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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that it bothers me how much he spends at Christmas?

320 replies

GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:01

My husband spends what I feel is a stupid amount of money at Christmas on his children.

AIBU that it bothers me? I gave up a long time ago contributing much at all to their Christmas presents because it's just ridiculous imo and I don't want to spend my money on it.

It just bugs me every year when be starts mentioning everything he's going to buy but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because obviously he can spend "his" money on what be likes.

We have sort of joint finances but still have our own accounts.

He typically spends his entire works bonus on Christmas presents for the children and I'm left spending mine on everyone else's / taking on more of the shopping etc to cover it.

OP posts:
Dibbydoos · 22/11/2021 22:50

If it affects your household budget then he should reign it in. He may be spending that much through guilt. You should talk to him.

Good luck

suzy2b · 22/11/2021 23:22

tell him you need the money before he buys his kids presents or there will be no christmas in your house and yes it's a stupid amount of money

Stressybetty · 22/11/2021 23:47

£600-900 is a ludicrous amount to spend and agree it does smack of guilt. I would wonder how the SC's mother reacts to the gifts and money spent and if she's simply telling him what the kids want/need each year and encouraging him to spend? My DH has not seen his DD for a few years at her choice and only had communication through his ex which has also now ended. We have had years of him overspending on birthdays and Christmas. This year as she is getting older he has re thought the situation and just sent a birthday card with some heartfelt wishes and we will see if she chooses to contact him.

Foxylass · 23/11/2021 00:31

This is crazy! You are amazing to have put up with it.
I have a stepchild and we have 3 together - all 4 get the same budget.

Way to move forward - write a list of people you'll (as in you and your OH) be buying gifts for, special foods and drinks you'll be buying, any new decorations etc.
Share the list with him and ask him what he thinks is a suitable budget and agree with him that you'll be paying 50/50.

If he suggests silly money for the older children and a lesser amount for the younger - point out the discrepancy and suggest it be balanced by a contribution to a savings account.

Good luck.

Mirw · 23/11/2021 02:09

You can't buy your children. He will realise that when they ask for things he can't give. Presents do not get rid of the guilty conscience. He should look to cut back on the presents and spend quality time with them instead.

Jengnr · 23/11/2021 03:11

@BluebellsGreenbells

I think you both have the same attitude.

He buys for the kids through guilt

You buy for his family through guilt.

He’s not going to stop until you stop.

It’s a cycle you are helping perpetuate

It’s not guilt, it’s one upping the mother. That’s why he has so much glee about it when he doesn’t for all the other presents that need buying.

The Disney Dad Christmas Special.

It’s a shit state of affairs to think your child will only get a decent present off him if you divorce.

Ddot · 23/11/2021 07:38

You need to make it clear that your not paying for gifts for his family this year. He needs to at least put half towards all the gift buying and the cost of food.. he can then work out how much is left and blow that amount on his older children. I also think he should be spending same amount on all the children, maybe put that amount in account for when the kids hit 26

Iziz · 23/11/2021 07:58

I think it’s too much too but it’s very tricky to approach as they are not your kids and you might come across bad and if the amount he spends on them drastically goes down it will be obvious and I bet anything you will be blamed for it , I think let him spend what ever he wants but them come up with a budget for all the other presents and split the cost in half but don’t pay for his kids presents as he spends enough already or pay for your side and he can pay for his side of the family and split food cost in middle

jontyl · 23/11/2021 08:27

Some people just like christmas

aSofaNearYou · 23/11/2021 09:26

@jontyl

Some people just like christmas
And getting other people to pay for theirs?
MammaMacgill87 · 23/11/2021 11:21

Darling husband, this year I'm ONLY buying for DC and paying for the Christmas food shop. Every year I'm overwhelmed with not only paying for but sourcing a whole families gifts and also keeping enough cash to get us through December. This year I just want to enjoy it without worrying about money. So you better add gifts for your family to your list so noone is missed out. Leave it at that and stick to it. If come Christmas he's miffed that you didn't organize and sort it all remind him that you told him it was his responsibility. How much he spends on his children as a giant middle finger to his ex (let's be honest that's exactly what this is, he wants the gifts to be better than their mum's ones) is not the point, the point is that he's neglecting your shared child and also devaluing your input into family life by presuming you will just carry on and sort everything else. I can Understand why it's pissing you off tbh

cannockcandy · 23/11/2021 16:50

To start off I was really cross, however, now I realise you literally mean you are paying for everything other than that! That isn't acceptable! Put your foot down and explain you expect him to pay for half of the expenses. Especially presents for your child together and presents for his family.
My partner buys for his family, I pay for mine, we put together for everything else.

winnieanddaisy · 23/11/2021 21:47

Sorry , I don't think £600 is a huge amount. My DDS is 15 and his mountain bike is £500 alone , without anything else and my 16yo DGD gets at least £1500 this year, including an apple laptop which she needs for college . She'll also get perfume and Pandora jewellery etc etc . Her parents can afford it without getting into debt so why not. I do think it's up to him how much he spends on his children as long as he's not leaving you short .
I was very short of money when my children were young and could hardly afford presents for them and I'm glad that they have done so well in life that they can spoil their children once a year.
By the way DGD never asks her parents for anything , no Christmas list etc , and is happy with whatever she gets and is a lovely happy , well behaved girl .

nimbuscloud · 23/11/2021 21:54

@winnieanddaisy
Did you read the op’s post? Where she says that he spends all his money on his 2 children from his first relationship and nothing on their shared child?

BluebellsGreenbells · 23/11/2021 22:16

I do think it's up to him how much he spends on his children as long as he's not leaving you short

Well he is! He’s not paying for the joint child or Christmas food or presents for his family.

Did you read the OP?

Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 08:22

Not paying for presents for his family does not leave the OP short. It only leaves her not in control of exactly how he spends his money and deals with his family.

aSofaNearYou · 24/11/2021 09:14

@Coronawireless

Not paying for presents for his family does not leave the OP short. It only leaves her not in control of exactly how he spends his money and deals with his family.
Not paying for their joint child or for the food required for Christmas does leave her short, though.

You've been ignoring this since the beginning of the thread. Why?

Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 09:35

I don’t get the food thing. How much food does she need? Don’t they normally eat food every day anyway? Who is she cooking for? Need answers!

JustLyra · 24/11/2021 09:44

@Coronawireless

I don’t get the food thing. How much food does she need? Don’t they normally eat food every day anyway? Who is she cooking for? Need answers!
That’s one of the most disingenuous posts I’ve ever seen on here.

Everyone knows that the vast majority of people buy different or more food for Christmas dinner than your usual Saturday afternoon meal.

TooMuchPaper · 24/11/2021 09:49

Not paying for presents for his family does not leave the OP short. It only leaves her not in control of exactly how he spends his money and deals with his family.

Why are you ignoring the fact that he has a 3rd child who he buys nothing for?

Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 09:49

But for how many and for whom? That’s the crux here.

Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 09:53

Food for how many and for whom? Her family? His? Does he want all the extra food? Did he ask for it or is it OP who wants it?
And again, why spend as much on a small child as for older children? A few squishy toys and surprise eggs are all that’s needed. Older children’s gifts cost much more. And the older children will be gone soon.
Really need more info about all this food…

JustLyra · 24/11/2021 09:58

@Coronawireless

Food for how many and for whom? Her family? His? Does he want all the extra food? Did he ask for it or is it OP who wants it? And again, why spend as much on a small child as for older children? A few squishy toys and surprise eggs are all that’s needed. Older children’s gifts cost much more. And the older children will be gone soon. Really need more info about all this food…
So you think it’s acceptable that he spends nothing on his youngest child?

Why will the older children be gone soon? People don’t stop buying their children Christmas presents as soon as they turn 16 or go off to Uni.

Morgan12 · 24/11/2021 10:00

I don't think £600 is overspending either. Things cost alot of money. It's that simple.

Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 10:05

why will the older children be gone soon
True. I guess I just meant they might be away over Christmas when they’ve left home. But you’re right, they’ll still get gifts. Unless OP tries to put a stop to that.