To confront parents about my childhood?

[Whipittillitpeaks]

I had a lot of happy moments in my childhood, but also a few experiences that stay with me, that I’m starting to feel angry about, a child shouldn’t have been subjected to them.
It’s been in my mind more since having my own Dd, and looking back I can’t believe some of the things I went through when I was young and innocent and should have been protected.

I remember one incident when we were on a camping holiday when I was around 9 and my dad was drunk and pushed my mum over, he was saying all sorts and I remember feeling so scared and asking if they were getting a divorce and holding my mums hand all night until I went to sleep.

Then at 13, I was woken up by my dad going on and I heard him say he’d ‘Kick the shit out of’ my mum. I was hysterical on the landing upstairs and my mum came to comfort me, my dad was saying to her ‘See what you’ve done now’ he was drunk.
I remember feeling fear when my dad used to get home some Saturdays after going out with my uncle/his friends. He’d be drunk but acting really silly, but I felt the fear, it wasn’t a comfortable feeling, I dreaded him coming home. He usually just fell asleep.

My dad used to sometimes come to me room when I was going to sleep and talk nonsense about he wished he didn’t have to grow up, like Peter Pan. Other times, he’d tell me about other girlfriends he had when young.

Sounds ridiculous, but in other ways he was a good dad, great fun, caring etc, but he had moods and days of silence and we walked on eggshells at times.

My mum, I know loves me, but she never showed it. I remember one time coming back from being away for the first time ever with Brownies for a couple of nights. All the other mums ran to their kids and picked them up or hugged them, my mum didn’t hug or kiss me, just got our bags.

Looking back, I realise my upbringing was dysfunctional and I still see it is in many ways, even though my parents are still together and love each other massively.

As a teenager I was a nightmare and never home, I felt more comfortable in friends houses and friends became like family to me.

I never told anyone until I was around 22 and drinking quite heavily. I couldn’t take my drink (much like my father) and got really emotional and let it all out to my now Dh, who was gobsmacked.

These things have never been mentioned, is that weird? Would these moments have affected the person I am?

Now I’m a mum, I’m petrified of ever putting my Dd through any of that.

I don’t understand how my mum could

I’m wondering if this is why I moved abroad, even if I didn’t see it as being about this at all, perhaps I wanted to create distance.
I was mid twenties when I left, for some adventure and travelling.
I always remember my dad instead of telling me to have a good time or that he would worry about me, he said ‘But won’t you worry about me?’
I ended up feeling guilty about leaving and it was only meant to be for a year initially.

The more I think about it and remember, it was a messed up background, I often feel I have to please my parents and often feel guilty about things.
I feel like my mum really favoured my sister (still does) I might have been my dad’s favourite (not too sure) but I think he almost used me against my mum, it’s hard to explain, I think my mum felt jealous of me in a way, it’s so messed up, but the only innocent person in it all was me, the child, so wrong. When I think of my Dd, she wouldn’t be involved in any of this crap. It’s horrible.

Does your father still drink? If not base your relationship on the last 10 years at least.

OP,

I think distance is good.
I don't believe you went abroad and stayed by accident.

Seeking counselling might be helpful.
In fact I think it would be wise.
To have a safe place to say out loud to them how you really feel.

Whether you say it to them directly is a decision you can make at any time.

The most important thing is that you allow yourself the space, time, and kindness towards yourself to get it out.

I think you need to reflect on how you feel when they visit and stay with you.

You feel stressed in your home.

I would not put myself through that in your shoes.

I would cut their feelings out of any equation and focus totally on what you want and what feels best for you.

I don't believe you owe your parents anything, based on the childhood you describe.

You don't have to please them, not anymore.
Are you hoping you can somehow make them the parents you wanted, rather that accepting who they are? You can't fix the past, or their problems.
If you are uncomfortable now, putting distance between you and them might be better.

It’s strange as I love them and really miss them a lot of the time. I can be stressed sometimes when they’re here, but the majority of the time I love to see them and spend time with them.
I do remember in my 20’s feeling nervous before they came and one of my best friends noticing and commenting on it, wondering why I was getting worked up.
I feel I have definite issues, self esteem issues, never feeling good enough, attachment issues, some social anxiety, I’m very sensitive etc. I’m a lot better that I was and having Dd has helped me to become a stronger person.
My dad still drinks, I think he probably is an alcoholic. After my comment about not drinking in the house, he hasn’t done (previously would buy a bottle of wine every 2/3 days when he stayed. I do notice he goes off for walks near where I assume he goes to a beach cafe for drinks. When we go out, he has a couple. I definitely think he tries to hide it from me now. I feel bad in a way as if I’m like some tyrant, telling people they can’t even drink on holiday, but it just makes me too uncomfortable. He probably would be ok on it, in his older age, he just gets silly, but it’s boring and I just don’t want to be around it or have Dd around it, it’s that fear of when it might cross the line and become uncomfortable, I hate it. He’s almost proud of drinking and thinks it’s a great laugh, I find it all a bit embarrassing tbh.
I also dread it when he tries to rope Dh into it all, he’s started to suggest going to a local beach pub now, where the last time I had to drop them off and pick them up.
I remember bringing them back then just going straight up to bed, before he got silly.
It probably sounds ridiculous as many people would go out to the pub/bar on holiday and enjoy themselves,
My mum can see I get worried/disapproving about it, so she surely must realise it affects me. I’m sure I’m the one who’s seen as spoiling all the fun.

@EnigmaCat I’m not sure why I try to please at all, I spoke to my sister about it, who’s the complete opposite. It’s small things like I buy all the foods they like, cook for them all the time, make sure everything’s perfect for them etc, let them watch what they want on tv, my sister would barely offer a cup of tea, she’s just very chilled, says it’s her house etc, not in an awful way, but I feel I’m the opposite and I should stop now.

I definitely feel as though I’m the *difficult one of the family, or the black sheep, the middle child. When it was me who probably witnessed and felt the most.

I relate alot op. I too have have memories of occasional domestic abuse, though nothing was ever mentioned until was an adult and I finally split up and then I was suddenly expected to accept and "punish" my dad for the same incidents (and ones I was unaware of) that had all been totally ignored for years. My mum was also cold and unemotional, didn't hug me or ever really have anything nice to say (no well done for good school work, that sort of thing).
I told my mum that my childhood was not a loving one (during an argument which didn't help) and that she was never really there for me, not surprisingly she denied this and I'm the selfish ungrateful one because she did insert long list of things parents ought to do, like feed and ensure your child physical needs are met and she paid for a hobby. Not once did I deny she did those things, just that it always felt like she did it because that was expected, not because she actually wanted to care for me.
She no longer speaks to me and hasn't for years.

While I agree with the sentiments that confronting parents is rarely a good idea for many, many reasons including that sometimes the type of parents who need to be confronted are often those with the more fragile egos and the more likely to use intense denial as a defence mechanism.

However I too find the “ah shure we were all fucked up by our parents to some degree so once size fits all in the response” really dismissive.

The levels that some parents fuck up is a long as a piece of string and the effects can vary in degree widely. And for the record not everyone was fucked up by their parents in such a way as that the parents need any form of confronting, in fact the vast majority of parents do their level best but one reading of this thread does not point, particularly the OPs father, to that part of the good enough parenting spectrum.

Might your people pleasing be a way of reducing anxiety 'If I do everything right (the bad thing might not happen)' or perhaps avoiding conflict (I can keep them happy), I have those.

I relate hugely to your last few comments! It is very healthy to set boundaries such as asking your father not to drink in your house so don't feel bad about that.