Anyone else with an emotionally unavailable mum?

[Watchclock]

Since as long as I can remember my mum has been so emotionally unavailable to me.
I’ve never been able to talk to her about anything really. Things like starting my period, I hid it from her until she found out packs of pads had been disappearing and found some of my underwear.
I never spoke to her about contraception when I started my first serious relationship at 15.
I started self harming around age 18 and she knew but said nothing and just took my means to self harming away which she found in my room.
I never told her I was pregnant until I was showing and couldn’t hide it.
These are just some of the key memories I have.
Having my own daughter who’s getting a bit older now I encourage her to talk about everything and always reassure her I’m there for her for anything.
The point to all this is that it’s been really tough, and I just wanted to talk to anyone else who might have similar mothers? I’m NC with my dad so that doesn’t help and if I’m honest it’s a really lonely situation.
All I’ve seen throughout my life is everyone else with such a good relationship with their mum and who’s mums are so helpful and caring and I don’t think others can relate.
I have metal health issues I think mainly as a result of my mum always being so cold towards me.

I have an amazing partner and some close dear friends I can confide in, but I know no one in real life in a similar situation with their mum and it would be nice to speak to someone who can understand where I’m coming from.

@AlbertBridge

What's hitting me from all these posts is that none of you talked to your mums about stuff. Why was that? Because it reads to me (again, as someone who is seen as emotionally distant) that your mums might have been DYING to help but weren't given the chance?

@AlbertBridge no- anything that I would try to speak to my mother about would be used to mock me, or shared with people who really didn't have any need to be privy to that kind of information about me.

For me, I eventually realized that my mother just wasn't capable of anything else. So I reconciled myself to the situation that she had issues that she was never going to improve, told her I didn't care how she talked to me but she was never going to talk like that to my daughters, and learned to live with it. And when she passed, I just wasn't capable of saying anything at her funeral. I also use my relationship with my mum as an example of how not to be with my daughters, to make sure they have a loving and caring mum.

My mum is just like this too.

Partly I think because her own mother - my granny - was 40 when she had her, and my mum's upbringing was almost Victorian/Edwardian. Things just weren't talked about.

When I was about 10, my mum went to the Church of Scotland bookshop in George St in Edinburgh and bought a "growing up" book, put it in my room and left me to it. All I remember taking away from the book was that you HAD to be married to have a baby. I seriously thought until I was about 14 that it was somehow physically impossible for unmarried women to get pregnant. Because the book said only married women could have babies.

Never spoke to me about contraception. Although to be fair I would never have spoken to her about it either. Disinterested in pregnancy niggles - apparently morning sickness and the rest of it is "all in the mind".

I don't doubt she loves me and my brother, and all her grandchildren, but she just doesn't DO the emotional stuff.

If you try to speak to your mother and they laugh and make you feel small and silly you eventually stop as you cannot stand the feeling that you are not good enough.

Yeah, I got that. Tell my mum my something about my deepest inner thoughts and she'd burst out laughing. Or tell her something very personal and a few days later a friend of hers would talk to me about it. And when I'd ask why she told that friend, she'd deny she had. I think she genuinely didn't realise she did it, it was such an ingrained habit to talk like that she'd forget she'd done it.

What really put the tin lid on the whole thing though was when she complained that I didn't tell her about things and was quite withdrawn. Well, I don't know mum, but perhaps if dad didn't hit me and you didn't laugh at me, I might open up a bit more, no?

My mum is like this too. I think I'm too embarrassed to admit this to any of my friends. It would seems so weird to people with normal relationships with their parents. I do think my mum has had depression all her life though. I spoke to her about this once to try to help her, but she dismissed my views as usual and wouldn't talk about it. I feel sorry for her now and I have accepted she will never be the mum I want / need her to be.

Yes, mine’s definitely emotionally unavailable. I’m trying my best to be there for my ten year old. Think my mum finds it odd when my daughter hugs me!

@user1471462428

I had counselling for a abusive relationship recently and realised that whilst my ex is/was controlling my mother is extremely abusive and emotionally unavailable. She was similar to some of the mums on here, never available when I was a teenager, always having a weekend away to herself. She was also hideously abusive financially and I had to pay for everything myself, school meals, clothing, school trips (I couldn’t afford the final year trip and was the only pupil left in school), sanitary towels. She also ignored my heavy periods or gaslighted me about it. She has pulled a lot of attention seeking stunts when I am meant to be having a nice period in my life. She had a cold mother who she absolutely hero worshipped and my sister hero worships her. I’m trying to break the cycle and not beg for love from someone who clearly despises me.

So sad.

my mum's upbringing was almost Victorian/Edwardian. Things just weren't talked about.

My grandparents were born in and around WWI and brought up in its aftermath. My parents were born during WW2, in an area that was blitzed. I do think there is a huge amount of trauma that was carried down through the generations and not talked about. For all I think they made mistakes and at times really messed up, I do think they were carrying a lot of trauma that has never been acknowledge as such. And when people now whinge about snowflakes and social liberalism and talk about being woke as if it's a bad thing, I think nope. Look at what went before. If we're avoiding that and we're more sensitive to each other's needs, that is a very good thing.

@BertramLacey

my mum's upbringing was almost Victorian/Edwardian. Things just weren't talked about.

My grandparents were born in and around WWI and brought up in its aftermath. My parents were born during WW2, in an area that was blitzed. I do think there is a huge amount of trauma that was carried down through the generations and not talked about. For all I think they made mistakes and at times really messed up, I do think they were carrying a lot of trauma that has never been acknowledge as such. And when people now whinge about snowflakes and social liberalism and talk about being woke as if it's a bad thing, I think nope. Look at what went before. If we're avoiding that and we're more sensitive to each other's needs, that is a very good thing.

I agree about the trauma. Certainly see it in my family. There is a balance though between stoicism and getting on with things, and the way we are now. We’ve swung too far to the other extreme I think. No one has much resilience or ability to think for themselves anymore. We all think we’re immortal, and entitled to anything we want when we want it.

Yes. I left home very young. Made me very independent. Her own mum died in child birth and she was brought up by her gran. She had many qualities but talking about feelings wasn't one of them.

@ThinWomansBrain

everyone else with such a good relationship with their mum WOW - eben if sheltered in RL, Is this the fist time you've read anything on MN? - plenty enough examples that that's not the case. And don't forget that the picture perfect "living their best life" examples whim you know probably aren't necessarily showing a 360degree warts and all picture - there's probably dirty laundry hiding somewhere.

Obviously I don’t mean EVERYONE, it’s like people talk about social media and everyone’s “perfect lives” of course we don’t think every single person has a prefect life and we don’t, it’s the way we portray things. Most People in my life seem to have a good relationship with their mum, and as I’ve always had a very rocky relationship with my dad and now completely NC, I just felt lonely as felt I had no one who could relate to how I feel in real life and wanted to reach out. I did do a search through mumsnet beforehand and some similar things did come up but I wanted to start a thread to talk to others feeling similar.

Yes.

She has never hugged me, kissed me, told me she's proud or I am doing anything well.
She did used to throw Pyrex dishes at me, call me mental, tell me my hair was awful, my clothes were awful, I was awful.. I was an annoyance in her life. She never played with me, read me stories, go to school concerts or the sports I was heavily involved with.

She believed having children ruined your life. I never wanted children because having chikdren seemed appalling. I got pregnant accidently. It was a revelation....

Sometimes I catch myself saying something to my children in her tone of voice and I give myself a quick kick.

I tell my kids I'm proud of them, I love them. I
I enjoy their company. They are teenagers now, still lots of hugs and love yous.

It still hurts. Always will.
If you have a mum whom you go out for a coffee and cake with - I'm the one at the next table watching, smiling and imagining that was me.

Me too .....

When my older sister left home, I found the environment between my mum and dad very toxic and I felt very alone.
I also use to self harm for a release and my mum only commented on the blood stained cloths rather than asking why ?
See was disgusted by any bf's that I had and left it to my Dad to talk about the facts of life.
She never took an interest in any of my friends, my schooling or work life so she actually knows nothing about me at all.

I use to think our relationship was 'normal' until I saw how others behaved and then I was confused.

I grieve for the relationship that I've never had and do believe that it's the reason why I struggle to make friends and keep friendships going as I just don't know what to do.

I feel like I'm too needy and sensitive and end up feeling like I must have done something when people no longer contact me.

Social media is a killer for highlighting mum and daughter relationships and friendships relationships as I know this is something that I'll never have but desperately crave.

Im a single mum now and I talk to my children about everything and anything. I do worry that they will see my depression and sadness regarding my lack of friendships and relationships and hope that they are socially more able than I am.

I occasionally still see my Mum, usually only at school holidays, but it's very difficult for me and my anxiety afterwards is through the roof for days.

It's reassuring (and depressing) to know that others have been affected by this, and I sympathise with all of you. I'm 36 and my mother has never told me she loves me or is proud of me, has never hugged or kissed me. She has always veered between cold, emotionless detachment and downright cruelty. She never spoke to me about periods or sex, and I was sixteen before she begrudgingly offered to take me shopping for a bra. I was constantly told my hair was a mess, I was spotty, I wasn't sitting right, eating right, walking right. Never a kind word. It was draining. I was bullied at school almost to the point of suicide and again, would never have dared tell her, because I knew I would somehow be blamed. We never spoke about anything except very surface level things, anything involving any kind of emotion or feeling wouldn't have been entertained, so I learned not to bother.

I vividly remember, once, as a tearful thirteen year old, asking Dad why Mum didn't love me. He went downstairs and told her, and I could hear her laughing. I'll remember that for the rest of my life. If my own children ever doubted my love for them I'd be devastated, but she didn't even care enough to walk upstairs and comfort me.

It has affected me hugely. My self confidence has always been cripplingly low, and I really struggle to vocalise my own feelings. I have no real friends, just acquaintances, and I married the first person who asked, simply because I thought I would never do any better and I was desperate for someone to love me. Sometimes I hear myself starting to speak to my own daughters in her voice, and I have to give myself a shake.

I used to work for an estate agent and can vividly remember a twenty something woman showing her Mum around a house she had just had an offer accepted on. Her lovely Mum kept telling her how proud she was and how she couldn't wait to come round for coffee. I had to excuse myself to the loo to compose myself because it was making me really tearful.

It's so hard to relate to other people when they assume that everyone has a loving mum.

I didn't want hugs from mine.

It still hurts. Always will.
If you have a mum whom you go out for a coffee and cake with - I'm the one at the next table watching, smiling and imagining that was me.

Exactly, this is me. Sometimes I’ve been hanging out with friends and their mums and I imagine for a moment I’m part of their family, and feel the sense of belonging and support.

Yup, me too. And my dad is an emotionally abusive narc too, which hasn't helped.
I too only realised how bad it was until i had my own dc. As it happens, i had it out with them the other day, and both disclosed and reminded them of some of the appalling things that happened to me on their watch, which they let happen.
Their response was fascinating, and confirmed what I already knew. That there is something massively wrong with both of them. They weren't upset by what i said, tried to jump in with their own childhood woes, and just apologised as if they'd knocked my tea over. It was so weird, as if they're not wired like everyone else.
I didn't really get what i needed from them, buti got confirmation of what they are, and at least i told them everything while they're still alive.
Much love to everyone here who has experienced similar.

I love my mum very much and she has a good heart but boy is she awkward. She gave me a book when I was 10 to explain puberty and never spoke to me about it. Didn't get the sex talk either, she's quite prudish. As a child I was very attached to her, even a little possessive at times, but I have very few memories of connecting with her emotionally as an adult and talk a lot more about personal things with my dad. Love them both though, they're both great parents.

@AlbertBridge

What's hitting me from all these posts is that none of you talked to your mums about stuff. Why was that? Because it reads to me (again, as someone who is seen as emotionally distant) that your mums might have been DYING to help but weren't given the chance?

I texted both my mum and my dad recently to tell them about something awful that happened to me when they wouldn't collect me from a night out (this was brought on by them being difficult about collecting one of my dc on one of the few occasions that I couldn't). Neither of them answered the message. I asked them why a few weeks later and was told that they didn't know what to say.

@paisley256 Your post really resonates with me and a lot of the feelings I have towards my own mother right now. She is retired now and very bored & lonely so will want to message me for hours on end about nothing in particular- yet still has no interest in DC etc. I feel it is too little too late- my DB (who has a very different relationship with her and a very different childhood to mine) pushes me to call her more yet I can’t push past the fact she has been so distant my whole life. She also wouldn’t think to call me ever no matter what is going on in my life, even when DS was seriously ill. Also the bit about making them look good- so true!

The thing I find very odd is that she clearly knows what a more ‘healthy’ family relationship would look like- I know from mutual acquaintances that she paints a very different picture to them, and she also posts things on social media that give a very different impression (such as reposting my photos as if she was there, sharing grandmother posts etc).

@AlbertBridge like pp I also tried to speak to my mum on a number of occasions at the time, and also once I was an adult I questioned her about a few things that bothered me greatly. I was really hoping she would give me some explanation or even just be regretful for her actions, however she remembered fully and her explanations were all about sparing my DB any pain or distress-proving what I had thought at the time. There was no apology and instead she told me my childhood wasn’t as bad as hers so I couldn’t complain. Funny thing is the part of her childhood she was referring to was exactly the situation she put me in with those actions.

@DDUW

I have tried to talk to her so many times. She is horrified at the very idea. You can't talk at someone who doesn't want to engage with you. It's the parent's job to foster a relationship at the beginning so that the child can come to them.

I have asked in the past why my mother never hugged me and her response was, "Well, you never hugged me!". How was I, as a small child, meant to know to go and hug my mother, when I had never been hugged?

Mine will literally get up and walk through the door with me still speaking! 🙈🤷🏻‍♀️

My DM meant well, I believe, but she was shut off emotionally from my siblings and me when we were growing up. I don’t think she knew how to be any different, probably because she herself was orphaned at 10 and then sexually abused by the uncle who became her guardian.

The result was that my DSis and I were never able to tell her that our F was sexually abusing us, which came as a great shock to her when we told her a few years ago. (I’ve accepted her word that she didn’t know, though it happened under her nose and shows how distant she was from us, I think.)

She doesn’t see this, though. She’s always seen herself as being very approachable and really can’t understand why neither of us told her anything. Which can feel like she’s blaming us for not doing so.

I still can’t approach her about what happened because she bursts into tears if ever I bring it up. So I then have to reassure her that I forgive her and don’t hold it against her. More recently, she’s asked me not to bring it up, so that I don’t ‘ruin her time with her DGDs’.

My DM hasn’t failed me in the way that other posters’ mothers have, I know that. It was my F who was the abuser and he died many years ago. Hence I do have a relationship with her, though it isn’t an easy one because I do resent the fact that she wasn’t there for us when we were growing up.

It’s something I’m particularly conscious of now that I have DDs and I’ve put a lot of effort into being emotionally available to them, which isn’t something that comes naturally to me because of my background.

It could be a generational thing, it’s only quite recent that we as parents are able to be openly in love with our children as previously it would have been seen as ‘indulging and and spoiling’. Children were seen but not heard etc We are all much more aware of how we are shaped by our histories, just as our mothers were shaped by theirs.

All of the above. Although my mum suffered VERY badly from depression so I do kind of think she tried her best, under the circumstances (she brought us up alone in the 70s, little money, lots of stigma around divorce). I have had years of therapy and have been a very different type of parent to my own children.