To confront parents about my childhood?

[Whipittillitpeaks]

I had a lot of happy moments in my childhood, but also a few experiences that stay with me, that I’m starting to feel angry about, a child shouldn’t have been subjected to them.
It’s been in my mind more since having my own Dd, and looking back I can’t believe some of the things I went through when I was young and innocent and should have been protected.

I remember one incident when we were on a camping holiday when I was around 9 and my dad was drunk and pushed my mum over, he was saying all sorts and I remember feeling so scared and asking if they were getting a divorce and holding my mums hand all night until I went to sleep.

Then at 13, I was woken up by my dad going on and I heard him say he’d ‘Kick the shit out of’ my mum. I was hysterical on the landing upstairs and my mum came to comfort me, my dad was saying to her ‘See what you’ve done now’ he was drunk.
I remember feeling fear when my dad used to get home some Saturdays after going out with my uncle/his friends. He’d be drunk but acting really silly, but I felt the fear, it wasn’t a comfortable feeling, I dreaded him coming home. He usually just fell asleep.

My dad used to sometimes come to me room when I was going to sleep and talk nonsense about he wished he didn’t have to grow up, like Peter Pan. Other times, he’d tell me about other girlfriends he had when young.

Sounds ridiculous, but in other ways he was a good dad, great fun, caring etc, but he had moods and days of silence and we walked on eggshells at times.

My mum, I know loves me, but she never showed it. I remember one time coming back from being away for the first time ever with Brownies for a couple of nights. All the other mums ran to their kids and picked them up or hugged them, my mum didn’t hug or kiss me, just got our bags.

Looking back, I realise my upbringing was dysfunctional and I still see it is in many ways, even though my parents are still together and love each other massively.

As a teenager I was a nightmare and never home, I felt more comfortable in friends houses and friends became like family to me.

I never told anyone until I was around 22 and drinking quite heavily. I couldn’t take my drink (much like my father) and got really emotional and let it all out to my now Dh, who was gobsmacked.

These things have never been mentioned, is that weird? Would these moments have affected the person I am?

Now I’m a mum, I’m petrified of ever putting my Dd through any of that.

I don’t understand how my mum could

I don't think you'd win anything out of it. They'd most likely be in denial, or get upset with you bringing it up.

@Meandmini3 So sorry you went through similar. My dad had a good childhood, but his own grandad was a nasty alcoholic and I can see now that there are mental health issues around his side of the family.

What do you hope to achieve? It’s worth asking yourself that. I think some therapy might be more helpful for you.

@spotcheck But they’re still together, she could have left a long time ago?
She had lovely parents, my grandparents were amazing, she had good role models but my mum is shy and quiet and lacking self esteem I think. I can see she’s strong deep down
Perhaps she couldn’t leave, 3 kids, my dad was the sole provider. Maybe she didn’t have the strength, I do feel bad for what she went through

Nothing to be gained by confronting them, what’s the point? Agree that Therapy is the way forward.

It's unlikely they'll be upset outwardly and are likely in denial, especially if that is a coping mechanism for your mum. Its not easy to leave a relationship, just as you are finding out now; still protecting your dad on here and worried about upsetting your parents. Please go and seek the help of a qualified therapist, then with some unpicking and a clearer mind you can reconsider confronting them if you so wish.

I’m sorry for what you went through, sounds like your dad had his abusive moments and I understand what you mean about when you have your own children it all comes to the surface.

My mother was abusive to me, more as a teen and young adult and I must have buried it but it hit me like a tonne of bricks when I had my own kids.

Re confronting them or bringing it up, just be aware you might not get the response you are hoping for. In fact, you parents may well remember things very differently. That’s not to insinuate you’re warping things or anything, rather they will have so there may be no guilt or remorse or even recollection of wrong doing.

I would recommend a talking therapy service though x

I think it would be wise to have some therapy before bringing it up with them.

It's highly unlikely they'll say "You're right, we're so sorry for that" and you need to be prepared and supported through whatever reaction they have if you do bring it up with them.

I had a massively dysfunctional childhood (parents were neglectful then abusive, then Grandparents were loving but old) and therapy was a godsend. Having children really threw my emotions around my childhood, and it was far deeper than I realised.

Having your DD may have brought up buried emotions and you need to set in your own mind and feelings before you bring your parents into the conversation.

@user1470132907 Sorry that you also went through hard times.
These are the main incidents that I remember as it really affected me, but dad coming home drunk and me feeling that awful fear was a regular thing, most weekends. There’s a whole host of other dysfunctional things, I think I knew it subconsciously at the time as I escaped to friends homes, where everyone seemed so *Normal
I went through many years of not being able to handle my drink so I obviously get it from
dad, I’ve not been drunk since my 20’s, I made that decision as I could see how out of control I could be. Why couldn’t he see that and cut back, he had three kids to think about?

Is he an alcoholic?

I understand what you mean, I don't want to get into it, but I seen and heard things I shouldn't have.

I did talk to my mum about why she stayed so long, the things I remembered and she acknowledged she was wrong to stay so long, she did say, she was a parent but she was human and made mistakes etc. I adored my mum and I was more angry for her rather than at her,

I have thought about having that conversation with my dad, but it simply wouldn't play out the same, it would be likely to escalate, he would lie, I would get really angry and we would fall out I think, which I don't want. It's hard because I hate him for things he done and feel he should be made accountable or at least have the shame of it being discussed, but I look at him and I know he loves us and would do anything for us, so I know how hard it must have been for mum as he has that way, but no, i won't be discussing it anytime soon worth him.

Sorry op back to you. I think you really need to decide what you really want out of it? Is it just to let them know, you know type situation or do you want him to apologise ?

@user1470132907 I’d say I have a loving relationship with them, I know they love me. I’m a very different person to them though, they’re very complicated and when they come to stay with us, I feel it all, there’s many issues, I feel I was the scapegoat of the family in lots of ways, my dad treats me differently when my brothers around for example, a lot of it’s so fucked up! I feel sad and angry in lots of ways that it fucked me up for a long time and my ability to fully trust people and other issues.

It’s really been on my mind now I have my own Dd

Let it go.
Concentrate on the future not on the past which you can't change. I know a few people who have ruined their lives by going into therapy, blaming their parents for everything and not getting to grips with their own lives. And others who had really bad childhood experiences but got out of the family asap and made real successes of their lives. They don't look back.

@Whipittillitpeaks
Sorry you had those experiences but yes I think confronting them is a bit dramatic. I say this as someone who has experienced similar. Your past has made you who you are and you've learned from those mistakes . You never actually know the stress either was under and the circumstances/demons. You either need to forgive and move on (seek therapy if necessary) or confront them and your relationship will never be the same again. Unless you think they purposely tried to make your childhood difficult I would probably choose the former. X

Parents are just fucked up humans like everyone else.

I think you’d get more out of discussing this and working it through with a therapist before attempting to seek atonement from your parents.

Firstly they are unlikely to give you the exact reaction you’re hoping for and secondly, even if they do, it won’t magically solve it all and make up for what you witnessed and how it made you feel.

Therapy will likely help you understand it better ana then maybe decide if you are strong enough to accept you may not get the reaction, acceptance, apology or closure you’re looking for

@Whipittillitpeaks I am so sorry that you went through this. It sounds awful. I am still badly affected by growing up in an alcoholic home, and your post resonated with me.

A drunk parent is unsettling and frightening for a child, and it is completely reasonable that you are still affected. I don’t think people who haven’t experienced it can really understand. Incidents which sound not very serious can stick with you and cause pain years later.

I don’t know whether confronting your parents would help, but seeing a therapist might. A massive Well Done for stopping the cycle and for protecting your own child

I remembered something from my childhood a few weeks back, something that Dad used to do to mum and sometimes it left bruises.

I clearly remember thinking (and I'm appalled by the memory now) it was funny at the time, but nowadays if DH was to do that to me, he would be getting a seeing to, for starters.

My Dad is dead now, so the option to go and have it out with him has long passed. Towards the end of his life, I saw a side to Mum and how she treated him that I'm angry about. Whether it's karma or whatever, I don't know, but it would be pointless bringing it up with her these days as well.

My suggestion would be to speak to a specialist for yourself and your peace of mind. I'm sure they will be able to give you the tools necessary for you to make a decision to move on from the memory or to confront your parents, whatever is in your best interests to move forward.

good luck!

[quote Whipittillitpeaks]@OutdoorHousePlant Don’t you think they’d be devastated to know how much it affected me? I wonder if they even realised how bad it was[/quote]
No because if they had the capacity to be devastated they would not have parented like they did. Have you ever considered the Hoffman Process?

I think if you feel the need to talk about these things it would be best to do so with a therapist , talking to your parents will likely achieve nothing and in reality they will deny most of it and say that you’ve remembered it wrong .

I can see she’s strong deep down
Perhaps she couldn’t leave, 3 kids, my dad was the sole provider. Maybe she didn’t have the strength

That's what I mean.
People tend to do the best they can.
My kids are grown, and I would really do some things differently.

If you must explore, perhaps it is a good idea to talk to your siblings.

Or, maybe if the situation arises, ask your mum if it was hard dealing with your dad's drinking.

[quote Whipittillitpeaks]@OutdoorHousePlant Don’t you think they’d be devastated to know how much it affected me? I wonder if they even realised how bad it was[/quote]
No? Somebody who beats their wife is fully aware of the effect it is having on the rest of the family. That is the whole point, to keep them in line.

And the coming in your room late at night and talking about his young girlfriends sounds like a precursor to sexual abuse - it made my blood run cold reading that.

I’d just be going no contact with your dad, personally. He sounds absolutely horrible.

Another person here who went through similar but with more violent episodes and from what I know my dad also had a horrible upbringing. My mum was a victim, I didn't blame her, although for a while it annoyed me she didn't stand up to him more as she's come out the other side a much stronger person and definitely wouldn't tolerate the behaviour later on - I recognise now she was between a rock and a hard place when I was young. Strange as it sounds, they have a relatively happy marriage now. The only time I've spoken with my mum about it was to acknowledge in the last few years what a hard time she had when we were younger (but without going into details about what happened). I think you need to find a route to forgiveness however that may be, but I personally don't think you'll get what you're looking for by confronting them now. Try to find a way to make peace with your own feelings that doesn't depend on them. I find that focusing on my own imperfections as a person and parent helped me to move towards forgiveness.

@OutdoorHousePlant Don’t you think they’d be devastated to know how much it affected me? I wonder if they even realised how bad it was

The problem is that they won't remember it as you do. All our memories are different even if we are in the same situation at the same time. So you will be unlikely ever to get what you want from them. Even if they remember some of what you do it won't change anything.

Concentrate on you. Create the life you want with your children because you want it, not out of fear of the past.

@Flyonawalk So sorry you had similar, it’s truly frightening to see them drunk like that. Children are just so innocent, I didn’t understand any of it, I remember saying to him that I hated him when he was drunk and I’d never drink etc. Still if we go out for meals he tries to get me to drink, I drink sometimes, the odd glass, but never around him. I still start to feel panicky when he’s asking for a third drink and try to rush the night away. I’m very much seen as the party pooper who ruins the fun, he mustn’t have any idea of how it affected me.

How does it still affect you nowadays? I’m so sorry

I’m always reminded of that poem (I forget the writer) ‘They fuck you up, your parents do’ (along those lines)