To confront parents about my childhood?

[Whipittillitpeaks]

I had a lot of happy moments in my childhood, but also a few experiences that stay with me, that I’m starting to feel angry about, a child shouldn’t have been subjected to them.
It’s been in my mind more since having my own Dd, and looking back I can’t believe some of the things I went through when I was young and innocent and should have been protected.

I remember one incident when we were on a camping holiday when I was around 9 and my dad was drunk and pushed my mum over, he was saying all sorts and I remember feeling so scared and asking if they were getting a divorce and holding my mums hand all night until I went to sleep.

Then at 13, I was woken up by my dad going on and I heard him say he’d ‘Kick the shit out of’ my mum. I was hysterical on the landing upstairs and my mum came to comfort me, my dad was saying to her ‘See what you’ve done now’ he was drunk.
I remember feeling fear when my dad used to get home some Saturdays after going out with my uncle/his friends. He’d be drunk but acting really silly, but I felt the fear, it wasn’t a comfortable feeling, I dreaded him coming home. He usually just fell asleep.

My dad used to sometimes come to me room when I was going to sleep and talk nonsense about he wished he didn’t have to grow up, like Peter Pan. Other times, he’d tell me about other girlfriends he had when young.

Sounds ridiculous, but in other ways he was a good dad, great fun, caring etc, but he had moods and days of silence and we walked on eggshells at times.

My mum, I know loves me, but she never showed it. I remember one time coming back from being away for the first time ever with Brownies for a couple of nights. All the other mums ran to their kids and picked them up or hugged them, my mum didn’t hug or kiss me, just got our bags.

Looking back, I realise my upbringing was dysfunctional and I still see it is in many ways, even though my parents are still together and love each other massively.

As a teenager I was a nightmare and never home, I felt more comfortable in friends houses and friends became like family to me.

I never told anyone until I was around 22 and drinking quite heavily. I couldn’t take my drink (much like my father) and got really emotional and let it all out to my now Dh, who was gobsmacked.

These things have never been mentioned, is that weird? Would these moments have affected the person I am?

Now I’m a mum, I’m petrified of ever putting my Dd through any of that.

I don’t understand how my mum could

@MauraandLaura Yes, I definitely had that too from my dad, he shouldn’t have talked to me, a child, about past girlfriends and how he loved them and wished he stayed with them. He shouldn’t have talked about problems in their relationship. It’s baffling to me how he couldn’t see how wrong that was.

I also don’t agree that they were only trying their best, they weren’t! (Dad at least) how was that his best?

I’m 43, not sure why it’s coming to the forefront more now, likely having a young Dd as I said.
It’s also cropped up more during times of stress, I thought much more about it both times I moved house, for some reason
I also live abroad, so even if subconsciously, I wanted to get away from it all.

I’ve said what I’d like to achieve, just for them to know and acknowledge how bad that was for me. But again, I don’t think I could, for fear of upsetting them and making them feel guilty.

Im definitely not a ‘Perfect parent’ of course I lose my temper, get stressed, will maybe drink too much in the future. But I work really hard on those things, especially I wouldn’t want to be out of control and drunk in front of my Dd.
My Dh had issues of his own in childhood, that really to me aren’t issues at all, we all had them, but I think mine in comparison to his weren’t right at all.

@Alcemeg

Unless they were deliberately cruel, I don't think it's fair to confront our parents with their failures, unless we also thank them wholeheartedly for their efforts.

It took me years to realise that despite fucking me up in various ways, my mum and dad also provided many important forms of care that other parents can neglect. Besides, as well as inheriting some of their annoying weaknesses, some of the ways I take after them have ended up serving me well.

Different stages of life give us wholly new perspectives, and sometimes tunnel vision. Yours at the moment is very much focused on ideal parenting, with your DD centre stage. If you now find your parents lacking, I'd keep this revelation to yourself for now. Family life is often a messy business and the deep intimacy of the parent/child relationship doesn't lend itself to the kind of close monitoring and performance feedback we might be used to from work.

This is a brilliant post.

@Alcemeg

Unless they were deliberately cruel, I don't think it's fair to confront our parents with their failures, unless we also thank them wholeheartedly for their efforts.

It took me years to realise that despite fucking me up in various ways, my mum and dad also provided many important forms of care that other parents can neglect. Besides, as well as inheriting some of their annoying weaknesses, some of the ways I take after them have ended up serving me well.

Different stages of life give us wholly new perspectives, and sometimes tunnel vision. Yours at the moment is very much focused on ideal parenting, with your DD centre stage. If you now find your parents lacking, I'd keep this revelation to yourself for now. Family life is often a messy business and the deep intimacy of the parent/child relationship doesn't lend itself to the kind of close monitoring and performance feedback we might be used to from work.

That’s a great post for people who grew up in normal households with parents trying their best.

That doesn’t apply to the OP though.

You don’t accidentally scare your kids by threatening to kick the shit out of their mother. Realising that was very wrong isn’t focussing on idealised parents. It’s realising your Dad was an alcoholic violent bully.

[quote Whipittillitpeaks]@saraclara why though?[/quote]
Cognitive dissonance is one possible reason. It refers to the mental conflict that occurs when a person's behaviors and beliefs do not align. For your parents to recognise their behaviour and apologize, they first have to acknowledge that they behaved in ways that don't match their idea of what a good parent does. Denying and minimising allows them to go on believing they were good parents.

You don’t accidentally scare your kids by threatening to kick the shit out of their mother. Realising that was very wrong isn’t focussing on idealised parents. It’s realising your Dad was an alcoholic violent bully.

But dismissive labels like that are an oversimplification, aren't they?

OP says "in other ways he was a good dad, great fun, caring etc" -- and "my parents are still together and love each other massively."

It's not a total shitshow. Just knowing that your parents love each other must be rather wonderful. I mean, my dad never threatened to beat up my mum (or at least, not within my earshot); his cruelty was, and continues to be, of a different kind. Whether they love each other has tormented me for a lifetime.

We all get our dose of fucked-upness, tailored specially for us, as Larkin says. Even the most doting, caring parenting can backfire spectacularly, with kids who grow up anxious for more space and freedom.

OP after I had my son. I found myself reevaluating my relationship with my mother following a highly dysfunctional childhood. I keep her at a distance now. I know she has her own issues that led her to have a relationship with an abusive drunk. I will never get an apology from her and I have accepted that. I also needed to realise that as a child none of what happened was not my fault and I deserved to be protected. My focus is on my boys and raising them in a loving, safe home. It was a long road adjusting from a dysfunctional home environment to a calm one.
It’s perfectly normal what your going through OP but it’s unlikely to help confronting your parents. People struggle to acknowledge their failures in life and don’t appreciate it being pointed out to them.

@Alcemeg

You don’t accidentally scare your kids by threatening to kick the shit out of their mother. Realising that was very wrong isn’t focussing on idealised parents. It’s realising your Dad was an alcoholic violent bully.

But dismissive labels like that are an oversimplification, aren't they?

OP says "in other ways he was a good dad, great fun, caring etc" -- and "my parents are still together and love each other massively."

It's not a total shitshow. Just knowing that your parents love each other must be rather wonderful. I mean, my dad never threatened to beat up my mum (or at least, not within my earshot); his cruelty was, and continues to be, of a different kind. Whether they love each other has tormented me for a lifetime.

We all get our dose of fucked-upness, tailored specially for us, as Larkin says. Even the most doting, caring parenting can backfire spectacularly, with kids who grow up anxious for more space and freedom.

An alcoholic who hits his wife and scares his children is an alcoholic violent bully. How is that in any way debatable?

The fact he was in other ways a good Dad doesn’t change that he was an alcoholic violent bully.

Just as the fact my Dad was a decent Dad to my siblings when they were young didn’t mean his violence or cruelty didn’t make him an abusive prick.

You are massively over simplifying the OP’s parents because of your own situation, which doesn’t help anyone. The fact the Op thinks her parents love each other doesn’t change the past.

Good parents don’t scare their children with violence on multiple occasions. They just don’t.

It's not a total shitshow.

And this is massively minimising.

The OP lived in fear of her father on many many occasions. That is a total shit show.

To those who are tempted to minimise this and put it down to slightly crap parenting there is a large body of evidence showing how profoundly some people can be affected by growing up with an alcoholic parent. Largely down to the child never feeling emotionally safe, feeling responsible for eveything bad. Missing out on attention from both the alcoholic parent and the co dependant.

I think I’m going through a period of questioning a lot of things from childhood that I thought up until recently were quite normal.

My parents were/are big drinkers. Not to the point of vomiting, child abuse etc. but they certainly enjoy their wine. I’ve recently realised that their relationship with alcohol is so unhealthy. It always has been. But I actually think it’s getting worse now.

I haven’t had a drink since 31 October. I’m trying to reset my own relationship with alcohol, for my girls’ sake. My mum absolutely cannot believe this and will not stop going on about it. Like it’s a gigantic big deal.

I worry for them.

I also find it so, so embarrassing when they drink three bottles of wine between them and my mum is slurring her words and becoming argumentative. It makes me not want to go there.

@JustLyra

It's not a total shitshow.

And this is massively minimising.

The OP lived in fear of her father on many many occasions. That is a total shit show.

Oh dear, I don't mean to minimise anyone's experiences, whether they involved drink or not, violence or not, etc etc etc. I just think that being fucked up one way or another by our parents seems to be more or less inevitable. I can count on the fingers of one hand the people I've met (over half a century) who don't have some kind of baggage from childhood to resolve. Therapists are not going to go out of business any time soon!

Also, I'm posting as someone who actually did try to hold my parents to account! 😋 I wrote them a very detailed letter explaining how they had fucked me up. The response? Total radio silence, until I made amends. I was peeved at the time, but understand it better now.

@Alcemeg There’s a massive difference though between peoples parents who made mistakes while trying their best and the likes of the OP’s father. There are scales of being fucked up by parents and it’s not inevitable at all imo that everyone is.

It’s fair enough to tell the OP about your experiences but staying that she shouldn’t because it wasn’t a total shit show was very bizarre to say to someone who lived in actual fear of their parent.

[quote JustLyra]@Alcemeg There’s a massive difference though between peoples parents who made mistakes while trying their best and the likes of the OP’s father. There are scales of being fucked up by parents and it’s not inevitable at all imo that everyone is.

It’s fair enough to tell the OP about your experiences but staying that she shouldn’t because it wasn’t a total shit show was very bizarre to say to someone who lived in actual fear of their parent.[/quote]
I was truly terrified of my dad at times, and had no idea where his inner turmoil might take us -- certainly not to a safe or happy place; I often lay awake anxious for our safety. Yet I've come to understand that he really was doing the best according to his lights. (For he was fucked up in his turn, of course, by fools in old-style hats and coats!)

I'm not saying OP shouldn't work through her very valid feelings, I'd just caution against trying to work them through directly with her parents. Or at least, not if healing is the ultimate goal.

I think there is huge minimising on this thread.

Of course having children will bring up how you were reared yourself.

But the OP's childhood was absolutely dreadful and to put it down to normal parenting fxxk ups is huge minimising.

Her father was a violent alcoholic bully.

That is NOT normal family life or parenting.

She finds him stressful to be around, in the 40's.

That is not normal.

That is most definitely the result of a deeply stressful childhood.

OP, whatever you decide to do, do not believe yours was a normal childhood.

Yours was a highly disfunctional one.

@MauraandLaura excellent post from you, which sounds extremely authentic.

I was truly terrified of my dad at times, and had no idea where his inner turmoil might take us -- certainly not to a safe or happy place; I often lay awake anxious for our safety. Yet I've come to understand that he really was doing the best according to his lights. (For he was fucked up in his turn, of course, by fools in old-style hats and coats!)

Your point in your previous post was that “unless deliberately” - the OP’s father was deliberately frightening.

He was abusive and violent to his wife. That’s a choice.

That’s not normal parenting fuck ups and shouldn’t be minimised as such. It’s not trying his best.

It’s being a violent bully that terrorised his family.

I'm glad I finally did talk/scream/cry at my dad about how he had been when I was a child. No-one but me (not my mum nor my 3 older siblings) ever, ever stood up to him & it did take until he was 80 odd, so I wasn't brave at the time & it wasn't even really a conversation when it did happen. But I do feel much better that I did say (through a face full of tears & snot) "I was terrified of you" and my mum said "She was, [name], they all were". He waffled it off at the time but I know he'll have thought about it.

I know he was the product of his times & I think he might well have been sexually abused by priests BUT I'm still glad I gave him some idea of what he did to us.

I think it would be incredibly unlikely for your parents to put their hands up and say that they weren't good parents. My upbringing wasn't too dissimilar to yours OP, but the other way around. I still feel some anger towards my mum but I know she had a very difficult childhood and never really resolved her own issues before starting a family. My dad lost both of his parents at 19 and I think their traumas made them lean on each other. It was a disaster waiting to happen.

I moved a few hours drive away and we have a much healthier relationship now. I have a 1 year old DC now and I do think it has made me reflect on my childhood. I've made it clear to my dad (with my mum in earshot) that if my mum ever starts going on her downward alcohol-based spiral then I'll be leaving immediately. I noticed that she wrote 'I love my DGS name' on her kitchen noticeboard minutes after that conversation. I think that was her way of acknowledging my terms without actually acknowledging the hurt and damage she causes.

The thing is, no one wins by you holding on to your resentment towards your parents for your difficult childhood. You're in control of your life and emotions now, and I think on your deathbed you won't congratulate yourself for spending lots of time dwelling on the past.

Oh, and one more thing - I really benefited from talking to my two siblings about our experiences. One sibling didn't really feel the brunt but the other was in the same boat as me. We're all still tied together by our trauma and sometimes an odd light discussion on how dysfunctional our childhood was seems to acknowledge what we went through without dwelling too much.

My mum was physically and mentally abusive to me. Me and my sister really should have had a child protection order on us. I dont have any desire to talk to my mum about it.

I'm not aiming to be a saint around my kids but as long as I dont beat them or shout at them all day 24 7 about how much I hate them, then I'm 100x times a better parent.

Confrontation has lead to denial once before with me. So then I have gaslighting added my baggage

I’m not sure if this is the “correct” advice but I would have to confront my parents about this but I would have to be prepared to go no contact afterwards and face the wrath of the rest of my family.

I would add that my situation was not dissimilar to yours.

My own experience is that when I raised abuse I faced in childhood with my parents, they told me it never happened or that I was twisting things or that I deserved it. I just ended up exhausted and full of self hatred all over again.

Sorry to hear that, @user1470132907. I never discussed incidents from my childhood with my parents because I always suspected that they would deny stuff. I wish I had now though, but I wasn't ready to do it until after they'd both got dementia.

My DP had a physically and emotionally abusive father, and after his death I tried to discuss it with his mother (his father had died some years earlier).

She's in complete denial, in her parallel universe they all had a lovely childhood, holidays at the seaside, loads of fun and lashings of ginger beer etc, and won't have it any other way, even when his siblings point out how terrified they were of their father and that a week in a caravan at Hastings was a week of fear and walking on eggshells.

One of her things is that DP was brilliant at art and spent all his time drawing when he was a child. He was very talented, but the reason he spent all his time drawing was because it was the one thing he could do that wasn't noisy and wouldn't make a mess, so wouldn't incur his father's rage.

I agree with PPs that it's best to see a counsellor or therapist before you consider speaking to them about this. You need to talk through how the various possible outcomes from such a conversation might affect you, how to prepare yourself and protect yourself from adverse impacts and really think what you want to get out of it.

It's difficult not to project our own experiences onto a thread like this. @Owlink that was very brave of you.

I'm really, really not trying to minimise anyone's childhood trauma! I suppose my feeling is that it's rather difficult being human, whether you're a child or a parent, and when "confronting" parents with their failures we should keep one eye on what we're hoping to achieve by it.

Thank you so much everyone for all the help
and advice.

Would you still maintain a normal relationship with your family after this childhood?