To confront parents about my childhood?

[Whipittillitpeaks]

I had a lot of happy moments in my childhood, but also a few experiences that stay with me, that I’m starting to feel angry about, a child shouldn’t have been subjected to them.
It’s been in my mind more since having my own Dd, and looking back I can’t believe some of the things I went through when I was young and innocent and should have been protected.

I remember one incident when we were on a camping holiday when I was around 9 and my dad was drunk and pushed my mum over, he was saying all sorts and I remember feeling so scared and asking if they were getting a divorce and holding my mums hand all night until I went to sleep.

Then at 13, I was woken up by my dad going on and I heard him say he’d ‘Kick the shit out of’ my mum. I was hysterical on the landing upstairs and my mum came to comfort me, my dad was saying to her ‘See what you’ve done now’ he was drunk.
I remember feeling fear when my dad used to get home some Saturdays after going out with my uncle/his friends. He’d be drunk but acting really silly, but I felt the fear, it wasn’t a comfortable feeling, I dreaded him coming home. He usually just fell asleep.

My dad used to sometimes come to me room when I was going to sleep and talk nonsense about he wished he didn’t have to grow up, like Peter Pan. Other times, he’d tell me about other girlfriends he had when young.

Sounds ridiculous, but in other ways he was a good dad, great fun, caring etc, but he had moods and days of silence and we walked on eggshells at times.

My mum, I know loves me, but she never showed it. I remember one time coming back from being away for the first time ever with Brownies for a couple of nights. All the other mums ran to their kids and picked them up or hugged them, my mum didn’t hug or kiss me, just got our bags.

Looking back, I realise my upbringing was dysfunctional and I still see it is in many ways, even though my parents are still together and love each other massively.

As a teenager I was a nightmare and never home, I felt more comfortable in friends houses and friends became like family to me.

I never told anyone until I was around 22 and drinking quite heavily. I couldn’t take my drink (much like my father) and got really emotional and let it all out to my now Dh, who was gobsmacked.

These things have never been mentioned, is that weird? Would these moments have affected the person I am?

Now I’m a mum, I’m petrified of ever putting my Dd through any of that.

I don’t understand how my mum could

They won’t be able to sit with shame of behaving so badly and mistreating you so will deny everything and project it right back at you. Try reading Toxic Parents - I think it might be helpful

@Whipittillitpeaks

I’m surprised at people they’ll minimise it/won’t admit to it being as bad as it was etc-why would they do that? If I was the parent, those episodes would probably haunt me and I’d feel v guilty, surely?

Because thats how people that do that are. They dont think like you do or like you want them to -they hide, indulge in secrecy, minimise, brush away, deny. They cannot address reality as it was. They are co dysfunctional. Thats how abuse is hidden in families because parents conspire to keep it secret. Your work now is about healthy boundaries and learning about family dynamics. Dont look for closure or an apology as they cannot own it or mean it.

I would echo pp who advised seeing a therapist.

Confronting your parents about these things would put you in an emotionally vulnerable position, and in my experience such confrontations rarely go as you hope they might. You could well end up feeling a lot worse, and with even more emotions brought up.

I don't want to guess what their response might be as I'm not a psychologist. But I do think it would be much safer, emotionally, to talk it all through with a professional in a safe and supportive space.

[quote Whipittillitpeaks]@OppsUpsSide I feel so sorry for how it must have been for my mum, but also there are issues there, she was often quite cold, I was left to my own devices a lot. How could she sit downstairs and hear him waffling on drunk to her small daughter about things kids shouldn’t hear without telling him to stop etc[/quote]
Dont feel sorry for her. Its wasted. She had responsibilities to you which she squandered. She was clearly a very unemphatic parent.

Yes, this is what happened to me. And could be the same for OP. We don't know. But it is definitely a real risk, so therapy should be the first step.

@Colin56 How do I learn about family dynamics and healthy boundaries now? I’m
worried that even though I’m nothing like them, I’ve been taught and raised in that environment, what if it comes out in me one day in my own home, I don’t mean drinking and abuse etc. I feel as though I recognise it all and how wrong it all was

Sorry meant to quote @Colin56

@CactusLemonSpice What happened to you?

I honestly can’t see how they’d blatantly deny it or be so awful as to somehow turn it back on me though? That’s pretty horrific

I can really relate to this. I had some bad times in my childhood as my mum was a drunk and not a nice one. She also injured herself a few times when I was small and I was the one that often found her, one time she knocked herself out after a fall in the bathroom and I was terrified, I think I was maybe six. Another I spent the night cleaning up vomit being called a bitch. She often said hurtful things and If she wasn’t drunk she was hungover and mean to me. I often want to confront her now but I don’t because I know she will belittle it. I know I will never ever treat my kids that way though, and I don’t drink myself as a result of it. I feel I would benefit from therapy myself though as I have a lot of resentment there from it. She will never mind my kids unsupervised even though she does not drink the way she used to to my knowledge, I just couldn’t trust her to be kind to them when not in company!

[quote Whipittillitpeaks]@Colin56 How do I learn about family dynamics and healthy boundaries now? I’m
worried that even though I’m nothing like them, I’ve been taught and raised in that environment, what if it comes out in me one day in my own home, I don’t mean drinking and abuse etc. I feel as though I recognise it all and how wrong it all was[/quote]
@Whipittillitpeaks - Ok so the fact that you are not foing what they did and know it was wrong is great. Family dynamics can be explored with a family systems psychotherapist. I would absolutely not go to a counsellor with this. You need someone to explore and chart a way for you to see it, understand it and leave it. Your family of origin is dysfunctional and you are not a part of it, cannot fix it and should leave it as much as you can. It wont come out in you because you know its wrong. Explore family roles, grieve for the family that you did not have and realise that we are all a bit broken and that the broken bits are ok.

[quote Whipittillitpeaks]@CactusLemonSpice What happened to you?

I honestly can’t see how they’d blatantly deny it or be so awful as to somehow turn it back on me though? That’s pretty horrific[/quote]
They absolutely will. Very few dysfunctional parents own their shit. They cant.

I have a similar experience, although both my parents drank heavily. I carried a lot of guilt as I was a very depressed teenager and it took me time to realise my feelings were in response to their drinking. I've never confronted them about it. Now I have my own children I wouldn't want to rock the boat but it does amplify the issues even more now as I couldn't imagine putting my children through some of the experiences I had.

As someone who has had plenty of moments stay with me when my childhood looked idyllic from the outside, confronting them is pointless. You will only feel invalidated. My mum and dad had a huge argument when driving about 70mph one night. I was six and my brother was two. My mum pulled the hand break in bad temper and the car spun. We are very very lucky there didn't happen to be another car on the road. I have memories of her throwing plates of food and me having to clean up the mess, which is really poor behaviour to model to children. My mum ripped up an exercise book that belonged to school when I was 10 and told the teacher I did it. My dad had a heart attack when I was p7 and about to transfer schools, and I got into a disagreement with my mum about what school to go to which resulted in her pinning me to the wall and telling me if I didn't go where she said my dad would have another heart attack and it would kill him. I remember that terrified me. But of course she completely denies any of this happening but I swear on my children's lives it is all true. It took years of therapy for me but I did get to a stage where I just accept it for what it is: I had a shit mother. An apology or confrontation won't change it. I know I am a much better mother-far from perfect but I will never ever treat my kids like that. And if they ever do come to me and say they were unhappy with the way I handled something , I will be honest, admit I don't get it right every time and apologise.

I had a difficult childhood due to abusive father and a distant, passive mother. As an adult, I confronted my mum in a very "black and white" way. Her response was simply that she'd/ they'd made some mistakes. That was literally it.
With my dad it's way worse - 0 emotional intelligence and compassion shown, he's never in his life admitted to having done anything wrong; always blaming everyone else and judging them really harshly, making them feel awful about themselves.

The outcome: very LC with him. My mother, despite the above account, has actually been great as a friendly and even loving presence in my life and my DC's lives.

So my advice is, do what you feel is right and what you need for yourself. I hope it helps you heal, but don't expect they will understand or even acknowledge your experience the way you'd want them to x

Speak to a therapist

What you want from speaking to them?

I would agree with those people that said confronting the shit parents gets you nowhere. From personal experience, if they didn't have the insight to see how their behaviour impacted you in the first place, they aren't going to see it many years later.

Unless your childhood was very abusive or the abuse is ongoing I think it’s better to accept that they were flawed and weak like many humans and unlikely to have deliberately tried to hurt you. It’s a funny thing when you first realise that your parents are not all-powerful and all-knowing. That you in fact might be better at parenting than they were. It can be destabilising as it reframes your childhood somewhat. I agree with pps that confronting them will not get you the closure you want and may cause hurt either to them or you. Talk it through with someone else, see them for the flawed people they are, forgive them, let them go as your superiors, become an adult in your dealings with them.

if they didn't have the insight to see how their behaviour impacted you in the first place, they aren't going to see it many years later.

Exactly!

You're being really naive to think that they will own their behaviour, admit it and apologise, OP. They wouldn't have done these things in the first place if they thought it was wrong.

I have never yet heard of a conversation like the one you plan to have, going well.

My childhood was a bit weird due to unhappily married parents. Dramatic rows - Sundays were unpredictable to say the least. Nothing as bad as described here but my sibling suffered much more than me (spent 3 more years at home as younger and also much less emotionally equipped to handle their ridiculous drama). He had a lot of therapy. My brother then talked through that therapy with me. It was fascinating and so helpful. The gist was that my brother had no power to change their behaviour but had power to change his own. Sounds simple but it was quite transformative for him.
You won’t get what you need from them if you confront them.

@Comtesse

They won’t be able to sit with shame of behaving so badly and mistreating you so will deny everything and project it right back at you. Try reading Toxic Parents - I think it might be helpful

I'm afraid I agree with @Comtesse, they probably won't be able to deal with it and will project it back at you. If they could deal with it, they'd have apologized to you by now.

My Dad had some serious MH issues during my childhood and did some awful things, including a suicide attempt timed so I (then a child) would have found him. He's completely blocked his behaviour out and I've never raised it with him. Since I've been an adult, he's made a few decisions that he now regrets and has decided to blame me for! Luckily I was already married to my DH so he can 100% confirm that they were nothing to do with me so I have some back up!

Some people just can't face their actions and there's no point confronting them, tbh. As PP's have suggested, talking to a therapist might be helpful to get those feelings out and lay them to rest. You have your own child now and you're bringing her up differently, leave the past where it is.

I don't know when these events happened but it's never been easy to leave and abuser and it's not easy now. Our parents are of their time and until fairly recently there really wasn't much support for women in these situations, maybe she really had no option. Maybe she was scared that if she left your dad that you children would be alone and in his care sometimes. Maybe she thought he would hurt one of you and her. Maybe she was right. These are still reasons why women don't see a way out and there isn't in some cases. I would be bringing this up in private to mum and helping her to leave this abusive alcoholic now. I wonder if your mum was miserable because of your dad and it's not that she didn't love you.

I do understand, btw, that my Dad was ill when he did what he did (and there were other incidents) but I also know that I could never put my child in that position, IYSWIM.

OP, this is what I was referring to:

amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-insidious-type-of-sexual-abuse-you-might-be-ignoring--23980

Inappropriately sexualised conversations about your father’s previous girlfriends or his other “needs”. Unfortunately it’s often the precursor to sexual abuse - the parent is testing the waters/grooming you.

Incidentally I’m not saying that was necessarily what your father was up to - just explaining why I found that particular story concerning.

@Toloveandtowork

We are all only human and being a parent can be massively stressful. Not sure you have anything to gain by confronting them. Sounds like something to talk about in therapy.

Yes, because it’s ‘only human’ to push your wife around, threaten to ‘kick the shit out of her’ and come into your young daughter’s bedroom at night to talk about his girlfriends when young and how he wishes he was Peter Pan.