Anyone else with an emotionally unavailable mum?

[Watchclock]

Since as long as I can remember my mum has been so emotionally unavailable to me.
I’ve never been able to talk to her about anything really. Things like starting my period, I hid it from her until she found out packs of pads had been disappearing and found some of my underwear.
I never spoke to her about contraception when I started my first serious relationship at 15.
I started self harming around age 18 and she knew but said nothing and just took my means to self harming away which she found in my room.
I never told her I was pregnant until I was showing and couldn’t hide it.
These are just some of the key memories I have.
Having my own daughter who’s getting a bit older now I encourage her to talk about everything and always reassure her I’m there for her for anything.
The point to all this is that it’s been really tough, and I just wanted to talk to anyone else who might have similar mothers? I’m NC with my dad so that doesn’t help and if I’m honest it’s a really lonely situation.
All I’ve seen throughout my life is everyone else with such a good relationship with their mum and who’s mums are so helpful and caring and I don’t think others can relate.
I have metal health issues I think mainly as a result of my mum always being so cold towards me.

I have an amazing partner and some close dear friends I can confide in, but I know no one in real life in a similar situation with their mum and it would be nice to speak to someone who can understand where I’m coming from.

My mum's awful- not bad enough to walk away with a clear conscience, but utterly selfish and unavailable. A Narc, basically. We survive on grey rock. I have no warm feelings toward her at all- just a bit of pity as her life is rather unfullfilled these days and she has no clue how to help herself.

I've often wondered what I'll say about her on the day of her funeral

You don't need to say or do anything that doesn't feel right for you. My mother, 91yo, was cremated a few weeks ago. It was an unattended cremation, not one of her family (kids, sibling, nieces/nephews etc) was interested in being hypocritical by attending a funeral or having a public display of emotional nothingness. Do what is right for you - noone else has had your experience with your mother. You don't have to explain anything to anyone. Take care x

@AlbertBridge

What's hitting me from all these posts is that none of you talked to your mums about stuff. Why was that? Because it reads to me (again, as someone who is seen as emotionally distant) that your mums might have been DYING to help but weren't given the chance?

Absolutely not! If you try to speak to your mother and they laugh and make you feel small and silly you eventually stop as you cannot stand the feeling that you are not good enough. Only someone who doesn’t have a mother like this could write what you have written

I've often wondered what I'll say about her on the day of her funeral

I told the truth. I said what an evil, toxic bitch she really was towards me and then cut out the arseholes who tried to tell me otherwise. Then I went out and celebrated.

@Watchclock I didn't tell my mother I was pregnant until I was 18 weeks.

At 13 I was stuffing toilet paper in my knickers because I was too ashamed to say I needed sanitary towels and she never left them out, never broached the subject with me so weird.

I always left them in the bathroom so that my daughter could take one. She told me though.

My mother who never talked to me about periods or sex or dating or love or relationships now feels she has the right to dismiss my views because I must be menopausal. I'm 51. I thought how DARE you talk to me like you know what's going on for me right now, or dismiss my views as ''hormonal'' when you wouldn't talk to me when I was 12, or ever.

Anybody watch the video I linked upthread. It really is the best thing I've ever watched for shedding light on what the problem is.

I can understand now my mother is triggered by my inclination to connect honestly. So she shuts down. And I am triggered badly by that. It's a perfect storm.

[quote Whatinthelord]@DDUW

“She goes into great detail about other people. She has a great-nephew 'Tom'. She talks incessantly about Tom and other relatives. Just incredible detail. She knows the names of Tom's friends from school, and what their parents do. The precise hours of Tom's Saturday job. Tom is now at university. My DD wants to do the same course in a few years but because Tom is so exceptional my mother has made her think she's not good enough and she is now looking at other subjects. My mother has met Tom twice, once as a baby and once at about 5. She doesn't know Tom. My youngest has now asked to meet Tom because he is so amazing and he thinks my mother and Tom are best friends, in constant contact. My mother could not tell you one bloody thing about her own grandchildren. “

I so related to that paragraph you wrote. My mum spoke incensetly at me about people she barely knew and I didn’t know at all. “Oh I saw on Facebook that shirley’s baby started walking. He’s only 10 months. He such a cute little thing.” Yet try and have a proper conversation about a real person we both know and she’s apparently incapable.

bizarre. I’ve always wondered what it meant or why she does that.[/quote]
This is so strange my mum is the same. My mum is a gossip though. She will tell everyone down her local pub all of my business but I haven’t seen her for 4 years because she is an alcoholic and a shit mother. Honestly she used to gossip to me about everyone else too. But she is the most selfish parent I’ve ever met in my life. I think of her as a nosy busybody and it apparently only gets worse with age lol. What odd behaviour. She’s the type who will talk non stop about herself too, and people feel so sorry for her because she hints to people about her situation and they all rush to help her. It’s embarrassing to watch because she knows exactly what she’s playing at. Everyone always helps her out, pays for things or offers help. She takes it all but never is there for anyone else if she has to go out of her way. I stopped bothering 4 years ago. She texts me sometimes now and literally gossips about everyone’s news. She assumes I don’t already know, like no one else tells me, or that I don’t speak to the person myself. She always has to be the first one to tell other people’s news. It’s awful. I tell her something by text and within minutes another family member is texting me about what I told her. Because she’s gone and told them my business, nothing is safe with her.

I’m finding it hard with a mum who is very inaccessible emotionally as she gets older and will need a lot more support soon. That will be down to me to facilitate and I feel really worried about how we will relate to each other in future. Has therapy helped lots of you? I feel I will need to try it, to help me manage the next phase of our relationship.

Another person that can relate, from the periods to the the contraception etc..
I have studied attachment and parenting throughout my career and this in a way has been freeing as I realise and acknowledge how the anxious avoidant attachment I had was from her emotional unavailability.
Have never been told “ I love you” by either parents apart from one occasion and this was so hard as a child as me and my siblings would ask frequently especially before bed and never once was told yes, never. Always ah oh il see depending on this/ that.
When I was middle teens my mother had a serious operation which was a complete surprise to me, was told that morning she was going to hospital for a test- nothing more thought of it, light and breezy. That afternoon was told let’s go see her, wasn’t till the door of the hospital my dad said oh btw she’s in intensive care , when asked why he said of because of the cancer. Absolutely shocked to the core and the most lasting part of it all was she was so groggy from the drugs that as we left after the visit she said I love you. Myself and my sibling ( middle/ late teens) were absolutely flooded by this. Neither parents had the appropriate communication skills and displays of emotion ( high or low) were lacking in the house.
Now with children of my own I actively invest time and effort to ensure history doesn’t repeat itself, I hve accepted the emotional unavailability as fact and tried to compartmentalise this and appreciate that surely their own childhood was not ideal as we are all a product of how we grow up. I want to end that cycle now and so pleased to hear from others that despite not having this growing up that we are committed to making our own children lives better. Wishing everyone the absolute best and hugs to all who have the same experience xx

@claymodels

I hate posts like this as it makes it impossible to pretend my own mother was just a one off cunt. I was in my 30s when I first realised lots of people suffered the lack of emotion/support from the person who is supposed to give them the most. I'm so sorry for everyone. I remember getting into trouble for hiding dirty pants in my drawer (she went through them) but instead of discussing periods with me she just made me do the washing. She kicked me out when I was 15 because she found out I was 'seeing' a married man - I was 15 and needed protecting from this abuse, not punished. The story didn't get any better but a few years ago I went NC because we used to meet occasionally and I honestly got nothing out of it and felt like I was meeting a stranger. I told her by letter then I couldn't keep doing that and we didn't have any sort of relationship- she messaged me and said 'ok'

This is so sad. Who wouldn't feel the urge to PROTECT their 15 year old from a predatory married man. Not much use to you but how could she sleep at night, kicking a 15 year old girl who'd been preyed on out of the house. She sounds emotionally dead.

Also, sending good wishes to everyone on the thread who’s finding this specific relationship very hard.

@Uptidy can relate to this, can feel quite resentful can’t it? Knowing the expectation to care will be ours but this will be a struggle, especially if we have distanced ourselves emotionally to manage .

@claymodels I am so sorry this has been your experience xx you didn’t deserve any of what you received xxx

My mother expected me to go from virgin to married with no guidance, support, advice, understanding, talk.............. it was shameful to date a boy but yet she did expect me to get married and I disappointed her that I didn't. The lack of communication was staggering but she doesn't see it. She just looks at me and sees how I embarrassed her. All of her siblings children got married.

AnFiadhRua I watched it! sorry I had meant to comment before. My mother's mother had a weird upper class Edwardian upbringing- raised by a nanny & brought to her parents for an hour twice a week
However my mother was far more emotionally open with her mother than she ever was with me.

I can relate too. My mother had no idea what I was doing as a child and teen. She didn't care but it was easier to tone it down with lies than tell her the truth, because I'd rather she criticise my fake life than my real one.

In some ways I'm glad that I know why she was like it- my two siblings were very unwell and disabled, and died before I was 15. They required 24/7 care and when they died my mother had no purpose. After my sister died my mother referred to my brother as her only child, and when he died she called herself childless, and was even in the local paper when they did an article on parents who've lost children.

I never confided in her too, and when I was 18 I moved out to live with my now DH, who she still has no idea exists. We have a baby after multiple losses and I never once felt she should be there because I didn't know what role a mother plays in their child's life.

She told her friends I'd died when I moved away, so we're NC.

Ive a non available mother too. Every single comment on this thread rings true

• No reaction to anything about me 'mum I have cancer' reply 'oh they can can do great things these days' then never mentions it again. I have cancer again and same non reactive response. But to her neighbours she likes to say 'its the BiG C' when they ask why am I using a stick.

Zero regard to if I want people to know things about me but will wax lyrical about my medical history to neighbours so she gets attention. Over reacts about other peoples tragedies. Tells me in huge detail how sorry she feels about other people. V v critical of the way I look but no in an obvious way. Likes to say how pretty other people are. Rejects help. When I get help then moans about it. Says things like 'ill ask Betty across the road to find me a window cleaner' If I found the window cleaner, my efforts would be rejected. Never says thank you. V v into my brother who can do no wrong.

I basically manage her. I used to get upset when I was younger but now I couldnt care less. I go to see her x2 a week and take her for lunch and a drive. I see it as a task , grey rock and base everything on her needs. When Im yawning and she says 'youre v tired' I just say yes and dont elaborate on it being due to the drugs I take. I literally have no emotional attachment any more.

@DDUW yeh, there is a lot on the school syllabus right now but I would love to see them incorporate a bit about how love should make you feel.

I tried to date men my mother would have approved of but surprise surprise they were turned off by my people pleasing (I think), or, if they weren't, I panicked and fled when they wanted to get to know me, or when I sensed that they were getting to know me.

This was in my 20s when everybody was meeting people. All I was doing was chasing my tail and getting dumped.

Eventually after a decade+ of this I was so tired of trying to meet somebody that I met this guy who right from day one gave me the sense that he didn't fully approve of me how I was. I instantly felt I was too chatty and not clever enough for him, but he kept asking me out so i ended up having two children with a really abusive man who did not recognise that I had any needs. He didn't believe it was possible for him to hurt me! ONLY the other way around. And boy was he quick to tell me when I'd disappointed or hurt him. He got so angry if I every expressed a need. My perspective was a huge affront to him.

Exact same relationship with my mother.

@AlbertBridge
Well that is such a puzzle, why your son won't open up to you. I wonder why that is?

Anyways for everyone one else, who doesn't blame children for the parents failings, the stories on here are very very sad. I am glad you have come through. It will make you better parents to your own kids, although it's a tough price to pay. Neglect casts a long shadow.
Take care xxx

Great thread. Can completely relate happy harry. I have only realised that I’m pretty good at the parenting in the last year. I have had no self esteem in that direction. Problems with trust. I’ve run out of energy with my remaining parent who is also unavailable. I’ve just had enough. Can’t really be bothered

@Uptidy

I’m finding it hard with a mum who is very inaccessible emotionally as she gets older and will need a lot more support soon. That will be down to me to facilitate and I feel really worried about how we will relate to each other in future. Has therapy helped lots of you? I feel I will need to try it, to help me manage the next phase of our relationship.

I completely get this. I am on this situation. I’m the child living closest to her but I have no relationship with her. I feel awful guilt that I don’t see her more often/do more for her, it she upsets me so much. I literally can’t bear being with her. I know also that when she does I will be devastated because it will be too late for anything to change. Society just doesn’t understand when mothers and daughters cannot connect. I tried therapy with her but the therapist told me it was a waste of time! She also said my mother is abusive to me . It’s just so hard. I think you have to be prepared to only do what you feel able or willing to do and not feel guilty. If she hasn’t been there for you, why should you be there for her?

@Greyandrare123

Ive a non available mother too. Every single comment on this thread rings true

• No reaction to anything about me 'mum I have cancer' reply 'oh they can can do great things these days' then never mentions it again. I have cancer again and same non reactive response. But to her neighbours she likes to say 'its the BiG C' when they ask why am I using a stick.

Zero regard to if I want people to know things about me but will wax lyrical about my medical history to neighbours so she gets attention. Over reacts about other peoples tragedies. Tells me in huge detail how sorry she feels about other people. V v critical of the way I look but no in an obvious way. Likes to say how pretty other people are. Rejects help. When I get help then moans about it. Says things like 'ill ask Betty across the road to find me a window cleaner' If I found the window cleaner, my efforts would be rejected. Never says thank you. V v into my brother who can do no wrong.

I basically manage her. I used to get upset when I was younger but now I couldnt care less. I go to see her x2 a week and take her for lunch and a drive. I see it as a task , grey rock and base everything on her needs. When Im yawning and she says 'youre v tired' I just say yes and dont elaborate on it being due to the drugs I take. I literally have no emotional attachment any more.

This could be me. I do wonder what lies behind this sort of behaviour. Lack of empathy, self absorption, need for attention. Need to be seen as a great mother by others when actually she’s borderline abusive. Other relatives look on and think ‘what a nice old lady, why is her daughter not doing more for her’ in my case. My mother will sing everyone else’s praises and make much of how wonderful such and such is whilst making me feel like shit. I think it’s all about power myself. She also favours my sister who can do no wrong.

I had counselling for a abusive relationship recently and realised that whilst my ex is/was controlling my mother is extremely abusive and emotionally unavailable. She was similar to some of the mums on here, never available when I was a teenager, always having a weekend away to herself. She was also hideously abusive financially and I had to pay for everything myself, school meals, clothing, school trips (I couldn’t afford the final year trip and was the only pupil left in school), sanitary towels. She also ignored my heavy periods or gaslighted me about it. She has pulled a lot of attention seeking stunts when I am meant to be having a nice period in my life. She had a cold mother who she absolutely hero worshipped and my sister hero worships her. I’m trying to break the cycle and not beg for love from someone who clearly despises me.

Me too. My mother died when I was 59 (4 years ago) and told me she loved me for the first time when she knew she was close to death. She never once told me she was proud of me despite my being the first person in our family to get A levels, a degree, etc etc.

I could never talk to her about anything personal from a very early age - it made me cringe even to consider it.

everyone else with such a good relationship with their mum
WOW - eben if sheltered in RL, Is this the fist time you've read anything on MN? - plenty enough examples that that's not the case.
And don't forget that the picture perfect "living their best life" examples whim you know probably aren't necessarily showing a 360degree warts and all picture - there's probably dirty laundry hiding somewhere.