes although I'm sure my friends & family would be equally unimpressed if I rocked up with the guinea pigs in tow

I'd adore it if you brought guinea pigs for a visit, probably wouldn't be wise though, as my terrier would love it too

Grin

I'd love it if friends brought guinea pigs to visit. And I don't have any dogs or cats who would want to eat play with them.

ColinTheKoala · 21/11/2021 12:14

@ChloeCrocodile

Keeping kids swaddled in their safe space probably turns them into neurotic entitled adults yeah

Ensuring children have a safe space at home allows them to be more confident in public because they have somewhere they can retreat to if needed.

As I said on another thread, even if you have your own dog (which the OP doesn't), that doesn't mean you like other peoples' dogs or want them in your house.
DeepaBeesKit · 21/11/2021 12:19

It's a good idea (separately) to help your daughter get over her fear.

However, she doesnt have to like dogs, and shouldnt have to put up with one in her home at Christmas time.

ChrissyPlummer · 21/11/2021 12:21

[quote iloveayankeecandle]@ChrissyPlummer this was literally the response I was waiting for. I wouldn't go to her house anyway cus she has a dog!! So the feelings mutual. [/quote]
Glad not to disappoint then! Do you not like the dog either? I mean, would you go there without your DC anyway or would you also avoid due to dog?

One of my friends is like this. Didn’t want her friend to bring dog to hers but always brings DC to everyone else’s house. My dog is far lessSmile demanding and noisy than children

PleasantBirthday · 21/11/2021 12:22

Children are hardly to be compared with dogs?

AllWaxedOut · 21/11/2021 12:25

I wouldn't be at all offended at someone saying I couldn't bring my dog to their house.

My dog is my problem and I would find an alternative solution or stay home. You're not obligated to have someone's dog in your house, that really isn't a thing. I don't even think you need an 'excuse'.