Anyone else with an emotionally unavailable mum?

[Watchclock]

Since as long as I can remember my mum has been so emotionally unavailable to me.
I’ve never been able to talk to her about anything really. Things like starting my period, I hid it from her until she found out packs of pads had been disappearing and found some of my underwear.
I never spoke to her about contraception when I started my first serious relationship at 15.
I started self harming around age 18 and she knew but said nothing and just took my means to self harming away which she found in my room.
I never told her I was pregnant until I was showing and couldn’t hide it.
These are just some of the key memories I have.
Having my own daughter who’s getting a bit older now I encourage her to talk about everything and always reassure her I’m there for her for anything.
The point to all this is that it’s been really tough, and I just wanted to talk to anyone else who might have similar mothers? I’m NC with my dad so that doesn’t help and if I’m honest it’s a really lonely situation.
All I’ve seen throughout my life is everyone else with such a good relationship with their mum and who’s mums are so helpful and caring and I don’t think others can relate.
I have metal health issues I think mainly as a result of my mum always being so cold towards me.

I have an amazing partner and some close dear friends I can confide in, but I know no one in real life in a similar situation with their mum and it would be nice to speak to someone who can understand where I’m coming from.

Worth having a look a stuff about narcissistic mothers too.

I don't know why she can't see it though.

Plus 'but we took you to stately homes thread'.
Am so sad to see it is so common. Sounds like most of us are doing everything we can not to replicate it with our own children. It's having my own children that really made me realise.
Sometimes, I will look at one of my kids and feel overwhelmed with love for them, like I could bursts and kiss and hug them so much it hurt!! I act silly with them cuddle and mess about and let them know this.
I definitely did not experience this

@AlbertBridge

What's hitting me from all these posts is that none of you talked to your mums about stuff. Why was that? Because it reads to me (again, as someone who is seen as emotionally distant) that your mums might have been DYING to help but weren't given the chance?

My mum would never from a young age encourage me to talk ever. I’ve tried many times in the past and have said in my posts that when I have tried I’m told “not to feel sorry for myself” and “others have it worse” When I became pregnant as a teen I was dying to tell someone and that first person should have been my mum but I was too embarrassed and scared of her reaction so left it until I was 6 months pregnant and she finally noticed and questioned me. My depression was awful around 17 and I desperately tried to talk to her but she didn’t want to know. There was even a time she walked in on me in the bathroom after a self harming episode and looked at me and walked out again it was never mentioned. I even asked her once why she didn’t love Me when I was around 10 and was told to shut up

My mum is the same. She’s a wonderful person and a fab grandma.. just no emotion for me. I’ve never been able to talk to her about anything other than superficial things. I also never told her I started my period..first boyfriend.. friendship problems.. she just wouldn’t have cared. She’s just not that kind of person (she is for my brothers though). I have resolved to be the opposite for my dd and she talks to me about everything and anything. I really hope it continues! It’s horrible not having a mums emotional support.

@AlbertBridge I think my mum would describe herself like that but the reality wasn't that

Just joining in to say me too. I think if asked my Mum would say we’re close but only because we see each other most weeks and she looked after my DCs a lot when they were small (she was a childminder and I paid her).

But she isn’t really very interested in anything going on in my life. I’ve had some quite bad MH issues in the last year and have had a couple of periods of time off work. She knows nothing about any of it because she wouldn’t know how to respond and would just change the subject except to tell me I need to be careful in case I lose my job.

I have a very emotionally supportive DH. My MIL is lovely and I do occasionally talk to her and I am very open with my DCs. My DD and I have the kind of relationship I used to wish I had with my Mum.

I’m beyond it now I think. I understand more why she is like it. Her parents were very much like it and, as the oldest of 4, she didn’t get much attention or affection. (Not saying that’s normal in bigger families, just that’s how it was in hers).

My Mum doesn’t really know how to have a conversation. She only knows how to talk at you and pause every now and then to make sure you agree with her!

@AlbertBridge

What's hitting me from all these posts is that none of you talked to your mums about stuff. Why was that? Because it reads to me (again, as someone who is seen as emotionally distant) that your mums might have been DYING to help but weren't given the chance?

Yes of course. It was all our fault. The children

Come on, people have been treated appallingly by their own mothers and you want to suggest it's their fault

Yes @claymodels I thought that too. Talk about making it all the kids fault!

The only thing that my mother instilled in me was a wish to not be like her, in any way, shape or form.

That would be after I met her when I was 16.

So many similarities in these stories. My DM was much the same always angry, never encouraging, frequently hit me and my db,my dad did nothing although it was tough for him still, we were children. My DM didn't talk to me about periods and I was so ashamed when I started.

I suffered a horrible sexual situation with a man of 40 when I was 13 I delivered his paper, anyway my DM blamed me apparently I was a slag so it was my fault and my clothes encouraged it (football shirt). I went on the pill at 15 didn't tell my DM she found out and went ballistic calling me a slag blah blah and when I had a kidney infection it was because I was a slag (only had one partner in total).

When I had a miscarriage my DM tried to cuddle me but, we never did that and she wondered why I didn't want to, she asked me what was wrong?

Fast forward to now she has made the odd comment about being a 'bad mother' but it's to late. I have MH problems as a result. I recently did a child protection course and found myself really upset as I can identify with the emotional abuse.

I am sorry for everyone on here, I do envy other mother/daughter relationships. I make sure my DC know I am here always, tell them I love them and really listen. It is hard to undo all I have learnt but I have the ability not to be like her.

@Rupertpenrysmistress

So many similarities in these stories. My DM was much the same always angry, never encouraging, frequently hit me and my db,my dad did nothing although it was tough for him still, we were children. My DM didn't talk to me about periods and I was so ashamed when I started.

I suffered a horrible sexual situation with a man of 40 when I was 13 I delivered his paper, anyway my DM blamed me apparently I was a slag so it was my fault and my clothes encouraged it (football shirt). I went on the pill at 15 didn't tell my DM she found out and went ballistic calling me a slag blah blah and when I had a kidney infection it was because I was a slag (only had one partner in total).

When I had a miscarriage my DM tried to cuddle me but, we never did that and she wondered why I didn't want to, she asked me what was wrong?

Fast forward to now she has made the odd comment about being a 'bad mother' but it's to late. I have MH problems as a result. I recently did a child protection course and found myself really upset as I can identify with the emotional abuse.

I am sorry for everyone on here, I do envy other mother/daughter relationships. I make sure my DC know I am here always, tell them I love them and really listen. It is hard to undo all I have learnt but I have the ability not to be like her.

Your experience sounds similar to mine. I think breaking the cycle is amazing and actually more difficult than people give credit for.

@AlbertBridge you’ve missed the point completely and sounds like you need a different thread. Perhaps proving our point.

I just want to say, although many of your experiences are awful and a difficult read for me, it’s helped me so much. I had no idea so many people would related to my OP and I’m glad we’ve all come here to share our stories.
I’m also so happy that everyone recognises that we have to be better parents than what we’ve seen from our own mothers and we’re breaking the cycle.

At 91yo my mother has just had an unattended cremation because I couldn't find any reason for me to go and sit and pretend she meant anything to me. All of us siblings decided on this probably 20+ years ago (with a 'clause' to say any one of us could change our mind, in which case they would be responsible for arranging her funeral).

She was emotionally abusive, neglectful of her children and was well known to just turn around (so she couldn't see us) if one of us said or did something she didn't like, right until she died. I stopped trying to win her approval only 2 years ago. It was a huge relief.

I was with her when she died (wanted to see it myself). I have not shed one tear for her.

Her uncaring judgemental attitude towards us and others definitely made me a very attentive, caring and hands on mother and grandmother, so some good came from her vicious life.

I'm interested in the dynamic that people have with their fathers when they have this kind of relationship with their mother.

I think a lot of the issues with my mother are compounded by the fact my father died when I was 10 - she fell apart for about 3 days then she basically never mentioned him again for about 15 years. We were taken to the funeral by a friend rather than with her & were sent away to stay with near strangers while they had the wake it took having my own children to realise this was fucked up.
I often wonder if she & I would have been closer if he had lived or if we would have had the same relationship we do now but I would have had the (far better) relationship I had with my father too.

I certainly relate to this. I blame it on the fact that her own mother died shortly after childbirth and she didn't have a role model. I have very low self esteem as a result of her behaviour towards me. I have underachieved all my life. I now realise that I was bright enough to have become a doctor and could have got the qualifications with no difficulty, but I was sent to secretarial college where I was bored stiff and was often asked why I was learning to type instead of doing my A levels.
She died suddenly and so much was left unsaid. I miss her every day though.

I don't think my parents saw the emotional side of parenting as part of the "job description" and even if they had, they wouldn't have had the tools to do it successfully due to emotionally unavailable parents of their own. So I try not to blame them too much, but on the other hand, if they or anyone else ever remarks on our distant relationship, I shall just say it takes two to tango.

We have a cordial but totally superficial relationship. They're not bad people and have supported me and my sister in many practical ways and are kind to our children (although they can only take them in limited doses).

I am horrified looking back though that my mum ignored the pain I was in from what I now know was endometriosis. It made me infertile eventually. She also shouted at me once when I leaked blood on the sheets at my grandmother's. Like I would have done it deliberately!

I hope to be much more open about periods and sex with DD.

I can identify with so much of what is on this post. Particularly the devotion to other people's kids and not her own. My mum has a mixed up way of handling boundaries and often sees me as her rival in life. I am now a parent and it has made me reframe a lot of my childhood. She has at times caused me physical harm by mismanaging my medical needs so our relationship is very complicated. I am having counselling at the moment and that is helping but I think I'll be going for years! I can't change her but I can learn to cope with how she behaves towards me and make sure I'm a better parent to my three kids. Best wishes to all of you in this situation. It's really hard particularly around Mother's Day and Christmas

Wow I seem to have found my people. I grew up with just my mum and I. Was told at about 20 that she never wanted kids. Never asks how I am or how her grandchildren are. I gave up my job recently to train as something else - not once has she asked how it's going.
When I do see her she talks constantly about people I don't know. She's a mood hoover - moaning about everyone and everything constantly.
As an only child I've often wondered what I'll say about her on the day of her funeral ?

Ah, my people.

My Mum isn’t abusive or unkind. She’s just… not really there? I don’t mean in a dementia sense. She doesn’t do anything, doesn’t see anyone, has no opinions, I often think there’s just elevator music playing in a loop in her head. Our relationship is superficial; I’ve given up trying for any more.

My father's the same, with the added bonus that he and my mother are competitive in weird ways (they used to write me separate letters to university!) and also like to tell me what a great time they had on days out with my sister (to which I am often not invited).

DDUW ahh yes that's probably where we would be she has myriad friends & works so hard to be the perfect friend (despite quite often talking about them in a disparaging way) they all think she is wonderful. Like CelieandNettie I wonder about/dread her funeral as there will be so many people who think I & they have had a great loss. OTOH she'll probably follow my grandmother & outlive all those friends!

All I’ve seen throughout my life is everyone else with such a good relationship with their mum and who’s mums are so helpful and caring and I don’t think others can relate.

I think what you see in public and what is happening in private can be two different things. Whilst many people may well have great relationships with their mums, some may look good but be more complex. On the whole I get on well with my mum and to outsiders it probably looks like that. But my father is an alcoholic and my mum is a co-dependent enabler. That makes for a very complex relationship.

My mother can be passive aggressive and very manipulative but always sees herself as sweet, kind and good. She thinks of herself as very gentle. Outwardly I think to most people she appears that way and indeed in some ways she is. But she uses sulking to punish me. Now I know that this is because she had a repressive upbringing and it is the only way she feels able to express herself. She thinks I'm aggressive, but she will sulk and withdraw for prolonged periods, which is a form of aggression in itself.

I love her as my mother and accept her for who she is. I distance myself from the behaviour I don't like and get what I need emotionally elsewhere. I also find it helps me to understand why she is how she is. She does try her hardest, but she is stymied by her own capacities and her upbringing.

Whilst I think you can't excuse some behaviour from some people, it might help to understand that they're carrying their own baggage.