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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that it bothers me how much he spends at Christmas?

320 replies

GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:01

My husband spends what I feel is a stupid amount of money at Christmas on his children.

AIBU that it bothers me? I gave up a long time ago contributing much at all to their Christmas presents because it's just ridiculous imo and I don't want to spend my money on it.

It just bugs me every year when be starts mentioning everything he's going to buy but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because obviously he can spend "his" money on what be likes.

We have sort of joint finances but still have our own accounts.

He typically spends his entire works bonus on Christmas presents for the children and I'm left spending mine on everyone else's / taking on more of the shopping etc to cover it.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 20/11/2021 23:17

@00100001

he's spending ridiculous amounts to make up for the fact he's probably a bit absent in their life....
Again, nonsense. Maybe he’s just spending what he wants to spend? Not every action of a NRP (especially father) needs some amateur psychobabble 🤷🏻‍♀️
AnneLovesGilbert · 20/11/2021 23:18

Whose presents are you covering for him? His family or friends? What would he do if you said you’re not doing it this year?

CoffeeBeansGalore · 20/11/2021 23:18

I do make it up in the sense that I'm the one who then buys everyone else's presents because he can't.

Don't. When he starts going on about what he's buying say that's nice, but what are you getting for x,y,z & your mum?
If he replies well you can get . . .
You answer no that's down to you. I'm already getting a,b,c. etc. You need to pay your share of this because I'm not paying for it all myself.
Let him huff & puff but do not give in.

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:18

@tallduckandhandsome

Don’t subsidise him. What are you paying for because if his splurging?

Be clear this year that you won’t sub him.

Everyone else's presents, including our child's although they are much younger so don't get anywhere near that amount spent on them (I would never want to spend that on them anyway!). I think he thinks this is fine because I've stopped contributing to DSCs presents so I buy for one child (ours) and he buys for the other two. I stopped contributing though because I didn't want to feed the ridiculousness!
OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/11/2021 23:18

@Cocomarine

I daresay that in all honesty, my husband would think I spend far more than necessary on my (not his) child, and more than he ever did on his adult children. I actually spend more on my adult stepchildren than he does!

However, I consider that none of his business - as does he. My money, my child. I’ve earned it and my contribution to the household is fine and fair.

In what way are you going short because of this?

In what way are you going short because of this?

The OP states in her opening post

"He typically spends his entire works bonus on Christmas presents for the children and I'm left spending mine on everyone else's / taking on more of the shopping etc to cover it."

Blue4YOU · 20/11/2021 23:20

Why can’t you/don’t you talk to him about this?
He must have reasons- presumably reasons you can debate?

WorraLiberty · 20/11/2021 23:21

Everyone else's presents, including our child's although they are much younger so don't get anywhere near that amount spent on them (I would never want to spend that on them anyway!)

When you say 'everyone else', who specifically are you talking about?

nimbuscloud · 20/11/2021 23:21

So all his money goes on 2 children? And nothing for your joint child??

Coronawireless · 20/11/2021 23:21

But who else are you buying for apart from your child?

LolaSmiles · 20/11/2021 23:21

If he wants to spend his money on extravagant Christmas presents then that's up to him, but ALL his children should get fair treatment from their dad and he should also be making his contribution to everyone else's presents and other Christmas expenditure.

There's 2 issues that I can see here:

  1. He is expecting you to fund everything for one of his children so that he can spend a fortune on the others. Whilst older children typically have more expensive gifts, a father should be fair to his kids and he isn't.
  2. He is expecting you to subsidise his portion of other Christmas expenses.

He's out of order and the poster who suggested he pays into Christmas pots early before buying for his older children made a great suggestion.

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:22

@WorraLiberty

Everyone else's presents, including our child's although they are much younger so don't get anywhere near that amount spent on them (I would never want to spend that on them anyway!)

When you say 'everyone else', who specifically are you talking about?

My family, his family.
OP posts:
Catlovermumof1 · 20/11/2021 23:22

What!! So you're saying he spends much more on DSC than your DC together, that's not fair and I can understand why you would be annoyed!!!

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:23

And then typically expected to cover at least most of the Christmas food shop as he's spent everything by then.

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 20/11/2021 23:24

Well he doesn’t have to buy for your family does he?
And you don’t have to buy for his.
It’s only your joint child that you need to worry about in terms of his contribution?

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:24

@Catlovermumof1

What!! So you're saying he spends much more on DSC than your DC together, that's not fair and I can understand why you would be annoyed!!!
I don't really care that they get more spent on them, due to their ages they naturally would anyway. I'm not expecting a like for like budget for such different ages. But I just think the amount is stupid.
OP posts:
LublinToDublin · 20/11/2021 23:25

Having different financial expectations is really difficult in a relationship. But when it relates to the children of one of the parties even more so because it touches on differing family values and parenting styles too. The implication is that you feel not just that he's overspending but that he's 'spoiling' them.

If it results in you losing out financially then he's being unreasonable. Otherwise, I'd say his money his choices.

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:25

@nimbuscloud

So all his money goes on 2 children? And nothing for your joint child??
He hasn't paid for any of our child's presents this year no. Admittedly they haven't had nearly as much spent on them so it's not been difficult for me to afford but it's not the point of course.
OP posts:
Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:26

The implication is that you feel not just that he's overspending but that he's 'spoiling' them

Yes I absolutely do think they are spoilt. This bugs me too. Nothing to do with the kids personally, they are lovely kids. But spoilt yes absolutely.

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 20/11/2021 23:26

So you’re not going short then?
So let him parent his DC the way he wants.

Hankunamatata · 20/11/2021 23:27

So you say to him you need X amount to cover the presents you need to buy for his family and your joint child and food before he spends anything.

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:27

@Coronawireless

So you’re not going short then? So let him parent his DC the way he wants.
I've repeatedly said what I'm having to cover due to this. Do I need to again?
OP posts:
Cocomarine · 20/11/2021 23:28

@WorraLiberty thanks. I did read that bit. But I was really asking in what way (the real) detail that it impacts the OP. That’s not really clear for me. This is his Xmas bonus, so additional to their usual monthly contributions to the house, presumably? So the shopping the OP mentions is - again my presumption - only Xmas related.

If he’s spending so much on his kids he isn’t even contributing to the turkey - that’s out of order. But if OP likes a lot of extra Xmas fripperies that he doesn’t care about (let’s throw in a fresh hand made £50 door wreath just to have an example) then it’s not unfair.

If he’s leaving OP to pay for his family’s presents - unfair. But if not contributing to her family’s - I’d be OK with that.

That’s why I’m curious about the actual detail. I don’t care how much my husband spends of his money on his children. But if he wanted me to pay for his mum’s presents… no.

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:29

I'm not sure what's so unclear.

Things I'm left to pay for-

  • OUR child's presents.
  • HIS families presents.
  • OUR Christmas food shop
OP posts:
Catlovermumof1 · 20/11/2021 23:29

If you're not concerned about the DSC and DC getting different amounts spent on them that's fine, have you thought about asking him if this is sustainable for the future?

Personally, I think spending £600 on Christmas is just a waste. The items bought will most likely be used for a year or just over and not used again. To me would be much more logical to put the money in to ISAs for them or savings- is this something you have thought about? They could put it towards a car in the future! :)

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:30

@Hankunamatata

So you say to him you need X amount to cover the presents you need to buy for his family and your joint child and food before he spends anything.
I have said this just the other day. I'm just told he'll have to see what he's got left after buying long list of presents he wants to get for DSC. Then asks me how much I've got left etc.. almost as if it's okay because I've got money in the bank so he doesn't have to worry about it.
OP posts: