To confront parents about my childhood?

[Whipittillitpeaks]

I had a lot of happy moments in my childhood, but also a few experiences that stay with me, that I’m starting to feel angry about, a child shouldn’t have been subjected to them.
It’s been in my mind more since having my own Dd, and looking back I can’t believe some of the things I went through when I was young and innocent and should have been protected.

I remember one incident when we were on a camping holiday when I was around 9 and my dad was drunk and pushed my mum over, he was saying all sorts and I remember feeling so scared and asking if they were getting a divorce and holding my mums hand all night until I went to sleep.

Then at 13, I was woken up by my dad going on and I heard him say he’d ‘Kick the shit out of’ my mum. I was hysterical on the landing upstairs and my mum came to comfort me, my dad was saying to her ‘See what you’ve done now’ he was drunk.
I remember feeling fear when my dad used to get home some Saturdays after going out with my uncle/his friends. He’d be drunk but acting really silly, but I felt the fear, it wasn’t a comfortable feeling, I dreaded him coming home. He usually just fell asleep.

My dad used to sometimes come to me room when I was going to sleep and talk nonsense about he wished he didn’t have to grow up, like Peter Pan. Other times, he’d tell me about other girlfriends he had when young.

Sounds ridiculous, but in other ways he was a good dad, great fun, caring etc, but he had moods and days of silence and we walked on eggshells at times.

My mum, I know loves me, but she never showed it. I remember one time coming back from being away for the first time ever with Brownies for a couple of nights. All the other mums ran to their kids and picked them up or hugged them, my mum didn’t hug or kiss me, just got our bags.

Looking back, I realise my upbringing was dysfunctional and I still see it is in many ways, even though my parents are still together and love each other massively.

As a teenager I was a nightmare and never home, I felt more comfortable in friends houses and friends became like family to me.

I never told anyone until I was around 22 and drinking quite heavily. I couldn’t take my drink (much like my father) and got really emotional and let it all out to my now Dh, who was gobsmacked.

These things have never been mentioned, is that weird? Would these moments have affected the person I am?

Now I’m a mum, I’m petrified of ever putting my Dd through any of that.

I don’t understand how my mum could

*My room

What do you want to gain from confronting them? If it's the hope they'll tell you they're sorry and we're terrible parents then that's unlikely to happen. You would be better off along to a licenced therapist to work through it and discuss your anxieties over repeating behaviour with your own child.

@OutdoorHousePlant I’d never repeat any of that behaviour with my own child.

I’m not sure, I almost don’t want to hurt them by bringing up the past, but don’t understand how they couldn’t have been better and protected that little girl

@OutdoorHousePlant Don’t you think they’d be devastated to know how much it affected me? I wonder if they even realised how bad it was

We are all only human and being a parent can be massively stressful.
Not sure you have anything to gain by confronting them. Sounds like something to talk about in therapy.

I would spend time working out what outcome you want and if you are likely to achieve it. It would be horrible if you confront them and minimise , invalidate or dismiss it - all of which may happen

It would help more to go to a therapist and talk it through with them - don't confront your parents about it, at least not until you've worked it through on your own. Have a look on the BACP website to find a licensed therapist in your area.

I don't have any advice but I'm sorry you had to go through all that as a child

Your dad was a violent drunk but you seem to blame your mum for everything. She may have been completely worn down by him and felt unable to leave. It must have been horrible for you and for her too.
Can you talk to your mum?

See a therapist.

I’m sorry you were put through thyme as a child

Your dad is abusive.
Your mum chose to stay in the abusive marriage and her child suffered as a result.

I would have to confront them (personally) but I’m not qualified to give you an answer.
Perhaps it would be worthwhile seeing a counsellor first, who can talk you through what you expect to achieve by talking to them about it? could their response make things worse and do more harm?
You need to recognise what you want from speaking to them -if anything, or do you just want them to know the affect it had on you?

*this not thyme sorry x

I understand the urge but I wouldn't confront them. Because I doubt you will get anything but pain from the experience. They will deny it or minimise it or accuse you and sulk or break down and make you feel guilty for challenging them. Just acknowledging it and acknowledging you would never do the same is hugely beneficial.

@Goawayquickly I definitely don’t blame my mum, but I wonder why she stayed with him all that time

It sounds messed to say but I love him and he’s not a bad person. We just have a normal relationship. I don’t know how he could do that though and he still continued to drink, not an alcoholic though, I don’t think.

A lot of that resonates with me. My dad had a very troubled and unhappy childhood. He tried to be a good dad but he was a drinker and I had times of being scared of him. My younger sibling was very unhappy when I went away to uni. But now I’m grown up with my own children I can see how terribly sad his life had been as a child and how sadly troubled he was as an adult. He’s dead now. But he’s left behind me with my babies and a life lesson in what not to do. This is where the cycle ends.

I don't think you'll achieve anything by confrontation.
Maybe a chat?
In the mean time enjoy the love with your own family.

You say your mum didn't demonstrate love, but also say how she comforted you and held your hand.

I don't think you'll gain much from confronting them. No childhood is perfect and it sounds like there was a lot to balance the shit episodes. Unless it would just make you feel better to have it out in the open I wouldn't say anything to them. You might pay a very heavy price for doing so.

When they come to stay I still don’t like it if he drinks (he rarely does nowadays) well not in front of me. It just makes me so nervous, I don’t know if he realises this, I think they just think I’m being uptight, but I’ve said no drinking now DD’s here. He used to drink bottles of red wine at mind and be ok, but even then I’d pour lots down the sink so he’d drink less.
Wonder if he remembers/feels guilt for those years

My childhood was worse than the one you described and I stay in contact with both my parents (who are now separated) and wouldn’t ever mention the past… what’s the point it done and gone! Learn from your past and your parents mistakes and be a better parent and aim to give your children a better upbringing.

Would you forgive a dad for being like this?

Am I being too dramatic? I definitely feel it caused me many issues with the way I am and I feel resentful about that

I can relate to a lot of this. I'm probably older than you as my DC are teens.

Having DC of your own really brings your own childhood into focus. I never said anything but continued to keep my DP at arms length, preferring to spend time with my in laws, not doing xmas or anything with them. It has been a bearable co existence for years.
Now they're elderly and have become more dysfunctional it's harder! I feel like I really want to scream and shout and blow up. But they're elderly they're blissfully ignorant.

I have started therapy. Much better to work through the pent up aggression than take it out on them i think. You could try and talk to just your mum but be ready for her to minimise or refuse to see it from your viewpoint.

@madroid She did on those occasions as I was hysterical from seeing my dad like that and confused and scared. My mum was crying with me in the tent and my brother was too, my little sister was too young to understand anything.
My dad was drunkenly talking about their relationship, that he didn’t know if he loved her etc, it was frightening at the time, I didn’t understand what was happening.
I remember the next morning, he came out to us children and said that what happened last night wasn’t our fault, that confused me more as I knew it wasn’t my fault? I hadn’t done anything.

Your dad was a drunk
For whatever reason, your mum was stuck. This probably relates to why she wasn't demonstrative.

What was her upbringing like?
You know, people often don't recognize what 'ideal' parenting is, but they feel they have succeeded if they did better than their own parents did.

@Chosenonetosurvivethenight So sorry you went through similar. The thing is I’d really hate to upset my mum by bringing it up? I consider sometimes talking to my sister and see how she felt, if she did remember anything (she was younger) my brother saw some things but was older and mainly out, it was me that went through the bulk I think, but then I wouldn’t want to upset my sister.

Those things sounds truly shit - I’m sorry - but it’s hard to tell whether they happened twice a week or twice a decade.

I also can’t really tell what your relationship is like with them. Do you feel that they would have your back, see the best in you and want the best for you? Or are they fundamentally very damaged people?

My own experience is that when I raised abuse I faced in childhood with my parents, they told me it never happened or that I was twisting things or that I deserved it. I just ended up exhausted and full of self hatred all over again.

Your parents may be better people, and you may get the result you wanted, but if they are decent-ish and loving then they likely know and wish they could undo it.

As an excellent psychologist once said to me, ‘closure’ was made up by Americans to sell movies. Maybe get some help for yourself to process it before doing anything else.