Anyone else with an emotionally unavailable mum?

[Watchclock]

Since as long as I can remember my mum has been so emotionally unavailable to me.
I’ve never been able to talk to her about anything really. Things like starting my period, I hid it from her until she found out packs of pads had been disappearing and found some of my underwear.
I never spoke to her about contraception when I started my first serious relationship at 15.
I started self harming around age 18 and she knew but said nothing and just took my means to self harming away which she found in my room.
I never told her I was pregnant until I was showing and couldn’t hide it.
These are just some of the key memories I have.
Having my own daughter who’s getting a bit older now I encourage her to talk about everything and always reassure her I’m there for her for anything.
The point to all this is that it’s been really tough, and I just wanted to talk to anyone else who might have similar mothers? I’m NC with my dad so that doesn’t help and if I’m honest it’s a really lonely situation.
All I’ve seen throughout my life is everyone else with such a good relationship with their mum and who’s mums are so helpful and caring and I don’t think others can relate.
I have metal health issues I think mainly as a result of my mum always being so cold towards me.

I have an amazing partner and some close dear friends I can confide in, but I know no one in real life in a similar situation with their mum and it would be nice to speak to someone who can understand where I’m coming from.

I hate posts like this as it makes it impossible to pretend my own mother was just a one off cunt. I was in my 30s when I first realised lots of people suffered the lack of emotion/support from the person who is supposed to give them the most. I'm so sorry for everyone. I remember getting into trouble for hiding dirty pants in my drawer (she went through them) but instead of discussing periods with me she just made me do the washing. She kicked me out when I was 15 because she found out I was 'seeing' a married man - I was 15 and needed protecting from this abuse, not punished. The story didn't get any better but a few years ago I went NC because we used to meet occasionally and I honestly got nothing out of it and felt like I was meeting a stranger. I told her by letter then I couldn't keep doing that and we didn't have any sort of relationship- she messaged me and said 'ok'

As for emotions I’m always told I’m feeling sorry for myself and so many others have it worse if I ever try to confide about anything troubling me to her.

@Watchclock yes this is another message that resonates with me - i was always told "You don't know what a hard life is" . If I thought I looked nice I'd be told "Sure who'd be looking at you anyway"

I have retrained as a psychotherapist in the last few years - which gives me an appreciation for what might have happened to her to shape how she was with us. I was also watching Sex, Love and Goop on Netflix and the Family constellations episode really gave me pause to think about how her parents and their parents impacted her.

@Augusta1 that's a great mantra. I may not have used it before, but I do think I live it every day

I hope that everyone on this thread has / can come to some level of peace with themselves in this situation.

Does anyone else find this time of year tricky? I know it’s not the case but if feels like everyone has loving big families. I remember this time last year being pleased (for me - not others) that we didn’t feel unusual for having a small low key Christmas as this is our norm.

Where to start?! We do hugs. The relationship is completely superficial. I'd say she knows more about other people than me.

@Happyharry2003 in our family we make a point of when we have kids, staying home in our own houses for Christmas Day. I have invited her to my house on several occasions but the responses range from "I don't know what I am doing for Christmas this year yet" to "I'm staying with your sister". Not even a thank you for the invitation.

And yes 2319inaction to telling my husband that he's so good for putting up with me - although that one isn't reserved just for me. My other sisters get it too.

My mother hates me. Actually hates me. She is never happier than if things are going badly for me, and never more angry than when things are going well.

I had a 7 year period of NC in my 20s but stupidly let her back in when I fell pregnant with my first. Have been NC again now for 8/9 years and will never go back. She gets a kick out of hurting me.

I know why she hates me (I am the deliberate product of her affair with a married man but things didn't pan out with my dad the way she wanted.) but yes it still hurts. Counselling helped loads.

I try to be kind to the little girl I was still am who has never been told she is loved by her mum.

My mother was like this too. She wasn’t mean, just not emotionally available. It made me feel very alone and vulnerable in the world. As a rule, I wasn’t bullied, but I remember one incident when I was 5 years old where some older children at school backed me into a corner and tried to make me talk to them. I was painfully shy at that age to the point I could barely speak to anyone unless I knew them well. The experience terrified me and I was afraid of it happening again, but I didn’t say a thing about it to my mother.

When I started my period, I hid it from her. I actually didn’t realise what it was and thought I was peeing blood. I hid that medical fear too. When I developed breasts, I secretly went to a department store on my own and figured out a bra long after I’d first wanted one. When I developed acne, I was really self-conscious about it. I just remember her saying that she’d never had bad skin and that I probably just needed to drink more water and improve my diet. In essence, she made me feel that it was my fault.

I skipped over a lot of the drama of a typical teen by simply not having much of a life. Any friends that I had were superficial, I didn’t date and I did well in school. When I met my now DH, I didn’t tell her about him for years. We never talked about sex or relationships at any stage. The closest she ever came was telling me that she didn’t want me to date until I was 16. My sister also self-harmed when she was a teenager. As far as I know, she never talked to her about it.

Basically, I’ve never had an emotionally intimate or vulnerable conversation with my mother. She’s never said she loved me. I’ve never hugged her. She’s almost never seen me cry. She’s even told me that I rarely cried as a baby, which seems strange. Whenever I’ve had an emotionally-charged problem, I’ve hidden it from her. It’s almost like I was an orphan, but people around me didn’t know.

I don’t have children, but if I do in the future, I would be so different with them. I’d hate it if they felt as alone as I did. I think it made me hypervigilant to my surroundings. Everything felt dangerous because I didn’t have a support network behind me to soften the blow. If something bad happened to me, I had to navigate it on my own. So I just tried not to get hit.

I can relate to this, my mum just doesn't like me. Doesn't see me as a separate person with my own needs or life. I am in some sort of constant competition with her which I never asked for and can't understand the rules of. She's jealous of me and will never ever celebrate anything I've ever done or be genuinely happy for me, it's all about her. It's taken me years to accept that her treatment of me was actually sustained emotional abuse. I read a book called 'Discovering the Inner Mother' by Bethany Webster (If you Google her the first chapter is an article that went viral it's excellent) and it's brought me an immense amount of peace and understanding. It's really hard growing up without unconditional love. I would have given anything for it.

I could write a book OP but all I wanted to say was the relationship I have with both my kids is way different and she sees it and she hates it and where I was voiceless for years my kids tell her how much they love me and how special I am to them and he sees this and she can;t fail to see the random acts of warmth and kindness me and my kids share and she hates it, I am glad she does cos that means I am nothing like her and I genuinely feel like I am winning. You will win too because to fail would mean she has won and I have a feeling you could never let that happen! Keep going,love lots ,be open,laugh and be kind all the things she could never be and never ever apologise for doing a good job!

Honestly I’m astounded by all of your stories.
As I said previously it’s so true that we just don’t talk about these things in real life.
I hope everyone’s inner child can heal, and as adults we can accept and move on.
I’m not there yet but plan to be, I’m planning on sorting some therapy.
I remember a friend once said to me ‘just think at least she’s taught you to be a better mother than her’ it’s true, but still hurts deeply.
I’ve often questioned why I was hated so much and still feel like I am, she never pops round for a cuppa, no shopping trips, no invites for dinner.
My last birthday was just a card sent through the post (she lives in the same town as me) that really stung.

As a child I remember her calling me fat, lazy, ugly and was told I wasn’t normal. Although she would never ever admit to those things. I would never dream of saying those things to my daughter.

I try to tell myself she clearly has issues of her own that need sorting, because you don’t treat your children like this.

I'm 55 and have three amazing kids. My mother hasn't rung me for years. She knows precisely nothing about them. If I ring her and try and talk about them, she changes the subject to either her anti vaxx views or her hatred of Meghan Markle. I don't bother any more. I agree op sometimes it can be really really lonely and hard. But I concentrate on being the best mum I can to my dcs which helps, sounds like you are doing the same thing.

@Happyharry2003
Yes this time of year if especially difficult. I see my mum every Christmas and we all play happy families, whilst I’m told every year that “you know I don’t get you a present as it’s not appreciated anyway” then she does this deep breath sits back in her chair and smiles like she’s so proud of herself for saying it.

Yep, same situation here and no close other family either and as a parent myself I really think that is exacerbated as everyone else I know with children seem to have gotten even closer to their mums/families. I didn't tell my mum when I started my period either and never felt I could go to her with any problems etc, everything I did try to talk about was brushed off as being something trivial. As an adult I have suffered an anxiety disorder for the past 13 years and she still doesn't know about it, nor that I've been to counselling, had cbt etc. She's quite absent with my children too if I'm honest and we only ever see her if I suggest it or make the effort, never her.
My dad died from alcoholism when I was 19 and I.was never close to him either as they'd an abusive relationship and there was domestic and other types of violence and abuse.
Thank you for starting this thread, I was actually thinking about all this last night and have just came across your post. My dh family want to be very involved with my children, which they are lucky they have one set of grandparents wanting to make the effort but if I'm honest it's so bitter sweet for me and hurts my heart as I've no family (that are my actual blood relations) for my children to be close to! it's horrible to have a parent who is technically available but who doesn't try to be involved in your life. it should be said that she is also an alcoholic (not admittedly so, but she drinks each night) and I also think she has anxiety or depression that's went undiagnosed which impacts her, her own mum died when she was 14 so I know she has these issues herself. I just wish she would change her ways for me. I like others try to be the exact opposite for my dc, we have plenty of love and cuddles and questions about feelings etc. Sorry so many others are in the same boat 💐

My mum doesn't send my dds anything on their birthday, just a card. Christmas sometimes she puts a tenner in, sometimes not. She does it deliberately to annoy me I think.

[quote Watchclock]@Happyharry2003
Yes this time of year if especially difficult. I see my mum every Christmas and we all play happy families, whilst I’m told every year that “you know I don’t get you a present as it’s not appreciated anyway” then she does this deep breath sits back in her chair and smiles like she’s so proud of herself for saying it.[/quote]
This is exactly what mine says! But now we don’t go on Christmas Day. I choose to spend the day with my own family and be happy. I do however grit my teeth and see her on Boxing Day or my children wouldn’t see any other family (my brother and dad are enablers and excuse all her behaviour as she never did it to them for some reason). My mum says the reason she never took me bra shopping was because I was too badly behaved!! I wasn’t!

My mother was not at all interested in my life at all, and if I did speak about it would shut me down or use it as an excuse to criticize me (if I had a problem at work she would take the other persons side before I had even explained everything). It is really sad situation to be in. She died a while ago and I am not really missing her. At least now I have a reason why I dont have support from my mother. Sorry this is happening for you, but so glad you have been able to build for yourself and your child what you would have wanted - that is amazingly healing in a lot of ways.

My mother is like this. She will ask sometimes or out on a fake display of affection but it feels like an act. The mask slips quickly and the angry, spiteful person comes out. My mother was never someone in whom I could confide or look to for support. She was critical and distant.
She is very interested in my sister, supportive and forgiving however. Which really hurts.

PS - and hoping this is not hurtful - but I think that if not having children had been more of an accepted option, my mum would never have had kids and a lot of her behaviour was about that. I wonder if there are a lot of people whose mothers were awful for this reason? Not that I feel it is ok, because once you have a child you need to get over yourself and treat them right, but I wonder if that could be part of what happened?

I think having someone in your family like this makes you very sensitive to others feelings. I'd hate anyone to feel invisible, like ive felt.

She also tries to prevent me from speaking to my own DC. She goes berserk if my daughter tries to speak to me, accusing us of having secrets. My DC know they can tell me anything and she actively tries to prevent that.

Can you explain this @DDUW?

Do you live with DM? How is she so involved in your life that she can try to stop your DC from talking to you? I am a bit confused, although I totally understand the dynamic. My DM did all she could to interfere in my relationship with my own DD and make it difficult.

Sometimes for your own peace of mind you just have to accept someone for how they are.
l tried for years to create a mother daughter bond to no avail, l only ended up hurt and disapointed.
Now l have very little contact with my Mum, its actually better for both of us, and l have made sure my own children will never suffer the same agony in regards to having an emotionally available Mum.
l just tell myself she probably did the best with what she knew at the time, l am not sure what her own childhood was like, her own Mum seemed alot warmer than she ever was.

Yanbu. I think studies have shown that having a poor relationship with your mother can really impact you throughout life.

My own mother has never told me she loves me. Never taken an interest in my life. Doesnt know where I work etc, she wouldn't know the way to my house because she's visited twice in 20 years (despite only living an hour away and managing plenty of holidays abroad!).

I do think it's impacted my parenting of my kids. I'm definitely more loving towards them and plan to give them love and financial support until the day I die, however I also have quite high expectations that they should be quite independent, perhaps because I never had much support.

I also wanted to add, a while back I bought the book, The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori. It has some interesting information in it, although admittedly I've just read bits and pieces, it may be helpful if anyone else is interested!