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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that it bothers me how much he spends at Christmas?

320 replies

GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:01

My husband spends what I feel is a stupid amount of money at Christmas on his children.

AIBU that it bothers me? I gave up a long time ago contributing much at all to their Christmas presents because it's just ridiculous imo and I don't want to spend my money on it.

It just bugs me every year when be starts mentioning everything he's going to buy but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because obviously he can spend "his" money on what be likes.

We have sort of joint finances but still have our own accounts.

He typically spends his entire works bonus on Christmas presents for the children and I'm left spending mine on everyone else's / taking on more of the shopping etc to cover it.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 21/11/2021 19:03

Spell out now that he has to put xx amount into the joint gift pot, and the food shop pot, this month so that you don’t end up out of pocket again on December. Then whatever he has left next month he can spend on his kids

Wouldn’t matter. OP said:
“ I do make it up in the sense that I'm the one who then buys everyone else's presents because he can't.”

Even if I weren't though I'd still be pissed off about it.

The stuff being added about what she is paying for is irrelevant, she is making some sort of point about spending a lot on children at Christmas.

BoredZelda · 21/11/2021 19:04

How about you sit down with him decide a budget for each child and do it all together

How about he decides how much money he spends on his children?

shiningcuckoo · 21/11/2021 19:16

"Tell his family that the wifework is getting to you, and DH will be responsible for all presents etc on his side of the family. Then sit back and shut up. He can deal with it. Why do you think it reflects badly on you? It's his fucking family. "

I did this with my ex and his family. He was an ex and living with his lady friend aka the OW. I received an outraged email on the day after Boxing Day from his sister about where the presents were for her late teenage kids. And apparently my petty squabbles with her brother were nothing to do with her. I should still be sorting presents.

lockdownalli · 21/11/2021 19:20

@shiningcuckoo That's so funny.

It was my fault that XH forgot his own DM birthday a few months after we split up!! Grin

PinkWhistle2 · 21/11/2021 22:04

@BoredZelda

How about you sit down with him decide a budget for each child and do it all together

How about he decides how much money he spends on his children?

He can. So long as he pays equally for his other child. Looks like joint DC should be getting £600 from daddy in their savings this year.
Werehamster · 22/11/2021 00:24

How about he decides how much money he spends on his children?

So, you think that he spends 600 pounds on one of his children and zero on another child is ok?

i think the problem is that you can't make him a better father to his youngest child. If he wants to spend all his money on his oldest children and nothing on his youngest chid, there will be resentment caused by that and problems with his marriage and that's entirely on him.

I still think the OP should talk to him and explain how wrong the situation is and how he needs to contribute to his youngest child's Christmas as well as pay for the presents for his family and pay half for the food. If he still refuses, you have a bigger problem.

Coronawireless · 22/11/2021 08:01

Older children’s gifts cost more. So it’s ridiculous and unaffordable to put money into the younger child’s account every time he buys something for his older children. Are we saying that when the older children have left home and you’re buying the expensive teen gifts for the younger child and taking the younger child on holiday that you should put that money into the older children’s accounts each time too?

Coronawireless · 22/11/2021 08:04

His children. His family. Literally all OP needs to do here is choose an age-appropriate gift for her own child and ask him to contribute. Deciding for him what he should spend on any gifts for HIS family is controlling.

AnkleDeep · 22/11/2021 08:13

Put your foot down, OP. Tell him he needs to give you half of the money for your family Christmas - present for mutual DC and food. And he needs to buy the presents for his family and you'll see to yours.

He's taking the piss.

SydneySquare · 22/11/2021 08:25

You need a shared pot, money put together by both of you to buy everything for Christmas. If you put in say £1000 each, then EVERYTHING for Christmas has to be paid for from there.

As the parent with an exH who bought huge presents for our DC's - it leaves such a sour taste. I scrimped and saved, worked tirelessly to provide simple Christmas traditions and fun. Made massive efforts. He'd have the kids for a couple of days and they'd return with 'daddy had bought us a motorbike each'. I felt rubbish. ( tho of course they never did learn to ride them properly as he didn't have the time or will to help them).

happydramatic · 22/11/2021 08:36

Yanbu. You have to take the emotional embarrassment and hit this year of not buying for his family. Give him plenty of notice (and ideas, as you seem to do the brain work too). But then leave it. He'll have nothing to give Christmas Day.
Is the food shop ordered online? Can you ask him for cash for it? And his contribution towards your DC? Apart from your child's gifts and your family, I think you need to scale back to physically illustrate to him that money is finite. He chooses to splurge it all on his kids- fine, but parents and tummy miss out. It won't be easy.

CurzonDax · 22/11/2021 09:18

OP - did you speak to him yesterday evening (I believe I read earlier in the thread that you said you would)? What was the outcome of the discussion?

Chamomileteaplease · 22/11/2021 09:24

Is he always so emotionally unaware?

He sounds hard to live with.

aSofaNearYou · 22/11/2021 09:29

@Coronawireless

His children. His family. Literally all OP needs to do here is choose an age-appropriate gift for her own child and ask him to contribute. Deciding for him what he should spend on any gifts for HIS family is controlling.
Except he expects her to fund all of the other parts of the Christmas they share. Honestly your responses are so biased it's like you're not reading anything that's been written.
Coronawireless · 22/11/2021 11:14

I suspect it’s the OP who has decided to buy the gifts for her in-laws not her DP at all. He quite rightly would prefer to spend the money on his older DC.

Coronawireless · 22/11/2021 11:17

Far more wasteful to spend money buying gifts for in-laws than spending it on his own DC whom, yes, he probably does feel guilty about.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/11/2021 11:23

£600+ each is a lot, It'd be fair enough and his choice if he could afford to contribute to other presents as well but he's expecting you to do that and that would piss me off

timeisnotaline · 22/11/2021 11:27

I would have a wake up call year where I buy nothing for his family and totally skimp on Christmas food, just buy something you love and some thing dc loves. I’d tell him he has to cover half of the family gifts and food and he can do the buying for his family. Then warn him a week out that you haven’t bought anything and have only ordered x y z for Christmas food- dc will still think it’s amazing so that’s fine. It’s the only way to be clear that you aren’t funding this ridiculous competition. The answer to how much do you have left in your account is ‘enough to buy the remaining gifts for my family and our dc presents and some of the Christmas food, like I told you. Not enough for all the Christmas food or your half of the family gifts. If you have to open another account and move money to it.

Coronawireless · 22/11/2021 11:28

@timeisnotaline

I would have a wake up call year where I buy nothing for his family and totally skimp on Christmas food, just buy something you love and some thing dc loves. I’d tell him he has to cover half of the family gifts and food and he can do the buying for his family. Then warn him a week out that you haven’t bought anything and have only ordered x y z for Christmas food- dc will still think it’s amazing so that’s fine. It’s the only way to be clear that you aren’t funding this ridiculous competition. The answer to how much do you have left in your account is ‘enough to buy the remaining gifts for my family and our dc presents and some of the Christmas food, like I told you. Not enough for all the Christmas food or your half of the family gifts. If you have to open another account and move money to it.
I’d be willing to bet that her DP would be perfectly happy with this!
LolaSmiles · 22/11/2021 11:30

I suspect it’s the OP who has decided to buy the gifts for her in-laws not her DP at all. He quite rightly would prefer to spend the money on his older DC
I doubt that. He also very conveniently doesn't pay his share of Christmas expenses too and doesn't pay towards gifts for his child with OP.

I imagine it's more like Disney dad throwing money at his older children and relying on OP to plug the rest of his spending.

'Sort of merged finances' in these situations often means one partner, usually a man, spending their money on what they want whilst the partner bails them out repeatedly.

PinkWhistle2 · 22/11/2021 11:42

@Coronawireless

I suspect it’s the OP who has decided to buy the gifts for her in-laws not her DP at all. He quite rightly would prefer to spend the money on his older DC.
Are you him?
PlanktonsComputerWife · 22/11/2021 11:45

@GrownUPChicken

He's even openly in previous years said he wants to make it 'better than their mum's'. So he absolutely does it with the intention of spoiling. I get it's nice to spoil your child but it's ludicrous.
He sounds like an absolute prick, tbh.
Itsnotallaboutyoubaby · 22/11/2021 12:28

Tell him he needs to buy his families gifts and put some money in for the food

ElvinBoys · 22/11/2021 17:39

I personally don’t think it’s a ridiculous amount to spend at the ages they’re at and think that if you choose to get in a serious relationship with someone who has children then you take them on too.

Youseethethingis · 22/11/2021 17:43

@ElvinBoys
It's a ridiculous amount to spend if you can't afford it, which this guy can't if he's dropping the rest of his obligations for OP to pick up. Including his youngest child, who he knows he now has, it's not a secret.