To ask friend not to bring dog

[iloveayankeecandle]

My friend has a dog. Likes to jump up a lot to start with but then calms down. My daughter hates dogs and my other daughter crawls now so is all over the place. We do not have a dog.
So at Christmas my friend comes over and previously has brought the dog with her. Well my eldest daughter now has a fear of dogs. My husband has said he doesn't want the dog round due to my daughters fear and other daughter being dog height with my crawler. I'm not keen either but don't want to hurt my friends feelings. AIBU?

Actually, the idea of using the friend's dog as a teaching aid to help,p DD1 overcome her current fear strikes me as a rather good one.

Not one that is jumpy.

Plenty of dogs will sit calmly to be stroked.

My DD has made friends with people in the local area whose dogs, all medium and large ones, will sit calmly on command to allow her to stroke them.

I've been working on it with my daughter with another friends dog who is not jumpy and very calm. This seems to be working. So I don't want to undo all our hard work so far.

Some people are batshit about their dogs. The dog should be fine home alone, surely? Your home. Your rules. I agree reintroducing your eldest to her dog slowly would be a good idea. But that would be much better done by joining her on a walk once the dog has had some exercise and is calmer.

YANBU, and I say that as a huge dog lover. It's a couple of hours - the dog doesn't know it's Christmas, and must have occasions when it is alone for a couple of hours on other days of the year. I'd feel a bit awkward too, in your situation, but you don't have time to work on your daughter's fear before Christmas. I'd be massively apologetic, buy dog a little Christmas treat for your daughter to give to your friend (she could choose it). Then do some reading, and hatch a plan with your friend, with regards to gradual exposure to her dog , after Christmas. You might have to start with cute/funny pictures, videos, a toy that looks like him etc. Dogs can be very scary, but I wish your daughter a future where she can experience the love and joy that a dog can bring.

What breed and age is the dog?

I’m always astounded by the amount of people on Mumsnet who cannot be honest with their friends. Just tell the woman what you’ve told us here OP, unless she’s a complete arsehole she could hardly be offended so JUST TELL HER. 🤦🏽‍♀️

I think it's fine but if your friend would need to organise a dog sitter give her plenty of notice as. Christmas is a hard time to find a sitter.

YANBU and it's fine to say you don't want a dog in your house. I'm a dog owner and hate it when owners think everyone wants their dogs around.

However, you do need to work with your DC about her fear of dogs. Christmas is the wrong time to do it, but the whole house as a safe space argument sounds dressed up sounds a little bit like armchair psychology. It's totally reasonable to say no dog in the house, there's no need to dress it up in therapeutic language.

@PinkSyCo I've just told her that I want to stop gift giving and that didn't go down too well. Which is why I'm wondering how the please do not bring your dog will go down.

I am a dog fanatic, I have several and just adore them. My kid has grown up with them. However, some kids are fearful and I think you’re right not to do ‘exposure’ to them in her own home if she’s just going to be frightened. If you do want her to get used to them, find a soft, reliable, trained and gracious breed to use.

YANBU and it doesn't even really matter what the reason is if you don't want a dog in your house.

However I was in this situation with my sister and I know she still holds it against me...

OP, I had the most wonderful, calm, obedient dog for 14 years, I never took her to family members houses that did not have a dog/weren't dog friendly.

Tell it as it is.

I'd tell her of your daughters fear and say you're working on it. Maybe she could help you work on it by meeting up with you both outside?

Hi Friend,
We are really looking forward to seeing you at Christmas - its coming round fast now isn't it! I just wanted to let you know that unfortunately you won't be able to bring (dog) this year as (daughter) had a bad experience recently and has become very nervous around dogs. And with (baby) crawling everywhere its not possible for (dog) to come to our house at the moment.
Hope thats OK, love Candle

I'm just going to be honest with her. I know I need to be, I just didn't know if I was out of order by asking her not to bring the dog when she has in previous years.

Yes we're sorting out DD. I am handling that situation thank you to all concerned about that.

Some brilliant suggestions above, you could also enlist your friend to “help you” - ask if she could be around when you are outdoors in different park, play, walk situations after Xmas, in the spring....you are trying to help your child overcome their fear through a slow process of familiarisation, games and different encounters......(in places away from her safe space at home - as you mentioned)

I had two young nieces who refused to get out of the car when visiting me whilst I had dogs staying. Chuffed that now they are adults, both are employed full time working with dogs! 😊

It really is a "your horse, your rules" situation. If telling her doesn't go down well, she isn't much of a friend.

I don't want dogs in my own and people know that and accept it. At least to the extent that they don't moan to my face, which is enough.

YABVU to start this thread which is a blatant attempt to stir up the anti dog frothers. They love this, it will end up with 10 pages of ever more hysterical stories. I’m not even a big dog lover and don’t understand people who call dogs their children, however, the multiple threads are starting to get ever more common and weird.

You’re a grown woman, it’s your house. Tell the woman you don’t want the dog in the house. Job done. No need to start a thread listing ‘reasons’ why you and your family don’t like dogs ‘one looked at my child funny’, one dribbled near me’ etc etc. It’s beyond boring and weird now.

*in my home. Ugh. Edit button now.

Perhaps bring the dog if they have a dog gate they can bring to keep the dog contained?

Great that you are just going to be honest and tell her she can't bring the dog. I'm a dog owner and I wouldn't dream of bringing my dog into someone's house unless I was 100% sure that they actively wanted me to, and that they would enjoy him being there. If your friend is offended at all by your decision, she is unreasonable.

I've just told her that I want to stop gift giving and that didn't go down too well

I see so this is an attempt to create an outrageous three threader with live updates

Why not arrange to meet her outside of your home and let the children stay home with your partner?

I love dogs, but the bouncy dog has caused the fear, so just allowing the dog to be brought along with no ability to separate the dog and children isn't fair.
Your home is the place where your children should feel safe.
They can't remove themselves from the situation.

YANBU to ask, I have two under two and my mums dog can be manic (in a nice way, not harmful just exciteable)

I'd never go to her house and ask her to put the dog out, it's the dogs house too. But if she was coming to mine, especially on Christmas id ask her not to bring the dog because my house isn't suitable and there could be accidents