Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that it bothers me how much he spends at Christmas?

320 replies

GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:01

My husband spends what I feel is a stupid amount of money at Christmas on his children.

AIBU that it bothers me? I gave up a long time ago contributing much at all to their Christmas presents because it's just ridiculous imo and I don't want to spend my money on it.

It just bugs me every year when be starts mentioning everything he's going to buy but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because obviously he can spend "his" money on what be likes.

We have sort of joint finances but still have our own accounts.

He typically spends his entire works bonus on Christmas presents for the children and I'm left spending mine on everyone else's / taking on more of the shopping etc to cover it.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 22/11/2021 17:53

@GrownUPChicken

But why are you paying for his family’s presents?

I guess because I like my PILs and nieces and nephews and don't want them to get nothing just so he can keep up with this farce every year.

Grrrrr. HOW do so many men get away with this? (I've been guilty of this specific form of financial & administrative martyrdom too though, in my unwise youth.)

It's outrageous that you've asked him to contribute to the extra present & xmas costs this year, & he feels entitled to counter with he'll let you know after he's splurged on his own DC.
What would happen if you TOLD him that this year, he needs to stop relying on you to top him up financially, because he needs to budget for his proportion of the xmas extras BEFORE buying for DC?

You might also consider telling him that he's buying his own family's presents this year, while you carry on buying for your own. Make sure you mention this to his family, make it an aside or whatever so it doesn't come over as 'pointed' - but really - he is allowing social convention & WomenBeKind&PickUpTheSlackForMen to make you feel guilted into not letting his family down. Expose his dirty little assumptive guilt-trip for what it is by naming it - no need for confrontation, just "oh, DH are sharing the job of present-buying this year, he's doing his side & I'm doing mine, much easier all round" ... just breezy, matter of fact conversation. Then if he lets his family down or buys unsuitable crap. at least you don't have to feel bad - or be made to look 'bad'.

It's not even the money is it - altho' I agree what he spends on his young DC is obscene - it's the fucking entitlement & total lack of respect.
Don't let this fester inside you with unspoken resentment OP. He's being unfair, assumptive, & arrogant, & it's not surprising this issue has become a bone of contention for you.

ChargingBuck · 22/11/2021 17:59

Yes I have but I just missed that bit, but with the rude attitude you have I can see why you don't like him spending his own money on his own children, because their not yours.
They was around long before you and are not going anywhere get used to it and let him spend what he likes.

Don't be ridiculous @lisaandalan.
By over-spending on his DC, he is making the conscious choice to 'force' OP into paying for 100% of all the other presents, including his own family members, & extra xmas costs. So he's deliberately blowing his budget & just assuming it's now ok to make OP pay for everything else that needs to be spent.

That's not about whose kid 'belongs' to who.
It's a whole litany of entitlement & spending other people's hard-earned cash for them.

AnnieSnap · 22/11/2021 18:01

Have you talked to him, when you’re both calm and you know he will listen and not be distracted? If not, explain in detail what you have said here. Tell him this is unsustainable and that you are not going to buy all of the other presents and Christmas food this year. That he must contribute 50% of the cost of your shared children’s presents, 50% of the family food and enough to buy the presents for his parents. If he is not willing to meet you half way, then the only option I can see is that you make it clear that he has to sort out the presents for his relatives. Tell him you will buy the gifts for your children, but ask does he see leaving this to you a long term option. Of course you have to buy food for Christmas too, but I wouldn’t be buying any of the things that would be mainly for him. He needs to be forced to think about the consequences of his choices.

Dishwashersaurous · 22/11/2021 18:06

You need to include Christmas presents for your families and your child in the joint household budget that you both contribute to.

If he wants to then spend his money on his children that's his choice

But core expenditure needs to come out of joint account

wellstopdoingitthen · 22/11/2021 18:20

How does the mum feel about this?

elbea · 22/11/2021 18:26

We might be mad but I think it’s really easy to spend £600 on children at Christmas. Toys are so expensive.

We’ve spent about £400 on our one year old - a toy kitchen, wooden food for the kitchen, a little armchair, some books, a disney doll, a jigsaw and two new outfits. I don’t think it’s necessarily that extravagant, we haven’t bought piles and piles of toys. Once you’ve got an older child a console, a few games and stocking fillers you’d easily be over £600.

ZenNudist · 22/11/2021 18:34

If you can't communicate on this then that's a bigger problem. He should give towards the food and other family gifts.

Christmas presents rack up. A console or bike or mobile or laptop easily takes it into the budget you are talking about so Id expect that for your joint dc as he grows. Clothes really add up too. I've spent £300 getting a couple of nice outfits per child and boots to be well dressed for a family photo and over Christmas. The outfits were from next but ds1 is in man's size shoes so cost £80. Trainers are also expensive. I'm just pointing out money doesn't go very far.

All family money should be joint so I don't sweat who pays for what out of dh and I. He spends a fortune on his parents and brother but not every year. They buy each other ipads or expensive watches. I buy for my parents a jumper or pj's! I guess it doesn't matter as I have enough money. If your budget is tighter I can see why it would bother you.

It's really hard to rein it in. It looks so meagre if you go back to a sensible Christmas budget. I guess you and dh are going to have to try and compromise.

Grida · 22/11/2021 18:39

If this is the only thing he overspends on then I would just remind him that he needs to be fair on all the children and then leave him to it.

Mandyjack · 22/11/2021 18:44

@GrownUPChicken

My husband spends what I feel is a stupid amount of money at Christmas on his children.

AIBU that it bothers me? I gave up a long time ago contributing much at all to their Christmas presents because it's just ridiculous imo and I don't want to spend my money on it.

It just bugs me every year when be starts mentioning everything he's going to buy but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because obviously he can spend "his" money on what be likes.

We have sort of joint finances but still have our own accounts.

He typically spends his entire works bonus on Christmas presents for the children and I'm left spending mine on everyone else's / taking on more of the shopping etc to cover it.

If you are buying presents from both of you for friends family ask him to go half
Madreamigajefa · 22/11/2021 18:55

I'm more of a scrooge but my partner loves spoiling our kids. We didn't receive a lot in well thought out gifts or time from our respective dads growing up living without them, so even though I sometimes think my partner goes overboard, I understand how important being able to identify things that will bring them joy is and how important it is for him that they perceive dad as making things amazing for them. His family and friends don't really buy for each other. If this was the case for your partner previously, he may not consider the expenses for other people's gifts. He is not dipping into your day to day living costs or joint account. Even if the money bothers you, do you want the conversation to be had between dad and children when they are fully grown of "why did you go from buying us things like xxx to just y?" and him say "[you] resented me spending money on you." if you want to pursue this, it's worth considering if you resent it because the presents are excessive or if you resent other money he spends on them because you may find that it gets heated and is seen as you trying to assert your importance above theirs.

inappropriateraspberry · 22/11/2021 18:59

Surely the obvious solution is that he buys his family's gifts, you buy your family's gifts and then you split your DC and food shop.
It's up to you then if you want to contribute to SC gifts, or get them a small something yourself.
He needs to wake up and realise he is favouring his first children over yours and that is not fair or sustainable. It should be equal on all children.

Madjakelmum · 22/11/2021 19:28

That’s not a stupid amount.
Games consoles are £500 plus.
Games £60 plus
Trainers £100 plus
Clothes can also be really expensive

I spend about £500 each on my 3 children and £300 each on grandchildren

Mellowyellow222 · 22/11/2021 19:38

There are two very separate issues here, which you have conflated.

You strongly object to the amount of money he is spending on his children because you think it is ridiculous. Yet for many people that is what they spend. At that age kids are getting iPads and computer consoles etc plus presents to open. Obviously not everyone spends that much - but many do.

He can’t afford to spend that much and it leaves him unable to contribute to other Christmas costs. He is also not treating g his children equally

Focus on the second issue - that is the issue that should concern you.

Tigger1895 · 22/11/2021 19:53

@Cocomarine

I daresay that in all honesty, my husband would think I spend far more than necessary on my (not his) child, and more than he ever did on his adult children. I actually spend more on my adult stepchildren than he does!

However, I consider that none of his business - as does he. My money, my child. I’ve earned it and my contribution to the household is fine and fair.

In what way are you going short because of this?

Oh, you dare say???? How far up your own as s are you? She explained that as a result of his spending, she has to cover other costs.
DaisyStiener · 22/11/2021 19:56

You’ll just need to divide it
Same equals peaquals on his children and your children together. Should be standard
If you say £500 for each , but you’re unhappy to go OTT - I’d expect the leftover equivalent in your Dcs savings account. See if his DC are buzzing that they’ve got memories of plastic crap but your own DC has a deposit for a car when 18 …

Next : budget for everyone else, and divide.
I buy for my side, as DH wouldn’t even think of what to get so I just stopped sorting it out for him.
He has about 2 people, and I’ve a million

Christmas just sort of HAPPENS to men….Hmm

Bleachmycloths · 22/11/2021 20:20

Guilt.

Gliderx · 22/11/2021 20:22

Don't buy for his family
Buy what you want for the food shop and tell him to buy his own stuff since he hasn't contributed.
Don't tell him how much money you have in your account. Or better yet, tell him you've splashed it on a Gucci handbag and won't be able to sub him this Christmas. Because it's your money.
Your LO is still young and won't notice if they don't have expensive presents. Spend what you feel comfortable spending on them.

If his money is his, then your money is yours and yours alone. Not shared money.

bellocchild · 22/11/2021 20:24

Can you possibly set a budget for Christmas well in advance, and work out how much it will be each if you halve it?

restingbitchface30 · 22/11/2021 21:19

Nope it’s a ridiculous amount. My kids are 16 and 18 and I’ve never spent more that 200 on them at Xmas or birthdays. It’s usual around the 100 mark each. Why are people so materialistic?

GoodnightGrandma · 22/11/2021 21:23

I feel your pain. My DH does this with his family every year, it’s almost like a competition to outspend his siblings.
It makes me furious every Xmas.

AnnieSnap · 22/11/2021 21:39

@Madjakelmum

That’s not a stupid amount. Games consoles are £500 plus. Games £60 plus Trainers £100 plus Clothes can also be really expensive

I spend about £500 each on my 3 children and £300 each on grandchildren

It is a stupid amount. Kids don’t need a play station or an iPad every year. No wonder the planet is dying. Justify it all you want, but it is a ridiculous amount which just feeds materialistic attitudes and consumerism in the next generation.
Mellowyellow222 · 22/11/2021 21:47

@anniesnap for families who can afford it £500 is easily spent on a child. Some years it’s a bike which can cost A couple of hundred quid, plus a couple of Lego sets, some computer games, board games, a few bits of clothes, pjs etc/. It adds up very quickly. A laptop for a teen will also cost a few hundred easily.

Also buying more expensive items isn’t necessarily worse for the environment: and I don’t think many people are buying an iPad each year!

ChargingBuck · 22/11/2021 21:57

how important it is for him that they perceive dad as making things amazing for them

& how amazing for his 3rd child, who he doesn't buy anything for, leaving it up to OP, & not even knowing what she has bought their DC.

He is not dipping into your day to day living costs or joint account

Yes he is, @Madreamigajefa. He overspends on his own 2 DC in the knowledge that OP will have to step in & pay for his 3rd child's, all his family's, & all the extra food & xmas expenses out of her own money.

you may find that it gets heated and is seen as you trying to assert your importance above theirs

As opposed to him spending all his cash on his 1st 2 DC, so asserting their importance over his 3rd DC, who he doesn't buy anything for?
How have you got this so twisted?

AnnieSnap · 22/11/2021 21:59

[quote Mellowyellow222]@anniesnap for families who can afford it £500 is easily spent on a child. Some years it’s a bike which can cost A couple of hundred quid, plus a couple of Lego sets, some computer games, board games, a few bits of clothes, pjs etc/. It adds up very quickly. A laptop for a teen will also cost a few hundred easily.

Also buying more expensive items isn’t necessarily worse for the environment: and I don’t think many people are buying an iPad each year![/quote]
I agree that these more expensive things are appropriate. I have bought them for my own kids. My point is £500 plus is crazy every year and people are saying this is what they spend every year.

altiara · 22/11/2021 22:37

£600-900 each! That’s a ridiculous amount to spend when they are getting presents from their mum as well. How you can spend that on an 8 or 12 year old every year is astonishing!
If he’s got eg £1500 to splash, then he can easily buy all 3 DC big presents (doesn’t have to be absolutely equal) and put money away to save for eg driving lessons or something. They’ll be so much happier when they’re older. And still have money to spend on his family.