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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that it bothers me how much he spends at Christmas?

320 replies

GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:01

My husband spends what I feel is a stupid amount of money at Christmas on his children.

AIBU that it bothers me? I gave up a long time ago contributing much at all to their Christmas presents because it's just ridiculous imo and I don't want to spend my money on it.

It just bugs me every year when be starts mentioning everything he's going to buy but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because obviously he can spend "his" money on what be likes.

We have sort of joint finances but still have our own accounts.

He typically spends his entire works bonus on Christmas presents for the children and I'm left spending mine on everyone else's / taking on more of the shopping etc to cover it.

OP posts:
LublinToDublin · 20/11/2021 23:31

@GrownUPChicken

The implication is that you feel not just that he's overspending but that he's 'spoiling' them

Yes I absolutely do think they are spoilt. This bugs me too. Nothing to do with the kids personally, they are lovely kids. But spoilt yes absolutely.

I would struggle with this too especially since read that you have a dc together and he's not contributing to his/her presents!
Cocomarine · 20/11/2021 23:31

@GrownUPChicken

I'm not sure what's so unclear.

Things I'm left to pay for-

  • OUR child's presents.
  • HIS families presents.
  • OUR Christmas food shop
And why are you doing that? Your child and food I get - even if unfair, you’re not going to prove point with an upset child and an empty table. But why are you paying for his family’s presents?
Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:32

I would struggle with this too especially since read that you have a dc together and he's not contributing to his/her presents!

Yes. I think more than the amount too I just feel like he isn't as interested in what our DC gets. He gets all excited about spoiling DSC at Christmas and yet probably couldn't even tell you what our child will be opening that I've bought them.

OP posts:
Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:34

He's even openly in previous years said he wants to make it 'better than their mum's'. So he absolutely does it with the intention of spoiling. I get it's nice to spoil your child but it's ludicrous.

OP posts:
violetbunny · 20/11/2021 23:35

IMHO he can spend all he likes so long as it doesn't impact on you or your child.

I would make it clear to him that he is buying 100% of his own family's presents this year - if he doesn't pay for them, his family won't be getting anything. And half the Xmas food shop, and half your joint child's gifts. Fine if he wants to spoil his own kids, but it's absolutely not fair that you're expected to subsidise it.

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:36

But why are you paying for his family’s presents?

I guess because I like my PILs and nieces and nephews and don't want them to get nothing just so he can keep up with this farce every year.

OP posts:
lisaandalan · 20/11/2021 23:39

It's his money he can do what he likes with it as long as the bills are paid, also
Have you got children ? Maybe if you had you might not feel this way. X

Heartofglass12345 · 20/11/2021 23:40

I wouldn't be buying presents for his family. If he doesn't buy them anything then they don't get anything, it's not on you to sort it out!
He sounds like he just wants to get one up on their mother. Has he always been like this?

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:40

@lisaandalan

It's his money he can do what he likes with it as long as the bills are paid, also Have you got children ? Maybe if you had you might not feel this way. X
Have you even read the thread?
OP posts:
Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:42

@Heartofglass12345

I wouldn't be buying presents for his family. If he doesn't buy them anything then they don't get anything, it's not on you to sort it out! He sounds like he just wants to get one up on their mother. Has he always been like this?
I do think they are both quite competitive with each other yes.
OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 20/11/2021 23:43

£2-3 hundred each???? Plus dm’s contribution…. Maybe as a one off if dc needed a laptop and I’m personally on the basis kids get what they need and Don’t always spend the same. Wouldn’t be my choice and I wouldn’t subsidise

lisaandalan · 20/11/2021 23:44

Yes I have but I just missed that bit, but with the rude attitude you have I can see why you don't like him spending his own money on his own children, because their not yours.
They was around long before you and are not going anywhere get used to it and let him spend what he likes.

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:45

@lisaandalan

Yes I have but I just missed that bit, but with the rude attitude you have I can see why you don't like him spending his own money on his own children, because their not yours. They was around long before you and are not going anywhere get used to it and let him spend what he likes.
It's nothing to do with me not liking him spending money on them because they aren't mine. They don't have to be my children for me to have an opinion.
OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 20/11/2021 23:47

There are two separate issues in my opinion.

  1. You think he spends too much on his children regardless of how much money he may or may not have spare.
  1. He spends all of his available money on his children and leaves you to spend your money on everything else Christmas related.

Here are your options:

  1. You talk to him and agree a joint Christmas budget for all joint family presents and your shared child/food/decorations etc and you split that however you split your joint expenses. He can spend whatever he has left on his children.
  1. You agree that ALL gifts (including DSC) are joint, agree an equal amount for them and your children and crack on.
  1. You say nothing, carry on as you are, allow the asymmetry to worsen as your child gets older, bear the brunt of the costs and seethe.

I’d suggest not going for 3 as that way ends with resentment and seething.

Chloemol · 20/11/2021 23:47

I wouldn’t be buying anything for any member of his family, it’s up to him. Focus on yours

And I would be presenting him with a bill for half of any other costs such as food etc

EKGEMS · 20/11/2021 23:48

Have you ever said to him "If you want to eat a Christmas meal I need you to pay x amount towards it and you're footing the presents for your family and half of our child's presents-don't care if you have to beg,borrow or steal but that's how it's gonna be and if you don't then I guess you'll be eating beans on toast,moneybags!?!" Seriously stand up for yourself

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:49

3. You say nothing, carry on as you are, allow the asymmetry to worsen as your child gets older, bear the brunt of the costs and seethe

This is a concern too you're right. They won't notice much now but as they get older the difference in spending between them may become obvious.

OP posts:
Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:50

I find it sad as well that he's just not as bothered about our DC having such a good Christmas. Obviously he wants them to but he'd never go this much out if his way to ensure they were spoilt like this. Probably because he knows I'd sort it I guess.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 20/11/2021 23:51

@lisaandalan

Yes I have but I just missed that bit, but with the rude attitude you have I can see why you don't like him spending his own money on his own children, because their not yours. They was around long before you and are not going anywhere get used to it and let him spend what he likes.
I don’t think OP’s comment to you was rude. You said you’d read the thread but just missed that bit about the joint child. Not including other posts referring to that child, OP’s own posts mention it in 5 separate posts. So that’s an impressive amount of “just missed” from someone claiming to have read the thread. I think OP’s question whether you’d even read the thread was perfectly fair!
RosesAndHellebores · 20/11/2021 23:51

Does he pay his full whack of maintenance? Sounds like guilt spending to me.

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:53

Sorry the whole "do you even have kids? because you'd understand if you did" thing gets my back up anyway. It just sounds so patronising. But yes obviously I do have DC as I've mentioned.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 20/11/2021 23:54

I would downright refuse to pay for his family’s presents.

Honestly though, there are some things I could accept in a marriage - and having a different attitude to present budget is one. But I’d really struggle to respect him with the reasons behind this - the competition with his ex is really distasteful. Sorry to say it, but that attitude and expecting you to pay for his family’s presents? He’s not a nice man.

lisaandalan · 20/11/2021 23:54

If he's not treating all three children the same I can see why you would be upset, but you didn't mention that at first, he probably feels guilty that he's not with them all the time, like he is your child.

Original poster
GrownUPChicken · 20/11/2021 23:55

@RosesAndHellebores

Does he pay his full whack of maintenance? Sounds like guilt spending to me.
They live here 50% of the time (3 nights one week, 4 the next) so no he doesn't pay any maintenance.
OP posts:
EggsellentSmithers · 20/11/2021 23:56

Why are you subsidising him? That’s your problem.