AIBU that it bothers me how much he spends at Christmas?

[GrownUPChicken]

My husband spends what I feel is a stupid amount of money at Christmas on his children.

AIBU that it bothers me? I gave up a long time ago contributing much at all to their Christmas presents because it's just ridiculous imo and I don't want to spend my money on it.

It just bugs me every year when be starts mentioning everything he's going to buy but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because obviously he can spend "his" money on what be likes.

We have sort of joint finances but still have our own accounts.

He typically spends his entire works bonus on Christmas presents for the children and I'm left spending mine on everyone else's / taking on more of the shopping etc to cover it.

@Cocomarine

I would downright refuse to pay for his family’s presents.

Honestly though, there are some things I could accept in a marriage - and having a different attitude to present budget is one. But I’d really struggle to respect him with the reasons behind this - the competition with his ex is really distasteful. Sorry to say it, but that attitude and expecting you to pay for his family’s presents? He’s not a nice man.

I think as well it's the whole seeing my money as ours to spend on whatever is left that needs buying (he said to me "well how much do you have in the bank?" When I asked about this) which is fine IF he didn't think of his own as just his to buy all this crap with iyswim?

@EggsellentSmithers

Why are you subsidising him? That’s your problem.

Agree re his family, but what do I do about our child? Just not buy them half as much because I refuse to subsidise him? Not buy food for our Christmas dinner?

He's leaving you with no choice but to
(a) not buy any of his family's presents
(b) work out a way to claw back your 'overspend' on Christmas food. How do you normally split bills?

@GrownUPChicken

He's even openly in previous years said he wants to make it 'better than their mum's'. So he absolutely does it with the intention of spoiling. I get it's nice to spoil your child but it's ludicrous.

He sounds like a total dickhead.

I agree he does with the comment about their Mum. It bugs me that it's just spending money for the sake of spending money to see who can spoil them more. It would annoy me even if I didn't have to subsidise anything because it's just such a giant waste.

I repeat what I said earlier- have you told him this? Or earlier I said can you talk to him?
Is this just a resentment festival where you sit back and wait for him to be the arse he’s going to be and resent him?
Do you live each other?
Help him to stop being wasteful and competitive with his ex.
It’s not a good situation to be in to feel that you have to buy for your child alone. I know because I’m there.
But if you have a good relationship with him tell him how you feel

Love

As it’s only November so you have time to resolve this, I actually absolutely would go fucking hardball on the Xmas food on the table.

Tell him that you want £x from him for Xmas food, or it’s all coming out of whatever your usual monthly food budget is. So nobody’s going to starve, and I expect if it’s a roast turkey dinner that makes it “Xmas” dinner to you, then that can be within the normal food budget anyway. Just no expensive extras.

If it leads to the mother of all rows - it’s a row worth having.

I’ll throw in the face too that it seems to be you in charge of the Xmas food budget - because you have a vagina?

But sticking with the specific issue here - you’ll got 4 weeks to thrash this out so yeah, I’d tell him now that he ponies up his share, or it’s sprouts but no aged port, or whatever pushes up your food bill 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think this is something you'll have to try and front load

So you tell him that you need xyz contribution to cover your child's gifts, food and other presents etc. When he says ' I'll have to see what I've got left' you then have to say 'no, you pay our costs first and then see what you have left for your kids gifts'

I wouldn't have a problem with him spoiling his own children particularly - it's his choice and his money. But this isn't the case here - it's his choice, his money and then your money too

You've got to be blunt with him and tell him how much you expect: if he refuses .. you've got other choices to make really

Are the gifts duplicated with presents bought by the kids mum & her family? I'd tackle from this end as it's easier than tackling the overspend. Suggest that he discusses gifts with his ex so there's no overlap. It's a waste of money if they're getting duplicate gifts from different people. It's better that he puts half the gift budget into a savings account for when they're older. Could you suggest this?

Maybe it's the guilt of them not being together anymore that's fuelling the overspending. Suggest that he shops around for the best price to pick up bargains. He needs to divide his Christmas bonus into 4 pots, 1 pot for each child & his family & the rest for food.

Why did you have a child with him?

My DH used to do this albeit on a smaller scale and driven by a need to replicate his own childhood Christmas present piles (MIL is a more is more present giver)
He's not doing it this year after alot of me asking things like "what would the box under DSDs bed like for Christmas this year?" and commenting "I told you the £10 version would have been fine as she would never look at it again, now the £30 version has been sitting sealed and brand new in the cupboard for 2 years".
I even told him in rather he put £1000 in her bank account than spent £500 on more pointless stuff to clutter the house up that she's not interested in beyond just acquiring it to decorate her bedroom floor.
DS gets nowhere near what DSD does and he doesn't get overwhelmed and bored the same way. I think it's been a revelation to DH watching it all unfold differently.
Tell DH he's a grown up and a father of 3, not 2. He needs to pay his share and then he can bury the older kids in crap if he likes. As long as he does not make it your financial problem.

This is a hill to die on while your child is too young to understand.

Don't buy for his family this year.
If he doesn't contribute to the Christmas food shop then don't buy it. Take you and your DC out for dinner.
Label any presents you've bought from you and only you.

It's petty, but this is going to destroy your relationship at some point because you are, completely understandably, resentful of it.

He's shirking on everyone else, including your DC, so he can have a pissing contest with his ex. It's not going to stop next year, or the year after, or the year after, so eventually your DC is going to be well aware that their father gets them fuck all whilst lavaishing on their half siblings. That's a very quick way to have an unhappy child and to damage their relationship with both him and the other children.

@GrownUPChicken

I'm not sure what's so unclear.

Things I'm left to pay for-

• OUR child's presents.
• HIS families presents.
• OUR Christmas food shop

Why do you need to buy his family’s presents? Do they/he expect you to? And how much food do you have to shop for? Who are you cooking for? If it’s your family why should he pay? If he has invited his family to dinner just ask him specifically to pay for what they’ll eat.

You've been a saint living like this covering his expenses and watching his children get £600+ gifts each... I'd personally never spend that kind of money on mine, even if I were a millionaire. But especially in your case, when ALL he pays for is his DC's presents!
IF you want a change, you really need to mean business this year. I would have a crystal clear, bullet point conversion with him, something like this:

• You do not agree with his mad, excessive spending every Xmas. He clearly can't afford it anyway if he can't pay for anything else after.
• He needs to start paying half for your mutual DC and it needs to be a decent amount.
• He can't use the argument that you don't contribute for his DC. They have a mum, who also gives them gifts, so that's 2 parents already contributing, and your child only gets it from one parent.
• He doesn't get to pick and choose paying for his DC only. He must pay his half for all mutual shopping and pay in full for His family.

Then stuck to it. No matter how much you like his relatives, leave him to it, let him sink in embarrassment empty handed. Buy only half the xmas food or only what you like. Or go really drastic and give him a LTB ultimatum

@GrownUPChicken

I'm not sure what's so unclear.

Things I'm left to pay for-

• OUR child's presents.
• HIS families presents.
• OUR Christmas food shop

I wish you wouldn't put up with this.

I wouldn't buy anything for his family, that's on him to sort. I'd enforce him spending equally on all three kids (so if his two are getting £500 each, I'd want £250 put in savings for the joint child from him) and I'd want half the joint food shop deposited as well.

Why do you let him shirk his financial duties toward your joint family to fund his family?

Maybe ask him if it will take a divorce to make him start treating all his DC the same.

I would not be letting him decide that I have to spend my own money on presents for everyone else plus food etc. If he was single he would have to manage on his own money instead he uses your income to subsidise his excessive spending on his DC.

He is a complete idiot spending that amount of money on a load of tat at Christmas presents when that sort of money would be much better invested for their future.

Oh I don’t know. Why is OP insisting on buying presents for nieces and nephews who aren’t even hers and who will presumably have got plenty from their own parents if she then says the money isn’t there to buy presents for the joint child or pay for food on Christmas Day? Older children’s presents cost more than the presents for a younger child as a pp has pointed out so he doesn’t need to spend the same on all 3 children for now. And he doesn’t need (or want, by the sounds of it) to spend money on other people’s children. This is OP deciding where to prioritise the Christmas budget and getting cross when his focus differs from hers.

@RaisedByPangolins

It’s one thing him choosing to spend his own money on them, but if you end up subsidising him because he’s spent it all then it’s actually you paying for them.

I’d make sure he’s paying his way with the rest of Xmas regardless of what he spends elsewhere, not your circus not your monkeys etc

Yep none of your business until it affects you. Having to pays his share of other things Warrants a discussion about his spending habits.

I would be beyond upset if my dh treated all his children so different, that’s not fair on his younger children. Not many things get me to the point that if things don’t change this is a deal breaker but treating children differently is one.

So what does he say when you ask for money towards as food? What's the normal arrangements for paying for food?

I think yabu to not want to pay his share for other gifts, but he is NBU to spent his Christmas bonus on gifts for his dc, that's quite a normal thing.

Is he expecting you to pay for other gifts, or would he be happy not gifting others and focusing his money on his dc?

I would be telling him to spend equal amounts on all his children including the child you share. He should be responsible for buying his family gifts. Make it very clear you will no longer do this and if in-laws say anything just shrug and say DH preferred to over spend on his 2 DC. As your child grows up it will feel second best. He needs to understand this.

If you do not talk and discuss this, you definitely have problems and the relationship will not last. This is not a subject for forums, but between you and yours.

Tell him that he either cuts down what he spends on the DSC now so he can contribute equally to your joint DC and pay for presents for his family or he'll have to cut down anyway from next year when you have split up and he has another ex to compete with on who spends more at Xmas. I would bet he had no clue what his DC got for Christmas when he lived with them, just like he has no idea what your joint DC gets now.