To confront parents about my childhood?

[Whipittillitpeaks]

I had a lot of happy moments in my childhood, but also a few experiences that stay with me, that I’m starting to feel angry about, a child shouldn’t have been subjected to them.
It’s been in my mind more since having my own Dd, and looking back I can’t believe some of the things I went through when I was young and innocent and should have been protected.

I remember one incident when we were on a camping holiday when I was around 9 and my dad was drunk and pushed my mum over, he was saying all sorts and I remember feeling so scared and asking if they were getting a divorce and holding my mums hand all night until I went to sleep.

Then at 13, I was woken up by my dad going on and I heard him say he’d ‘Kick the shit out of’ my mum. I was hysterical on the landing upstairs and my mum came to comfort me, my dad was saying to her ‘See what you’ve done now’ he was drunk.
I remember feeling fear when my dad used to get home some Saturdays after going out with my uncle/his friends. He’d be drunk but acting really silly, but I felt the fear, it wasn’t a comfortable feeling, I dreaded him coming home. He usually just fell asleep.

My dad used to sometimes come to me room when I was going to sleep and talk nonsense about he wished he didn’t have to grow up, like Peter Pan. Other times, he’d tell me about other girlfriends he had when young.

Sounds ridiculous, but in other ways he was a good dad, great fun, caring etc, but he had moods and days of silence and we walked on eggshells at times.

My mum, I know loves me, but she never showed it. I remember one time coming back from being away for the first time ever with Brownies for a couple of nights. All the other mums ran to their kids and picked them up or hugged them, my mum didn’t hug or kiss me, just got our bags.

Looking back, I realise my upbringing was dysfunctional and I still see it is in many ways, even though my parents are still together and love each other massively.

As a teenager I was a nightmare and never home, I felt more comfortable in friends houses and friends became like family to me.

I never told anyone until I was around 22 and drinking quite heavily. I couldn’t take my drink (much like my father) and got really emotional and let it all out to my now Dh, who was gobsmacked.

These things have never been mentioned, is that weird? Would these moments have affected the person I am?

Now I’m a mum, I’m petrified of ever putting my Dd through any of that.

I don’t understand how my mum could

Ime you won't get an apology or even acknowledgment of the harm caused and that can hurt you all over again.

I was raised in an abusive home and neither parent has ever really said sorry or voiced anything approaching regret or remorse

Therapy can help, but ultimately nothing will really heal you.

But therapy can get you to a place where you can accept that and move on.

How recently did you have dd? I was shocked at what came spilling out just after I had my dd, I dumped a load on a hv one time and then I was like "omg I'm so sorry" abs felt embarrassed

She said she was used to it, that it happened ALL the time as that's when people examine their parenting and childhood most.

they told me it never happened or that I was twisting things

That's the response I mainly got, there was csa in my case which my mother and sister still deny

They fuck you up, your parents do’ (along those lines)

That's Philip Larkin This be the verse LOVE larkin generally but yes especially this one.

I've been in therapy a lot. It helps but it's not a miracle cure. It just helps you to cope with what's happened not totally lose the effects of it. Nothing can

And of course nobody is all bad. Just as nobody is all good so there will be aspects of your parents that you like and admire even, just you're aware of the other stuff too.

[quote Flyonawalk]@Whipittillitpeaks I am so sorry that you went through this. It sounds awful. I am still badly affected by growing up in an alcoholic home, and your post resonated with me.

A drunk parent is unsettling and frightening for a child, and it is completely reasonable that you are still affected. I don’t think people who haven’t experienced it can really understand. Incidents which sound not very serious can stick with you and cause pain years later.

I don’t know whether confronting your parents would help, but seeing a therapist might. A massive Well Done for stopping the cycle and for protecting your own child [/quote]
This is a great post. You spent what sounds like a large part of your childhood walking on eggshells because of your Dad. I've seen many posts on here urging women to leave in similar circumstances because it's damaging for children to grow up in these relationships. It's understandable that this is still effecting you, but I don't think confronting your parents is likely to help. Maybe you'll get some sort of apology, more likely I think they'll minimise

I had a dysfunctional childhood for different reasons and personally I did feel better about confronting my parents. They did minimise to a degree but I didn’t do it for a reaction. I just wanted them to know that I felt they’d failed me. My mum was devastated when I told her this but I felt like she needed to know, as her actions contributed to the issues I had as an adult. We still get on but she knows how I feel and I prefer it that way. I’ve also had a lot of therapy.

(Posted too soon)

Maybe you'll get some sort of apology, more likely I think they'll minimise and dismiss what happened and you'll end up feeling worse. I think counseling is more likely to help you process everything and get some closure.

Both my parents had abusive parents. My Dad's father was physically abusive as well as mentally and emotionally abusive. My Dad did drink too much, but he was a sad drunk rather than an angry one. When drunk he told me things about the abuse he went through as a child, he would cry, be depressed. I was the kid that tried to fix it all, for my Dad and my mum and my sister and my brother. My siblings always came before me, their needs were greater and I'm good at coping. I'm used to it now and I really don't think there's any point challenging that . My Dad is a good person, he had a horrific childhood and he tried so hard to keep that from us. I know he would beat himself up if I told him what he's discussed with me when drunk, he has no memory of it. He is who he is, a loving father who was and still is deeply impacted by the trauma of his childhood. Adding to that burden wouldn't heal me, it would only hurt him.

I had a very rocky childhood. My dad was never violent to my mum but he did smash our house up. They were both very volatile and it was constant screaming matches between them. Me and my siblings would then be next. They were both incredibly violent to mainly me. My mum was very controlling and nasty, treated me completely different to my siblings. I left home extremely young (best thing)
I understand you keep thinking about it especially after children. I do too. It's always on my mind as in I couldn't imagine doing those things to my children or in front of them.
I have actually confronted my mum over it as she likes to try to write history which is infuriating to me. She clams up or makes out she can't remember. I'm not going to getting anything there. Plus her favouritism is still very much at play. I'm just not close to her and never will be.
In those days it's hard for women to leave a man (I'm not making excuses) so it may have been incredibly difficult for her to get away. There was no or little support back then. It may have been something she had little control over?
I think you should try to talk to your mum how you feel but i would have low expectations on what you may hear back from her.
I totally understand why you want your mum to know how you feel. It just may not go as what you think or hope for but it may make you feel better as you have said how you feel out loud to them. Speaking from experience.
Hope whatever you choose to do it brings you some peace of mind 💐

Tbh I would not confront them .you say they are still together. Every one thinks all families are almost perfect,children being put first. This is of course what should happen. Sounds like your dad had a bad time of growing up himself. Maybe he found becoming a parent difficult. Maybe worth some therapy to explore your feelings in depth. Thing is they are more than likely to minimilise the events which leaves you nowhere to go. If you get on well with your sister then maybe mention it .however again be prepared that she may be in a spot of denial as well.it is painful to confront our past if it is painful

OP the good thing about being an adult is that you get to choose what happens in your adult life.

You can absolutely say no to visits.
You can absolutely bring up how you felt as a child and the effect its had on you.
You can absolutely dictate how you want the relationship to progress.

I have gone NC with both my parents because I had a similar upbringing. Mother had mental health issues and was a drinker and my dad was too.

And its totally normal to be triggered because you are now in a normal functioning family and you can see the difference in how you was raised to how your children are raised.

From experience what you say will fall on def ears and probably cause offence - but who cares. If you want to say it - say it - but be prepared for a difference response to what you want.

I agree with many other posters on here about the likely outcome of confronting your parents. They were raised in a time where emotional problems were swept away and not confronted. They had absolutely no confrontation skills that were not dominance based physical agression/hurling abuse. They had nobody to teach them about how to manage emotions and how to vent frustration positively. Couple that with likely great shame they are most likely to use denial as a coping mechanism and project their shame onto you as wrongdoing on your part.

From my own experiences in an abusive family of origin (CSA) the time to confront people is if the relationship needs to end (i.e. after a lot of consideration and action to try everything you have decided to go no contact) and then it is not for reconciliation purposes any longer it is to use a voice that has been stolen from you and to reclaim that voice.

I will be honest with you though and I think it will take you tome to see things clearly. From what you wrote your mother was a victim of domestic abuse and she still focused on soothing you after she had been abused in the circumstances you wrote about. I think you blame of her sounds misplaced from what you have written.

My Dd is 3

But I started to remember lots possibly around 1 onwards

@Changechangychange But there was absolutely no sexual talk? It was more about his sadness and losses, completely not what he should have been talking to his daughter about, I really don’t understand why he did

It must have been a difficult decision for your mum to stay with a man like your dad but I'm guessing she did it for what she thought would be more stability for the family, rightly or wrongly

I don’t think confronting them will help as they won’t be able to reflect on themselves in the way you would like them to. They will see it as you being difficult, and that impression will be reinforced between them so that they don’t have to face the truth that’s somewhere repressed in the backs of their heads.
But you can protect yourself from them now and feel under no obligation to them whatsoever. See them when you want to on your own terms.

OP,

Your childhood sounds absolutely horrendous.

Your father was a nasty abusive drunk.

You sound as if you lived on your nerves thoughout your childhood and are quite traumatised by it.

It really sounds awful.

I think speaking to someone would be helpful.

You are very generous to have them in your life, but I certainly wouldn't want them staying in my home.

You are anxious when they stay with you so I would stop that.

See less of them would be my recommendation.

They doubtfully will admit anything but I think if you want to say you had a deeply traumatic childhood do.

They no doubt will minimise it, but they aren't very nice people.

Your father sounds like a very nasty piece of work.

Mind yourself and do not minimise how awful this must have been.

Because it does sound terrifying for a child and deeply scary.

Unless they were deliberately cruel, I don't think it's fair to confront our parents with their failures, unless we also thank them wholeheartedly for their efforts.

It took me years to realise that despite fucking me up in various ways, my mum and dad also provided many important forms of care that other parents can neglect. Besides, as well as inheriting some of their annoying weaknesses, some of the ways I take after them have ended up serving me well.

Different stages of life give us wholly new perspectives, and sometimes tunnel vision. Yours at the moment is very much focused on ideal parenting, with your DD centre stage. If you now find your parents lacking, I'd keep this revelation to yourself for now. Family life is often a messy business and the deep intimacy of the parent/child relationship doesn't lend itself to the kind of close monitoring and performance feedback we might be used to from work.

Excellent post Alcemeg

OP I absolutely get why you’d want to confront your parents. I want to confront mine, to ask why on Earth they thought treating us like they did was acceptable, why they thought repeating the crap/struggling parenting they’d experienced was acceptable, why they treated us like we were an inconvenience. Why, why, WHY?

But I know, deep down, what would become of it. My mother would do her martyr act, banging on about how much she struggled (yes, but you didn’t do much to address it, did you?) but she was always there. Except “being there” didn’t achieve anything other than making sure we were quiet, didn’t trouble her too much and didn’t want to do anything extravagant like have our friends over or go anywhere.

My father wouldn’t have a word of it, he can’t bear criticism and he would back my mother to the hilt. It would probably descend into aggression to the back drop of my mother’s weeping and a completely ruined relationship.

So I just step away, keep them at an emotional arm’s length and just deal separately with how I feel about it all.

Sorry op what you went through.
Believe me you were far from alone.

Yes parents are supposed to love and protect you. In real life so few adults ever knew they were loved or protected.

Dh and I had very different up bringings and yet neither of us ever were told we were loved or cared for. One of us got no birthday cards or presents and only christmas presents up until they were about 9/ 10.
The other had a drunken father. So much violence and beatings, yet some happy times .
There was poverty and pain.

But all we can do is live our lives the best we can .

The past is behind us, we cannot change it. Enjoy the present for what it is, and not worry about the future.

If things are dragging you down see a counsellor or therapist, but do not mention to your parents. They were only doing their best

WHat do you hope to gain from it - and what happens if your parents don't come out with the response that you'd like?
They could deny the incidents happened - anything really; it's bound to cause a lot of hurt.

Doesn't excuse the things that you remember - confronting them might bring the apoloogies or whatever you're after - or could cause a rift and a lot of bad feeling.

Also, you state that both your parents had happy childhoods - maybe they only told you the good bits? What you see of your grandparents isn't necessarily how they were as parents; you've seen how other people have reacted to your 'revelations' about your childhood.

You chose to have children after your childhood - try and bear in mind how your memories are making you feel as your go forward being the perfect parent, never losing your temper/being stressed/never having too much to drink.

They were only doing their best

I agree with much of your post but I do take issue with this. So often parents in these situations WEREN’T doing their best - they put themselves first, they didn’t bother to think about the effect their behaviours had, they did nothing to address issues and left others to pick up the pieces.

Sometimes a perceived “best” really means “I couldn’t be bothered to do better” and it’s OK to acknowledge or want acknowledgement that it actually wasn’t good enough.

You keep avoiding direct questions. Re what you are hoping to achieve. And re counselling.

How old are you? Why is it only now that you've had a dd that you are thinking about this. Didn't this occur to you before? Would you say you are open emotionally?

"I honestly can’t see how they’d blatantly deny it or be so awful as to somehow turn it back on me though? That’s pretty horrific"

This is incredibly naieve. You don't seem to have had the life experience, or now have the emotional maturity to recognise what a complex issue this is.

Please talk to someone in RL who you trust, and book some counselling.

@Oblomov21

You keep avoiding direct questions. Re what you are hoping to achieve. And re counselling.

How old are you? Why is it only now that you've had a dd that you are thinking about this. Didn't this occur to you before? Would you say you are open emotionally?

It’s very common for childhood issues to rise to the surface when you have children of your own.

[quote Whipittillitpeaks]@Changechangychange But there was absolutely no sexual talk? It was more about his sadness and losses, completely not what he should have been talking to his daughter about, I really don’t understand why he did[/quote]
Its called parentifying ( I think) My mother did it with me, telling me about her child sex abuse and my step father beating her up when I wasn't there.Then my step father would tell me about her drinking and her affairs. I was 14 at the time. Its massively inappropriate and completely down to their own emotional immaturity and impairments.

I am years down the line from where you are. Counselling did not help for me - it only made me feel worse. But what I have learned is too accept it, that they were not the parents I would have liked or needed and I have moved on - facilitated by going NC with both of them. Tbh my mother wasn't arsed but my dad took great umbrage at it and played the victim.

I pour love in to my children and I get it back ten fold. I dont need my parents.

It sounds like you are having a perfectly normal reaction to growing up in an alcoholic household. You are not alone and it is much more common than you think. Why not do some reading around adult children of alcoholics and see if any of that resonates. Some talking therapy might help because you sound like you could do with some validation of your experiences and feelings. It's painful and difficult but it does get easier with time, especially as it can suddenly explain alot about the way you handle emotions! I would advise getting your head around it before you decide whether to confront. You feelings around your dad drinking now tell you alot about how you felt about it as a kid.