Anyone else with an emotionally unavailable mum?

[Watchclock]

Since as long as I can remember my mum has been so emotionally unavailable to me.
I’ve never been able to talk to her about anything really. Things like starting my period, I hid it from her until she found out packs of pads had been disappearing and found some of my underwear.
I never spoke to her about contraception when I started my first serious relationship at 15.
I started self harming around age 18 and she knew but said nothing and just took my means to self harming away which she found in my room.
I never told her I was pregnant until I was showing and couldn’t hide it.
These are just some of the key memories I have.
Having my own daughter who’s getting a bit older now I encourage her to talk about everything and always reassure her I’m there for her for anything.
The point to all this is that it’s been really tough, and I just wanted to talk to anyone else who might have similar mothers? I’m NC with my dad so that doesn’t help and if I’m honest it’s a really lonely situation.
All I’ve seen throughout my life is everyone else with such a good relationship with their mum and who’s mums are so helpful and caring and I don’t think others can relate.
I have metal health issues I think mainly as a result of my mum always being so cold towards me.

I have an amazing partner and some close dear friends I can confide in, but I know no one in real life in a similar situation with their mum and it would be nice to speak to someone who can understand where I’m coming from.

[Wanderergirl]

@PhoboPhobia

Just joining in to say me too. I think if asked my Mum would say we’re close but only because we see each other most weeks and she looked after my DCs a lot when they were small (she was a childminder and I paid her).

But she isn’t really very interested in anything going on in my life. I’ve had some quite bad MH issues in the last year and have had a couple of periods of time off work. She knows nothing about any of it because she wouldn’t know how to respond and would just change the subject except to tell me I need to be careful in case I lose my job.

I have a very emotionally supportive DH. My MIL is lovely and I do occasionally talk to her and I am very open with my DCs. My DD and I have the kind of relationship I used to wish I had with my Mum.

I’m beyond it now I think. I understand more why she is like it. Her parents were very much like it and, as the oldest of 4, she didn’t get much attention or affection. (Not saying that’s normal in bigger families, just that’s how it was in hers).

My Mum doesn’t really know how to have a conversation. She only knows how to talk at you and pause every now and then to make sure you agree with her!

Sorry for replying to such an old thread, but after reading up about my own situation, I couldn’t help but reply to this.

You sound a lot like my DM who felt she was unloved all her life by her parents (middle child). No offence, but it is very possible that it is only yourself who thinks you have relationship you wished for with your DD and she’s young so she takes it as it’s normal. Apologies, if it isn’t true and I misunderstood you completely.

I was in a position of your DD and I can hardly think of having my own children, because I had to be supportive to her emotional needs from very young age, due to her being too open with me. Sometimes being open about grown up issues isn’t great, because as children we automatically assume we need to save our parents. I mean it from all my heart, that it’s worth to be cautious on what and how you share your issues with your DD.

I was forced into parenting role by a grown up woman, who kept convincing me that that’s what closeness is suppose to be between mother and child. She would listen to my issues or be supportive in major life situations, but at the same time I was put into position where I had to be responsible for her happiness. It’s a massive burden to carry for 30 odd years.

And I can say we talk and share and all that to this day, but I’m living in a constant guilt that I’m not doing enough for her, even though I do. And because she was this very loving, open parent, I owe her. I also have to constantly re-assure her that she was an amazing parent. It’s exhausting.

One thing I cannot fully open up about is, how she put her emotional needs before mine and that I’m suffering from anxiety myself. Because she takes it personally. And it becomes about her, how bad parent she was. Then I end up reassuring she wasn’t instead of talking about my issues.

[Snapcrackleandhop]

@lmnoh That is interesting. I've never been close to my mum, been NC for years and find it hard to make and keep friends.

[Iamnotamermaid]

ditto to all of this. Everything both parents know about me could be written onto a postcard. Mother more interested in what I should be rather than what I am. Zero connection but means well for sake of appearances.

As for periods I got a book left on my bed one day and a single pack of pads. That was it, never spoken of except for once when we were in public (In a queue at M&S I think) & she decided they was the time to comment.

[littlebluetrain]

@lmnoh

I know this is an old thread but hopefully some of you may take a look at it from time to time ....

I'm interested to know if some of you have trouble making lasting friendship/ bonding with other females ?

I struggle a lot with this as and have been wondering if it's because I don't have a bond with my mum ?

I honestly don't know what to do and how to be with friends ? I have had friends in the past, but if ever they let me down then I will cut them off or if they have other friends then I presume they prefer them to me.

My mum never encouraged me to make friends but then never spent any time with me either so I was often alone when I was younger. If I ever talked to her about problems with friends she would say "don't bother with her" or "don't chase her".

She doesn't speak kindly of her family and has never spent time with them nor does she have any friends to speak of.

I see people who have great friend connections and they always appear to have great connections with their mothers and I'm wondering if the two are connected or if I'm just unlucky.

I am saddened that I don't have any friends that know me and as I'm getting older, I fear that this is the way it's going to be and that I just need to accept it.

Thankfully I do have a wonderful partner who I can talk openly to about how I feel and I am also very different with my children's friends in a hope that history doesn't repeat itself.

I have had similar experiences with female friendships and have wondered this exact thing. Also, I never really know how to engage with other women who are comfortable sharing a lot of personal experiences/feelings - I never had this growing up and as a child always got the impression that talking about your problems etc was self indulgent.

[lmnoh]

I know this is an old thread but hopefully some of you may take a look at it from time to time ....

I'm interested to know if some of you have trouble making lasting friendship/ bonding with other females ?

I struggle a lot with this as and have been wondering if it's because I don't have a bond with my mum ?

I honestly don't know what to do and how to be with friends ? I have had friends in the past, but if ever they let me down then I will cut them off or if they have other friends then I presume they prefer them to me.

My mum never encouraged me to make friends but then never spent any time with me either so I was often alone when I was younger. If I ever talked to her about problems with friends she would say "don't bother with her" or "don't chase her".

She doesn't speak kindly of her family and has never spent time with them nor does she have any friends to speak of.

I see people who have great friend connections and they always appear to have great connections with their mothers and I'm wondering if the two are connected or if I'm just unlucky.

I am saddened that I don't have any friends that know me and as I'm getting older, I fear that this is the way it's going to be and that I just need to accept it.

Thankfully I do have a wonderful partner who I can talk openly to about how I feel and I am also very different with my children's friends in a hope that history doesn't repeat itself.

[TheElectricBoogaloo]

@Watchclock I completely agree. I’m glad you have an amazing bond with your daughter, I do with mine too. I have two DCs. I hug them, listen to them, tell them I am proud of them and that I love them every day. I too would never want them to experience the range of negative emotions I felt as a child and young person knowing I was a “disappointment” and never “good enough”. I make a big thing about celebrating each one of their successes as mine were largely ignored. I made the decision to leave home as early as I could aged 18. My DCs are older teens and understand I have a very complex relationship with my mother and I’ve been open with them about how I feel.

[Watchclock]

@TheElectricBoogaloo

Thank you for all your posts I feel like I could have written many of them.
My understanding of my mother and her behaviour finally became clear to me a couple of weeks ago when I went to a family party. My cousin was talking about his dad and my mum and their childhood (which my mum has never talked to me about so I now know there’s some trauma there on her side). My cousin said that his dad and my mum were never hugged or told that they were loved by my grandmother, and that my grandmother was actually really nasty to my mum. I burst into tears at this point and my cousin consoled me. I told her that her last comment had just made sense of my entire life…if my mother thought that was parenting then clearly she passed it on!
to you all.

My mum had a bad childhood. Which no child deserves, and I do understand completely why she finds it hard to bond with me.
But in my eyes she could have done better, she didn’t need to say some of the awful things she’s said to me that will stay with me forever.
She didn’t need to make me feel unloved my entire life and be so cold towards me.

I’ve done a thousand times better and have had no role model, she could have done the same
.
I had my daughter as a teen single mum I suffered PND and had no support, I had no bond for a long time, but now we have an amazing bond. I do everything I do for my daughter because I know I don’t want to make her feel anything like I’ve been made to feel

[Watchclock]

@Borgonzola

Does anyone else find Mother's Day really hard? Even finding a card that's not 'best mum in the world' etc is so difficult because when I see that kind of thing my brain automatically thinks 'but she's not'

Yes, every single Mother’s Day card, birthday card etc I find the card with the least words in it, because there’s never a card with anything that I would say to my mum In them.
I’ve often looked at them and wonder what it must be like to search out a card with “worlds best mum” “thank you for all you do” etc

[Grapewrath]

My mum is a narc and preferred my sister because she reminded her of herself. Even my friends used to comment on it. I haven’t seen her in years really- the odd call maybe. She was a shocking Mum. I’m not perfect but I’m much better

[AnFiadhRua]

Yes hate looking at m day cards. Same thoughts. I used to settle on blank cards. My mum has the world's best perception of herself!

[TheElectricBoogaloo]

Thank you for all your posts I feel like I could have written many of them.
My understanding of my mother and her behaviour finally became clear to me a couple of weeks ago when I went to a family party. My cousin was talking about his dad and my mum and their childhood (which my mum has never talked to me about so I now know there’s some trauma there on her side). My cousin said that his dad and my mum were never hugged or told that they were loved by my grandmother, and that my grandmother was actually really nasty to my mum. I burst into tears at this point and my cousin consoled me. I told her that her last comment had just made sense of my entire life…if my mother thought that was parenting then clearly she passed it on!
to you all.

[Borgonzola]

Does anyone else find Mother's Day really hard? Even finding a card that's not 'best mum in the world' etc is so difficult because when I see that kind of thing my brain automatically thinks 'but she's not'

[TheElvishQueen]

@YourTruthorMine

My dad had narcissistic traits and could be abusive, but I got more love from him in one day than I got in my whole lifetime from my emotionally unavailable mother.

Yes I had this too.

[ThinWomansBrain]

I left home when I was 16, several periods on NC after that, because of her attempts to be ultra manipulative.
She's dead now, improved the relationship enormously.

[LouKelly]

Hi , none of this is your fault , I know u think it is bit it isn't . She is who she is and can't help it . My mum was a terror to me , didn't protect me from my dad , neglected me physically mentally and emotionally and was a nasty sneaky mean girl to me all my life . She's old and dying now and is doing her best to ease her own conscience towards me b4 she dies in case their is a God who will punish her .I let her b nice . It's not your fault , my mum is a paranoid narcissist , she can't help herself , neither can yours . B as nice as u can b 2 her but protect yourself . It's not your fault .

[Yants]

@YourTruthorMine

My dad had narcissistic traits and could be abusive, but I got more love from him in one day than I got in my whole lifetime from my emotionally unavailable mother.

Exactly the same with me, my father was domineering and abusive but he still managed to have more love, compassion and empathy than my mother ever had.

[YourTruthorMine]

My dad had narcissistic traits and could be abusive, but I got more love from him in one day than I got in my whole lifetime from my emotionally unavailable mother.

[Watchclock]

@Yants

So glad I've found this thread, another one here with a cool, distant, emotionally unavailable mother who completely lacks any empathy or compassion.

I honestly believe she couldn't care less if I'm dead or alive, in fact a while back when I was feeling particularly low after a series of misfortunes and I made some reference about not wanting to carry on with my life her sneering response was "well you haven't got a life anyway".

This resonates with me, the sneering remarks.
When I was In the depths of PND as a young mum and wanted to make myself feel a bit better, I’d ordered some new clothes online. My mum questioned me buying them, as god forbid I wanted to treat myself.
I told her I “just wanted to feel a bit more normal” her response “but your not normal” I felt like utter shit

Also I’m sorry your mum said that to you, I know the way it feels, gut wrenching.

[Watchclock]

Definitely I shit situation though, not being close to either parent

[Watchclock]

@TheElvishQueen

I know exactly how you feel. I was NC for three years and there have been long periods since when I haven’t been in touch.
I felt liberated for a long time but then the guilt kicked in. I worried about it and felt I ought to do something although I didn’t want to. It’s tough to just walk away altogether. Also you feel you are depriving your children of that relationship.

Yeah exactly, as I’m NC with my dad my daughter doesn’t have a grandad on my side (nor does he make any effort to try and see his only grandchild)
So there’s just my mum and my partners parents who are both not well, and although they make an effort it’s hard for them.
If I was to go NC with my mum I’d be depriving my child of that relationship and I know the guilt would get to me.
It is very tough to walk away, I was the same with my dad for many years we wouldn’t talk then guilt kicked in and we started talking again.
It’s a relief now, I’m older, and I feel NC is definitely what I need with him. I’m just torturing myself trying so desperately to have a relationship with him when all the effort is one sided.

[Yants]

So glad I've found this thread, another one here with a cool, distant, emotionally unavailable mother who completely lacks any empathy or compassion.

I honestly believe she couldn't care less if I'm dead or alive, in fact a while back when I was feeling particularly low after a series of misfortunes and I made some reference about not wanting to carry on with my life her sneering response was "well you haven't got a life anyway".

[Naughtynovembertree]

Mine was amazing But having such a Wonderful mum, It took me a few while to realise just how utterly bizzare and cold dh mum is.
I still struggle to come to terms with now awful she is after 18 years.

[BlueTouchPaper]

Everything is always about how she's been made to feel upset by something

This in spades. When I told her my child had eventually been diagnosed with severe LD her reaction was 'Everybody else gets normal grandkids, why did this have to happen to me?' And her tone wasn't sad, it was bitter. She almost spat it out. It was a bit upsetting for me but I was used to this type of behaviour. One time I was due to visit her 100 miles away and my child was too ill to travel so I couldn't go. She simply didn't
believe me and rang my friend in her area, where she believed I'd gone instead🤷‍♀️ She was jealous that I visited other people while I was there. So many examples but it would wear me and most readers out to list them. I could have also written most of the OP . My mother was selfish, accusatory, bitter and the very opposite of supportive. God knows how I've turned out so normal 🤪

Having said all that, it was just how she was and it was my normal. Looking back, from the position of observing many family relationships, she obviously had MH problems. They used to call it "suffering with your nerves". Well my mother definitely suffered with her nerves. I actually don't feel the need for therapy, I know I'm the way I am from the lack of even a modest amount of decent mothering. My own children have had a very different upbringing from mine. Their happiness is my happiness. (Within reason. I'm not a walkover)
I feel better for writing that :)

[TheElvishQueen]

I know exactly how you feel. I was NC for three years and there have been long periods since when I haven’t been in touch.
I felt liberated for a long time but then the guilt kicked in. I worried about it and felt I ought to do something although I didn’t want to. It’s tough to just walk away altogether. Also you feel you are depriving your children of that relationship.

[lmnoh]

Can I ask those who still have contact how do you cope ?
I've known for a few days that my parents are coming next week for my DD birthday tea and the anxiety and panic attacks have kicked in already.

They never stay for long, sometimes never even take their coats off, but whilst they are with me there is always an uncomfortable atmosphere. I feel such a disappointment and failure in comparison to my siblings and actually cannot wait for them to leave so I can start to recover.