Anyone else with an emotionally unavailable mum?

[Watchclock]

Since as long as I can remember my mum has been so emotionally unavailable to me.
I’ve never been able to talk to her about anything really. Things like starting my period, I hid it from her until she found out packs of pads had been disappearing and found some of my underwear.
I never spoke to her about contraception when I started my first serious relationship at 15.
I started self harming around age 18 and she knew but said nothing and just took my means to self harming away which she found in my room.
I never told her I was pregnant until I was showing and couldn’t hide it.
These are just some of the key memories I have.
Having my own daughter who’s getting a bit older now I encourage her to talk about everything and always reassure her I’m there for her for anything.
The point to all this is that it’s been really tough, and I just wanted to talk to anyone else who might have similar mothers? I’m NC with my dad so that doesn’t help and if I’m honest it’s a really lonely situation.
All I’ve seen throughout my life is everyone else with such a good relationship with their mum and who’s mums are so helpful and caring and I don’t think others can relate.
I have metal health issues I think mainly as a result of my mum always being so cold towards me.

I have an amazing partner and some close dear friends I can confide in, but I know no one in real life in a similar situation with their mum and it would be nice to speak to someone who can understand where I’m coming from.

@AnFiadhRua your post about the "straight from virgin to married" concept really resonates with me - can I ask if your mum is Catholic? My mum seems to have deep-seated internalised misogyny from her Irish catholic upbringing and it's really affected how she treated me.

Periods, sex and contraception were all banned topics and I was blamed when a male friend of my parents sexually harassed me when I was 13. My mum also called me a slut and asked me did I want people to think I was one of "those girls" when she found a message I sent to a boy asking him on a date when I was 17.

But then she was very embarrassed when I was single at 25 and not married like she had been. She asked if I wanted to be "left on the shelf" and wasn't I worried about "leaving it too late"?!

Aside from this, she never talked about anything emotional or important. She made fun of me for smelling of BO when I started puberty at 11, even though she'd never explained to me what deodorant was or bought any for me. She also made fun of the hair growing under my arms, even though she'd never bought me a razor or shown me how to use one.

She became immediately exasperated if I was ever upset about anything and would get very angry with me - her favourite phrase was "here come the crocodile tears again!" implying I was fake crying for attention - this was even said when I was upset aged 9 after my grandfather died! I remember going to her as a teenager in floods of tears after a fall out with my best friend and she got very angry with me, asking why I was wasting her time with "silly distractions" and shouted at me to go away and leave her alone.

I could never treat my own child like that. He's only a baby at the moment but I'm determined to be always emotionally available, open to talking about anything, not instilling any shame and frequently hugging him and telling him how much I love him. I'll do the same if I have any daughters in future.

I've forgiven my mum as she has other good points and I think her own mum treated her the same so she never knew any better. But I'm determined to break the cycle with my own kids.

Omg. I can so relate to this. Age 12 I showed my mother an advert for tampax and asked her what they were. She ripped the magazine out of my hands and screamed at me for asking dirty questions. A year later I started my periods and couldn’t bring myself to tell her. I used toilet paper as pads and a little later on, I used to pinch my SILs pads. She’s never shown one iota of emotional concern for me but she happily used me for emotional support over my fathers apparent wrong doings. She’s 98 now and it’s still all about her

Oh and as children, myself and my brothers were referred to as ‘millstones round her neck’

My mother has always been unavailable to me, she tells everyone I ruined her 21st birthday, I was born 12 days before. She tells me I'm a disappointment to her and when my cheating husband left me she told me it was my fault. Last year i had major surgery, chemo and radiotherapy - her response was to stop making a fuss! I bought her flowers for her birthday, they were horrible, I sent her photos of my granddaughter, her only great grandchild - she was angry that i sent them and not my son, she hasn't want to see either of my sons for over 10 years. I have all but given up trying to have a relationship with her now.
I have as little contact with her as possible now but miss my dad.

Such awful stories with so many common themes. Total lack of empathy and self absorption seem to be common traits for the mothers.

Yes, my mother’s pretty emotionally unavailable - not in the same way as many posters here, but I too can’t relate at all to friends who call their mums when they have a problem or who had them there when they gave birth or who could talk to them about puberty. I remember hiding bloodstained pants behind my wardrobe for months because I didn’t feel able to talk to either of my parents about it. They found them eventually and it resulted in a massive confrontation about how disgusting I was.

She is interested in my life but in a very intrusive way and only for her own gratification - so she can brag or gossip to her friends.

She also has no idea who I am - she thinks she does but the person she thinks she knows is a creation of fiction, and I’ve noticed her doing the same with my son - building her own picture of who he is rather than actually getting to know him.

Mother is a narcissist, anything I've tried to raise gets instantly shot down. A few days after DP passed away all she could talk about was how ill she was.

My relationship with my mum is very weird. She isn't mean though and when I was a child she loved to make the beds, make food, take me to ballet - so I was cared for but at the same time she never got to know me, nor me her. I can not remember having a conversation with her ever about anything of substance.

She is incredibly passive and I am the opposite and so the gap seems even wider. I don't really know what to do about it...

My mother neglected me in so very many ways over my entire childhood, it's hard to know where to start.

Never once in my childhood did she hug me, kiss me, comfort me when I was sad, cook for me, make me a packed lunch, wash my clothes, buy me toys, read me a story, put me to bed, watch a tv programme with me, dress me, bathe me, help me with homework, teach me anything at all (she was a teacher!), facilitate a play date, take me to or pick me up from school, brush or style my hair, tell me I looked nice, taking me to or taking an interest in my out of school activities. The list is absolutely endless.

As a mother now myself, I have no idea how she managed NOT to do these things as they are such a central feature of every minute of my day.

I do remember her playing board or card games with me (so she could win!) and making me sing for her friends(so she could show off). That's it.

@Squashpocket

To those of you with emotionally unavailable mothers, did getting therapy help?

My mother is and was definitely emotionally neglectful, rather than abusive. I'm just wondering if therapy can help with something that was missing, rather than something that was done to me as such.

If you did get therapy and it helped, how did you find the right therapist and what did they do that helped. If you didn't have therapy, what have you done that has helped?

I have little children of my own and I struggle all the time with being as emotionally available and supportive as I can, but with no blueprint to follow it's a constant exhausting battle. I know what happens when you don't have mother's love and support so I can't afford to fail.

I started therapy for other reasons but over time my emotionally unavailable mother has come up more and more. I didn't realise the impact being mothered like that had had on me and it has taken me a long time to face a lot of my childhood stuff. My therapist has elements of her that remind me of my Mum, I think that's why I chose her, but she is also a world away from the emotional cold world I grew up in. And I constantly forget that and she pulls me back in. It's been so hard and I genuinely believed I was worthless and pointless. I hadn't realised this was the legacy of my childhood.

My mum was my adoptive mum and was 44 when I was adopted. I felt that she had become set in her ways and whilst she liked the thought of kids, the reality was somewhat different. She had already had a nervous breakdown and remained highly strung and ultra sensitive. I always had to watch what I said.

I never ever confided anything to her. She never wanted to discuss anything of a personal nature, it was like talking to a stranger, like small talk. I used to think she was like the Queen and would quickly change the subject should any discussion become too personal.

If I asked her not to do something with regard to school as it would embarass me, she would just go right ahead and do it. It was all about her and what she wanted. Nothing mattered other than her own comfort, wants and needs. She used to go to Bingo most nights and if she could not go for some reason, the atmosphere in the house was terrible. I would often cry when my dad went out.

I once answered her back, nothing serious at all, and she hit me really hard. I was in my teens by then and told her if she did it again, I would hit her back.

@Pickupapenguin8 - Self absorption and attention seeking. So true.

Only in recent years have family members asked me how I coped with such a tricky, difficult character. Pity no-one ever asked me when I was growing up. I feel guilty saying this but its still a sanitised truth.

Apparently my mother shuddered when my dad told her I was pregnant. She didn't bother to come and see my son until he was 6 months old. My children are now teenagers and she has babysat for them once. I don't see her now, she never phones. The only contact is a tenner in a card on their Birthdays. The only thing she cares about is her writing and semi feral cats. (which she uses as an excuse not to see anyone)

The difficult thing with my mum is that she is emotionally unavailable for weeks at a time, then will have a really good day or two which makes me doubt my queries over her "mum-ness" and makes me feel positive for the future. Then she says or does something odd which takes it back to square one. It feels like emotional torment to be honest. No child should ever feel the need to question their mother's love for them.

It really upsets me that she always has time for her personal trainer, her work clients and some of my other siblings. I often feel like asking her "where are your priorities at?"

@YourTruthorMine

Apparently my mother shuddered when my dad told her I was pregnant. She didn't bother to come and see my son until he was 6 months old. My children are now teenagers and she has babysat for them once. I don't see her now, she never phones. The only contact is a tenner in a card on their Birthdays. The only thing she cares about is her writing and semi feral cats. (which she uses as an excuse not to see anyone)

I just can’t understand how someone can be so distant to their own child AND not even think twice about whether it’s an ok situation. Some people are so emotionally cold and I don’t get it. My mums and exactly the same. She doesn’t have any friends and is obsessed with her two small dogs. She lives as a total recluse apart from the odd visit from me or a sibling, I rarely visit and my brothers visit about once every 3 weeks. She has nothing to fill her time, no hobbies, clubs, just her dogs and she’s perfectly happy with that. It’s so odd that even though she has no one else she still won’t make an effort with her children

I have to add that all of this is definitely confirming that I am infact a good mum to my own daughter.
I beat myself up daily telling myself I’m not and feeling guilty, which I know a lot of us mums deal with.
I tell my child every day that I love her, we cuddle read stories, play, I take an interest In what’s going on at school. None of these things I remember my own mum doing.
I hope we have so much of a better bond when she’s older than me and my mum.

@Watchclock

I have to add that all of this is definitely confirming that I am infact a good mum to my own daughter. I beat myself up daily telling myself I’m not and feeling guilty, which I know a lot of us mums deal with. I tell my child every day that I love her, we cuddle read stories, play, I take an interest In what’s going on at school. None of these things I remember my own mum doing. I hope we have so much of a better bond when she’s older than me and my mum.

You sound like an amazing mum, your daughter is very lucky 💞

Spent my whole teens either at school or in my bedroom. Never went out at weekends, never had holidays. Was bullied at school for being pale and looking ill. Was not fed properly, had things like a slice of bread and ketchup. Neither parent did anything to help me. Instead they told me how pathetic I was and that I'd end up in a mental institution. Both horrible people, not just my mum. Although I believe my mum was probably mentally ill, it's hard to forgive them for the childhood I had.

@Fetchthevet

Spent my whole teens either at school or in my bedroom. Never went out at weekends, never had holidays. Was bullied at school for being pale and looking ill. Was not fed properly, had things like a slice of bread and ketchup. Neither parent did anything to help me. Instead they told me how pathetic I was and that I'd end up in a mental institution. Both horrible people, not just my mum. Although I believe my mum was probably mentally ill, it's hard to forgive them for the childhood I had.

That’s awful, I hope you’ve managed to build a good life for yourself despite having no role models. You’re very strong for getting through what sounds like a tough childhood

Some women are not maternal and don't know how to parent. I think before contraception was widely available a lot of women just had children and then hated being a mother. My mother said having children was 'expected' and 'what you did'. Coupled with that, many of these women had babies incredibly young by today's standards, and so given that they might have their first child in their early twenties in the first year of marriage, many just couldn't cope.

My MIL had her first at 21 and was clueless. She ended up on tranquillisers . My own mother was very immature, had never had a proper boyfriend before my father and knew nothing about men. She didn't even realise she was pregnant initially and when I arrived couldn't really cope. In addition, women didn't generally work, and there were no toddler groups or NCT groups. They were isolated at home, bored, lonely and unsupported in many cases.
It's not an excuse, but puts things in context.

@TheElvishQueen

Some women are not maternal and don't know how to parent. I think before contraception was widely available a lot of women just had children and then hated being a mother. My mother said having children was 'expected' and 'what you did'. Coupled with that, many of these women had babies incredibly young by today's standards, and so given that they might have their first child in their early twenties in the first year of marriage, many just couldn't cope. My MIL had her first at 21 and was clueless. She ended up on tranquillisers . My own mother was very immature, had never had a proper boyfriend before my father and knew nothing about men. She didn't even realise she was pregnant initially and when I arrived couldn't really cope. In addition, women didn't generally work, and there were no toddler groups or NCT groups. They were isolated at home, bored, lonely and unsupported in many cases. It's not an excuse, but puts things in context.

Yeah, I do often think about that. It must have been so hard back in those days, but then wasn’t there no of a “village” which you don’t have these days? More support from neighbours and other mums as they were all generally not working? I can understand the difficulties back in those days and can sympathise, but I don’t think that’s an excuse to take it out on your children until adulthood, therefore giving them a lifetime of feeling unloved and a burden

No it isn’t an excuse but it’s w reason why many women had depression or just couldn’t parent effectively. My own mother didn’t have neighbours or any support in the community. Her family were also overseas.

Reading this thread has been sobering. My dad was an alcoholic when I was a child. He is a classic narcissist, sober now but totally self-obsessed.

My mum to everyone else is soft and warm but really did fail me and my brother by not leaving my dad.

Funny people have mentioned periods: I used toilet roll as well. We learnt about periods in primary school and when I tried to talk to my mum about them she shut the conversation down. I had heavy painful periods and could never talk to her about them.

I have a 4 year girl and I vow when she's older I will be open and talk to her about these things. My daughter knows words such as 'vulva'. Guess what? My mum hated that!

I find it all very hard to reconcile in my mind. I think my dad thinks he gave us a great childhood but he is a useless man. My lovely brother has gone low contact with them both- fortunately we have a good relationship

Can I ask those who still have contact how do you cope ?
I've known for a few days that my parents are coming next week for my DD birthday tea and the anxiety and panic attacks have kicked in already.

They never stay for long, sometimes never even take their coats off, but whilst they are with me there is always an uncomfortable atmosphere. I feel such a disappointment and failure in comparison to my siblings and actually cannot wait for them to leave so I can start to recover.

I know exactly how you feel. I was NC for three years and there have been long periods since when I haven’t been in touch.
I felt liberated for a long time but then the guilt kicked in. I worried about it and felt I ought to do something although I didn’t want to. It’s tough to just walk away altogether. Also you feel you are depriving your children of that relationship.

Everything is always about how she's been made to feel upset by something

This in spades. When I told her my child had eventually been diagnosed with severe LD her reaction was 'Everybody else gets normal grandkids, why did this have to happen to me?' And her tone wasn't sad, it was bitter. She almost spat it out. It was a bit upsetting for me but I was used to this type of behaviour. One time I was due to visit her 100 miles away and my child was too ill to travel so I couldn't go. She simply didn't
believe me and rang my friend in her area, where she believed I'd gone instead🤷‍♀️ She was jealous that I visited other people while I was there. So many examples but it would wear me and most readers out to list them. I could have also written most of the OP . My mother was selfish, accusatory, bitter and the very opposite of supportive. God knows how I've turned out so normal 🤪

Having said all that, it was just how she was and it was my normal. Looking back, from the position of observing many family relationships, she obviously had MH problems. They used to call it "suffering with your nerves". Well my mother definitely suffered with her nerves. I actually don't feel the need for therapy, I know I'm the way I am from the lack of even a modest amount of decent mothering. My own children have had a very different upbringing from mine. Their happiness is my happiness. (Within reason. I'm not a walkover)
I feel better for writing that :)