Anyone else with an emotionally unavailable mum?

[Watchclock]

Since as long as I can remember my mum has been so emotionally unavailable to me.
I’ve never been able to talk to her about anything really. Things like starting my period, I hid it from her until she found out packs of pads had been disappearing and found some of my underwear.
I never spoke to her about contraception when I started my first serious relationship at 15.
I started self harming around age 18 and she knew but said nothing and just took my means to self harming away which she found in my room.
I never told her I was pregnant until I was showing and couldn’t hide it.
These are just some of the key memories I have.
Having my own daughter who’s getting a bit older now I encourage her to talk about everything and always reassure her I’m there for her for anything.
The point to all this is that it’s been really tough, and I just wanted to talk to anyone else who might have similar mothers? I’m NC with my dad so that doesn’t help and if I’m honest it’s a really lonely situation.
All I’ve seen throughout my life is everyone else with such a good relationship with their mum and who’s mums are so helpful and caring and I don’t think others can relate.
I have metal health issues I think mainly as a result of my mum always being so cold towards me.

I have an amazing partner and some close dear friends I can confide in, but I know no one in real life in a similar situation with their mum and it would be nice to speak to someone who can understand where I’m coming from.

[Whatinthelord]

Yes I have an emotionally unavailable mum and dad.
They both say love you and will kiss me bye, but all of their interaction is surface level. They don’t tell me anything about their own emotions… I found out my dad had been off work for stress for 6 months by coincidence when someone who worked there mentioned it th8nking I would know. They aren’t at all responsive to my emotional needs either, and as an adult I can see they weren’t responsive to me as a child either.

They’re not horrible people, they just lack any level of emotional intelligence probably because they both came from very large, fairly unloving families….so they struggle to give what they didn’t receive

Oddly to an outsider they would look very loving, but anyone closer can see any emotion of affection they display is always aimed at getting their own needs met.

Anyhow I think therapy is a great idea. I think it’s hard reflecting on your relationship with parents especially when you become a parent yourself and have a deeper understanding of what a parent should be like.

I’ve mostly accepted how my parents are. My mum is quite disabled now and so they’re is no possibility of anything getting better. Ive just emotionally disengaged from them and that works for me. I don’t bother seeking what I know they can’t give. I’m still sad/angry about it at time, but I’m getting closer to accepting that it is what it is.

[Whatinthelord]

@DDUW

“She goes into great detail about other people. She has a great-nephew 'Tom'. She talks incessantly about Tom and other relatives. Just incredible detail. She knows the names of Tom's friends from school, and what their parents do. The precise hours of Tom's Saturday job. Tom is now at university. My DD wants to do the same course in a few years but because Tom is so exceptional my mother has made her think she's not good enough and she is now looking at other subjects. My mother has met Tom twice, once as a baby and once at about 5. She doesn't know Tom. My youngest has now asked to meet Tom because he is so amazing and he thinks my mother and Tom are best friends, in constant contact. My mother could not tell you one bloody thing about her own grandchildren. “

I so related to that paragraph you wrote. My mum spoke incensetly at me about people she barely knew and I didn’t know at all. “Oh I saw on Facebook that shirley’s baby started walking. He’s only 10 months. He such a cute little thing.” Yet try and have a proper conversation about a real person we both know and she’s apparently incapable.

bizarre. I’ve always wondered what it meant or why she does that.

[Watchclock]

@VereeViolet
Your post is so sad, you didn’t understand that you’d started your period and though you were peeing blood but still didn’t tell your mum. That is so painful to read. Also that you went to buy your first bra on your own. I can’t imagine my daughter feeling she had to go through these things alone.
I’m so sorry you had experience what you did.

[loadofcrap10]

When mine died I felt my tears were grieving for the Mum I never had and so wanted.
She was so cold, I can never recall her saying she loved me. I think I loved her, but sometimes I doubt that too.

[2319inprogress]

In fact my mother had a phrase she used every time I was upset to Mock me ‘nobody loves me, everybody hates me’ yet she would deny this if I mentioned it now.
I used to get this in a singsong voice or sometimes just the "away to eat worms?!" comment if I was walking away.

[SecretSpAD]

My mother didn't want me and we never bonded, gelled or even liked each other. I went to boarding school at a young age and was thankful to be away from her, even though I was bullied there.

I only went home to see my father who I'm close to and my sister. My brother and my mother were toxic narcissists in my opinion. When she died I felt nothing other than relief.

I used to envy other girls relationships with their mothers, but eventually I realised that I didn't need that in my life. In fact it felt claustrophobic to me.

I have an amazing set of friends and my husband is my true soul mate. I'm close to my dad and I love the adopted teens to bits.

I think that sometimes we fetishise motherhood and see the mother-child relationship as the ultimate one. It puts too much pressure on women who just don't feel it, and children who start to question the relationship.

[AlbertBridge]

I think my oldest son would describe me like this. He's 18 now and honestly never tells me anything emotional.

I've told him I love him so much. I tell him how proud I am, how amazing he is. But he still is very formal and "stiff" around me. It's heartbreaking. I suggested we did family counselling but he's completely against it. I don't know what to do.

[Watchclock]

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers

PS - and hoping this is not hurtful - but I think that if not having children had been more of an accepted option, my mum would never have had kids and a lot of her behaviour was about that. I wonder if there are a lot of people whose mothers were awful for this reason? Not that I feel it is ok, because once you have a child you need to get over yourself and treat them right, but I wonder if that could be part of what happened?

Yes my mum had 5 children and was never particularly maternal.
It’s weird that she had so many children, she even says now if she could have her time again she wouldn’t have had any. Which is a lovey thing to hear 🙃
Really she shouldn’t have had any children, but she did and I accept it must have been very hard and stressful but it’s like she’s still taking it out on us till this day.
We do ours best and sometimes we get angry and the stress builds up but we also should hug our kids and tell them we love them and encourage them to talk to us about whatever they want.

[AlbertBridge]

What's hitting me from all these posts is that none of you talked to your mums about stuff. Why was that? Because it reads to me (again, as someone who is seen as emotionally distant) that your mums might have been DYING to help but weren't given the chance?

[lockdownalli]

No albert My mum was DYING to put the boot in and fuck things up, and tell me how everything was my fault.

Information is ammunition to people like this.

[Kikkomam]

@AlbertBridge

What's hitting me from all these posts is that none of you talked to your mums about stuff. Why was that? Because it reads to me (again, as someone who is seen as emotionally distant) that your mums might have been DYING to help but weren't given the chance?

No, I definitely tried to talk to her about things, in fact rang her in depths of pnd begging her to come and visit. She said she would then cancelled the next day. Some mums are just shit.

[SecretSpAD]

@AlbertBridge

What's hitting me from all these posts is that none of you talked to your mums about stuff. Why was that? Because it reads to me (again, as someone who is seen as emotionally distant) that your mums might have been DYING to help but weren't given the chance?

No. If it is anything like mine they would twist that information and use it against me.

[2319inprogress]

Information is ammunition to people like this. is perfectly worded.

If every bit of information you have ever shared has been used against you, used as a topic of gossip with others etc you learn very quickly not to share information in order to protect yourself.

[Watchclock]

@AlbertBridge
I’m sure your son wouldn’t describe you like this because the description you’ve given of yourself sounds the opposite of my mum.
It must be very hard for you, and I’m sorry I don’t really have any advice as I’ve got a while to go until my daughter hits teen years.
You sound like you’re doing all the right things, I’ve heard of teens going through phases of not being close to their parents then things rectifying themselves once they get older. It could possibly just be his age, I hope things get better between you both.

[Allsorts1]

My mum hasn’t known anything about my inner life since I was age 11. She is supportive of me and has always had my back but we just don’t have the sort of relationship where I would tell her about personal issues - but I also tend not to even share issues with friends either, I usually just sort things on my own - I’m usually the one who is everyone else’s agony aunt, including my mums.

She’s horrendously bad at relationships so it just wouldn’t make sense to seek support from her there, and our views are very different - she’s anti sex & pro life so obviously wasn’t my go to person for support as a sex having teen who needed an abortion! And not now either.

But she has always supported me and does give good advice for general life issues like DIY drama haha.

Anyway you are not alone OP X

[relatehelp]

I could have written this , my father has recently died which has highlighted just how bad it really is with her.

[Wheresmywoolyjumpers]

We do ours best and sometimes we get angry and the stress builds up but we also should hug our kids and tell them we love them and encourage them to talk to us about whatever they want

Exactly - and actually, I don't know how you can be around a child and not feel protective or that you want to do whatever you can to help them. My mother could never see this, but it was always clear to me.

[PurpleDaisy2114]

It is really hard to come to terms with isn't it? Mine says she loves me a lot and gives hugs but it all feels very superficial. I too was not taught about self care, make up,boys, periods, sex, relationships etc. I remember using my dads razor to shave my legs when I was 11 and had literally created a blood bath!!
I haven't lived at home since 18 and my DM knows very little about me, how I really feel. She has this notion of me and won't budge. She always brings conversations back to herself.
Therapy is really helping

[Allsorts1]

She also let me be kicked out of home by stepdad during uni so I had to support myself through 4 years of uni entirely on loans (I was a nice kid and no trouble).

The other day she complained that I never went to the grad ceremony so she didn’t get pictures of us like other parents did as a reward for all their support - she has a complete lack of insight into herself but I don’t bother to put her right anymore and just keep an easy breasy occasional phone call type relationship.

[BananaBlue]

@AlbertBridge knowledge is power with parents like these. Eg my mums first reaction was to laugh then ask what I was wearing and did when I told her I’d been assaulted on a packed tube.

When I told her I’d been diagnosed as infertile she told me gleefully it only took 3 months to get pregnant with me (I was a teenage accident).

Those sort of responses is why you don’t tell parents like this about your life unfortunately didn’t realise I needed to stop confiding until late 20s.

OP, I became liberated when I accepted she isn’t a mother and stopped trying to gain her approval/sympathy/care.

I have a fair amount of anger, when things go wrong my self-esteem turns to shit and feelings of inadequacy shoot up. Have had a recent triggered episode of this.

I adore my DC and I think the feeling is mutual. My mum is visibly uncomfortable when we are affectionate.

Oh and to those who feel sad that siblings got what they needed? One of my siblings is the golden child. That comes with negative conditions, they cannot take a shit without consulting with mummy dearest and have confided that they feel smothered.

They live a half life actually due to mums influence.

[Kikkomam]

@2319inprogress

Information is ammunition to people like this. is perfectly worded.

If every bit of information you have ever shared has been used against you, used as a topic of gossip with others etc you learn very quickly not to share information in order to protect yourself.

Absolutely. I lost count of the times I had things thrown back in my face.

[ChristmasScrooge]

My mum was like this originally until I hit mid 20s and had a mental break down.
We are now very very close, but i did have to be very blunt with her.

[AnFiadhRua]

Absolutely. Defensive, and unavailable. Trying to connect with her makes her angry.

My dad backs her up ALL THE TIME.

If my Dad had died I think she'd have ''let me in'' a bit. And weirdly if my mum had died, my Dad might occasionally try and communicate with me, but I've no relationship with either of them beyond playing the part of daughter.