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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that it bothers me how much he spends at Christmas?

320 replies

GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:01

My husband spends what I feel is a stupid amount of money at Christmas on his children.

AIBU that it bothers me? I gave up a long time ago contributing much at all to their Christmas presents because it's just ridiculous imo and I don't want to spend my money on it.

It just bugs me every year when be starts mentioning everything he's going to buy but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because obviously he can spend "his" money on what be likes.

We have sort of joint finances but still have our own accounts.

He typically spends his entire works bonus on Christmas presents for the children and I'm left spending mine on everyone else's / taking on more of the shopping etc to cover it.

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 12:35

@Coronawireless

I don’t know it. I said “I think”.
OP is the only person who can ask him.
aSofaNearYou · 24/11/2021 12:35

@Coronawireless

I don’t know it. I said “I think”.
And the other question? Why does OP need to ask him to contribute to his own child's Christmas presents?
Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 12:35

Why not?

Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 12:36

She’s taken control of everything else.

aSofaNearYou · 24/11/2021 12:36

@Coronawireless

Why not?
.... what are you on?

Do you really think it shouldn't occur to parents that they need to buy presents for their own kids?

FestiveMayo · 24/11/2021 12:38

If OP's DH can buy some of his children presents it should damn well occur to him to buy his other one Christmas presents.

Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 12:40

Yes he should buy his youngest DC a present and take an interest.
But the rest of it...not if he doesn’t want to.
I’m repeating myself a lot here.

Fallagain · 24/11/2021 12:43

@GrownUPChicken

I'm not sure what's so unclear.

Things I'm left to pay for-

  • OUR child's presents.
  • HIS families presents.
  • OUR Christmas food shop
Well this wouldn’t be acceptable to me. Is it acceptable to you? You’re posting about it so I assume not, in which case you need to talk to him about it.
Fallagain · 24/11/2021 12:44

@Coronawireless

Yes he should buy his youngest DC a present and take an interest. But the rest of it...not if he doesn’t want to. I’m repeating myself a lot here.
If multiple people are struggling to understand your messages then perhaps you haven’t been as clear as you thought at the start of your tread.
FestiveMayo · 24/11/2021 12:45

@Coronawireless

Yes he should buy his youngest DC a present and take an interest. But the rest of it...not if he doesn’t want to. I’m repeating myself a lot here.
You think he shouldn't pay for the food he will happily eat?
Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 12:45

Possibly not.

Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 12:45

That was to @Fallagain

aSofaNearYou · 24/11/2021 12:45

@Coronawireless

Yes he should buy his youngest DC a present and take an interest. But the rest of it...not if he doesn’t want to. I’m repeating myself a lot here.
But you are also calling OP controlling for seeing a problem with how he does things. Even just looking at the part where he doesn't buy for his youngest child, it's obviously a reasonable thing to have an issue with!

And on top of that, he obviously does want presents for his family and food on the table, because he asks OP to buy those things/insinuates she should.

You're having to repeat yourself because your argument is full of holes.

Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 12:46

@festivemayo
Not if he’d be happy with a normal meal, no.

ChargingBuck · 24/11/2021 12:47

@Coronawireless

Great but this is OP’s thread and she has moaned that her OH won’t contribute to a huge Christmas.
Quite the reverse. Her moan is that he spends too much on christmas, but only the selected parts of it (2 out of 3 kids & NOTHING else) & expects OP to pick up the rest of the burden.

I haven't seen anywhere that she wants a "huge" christmas. She finds overspending on presents obscene, & just wants a standard, modest xmas, with OH paying 50% of the overall cost.

The simple fix is for her to opt out, but as I've already offered an opinion on how to manage that upthread, it's up to OP if she wants to run with it, or keep sucking up OH's unfairness.

Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 12:49

@aSofaNearYou
But maybe he doesn’t want those things.
So in answer to her question, yabu to make him pay for lots of family presents and a huge Christmas lavish feast.
Yanbu to ask him to contribute to a gift for his youngest DC.

ChargingBuck · 24/11/2021 12:49

@Coronawireless

She’s taken control of everything else.
You say "taken control". OP says "lumbered with".

But of course you know OP's mind better than she knows herself Corona. Hmm

Coronawireless · 24/11/2021 12:50

@chargingbuck
Yes, there seems to be a disconnect between what they both want. OP thinks she’s in the right. He presumably thinks he is.

FestiveMayo · 24/11/2021 12:59

[quote Coronawireless]@festivemayo
Not if he’d be happy with a normal meal, no.[/quote]
I seeee.

Maybe ask him OP, if he wants to eat Christmas dinner he needs to pay towards it. If he doesn't he can get his own lasgane and sit on his own

aSofaNearYou · 24/11/2021 13:10

[quote Coronawireless]@aSofaNearYou
But maybe he doesn’t want those things.
So in answer to her question, yabu to make him pay for lots of family presents and a huge Christmas lavish feast.
Yanbu to ask him to contribute to a gift for his youngest DC.[/quote]
Yes, we've pretty much all said she could stop buying his family presents.

But you are downplaying him not buying for the other child. "YANBU to ask him to contribute to a gift for his youngest child", whilst calling her controlling and implying his choices are in no way wrong at the moment? How about she shouldn't HAVE to ask him to contribute to this, he's a twat for not already doing this of his own volition, and it's perfectly understandable and non controlling, given that, that OP has an issue with his spending?

He's also a twat for asking OP how much money she has to cover his family's presents and the meal - this quite clearly demonstrating that he does want those things bought.

You are absolutely determined to gloss over all of that and call OP and other posters controlling because the only part of this you care about, is that he be free to spend as much as he wants on his older kids. That is very plain for all to see.

Hemingwayscats · 24/11/2021 14:09

It’s a crazy amount to spend on younger children who only want basic toys and you could even get away with buying second hand ones, they don’t know the difference. It isn’t a crazy amount to spend on older kids who request technology/video games/Robux/expensive clothes and trainers etc.

You have separate finances really so you aren’t spending your own money. As long as he isn’t struggling to pay bills and such, I don’t think you get a say in this.

JulyWind · 24/11/2021 14:21

Can you imagine if a SM said "I'm going to spend £700 on my own child and let my SC who get no where near that spent on them, watch whilst they do. And if anyone complains it's fine because it's MY money".

Now there isn't anything wrong with that imo per se. But I GUARANTEE the replies would be things like 'even if it's your money, the children will think their father has contributed too because children just see it as family money'.

Of course it's not right for a father to spend £900 on some of his children and nothing on the other. I can't believe anyone thinks it is.

aSofaNearYou · 24/11/2021 14:24

You have separate finances really so you aren’t spending your own money. As long as he isn’t struggling to pay bills and such, I don’t think you get a say in this.

She gets a say in the fact that he's leaving himself too short to pay his share of their joint Christmas responsibilities and expecting her to cover it. Have you read the thread?

ChargingBuck · 24/11/2021 14:26

You have separate finances really so you aren’t spending your own money. As long as he isn’t struggling to pay bills and such, I don’t think you get a say in this.

How does having separate finances mean that OP isn't soending her own money?

DH does not pay (or shop for) his own family's present.
He does not pay for any xmas food & drink.
He does not pay, or take any interest in, let alone shop for, his 3rd DC's present.

He asks OP how much money she has after he's spent huge sums on his 1st 2 DC. he asks her because he has nothing left now, so she has to pay for everything else over this december period.

Why do you feel OP "doesn't get a say" in being effectively held hostage & made to pay for everything that he doesn't?

FestiveMayo · 24/11/2021 14:27

@Hemingwayscats

It’s a crazy amount to spend on younger children who only want basic toys and you could even get away with buying second hand ones, they don’t know the difference. It isn’t a crazy amount to spend on older kids who request technology/video games/Robux/expensive clothes and trainers etc.

You have separate finances really so you aren’t spending your own money. As long as he isn’t struggling to pay bills and such, I don’t think you get a say in this.

He isn't paying for anything else though. OP is having to greatly subsidise him.