AIBU that it bothers me how much he spends at Christmas?

[GrownUPChicken]

My husband spends what I feel is a stupid amount of money at Christmas on his children.

AIBU that it bothers me? I gave up a long time ago contributing much at all to their Christmas presents because it's just ridiculous imo and I don't want to spend my money on it.

It just bugs me every year when be starts mentioning everything he's going to buy but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because obviously he can spend "his" money on what be likes.

We have sort of joint finances but still have our own accounts.

He typically spends his entire works bonus on Christmas presents for the children and I'm left spending mine on everyone else's / taking on more of the shopping etc to cover it.

Coronawireless is obviously simply trying to wind posters up. There is no other reason for her/his obtuse posts. They are getting off on people irritation.

YANBU to think it wrong. Spoiling children and spending large amounts is not something I like. Even if you did not in effect have to subsidise it by proxy.

Modest spending is not a bad thing. Plenty of people have no choice.

@noswaithda1

YANBU to think it wrong. Spoiling children and spending large amounts is not something I like. Even if you did not in effect have to subsidise it by proxy.

Modest spending is not a bad thing. Plenty of people have no choice.

Spending money does not necessarily mean spoiling or child- or even a mountain of presents (we have all seen the huge piles of presents on Facebook, that the child gets bored of opening)

A laptop is a reasonable Christmas gift for a family who can afford it. That could easily cost £300 or £400.

I think there are a lot of judgemental people on here who automatically assume buying expansive things for children means they grow up to have character flaws.

You can teach your child morals and values while also buying more expensive things.

You don’t have to of course - and people shouldn’t spend more than they can afford.

But I do think people are quick to judge others.

I agree that laptops, game consoles etc are expensive and reasonable presents, but £900 each is OTT

@AnnieSnap

I agree that laptops, game consoles etc are expensive and reasonable presents, but £900 each is OTT

There's also a difference between occasionally spending that amount of money on them, and doing so every time as a rule. Lots of kids will occasionally get expensive items like games consoles or laptops but getting them every Christmas seems pretty excessive.

I think there are a lot of judgemental people on here who automatically assume buying expansive things for children means they grow up to have character flaws

Well if that’s ok, I’ve over spent on my children and we can no longer afford Christmas food or family gifts … can I assume you’ll pay for these for me?

@aSofaNearYou Agreed. I made that point previously, but it seems many/most people on the thread think this sort of spending each Christmas is fine 🤷‍♀️

@GrownUPChicken

Sorry the whole "do you even have kids? because you'd understand if you did" thing gets my back up anyway. It just sounds so patronising. But yes obviously I do have DC as I've mentioned.

Agree with you on this absolutely. People without children can, shockingly, have informed opinions even about matters related to children. Similarly step parents can have opinions about their step children and what they receive, even negative ones, without it being due to jealousy or not having children or anything like that. Madness.

I say this as a step parent myself and now also a parent. I didn't suddenly gain a wealth of knowledge or different opinions as soon as I birthed my child. Funnily enough birthing a child doesn't immediately give you information you didn't have before - you still learn it be it by reading or asking others or experience (but with your own child/children and not every child is the same) - all things people without children can themselves learn by research or experience of children.

OP I agree with you. I would be annoyed. When I met my husband he spent an excessive amount. Bought everything my step daughter wanted. His was through guilt of not being there as much as he would like to but he soon realised stuff wasn't the answer. He moved to more sensible levels of spending and she was just as thrilled. She probably doesn't remember what he got her in the years of excess any better than the years of less. And for what it is worth, my view as to amount spent was nothing to do with me liking or not liking my step daughter nor jealousy. In the later years I went in on the cost and also shopped for everything as I knew what she would like more than him due to our relationship being close. Also now I have my own child I have never bought the excess he did - even though we earn much more.

It just isn't appropriate or fair for you to be buying everyone else's gifts including your child together because he wants to do one upmanship on their mum. That would actually put me off him as a person - he should be a parenting team with her as fwr possible. It isnt always possible - wasnt for us - but we never competed as she is and always will be mum.

I am not sure how you reign him in without tough love. You keep subbing and he will keep doing what he is. You could say you aren't buying any gifts for his family this year unless he contributes and when they ask you will tell him why. Similarly you could say unless he contributed to child all presents will be labelled from you (that one is more difficult as child's best interests would not dictate that). Explain how his other children get presents from mum and him so would likely end up with double your child together normally but then with the excess, even more. It is too much but also as your child together ages youre going to find it hard to keep from them that dad spends all this on his other kids, nothing on them, and that his other kids also get lots from their mum. Your child will think hmm they get from their mum and I get from mine but nothing from my dad yet they get all that. It is dangerous territory. If he still won't realise to be honest for me this would be something I wouldnt accept and could trigger an ultimatum/end of relationship. It isnt about kids getting more than mine. It is about the message it gives to my child and me about priorities and care for us as part of his family too. That is what I wouldnt want to expose my child to. And hey, maybe then he will buy his own gifts for everyone else.

@Coronawireless

Women make such a huge, massive deal out of how stressful and expensive Christmas is and how their OH never does enough to help. Newsflash ladies - many men, if not most ime, are not that interested in Christmas. Women bring ALL of this upon themselves. Do if if you really want to - but don’t force people who aren’t interested to get as involved as you. Your circus, your monkeys. And if it stresses you so much - just don’t do it at all. Or if you have children to please, keep it low-key and focused on them. I am female by the way.

Do you know what? I don't necessarily disagree. In the sense that women do have a choice to say nope, I'm not doing it, if they want to. And also that a lot of people want a lot of extras and it is their wish, not necessarily their partners. Therefore if they want it, they can't really complain at the work of it.

However, it isn't relevant to the OPs issue as she has not mentioned anything about any elaborate Christmas. She hasn't complained about doing Christmas. Her issue is with financial contribution. And it is obvious from all of her posts that her partner does want the meal she does and the gifts for his family as he is asking her how much she has to cover it, because he wants it covered.

The answer though still comes back to not doing something you don't want to do. If you want your partner to contribute and he won't well then he doesn't get Christmas Dinner- just buy enough for the 2 of you. He doesn't get gifts bought for his family - because he didn't buy any. Or if you want to buy them some yourself, mark them from you and your child not him and explain why. You don't have to do things you don't want to do. And because I wouldnt put up with this, on my post I have said for me this would be an end of relationship situation because I wouldnt want a partner who didn't care enough to contribute towards our Christmas Dinner and our child's presents, or buy for their family, but would spend money he plainly cannot afford (as it leaves him with nothing left and asking me for my money to be spent on the rest of what he wants) on his other children. I wouldn't put up with it and if a conversation about what we both want and fair contributions to it didnt work, we wouldn't be together anymore.

You’ve enabled him.
As pps have said, he should now buy for his family, pay half for his DC presents and for the food shop.

Doesn’t sound as if your finances are joint if you are having to pay for all the Christmas food etc when he can’t.

I’d be getting the money off of him in advance for that - it should be coming from the joint account - and wouldn’t be helping to buy gifts for his family.

If he spends all his money then tough.

Tbh I wouldn’t have put up with your finances situation - why isn’t there enough in the joint account to cover Christmas expenses ? Do you have a joint account ?

And if he had the fucking audacity to say no I would be telling him to have a long hard think about how much he wanted to be part of this family.

Quite happy to spend on his kids but not on your child, your Christmas or even the rest of his family ? No way would I enable that.

@BluebellsGreenbells

I think there are a lot of judgemental people on here who automatically assume buying expansive things for children means they grow up to have character flaws

Well if that’s ok, I’ve over spent on my children and we can no longer afford Christmas food or family gifts … can I assume you’ll pay for these for me?

Don’t be silly - I said if people can afford it.

People show be free to spend as little or as much as they want for Christmas without all this jusdgement.

People should never spend more than they can afford and Christmas is very hard for some.

But assuming it is disgusting to spend £500 on children’s fmgoft also seems flawed.

The issue for this man is he can’t afford to spend it and he is shorting changing his family as a result. That is clearly wrong.

But a response on this thread is anyone spend £500 per child is spoiling that child. My point is of people can afford it and want to what is the harm?

Particularly for older children it adds up.

A colleague just collected a £600 bike for his teenage son. He isnt getting much else.

My colleague can easily afford it - I do t see any problem with that.

Sounds like dh has got carried away bring Santa. Pull the plug on this now, and explain why. You need x in the pot for family and dc gifts. What ever he wants to do after that is fine. But bear in mind that your joint dc will very soon notice how much dsc get… and so his great Christmas bonanza will need to be split 3 ways…because the stepmom is buying gifts, and you will buy gift so this is equal. this will cut down what is spent anyway. I too spoil the kids and it’s so easy to get carried away.but 900 is 🙄 imo,

@Mellowyellow222

The issue for this man is he can’t afford to spend it and he is shorting changing his family as a result. That is clearly wrong.

But a response on this thread is anyone spend £500 per child is spoiling that child. My point is of people can afford it and want to what is the harm?

Particularly for older children it adds up.

I think it depends on a lot of things, primarily how the children respond to it. But I think it CAN do a lot of harm.

Obviously some families are just generally wealthy and that will be reflected in the price of their gifts - but these children will also benefit from life long support from their parents.

For the rest of us, though, whose children need to learn to stand on their own two feet, I think it can encourage unrealistic ideas about money and complacency - they need to be raised to understand the need to budget, and when things are too expensive to regularly spend. It can foster an expectation that people should put themselves out (in this case financially) in order to treat you, which will not make them very pleasant or popular as they grow up. I think it is impossible to ignore that it does often make them spoilt. Sometimes it won't, but a lot of time it does, and to me that is very harmful.

You should stop spending your money on your in-laws. It's up to their child to use his money on them. I would allocate exactly the same amount of money your husband spends on his children to your children. Any not used on gifts for them would go into a savings account for them. Your husband needs to learn to manage his money and not rely on you to pick up the slack.

I agree, @aSofaNearYou - there's nothing easier or pleasant than to buy lovely things for your children, but unless you plan to bankroll them forever, you're not helping your kid at all if they expect expensive gifts. I had a poster on here recently imply my DD would suffer socially if she didn't have a PlayStation console. Yet there are perfectly pleasant and well-adjusted kids up and down the land who don't need or want that stuff- I've taught them, I've been one and I am raising one.

The happiest people I know live the simplest lives- trite but true. People here seem on the whole very pampered and very miserable.

Not gone thru all these comments I’d be here all day!!

But I wouldn’t be paying for his families presents or his friends.. I can see where you coming from when you say your not bothered about him spending the same amount on your child but personally it wouldn’t be anything personal against his other children but I’d want and expect the same spent no matter how old yes older children want and nowadays sadly get PlayStations / computers / flat screen tvs the newest mobile phones and upto date technologies etc and are to spoilt and expect and don’t appreciate it and are ugly children (don’t mean looks wise) yes these presents are for older children and are more expensive than what you would get a much younger child but I’d your darling husband boyfriend or whatever he is is then he should be spending same on them they have savings accounts he can put into ?

My mother had 6 of us im the oldest at 35 was born in 86 i got teddy bears and dolls and knitted cardigans etc £5 back in them days worth lots more. my sister is 18 she got a tv and xbox one and other stuff last year and i got some toietries an clothes some chocolates at the time i didnt think that was fair. But my mam says that both adds up equally for what i got when i was 18 compared to what my sister gets now just money has changed value and you couldnt get all these fancy things in the 80's. The point is ALL of his kids should be treated equally and fairly.

If hes going to treat ALL kids equally and fairly and buys his own families presents and contributes to the other bills like food and you are not left short and out of pocket oh and hes not leaving himself short and relying on you to help him out then let him spend what he wants.

BUT if he is treating them differently and leaving himself short and relying on you or not contributing to food etc and not paying his own family’s presents then it’s a huge NO NO totally not acceptable and you need to get him told.

Do not buy his family and don’t let him make you pay for everything yourself food and your own child’s together that’s disgraceful it’s favouritism and don’t agree with it.