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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that it bothers me how much he spends at Christmas?

320 replies

GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:01

My husband spends what I feel is a stupid amount of money at Christmas on his children.

AIBU that it bothers me? I gave up a long time ago contributing much at all to their Christmas presents because it's just ridiculous imo and I don't want to spend my money on it.

It just bugs me every year when be starts mentioning everything he's going to buy but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because obviously he can spend "his" money on what be likes.

We have sort of joint finances but still have our own accounts.

He typically spends his entire works bonus on Christmas presents for the children and I'm left spending mine on everyone else's / taking on more of the shopping etc to cover it.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 21/11/2021 01:58

@Stompythedinosaur

I think yabu to not want to pay his share for other gifts, but he is NBU to spent his Christmas bonus on gifts for his dc, that's quite a normal thing.

Is he expecting you to pay for other gifts, or would he be happy not gifting others and focusing his money on his dc?

Why on earth is the OP being unreasonable to not want to pay for his share of other gifts?

Whilst he's not being unreasonable to spend his bonus on his DC he's spending all of his bonus on two of this three children and nothing on the third. Hardly normal, or fair.

Latestnewsheadline · 21/11/2021 05:33

He sounds selfish. He needs to cover your joint child’s share of gift too. He has 3 children, not two. Stop buying his parents and families gifts. Let him know you won’t be. Don’t think he gives a shit so why should you. He needs share the food bill too. Talk to him and if he doesn’t listen then LTB

Ileflottante · 21/11/2021 06:33

@lisaandalan

Yes I have but I just missed that bit, but with the rude attitude you have I can see why you don't like him spending his own money on his own children, because their not yours. They was around long before you and are not going anywhere get used to it and let him spend what he likes.
We’re you drunk when you wrote this? Confused you clearly hadn’t read the thread at all.
Werehamster · 21/11/2021 06:48

You definitely do need to have a chat with him about all this. It's not fair and must lead to resentment every Christmas.

FestiveMayo · 21/11/2021 06:56

He's ridiculously unfair. Yes he should buy for his kids but leaving you to buy everything else is absurd and cruel. I'd seriously consider leaving him over this as it shows he doesn't even consider your joint child worth any of his money.

Mrschristmasqueen · 21/11/2021 07:06

When I read the thread title I was going to come on and say YABU, his money, his choice. But now I've read it, no you absolutely are not being unreasonable, I would be pissed off too. Has he already bought their presents? If not, could you pre warn him that you don't have as much to spare this year so he will need to get his own parent's presents plus buy x, y or z for Christmas Dinner. And that he will need to get some presents for your shared DC too.
And going forward could you start a Christmas savings pot together to cover family and your DC gifts so he is at least contributing throughout the year?

PinkMochi · 21/11/2021 07:11

Tell him this: “You have 3 DC so why do you only buy presents for 2 of them? Also, I won’t be buying presents for any of your family members this year. That’s your responsibility. I only have enough money for my family.”

Then ask for money to contribute towards Christmas dinner. It’s ridiculous that you keep subsiding him. Stop buying all his family’s presents when he doesn’t even help. He needs to learn to budget.

Ohpulltheotherone · 21/11/2021 07:22

Youre unreasonable to object to what someone spends their own money on yes. Especially their children.
If a man were to be “furious” about what I spent on my children, he’d be getting the old heave-ho

That said, you are not unreasonable to object because you are being left to pick up the financial slack because he then can’t afford to contribute to other gift buying. That for me is where the issue is.

I’d agree between the two of you the budget you’ll each put into other family / friends gifts - say you both contribute £200 to the pot for example- then he can spend whatever he likes on his kids.
I don’t agree that you should be out of pocket because of HIS financial decisions, that seems very unfair but equally, if you were not out of pocket and it didn’t affect you at all - then I’d say none of your business

FestiveMayo · 21/11/2021 07:24

Youre unreasonable to object to what someone spends their own money on yes. Especially their children. did you miss the bit where he's only spending it on 2 of his 3 children?

Or do you think that is OK?

FestiveMayo · 21/11/2021 07:27

@GrownUPChicken

I'm not sure what's so unclear.

Things I'm left to pay for-

  • OUR child's presents.
  • HIS families presents.
  • OUR Christmas food shop
I'd stop paying for his family's presents and let him know. And if they get nothing just style it out and tell them truthfully that it's DP's responsibility and you can't believe he couldn't be bothered either.
Shoxfordian · 21/11/2021 07:27

He should be spending his money on his own family and his child with you as well- maybe you need to talk about Christmas presents and say the total budget is x, how do we fairly split it between all the children

DiamondBright · 21/11/2021 07:48

Threads like this make me anxious about moving in with DP, we're going to need some detailed conversations about stuff like this first, thankfully our dc are all old enough to understand things like Christmas are done differently what there are multiple homes etc.

So, for example, like the OPs DSC my DPs DC have a mother and step father and selection of DGP who buy for them, we don't need to compete with that (and he doesn't) it's complimentary, so presents at mums + presents at Dads (+ expensive annual activity with Dad) = what they got for Christmas.

My DDs father is absolutely useless and she barely sees him, so her Christmas presents are presents at home/mums (including DGP) + maybe one gift from Dad, probably several days later (and grandparents gifts from his parents). So I spend a lot more on stuff, while DP spends a lot less (but does an annual expensive activity with them as part of Christmas we don't participate in). So if you put their presents together it would look very unequal but if you added the value of everything up it's probably very similar, if anything his DC probably gets more.

Anothermother3 · 21/11/2021 07:48

Given he has them 50% and isn’t compensating for not seeing them and given that you are picking up the slack he’s being unreasonable. Are the presents sensible at least?!

Arethechildreninbedyet · 21/11/2021 07:51

Agree a joint cost to cover all family presents, Christmas food etc and let him crack on. If he wants to sink copious amounts of personal money on his kids that’s his choice. He just can’t expect you to subsidise him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/11/2021 08:00

He needs to contribute evenly to your joint dc. This is disgusting. I would tell his family in advance they won’t be getting presents as you’re fed up of paying for them, the food and the entire cost of your DC’s presents. I like the idea of going out with your dc and providing no food etc.

I get sometimes presents cost more but not £600+ every year. Eg the year you get an iPad etc. Your child isn’t getting any younger and you’ll be buying something like this before you know it!

TidyDancer · 21/11/2021 08:06

You need to make it 100% clear to him that it doesn't matter how much money you have in your account as you will not be paying his half of anything. Give him one single warning this year that this is what will be happening. His actual commitments need to be paid for first and whatever he has left over can be split between the three DCs he is responsible for. What he is doing is absolutely not okay. You may need to spell it out to him this one time so it is absolutely clear with no room for doubt. This is not a negotiable situation.

GogCymraeg · 21/11/2021 08:06

It's still early enough to sort this out. Sit him down and ask to discuss the budget for Christmas. Start with his family. "How much do you want to spend on your family?", then discuss the food budget. Ask him to transfer the budget for his family and half the budget for the food budget and tell him not to worry, you'll do the shopping. If he doesn't want to contribute, then they don't get presents. (Or a box of chocolates if you can't not buy for them).

I wouldn't discuss how much he's spending on his children for now, leave that for another Christmas when your DC will be old enough to see any discrepancies.

FreedomFaith · 21/11/2021 08:08

You need to speak to him obviously. There's no point just getting pissed off about it. Tell him he has to pay equally to the Christmas Dinner and he has to pay for his families presents plus half of your shared dcs presents. Tough luck if he can't 'beat' his ex this year, his ego will just have to be hurt.

Mooloolabababy · 21/11/2021 08:23

@Hankunamatata

So you say to him you need X amount to cover the presents you need to buy for his family and your joint child and food before he spends anything.
This. You need a rough estimate of what you need to spend that he needs to contribute to and then he can spend what's left on his dcs. It's completely unfair that you have to cover the cost of everything else.
LuaDipa · 21/11/2021 08:23

I was fully prepared to say ywbu but after reading the full thread I think he’s taking the piss. Stop subsidising him right now. If he doesn’t contribute I would take the kids off to dgp and leave him at home. Stop buying his family’s presents too. Tell them exactly what is happening and explain that you can’t afford to pay for everything by yourself. Don’t cover up for him.

Your dp should be embarrassed behaving like this. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spoil your kids but it’s utterly cruel to spoil some at the expense of the others. If this continues I would consider leaving him as your dc deserve so much better.

workwoes123 · 21/11/2021 08:24

I don’t know why you keep talking about ’expectations’ as if they were rules. So what if he expects you to subsidise his family’s gifts? You don’t have to.

It sounds as if your “sort of” joint finances arrangement isn’t working very well, maybe you need to address that.

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 21/11/2021 08:34

This wouldn't be happening here OP. Split 3 ways equally between all kids and put it away in youngest's bank account.
He pays 50% of all other gifts, food and fripparies. How would any other way be acceptable to anybody?

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 21/11/2021 08:36

Show the unkind fucker this thread OP. I'd be seething at the unfairness on your DC's behalf.

MostlyHappyMummy · 21/11/2021 08:41

Not much you can do about how much he spends on his older children.
However, if he isn't contributing half to joint child's gifts and other gifts and Xmas costs - why are you not getting that sorted?
You are sort of enabling his ability to spends loads on older kids because you're bailing him with his other costs.

LolaSmiles · 21/11/2021 08:47

You are sort of enabling his ability to spends loads on older kids because you're bailing him with his other costs.
This.
He seems to have created a nice situation for himself where sort-of-joint-finances mean he spends his money on what he likes and the OP's money is used to subsidise him.

Men like this always find convenient ways to end up sponging off their partner.