AIBU that it bothers me how much he spends at Christmas?

[GrownUPChicken]

My husband spends what I feel is a stupid amount of money at Christmas on his children.

AIBU that it bothers me? I gave up a long time ago contributing much at all to their Christmas presents because it's just ridiculous imo and I don't want to spend my money on it.

It just bugs me every year when be starts mentioning everything he's going to buy but I don't know if I'm being unreasonable because obviously he can spend "his" money on what be likes.

We have sort of joint finances but still have our own accounts.

He typically spends his entire works bonus on Christmas presents for the children and I'm left spending mine on everyone else's / taking on more of the shopping etc to cover it.

@JustLyra first post nailed it op.

Your husband is setting a precedent of treating your joint child 2nd class.

I would not be putting up with this, or subsidising his one-upmanship of your step dcs mother. He is beyond childish

If a man were to be “furious” about what I spent on my children, he’d be getting the old heave-ho

I'd be in full support of any man who was furious at you for spending all of your money on only some of your children and leaving him to buy everything for the rest tbh.

I like PPs idea of suggesting we put an equal amount in DCs savings.

I'm going to have another talk with him tonight about it.

I think in his mind he truly thinks that it's okay for me to buy the other stuff because I leave him to buy everything for DSC. I only do that though because he spends what I feel is a stupid amount on them. So in his head he feels well we end up spending almost 50:50 but just buying presents for different people.

He does want to get his family presents. I buy for nieces and nephews, PILs etc.. because they are quite a present giving family and we'd stick out like a sore thumb if we didn't get anyone anything and so I end up feeling bad. He doesn't see why it's a problem me buying it because I have the money and he's had to spend his on X Y Z and 100 other things for DSC.

I'd absolutely happily put in a pot for spending on all 3 kids every year, I don't at all mind my money being spent on DSC. But I'm not agreeing to that pot being bloody 600- 900 quid per child. That's stupid imo and I'm not playing into that every year.

I guess as other PPs say he'll have to start finding the money to pay an equal amount for our DCs presents. That would probably give him a wake up call that it's not sustainable.

I think in his mind he truly thinks that it's okay for me to buy the other stuff because I leave him to buy everything for DSC does he not get that they aren't your financial responsibility so of course you leave him to pay for them.

Tbf I used to pay toward their presents too. But as the years went on it was just getting more and more stupid the amounts so I stopped altogether and now don't give him anything for their presents.

Spot the father with parental guilt. He's equated love with stuff and thats something you will find difficult to untangle because its emotionally connected in his head.

Suggest he spends the money on experiences together rather than stuff.

OP,

I mean it kindly but you are very foolish to be tolerating this.

He is using you.

He sounds like a shit, selfish husband and a shit father to your child.

You are subsidising this man financially, when you should be saving up for a running away fund.

Tell him NOW that he needs to pay for HIS family's gifts, you will not be doing it.

And mean it.

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care about his child to buy them a gift?

Stop stepping in and making everything ok.

Let HIM be embarrassed.

Tell his family that HE is doing the present shopping this year.

It will be on him.

This will never change until you force it.

You are just another woman that was roped in by a waster to be au pair, house skivvy and bank roller to his children.

They invariably are less invested in the child they have agreed to, so that you feel stuck.

You are not stuck.
Do not settle for this.

Keep your money and start saving.

This situation is only going to get so much worse with this waster.

The teenage years are so expensive.

YANBU

Next Christmas tell him well in advance that you won't be buying gifts for his parents, siblings and nieces/nephews if he spends all his Christmas budget on 2 of his 3 DC.

I'd also tell him you expect him to contribute to your joint DC's gifts. At the moment your DCs gifts are effectively just from Mummy as opposed to Mummy and Daddy which isn't fair on them.

@FeedMeSantiago

Next Christmas tell him well in advance that you won't be buying gifts for his parents, siblings and nieces/nephews if he spends all his Christmas budget on 2 of his 3 DC.

I'd also tell him you expect him to contribute to your joint DC's gifts. At the moment your DCs gifts are effectively just from Mummy as opposed to Mummy and Daddy which isn't fair on them.

Tell him today don't wait another year

He needs to fairly contribute, go halves on the food bill and your joint child's gifts. And cover his own family as well. Completely not on that's all left to you. You need to tell him you won't be making up the shortfall anymore. It's really not fair. Saying that, if he was contributing fairly, you can't complain what he spends on his children. It's entirely his choice.

So if it's too late this Christmas then I'd be calculating how much you have spent on everyone else, then asking for his contribution, if he can't pay you now then he can pay you back starting from January and then next year he has to pay you in advance, so he can start putting money to one side for it as soon he needs to to make sure you're not out of pocket again! If you don't start now, it'll never change. I'd also be asking him to spend the same on your dc as he does on his, if you don't want this to go on presents then you can put it on the bank. He needs to realise that whatever he spend on his dcs needs to be equal.

It is a lot,so they not get much from anyone else?
As pp have said,ask him to give you half of all joint gift and food costs first.
Only thing that makes me wonder about your post is your referring to the dc as his children,are they not your dsc?

@lisaandalan

Yes I have but I just missed that bit, but with the rude attitude you have I can see why you don't like him spending his own money on his own children, because their not yours. They was around long before you and are not going anywhere get used to it and let him spend what he likes.

That's embarrassing for you. There's somebody with a rude attitude and it's not the OP. How can you misunderstand, it's really clear, he's spending money which means that she then has to pay for what he cannot, including Christmas food that he then doesn't contribute to.

I’d present him with a bill for half of your shared child’s present and either half of all the other presents or the full amount for his family. And then all the ancillary stuff for Xmas.
When you give it to him say that you’re not subsidising his budget for Xmas and his family will end up with no presents or less spent on them.

I think you need to ringfence money for gifts for your child, his family and the food and both contribute the same (or less from you because it's his side) and only then can he know how much he has to spend on his children. It's pathetic though that he is only doing it because he wants to do "better" than their mum.

I think YABU - provided he is contributing to the family "pot" and it's his money that he buys presents from I don't see a problem. Obviously if he is freeloading and then spending money on them that's ridiculous.

I'd suggest he opens up savings accounts and put some money in that for them rather than all presents, but up to him. Sounds like he is partly trying to assuage the guilt of not being with them all the time.

@GrownUPChicken

I'm not sure what's so unclear.

Things I'm left to pay for-

• OUR child's presents.
• HIS families presents.
• OUR Christmas food shop

You need to tell him he ha to pay for half of all the above first, and then he can spend what he likes on his other children. I can see why you're annoyed.

it's his money that he buys presents from I don't see a problem the problem is that he doesn't care about his 3rd child.

@lisaandalan

Yes I have but I just missed that bit, but with the rude attitude you have I can see why you don't like him spending his own money on his own children, because their not yours. They was around long before you and are not going anywhere get used to it and let him spend what he likes.

Only one being rude her is you, try reading the thread before coming out with utter shit

I'd suggest he opens up savings accounts and put some money in that for them rather than all presents, but up to him

Obviously he should put an equal amount in our DCs savings account then?

@GrownUPChicken

But why are you paying for his family’s presents?

I guess because I like my PILs and nieces and nephews and don't want them to get nothing just so he can keep up with this farce every year.

Op step back from this and tell him he can buy for his DC and his family. You will buy for yours. Food shop split evenly

@GrownUPChicken

I don't know why it would matter how old they are though, it seems a stupid amount regardless of age.

A toddler is likely to happy with small cheaper gifts (doll and pram etc)while older kids tend to go for games consoles etc

I was always the present buyer in my marriage, we had a similar situation where exH contributed his standard monthly amount to the joint account each month, and then spent the rest of his money on whatever he wanted, no extra for Christmas, holidays etc. so he'd be throwing money around on hobbies and I'd be trying to stretch the budget. Our financial contributions were never fairly divided.

Anyway, post divorce his nieces and nephews don't even get a card from him never mind a present, that's how important it really was to him. However when we were married he'd have been mortified if a decent present hadn't been bought, wrapped and delivered, as if by magic.

I'd sit down and decide on a joint Christmas budget that everything needs to come out of. You both contribute either equally or proportionately depending on incomes. Make a list of everything that needs to come out of the budget and allocate amounts for each thing.
Then he'll see how much you're subsidising his spending.